Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
New Beginning 204
Willis laughs, so I punch him in the face.
Maybe it’s a mistake, but it still feels good. Inside, I mean. The actual feeling of his teeth gauging into my knuckles is not pleasant. It’s still worth it, though. That's the last time anyone will laugh at my fluffy Bunny slippers. But Willis is an okay guy, so I help him to his feet.
He's actually my best friend. Sort of.
"What the hell?" he asks, rubbing his jaw.
"Sorry, I got carried away," I say. I didn’t even hit him that hard. I couldn't because of my Pixie Stix arms.
"Sometimes I wonder why I even hang out with you," he says.
I wonder that too. Sometimes.
We take a seat at the bar.
“I just can’t believe you wore slippers to the bar, man,” Willis says, shaking his head.
“Yeah well, I want to be comfortable,” I say.
“What can I get you?” the bartender asks. It is still early, so we actually get service without having to wait for an hour. The bartender looks annoyed. That annoys me.
“Bud light,” Willis says.
“Boddingtons,” I say.
After the bartender walks away, I assault Willis.
“What the fuck?” I yell at him.
“Jesus, what now?” he says.
“You just ordered a BUD LIGHT, that’s what. Now you look like a total fucking douche bag. And now I look like one too just for being seen with you,” I say.
He shakes his head. He doesn’t get it. That’s why he’s a tool and a douche bag. And he’ll never even know it.
The light catches the glass eye on the bunny slipper.
He just doesn't get it.
"Shhhh."
"What?"
"Nothing," I say.
I told you he's a douche bag.
"You're right."
"Say what?" Willis asks.
"Dude! I said nothing!"
Face it. He deserves to die. We're going to have to kill him.
I look away from my slipper and turn my gaze to Willis. I nod. The slippers are right. They always are.
Opening: Chris Rylander.....Continuation: Rashenbo
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18 comments:
Oh yeah... there is nothing like opening up the evil editor and seeing one of your own continuations... I always read and never really participated. I have to say it's a little addictive and I've been thinking about the other little continuation nuggets! :)
Miss Snark and a lot of snarklings liked this, so I guess the author doesn't have to worry about my opinion. Personally, I feel the author's presence too strongly -- I mean, it seems to me that the ONLY reason some tough guy is wearing bunny slippers in a bar is that the author thought it would be a funny, eye-catching way to start a novel. I don't like to be made too aware of the marketing angle when I'm reading a novel.
Rashenbo -- excellent job of continuing the style of the original.
I thought it sounded familiar - musta seen it on Miss Snark.
I don't understand why he's so violent from the start. Is there a reason that could be added in there, or is this just his personality? When I read this, I want Sort-of-Best-Friend to whip out a Tazer, watch him jerk around a bit and piss himself just for being such a jerk. If I knew some little tidbit of why he's such an ass...
I LOVE the voice though and the continuation is fabulous.
I'm with Brenda on this. The author dresses the guy in bunny slippers to show his good side and then has him act poorly to show his drunken rotten side.
It seems to much too fast and all of it is contradictory. Perhaps it is just that this is only a segment of the chapter.
I quite like this an opening; I found it easy to follow, and I have to laugh at the thought of any guy wearing bunny slippers to a bar, whatever the reason. I'd almost be tempted to cut the first half of the second paragraph, and cut to the bunny slippers right away, but then, it is kind of gimmicky.
The scene's losing me quickly though (mainly because I've no clue what a bud light is, or why it should be so offensive to the narrator. Yeah, whack me with the clue gun). I'm looking for something to start happening pretty quick, preferably something that doesn't involve the narrator hitting Willis again.
Also, is this the start of a novel? And if so, is it all in present tense? Because if it is, it's going to take a lot of convincing for me to read much beyond the first few pages (even though this is one of the better attempts I've seen).
Love the continuation!
At the beginning I thought this was YA. Something about the voice left me with the impression that they were kids. Dunno, might have been the bunnies.
"He's actually my best friend. Sort of."
That made my think of a 14-year-old girl.
Then you put us in the bar, and it's obviously a very different story.
Confused, but would read on to see what kind of story we're in for.
of course, the flap copy would've prolly de-confused me.
Being seen with someone who orders a Bud Light is humiliating, but wearing bunny slippers in public isn't?
Minion 828: Have you ever tasted Bud Light?
If not, go give the fizzy piss a swallow, and then you'll have an answer.
Plus, bunny slippers are damn comfy.
