Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
New Beginning 198
When the ghoulish being dropped silently from the treetop and landed before her on the sidewalk, Ms. Foobie was hardly surprised. She stiffened her shoulders and glared into the creature’s eyes.
“Get out of my way you pickle-faced weenie!” she ordered.
The creature’s eyes burned brighter. It did not move.
“I said get out of my way!” Ms. Foobie leaned back and heaved her handbag into its ribcage with a heavy clunk and poof of dust. Its eyes widened with alarm, and, as it tottered, Ms. Foobie shoved the monster completely out of her path.
“Stinking, skulking vampire, that’s all I needed on a day like this,” she muttered, stomping past as the chastised vampire skittered away like a roach.
Ms. Foobie fondly patted her bag. Most folks kept their distance from her, wondering exactly what it was she kept in that wretched old thing. Well, she thought, practically everything except the kitchen sink; and, once, she actually did tuck in an old faucet she’d once stumbled over at the dump. That same faucet worked just fine now that it was installed in Mr. Stinky’s bathroom.
Some folks, she realized, might think it odd that a kitty had its own bathroom.
Ms. Foobie let herself into her ramshackle little house and dropped her bag onto the floor. Mr. Stinky slinked out of the living room and eyed her suspiciously. “Hey, Kitty. Want to see what I’ve got for you today?” Mr. Stinky sat down on the hallway rug and squinted up at her.
A sudden rapping on the door sent Mr. Stinky skittering into the kitchen. "Ms. Foobie." It was a vile, gravelly voice, muffled by the door. Ms. Foobie looked through the peephole. That despicable bloodsucker had followed her home!
"Get away from my door you vinegar pissing parasite," she said. "You won’t cross my threshold. You're not going to suck me dry."
"Ms. Foobie..." The voice was edged with weariness. "This is the last time I'll say it. A cat with an odor problem does not count as a disabled dependent, and there’s no deduction for home improvements for a pet. Ms. Foobie, I can assure you the IRS will get its money!"
Opening: Lori Lapekes.....Continuation: ril
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8 comments:
I would probably read a little more. The fact that the woman took an encounter with a vampire so casually makes me curious.
". . . once, she actually did tuck in an old faucet she’d once stumbled over at the dump."
Get rid of the 2nd "once".
How dare you lower a vampire to the dispicable level of the IRS, ril? -V95
Very funny.
ril, you make me laugh out loud!
Author, I like this opening and would read on just to see what happens.
Very fun!!!
This was an intriguing opening. I thought some of the elements (like bathroom for a cat) weren't helpful, but then I didn't see where you were going to go with them either (no pun intended, bwa ha ha ha!)
Good writing; I enjoyed it. My only critical comment is that you used the word "once" too often in the middle of the second to last paragraph.
It's certainly intriguing! I liked the voice for a short story, but I think it might wear on me over a novel.
The thingy sounds more like a zombie than a vampire, though, unless she's walking around at night?
ril, you have a twisted mind, and I love it!
Just an odd enough encounter between vampire and (?) old lady (I have this picture in my mind) to intrigue me, I'd keep reading a while to see where you take it. And I'm not a big vampire fan.
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