Friday, April 01, 2011

Face-Lift 887

Guess the Plot

The Bright Red Fires of my Heart

1. Memoir of my years in the Communist Party and my struggles with acid reflux.

2. She's a pyromaniac. He's a fireman. When they fall in love, it's a doomed relationship. But at least they have really hot sex.

3. Okay, think modern-day Cinderella in love with the prince, but set in France and Santa Claus is in it.

4. Twenty-eight year old Norm Charles receives the first successful permanent artificial heart. With his new lease on life Norm searches New York looking for romance. The romance soon turns to uncontrollable violence and lust as something inside the robotic part of Norm sparks what he calls . . . the bright red fires of my heart.

5. Every time Magnesia "Maggie" Smith has heartburn, something in town goes up in flames. She can't help it, it's just a reflux. When Maggie gets a job waitressing at Big Bob's Gas n' Grill, the ensuing fires threaten to destroy the town. Deputy Sheriff Urrp suspects the truth, but his superiors find the idea hard to digest. Will a bottle of Maalox put an end to the whole dismal bismuth?

6. An old matron reminisces on past love affairs conducted during her years as a cardiologist/welder.

Original Version

Thank you so much for giving up of your time to consider my latest probably bestselling romance.*

I based it on the classic story Cinderella and though it's all handwritten, when you want it I can photocopy everything and I'll even pay for that. (this letter is written out on my friend's typewriter, just in case you're curious. She's written a book about elves and it's really really good.) For now I have sent you on the first four pages because that is how I know it is except for I got writers cramp and had to rest myself so it might seem as if it kind of ends suddenly because it actually does. My hand is okay now. If you would like to have a look at page number five I should be all right in a couple of days I suppose.


I am a lot better now as it happens as you might well have guessed from this email which I have typed out but when you get the letter it might be a backup.


It's the same up to the bit with the fireplace, only because mine's modern times, it's central heating. That means a rethink on the stagecoach, which is original, and Santa Claus is in it at the end, a bit like Raymond Brigg's** Snowman so it will make a brilliant film even if Jonny Depp is working on another one somewhere about a dragon or something.

As my mother died last year, I will dedicate it to her.*** I have some poems she wrote to go on the first page****, possibly in a floral box, and which may open out. We'll have to work out what profit goes to her favourite charity, cats.*****

Some of it is in French. That will help it to go abroad, though my French isn't that good as my English, though I feel you will have translators. My friend (whose written the elf book I mentioned to you about) can't speak French at all which means I was a bit stuck on that one but when you see it you will see what I'm saying. It's the verb endings really and also the word Prince which I forgot but I've corrected all those with the real French (or probably most of them, i'm pretty thorough.) So when you get to every time it says Prince you will have to use your imagination but as this is what books are about this is a plus point isn't it?

I would be most grateful if you can send this all back to me by next Wednesday ****** as there is another man who I am wanting to send it to, an agent, so don't crease any of it up. If you can post me on the receipt for the stamps I will pay that as well as for the photocopying like I promised to earlier but I can't pay for the stamps that the envelope for the receipt will have stuck on it because then you would have to put the receipt for that second load of stamps into yet another envelope and it would all just get like infinity.

There are 45,387 words in it.********

In case you are wondering, I am a woman but I'm not saying who just yet because of some photos on the Facebook page I've got.*********

I read somewhere how good it always is to include a personal paragraph in ones' query about the agent you are writing to but as I can see from all of your details you are not one of those I am making very sure that I don’t do anything like that just in case it isn't really what you're supposed to do. If it's different for how editors go about things perhaps you could let me know and I will have a think (creatively of course i'm a writer!!) about how I can go about helping you with any revised query that i might revise. **********

It would be a clichet to say Live Long And Prosper because of Mr Spock but I think this is generally very good. This is a new mileneum so yours truly is now obviously a bit old fashioned for finishing off with and I don’t feel personally comfortable with see ya or any of the more modern words people who are younger than me use regularly these days. It’s also because my mother was a pretty keen fan of the show when it was on in the 60s and I was a littel girl about 4 or 8, sitting on her lap unless it was Bonanza she wanted to watch (which she did) and the spagheti westerns. So it is only fitting that I am signing off to you in this way because of it all and it never matters what age you might be to say this because even if anybody is old you can still prosper in the days that you have got left to live on this earth because we all go to heaven like my mother. That is why it is so special even though he was an alien. ***********

* It is called The Bright Red Fires Of My Heart and it is an autobiography even though I have not been married once and only had one man friend, Donny.

** who I also love.

*** She was called Marie.

**** Two are about horses their really lovely.

***** The poems that are not about horses are all about cats (except for the one about the blind man and the partly spiritual haiku she wrote in Paris when she was 27).

****** Depending on when this reaches you this may now be the Wednesday after that one, in which case you will be too late and I shall be very angry. How can I send this out to two men at the same time? In the ressession? *******

******* I am only joking!!! You are a professional!!! But if you could get it back to me by that Wednesday (the first one and not the second one) I would still be ever so grateful because my local supermarket has stopped its 2-for-1 deals on cucumbers which were my favourite.

******** Aproximately. Some French words get all joined up with those - things whatever their called like pince-nez. Is that one word or two? So because of all of this kind of thing my word count must be well out but it's not 100,000 or 20,000 or anything so you get the idea. Maybe if you know how those - things work you could count up for me so I know what it all is officially. Thank you so much.

********* I am sure that I don’t have to tell you any more information than you’ve now got.

********** Go ahead, tick the box marked “she has obviously done her research” (which I have, btw).

*********** This final ending paragraph is very succinct so I don’t have anything else to add to it now other than happy reading.


L. said...

OK, it was way too early in the morning for me to wade through that. I'm going to be mildly insane for the whold day now. That thing's contagious. Should be quarantined.

Evil Editor said...

This query was submitted by our own Whirlochre a while back. I saved it for April Fools Day, which, coincidentally, is Whirl's 3rd Blogiversary, so get on over to his blog ( and take his quiz and win some gravy.

150 said...


Whirlochre said...

Thanks for the plug, EE.

Should stop the gravy drying out.

AA said...

Well done. I think you've made every possible mistake.

vkw said...

Very well done and it made me laugh. I needed to laugh today, so thank-you as well.

Laurel said...

Brilliant! I always forget about April Fool's Day and get sucked into gags, but this one was amazing.

Xenith said...

Oh, you are bad.

Trisha said...

I was going to SAY! lol.

Sylvia said...

Haha, this is wonderful!