Damned Blogger! Won't allow me to sign in. ::grumble:: Thank goodness I saved my answer before trying to sign in.
To jfk - Bud Light is a brand of beer (Anheuser Busch), as is Boddingtons (which is, I believe, from a UK-based brewery).
Bunny slippers in a bar? Yeah, I could see it.
But as I'm really into beer (call me a beer snob ;-)), I sat up and took notice of that conversation.
I agree with the Bud Light comments, but then I think almost all light beers suck. The light version of Bud has even less taste than regular Bud. Why do you think the regular A-B, Coors, and Miller beers are always marketed as cold? Because they have almost no taste. Over 50% of the grist is adjunct - corn, probably, in these cases. Which means less room for the malt and hops (with the malt the sweet part of the equation and the hops the bitter part of the equation). If all you're interested in is getting drunk with just a slight taste of something - go for it.
Sorry for the digression.
I had Boddington's once, on draft. I finished it, but it ain't the greatest beer out there - in my not so humble opinion. ;-) Give me a nice Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout or a Weyerbacher Hops Infusion (local microbrew) any day - YUM!
As opposed to Bud Light - yeah, it's got more taste and body than a Bud Light any day. :-) Is that what the author was going for? That the original dude feels superior to the other dude?
Or am I barking up the wrong tree because of my beer nerdiness? Ack, it's probably the latter, but I'd read on to see what happens.
~JerseyGirl
http://writerlystuff.blogger.com
the gist is this: the only people who drink bud light are frat boys with popped collars on polo shirts, frosted tips and spiky hair. and also conservative rednecks. it's the beer for morons. (at least, in the narrator's opinion.) so, yes, that's the point jersey girl.
why drink beer that tastes like shit? just to get drunk? that's lame too, as there are way more effective ways to do that than drinking beer.
by the way, boddingtons IS the best beer in the world. it is so smooth and creamy. i bet the problem with it when you drank it, was that it was too cold. that can ruin a good boddingtons.
anyways, yeah...i forgot where i was going with this.
I guess if your target audience is beer snobs, then you're on the right track. Most people probably won't get it, or worse, won't care.
I would also add that your assumptions about who drinks Bud Light are naive.
I hate fusses about foreign beers.
When they make beer in America, thanks to our puritanical laws, the breweries stop the fermentation nd cut the beer with water to maintain a constant and regulated level of alcohol.
Overseas, they let the beer ferment and never cut it with water. So you can drink a beer that's as alcoholic as wine, overseas.
Now when they import beer into the USA, they have to meet the alcohol standards, so they cut the beer with water and water-down the taste.
For this, we get beer snobs in the USA with no taste buds and no idea of what a beer really tastes like.
I thought about this when I read the opening, but I didn't know what country the author was from, so I didn't comment on it. HOwever, unless you drink beer and know the brands of imports, you don't understand the reason for the guy carrying on about Bud Light is for douche bags. (what a lovely thought and image on the first page of a novel, a gray baggie filled with vinegar water stuck ....)
This hurts the story, by the way. The jerk could say "buy a real beer not that watered down stuff you call a..." or he could say - "Don't buy that mass produced flavored water, real men drink beer on tap."
Yeah, totally lost me on the beer snobbery. But then again, I'm in Texas, so that redneck comment most likely applies. I had NO idea on Boddington's. Blogless is right - I think most don't get it unless they really are into beer, like Jersey Girl. Very limited audience. But, to remedy that, you could have him think, "Only frat boys and pussies drink Bud Light" and give us a clue into his thinking, and thus, his violent reaction. Provide that insight.
I wonder what it means if you drink Coke and rum, and you request Diet Coke instead of Classic. Hmm.
Oh, my. This was possibly my Very Very Favorite of everything in Miss Snark's latest Crapometer. It's good to see you again, author. I loved the first 750 words of this, and don't think you should a change a thing. Just tell me where to send my money so I can read the rest of it. ;)
I think people are obsessing a bit unnecessarily about the beer. I don't drink the stuff, but I got the references.
Kudos to rashenbo for a great continuation.
thanks dana p.
i agree. the beer thing is there because that's just how the character is. i'm not goign to coddle readers who don't care or don't know about beer.(they still get the point: that the narrator is judgemental) it's a minor point in the story anyways.
it will probably never sell, so if you REALLY want to read
more dana p, shoot me an email and i'd be happy to email it to you:
ejkealo@yahoo.com
". . .also conservative rednecks. '
What the?!?!!? -V95
I remember this from Miss Snark too; still liking it.
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