Thursday, January 27, 2011

New Beginning 828

“There's a storm coming, Mum!” Aimon Alexander hefted the bag of scuba gear over the side of his mother's jet boat, turning to face her as she walked down the front steps of their seaside cottage. “Look at the Reef – I saw lightning!” He gestured at the distant cumulus cluster steadily gathering grey. The sight of the churning clouds made his hands sticky with sweat and the hair rise on the back of his neck.

"It's all right," she said. "You've got the bag in the right place. Now just start the boat and let her go."

"OK." He turned the key. The boat rewarded him with a deep, angry roar. Leaping from the stern, he watched as the boat nosed her way into the sea. Soon he lost sight of the white mass amongst the choppy waves.

"See?" said his mother. "All taken care of."

"Will we get her back?" asked Aimon. "I liked Swiftrunner.

"Maybe. But if we don't, we can get you another one, all right?"

He nodded. His mother was right: this was much cheaper than a divorce, and far less messy.

Opening: GN Forester.....Continuation: Khazar-khum


Evil Editor said...

This opening came to me from someone attempting to submit to the Hannah Rogers Literary Agency, and trying to get away with sending more than the requested one sentence. There was also a brief query. I wrote back explaining that feedback was available on 150 - 200 words, but never heard back. When we ran out of openings, I decided to post it for a continuation. I doubt the author will see any comments you make, but feel free.

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuation:

His mother just smiled that strange smile again, and never said a word as she carried the rope and concrete blocks out of the house.

smcc said...

An actual Hannah Rogers submission? Wow!

Maybe he/she was querying all five books in the 'Storm Reef' series simultaneously.

Anonymous said...

Oh the off chance the author does see - watch the logic. It sounds as if Aimon threw the bag in the water (because you have him toss it over the side before telling us that he's not in the boat). Then he tells her to look at the Reef but points to the sky.

EE, I would love you to give Hannah's answer here :)

Dave Fragments said...

It's an interesting idea. A bit too compressed for that one sentence thing.

The big sin is this:
turning to face her as she walked down the front steps of their seaside cottage.

That breaks the action from looking out to reef with looking back to the cottage.

The lesser sin is Storm Clouds Gathering on anything.

I was in Clearwater Florida a number of years ago and a thunderstorm blew in with 100 mph winds. Quite a spectacular blow.
For those who don't know or have never seen this, the hotel employees grab everything that could blow away like tables, metal lounge and beach chairs, umbrellas. Tiki lamps and throw it into the swimming pool. All the taxicabs pull under the porticoes and luggage carts get yanked inside.
Because with those thunderstorms and the winds, anything that can blow away becomes a missile. We stood in the hotel and watched balcony partitions ripped out and fly away into cars in the parking lots. Drink tables make like Frisbees, eventually finding windshields. Sliding doors blew off their tracks and water seeped under them. The beach bar with the rolling, wooden blinds blew over on its side... All sorts of stuff like that for about 20 to 30 minutes and then, poof the thunderstorm was gone.

Cheap vacation thrills on the beach.

alaskaravenclaw said...

Wow. I stepped outside in mere 76 mph winds on the Bering Sea Coast one time. Nearly-but-not-quite got blown away. Stupid, yes-- but at least there was absolutely nothing that could become a missile, except perhaps an inch-high berry bush or an errant lemming.