Why you don't get published.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
New Beginning 181
Sheep were good at dying. Considering each sheep could only do it once, so practice was hard to get, they showed real natural talent for being found stiff in the field with their legs in the air, or collapsing in the barn, looking at Laura reproachfully--You're the human, you do something!--before shuddering to a dead stop. They died as expertly as teenagers in a horror film.
Laura looked over at the not-yet-dead sheep, clumped against the fence in an untidy heap of dirty wool, as if they were piling themselves into a knitted replica of Mount Don in the distance, then looked down at the biologist who crouched among the grassy tussocks and scatters of sheep-droppings. “I wasn't raised on a farm, Mr. Rennie,” she said, brushing back a strand of faded blonde hair, limp in the heat. “I used to think sheep were soft fluffy things, like big stuffed toys. I guess my husband thought so too, when he bought the business.”
Rennie looked at Laura, a humorless smile on his face. “You’re not the first city folk to be misled. They’re evil creatures. They lure you in with their soft, white fleeces and gentle bleating--”
A sudden noise behind them, and Rennie spun around. He raised his shotgun and fired off a shot. “It was about to lunge,” he said. “A Scottish Blackface. They’re the worst. They hunt in packs. There’ll be more of ‘em around here somewhere.”
“Of course there will. It's a sheep ranch.” Laura looked around. “Why there must be--”
“No! Don’t count 'em, ma'am. That’s how they get you. You’ll be unconscious in no time.”
Rennie glanced around nervously. “The contamination is an STD,” he said. “It has to be cut off at the source. The ram.” He picked up his shotgun.
“But we don't have a ram.”
The biologist closed his eyes. “I was afraid you'd say that,” he said. He stood up, and for the first time Laura noticed how thin and tired the man looked. Although his shoulder holster looked worn in places, his German Luger looked as deadly a force for decontamination as when Laura had first seen it.
Rennie threw down the shotgun and pulled out the Luger. He felt the weight of her gaze and sighed. “I wish there was another way, ma'am. Don't take it personal. Now where's your husband?”
Laura resignedly led the way.
Opening: batgirl.....Continuation: ril, Lp
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24 comments:
Sometimes EE gets another good continuation before he pulls an opening from the queue. I don't have an author name, but here it is:
Mr. Rennie took a deep rasping breath, but gave no other response.
Laura took a step closer and bent down. The strand fell loose again and she twirled it around her fingers, watching over the biologist’s shoulder as he caressed a young sheep’s snout.
“You see?” Laura said. “You’d think it’d be all soft and fuzzy like in the stores, but it’s like there’s a piece of Mount Ralph in there.”
The sheep looked up, past the biologist and into her eyes. It shuddered once and went still. The biologist stared at it a moment longer, then stood up.
“So what have they got?” Laura asked. “Anything I could catch?”
The biologist shook his head. “Are you aware that your animals have nothing to eat?” he asked.
“Mr. Rennie,” she said, pressing back a laugh. “These aren’t real sheep. They’re clones, imitations.”
Mr. Rennie looked at the Astroturf covering the pasture. “I don't think you understand how it works.”
Laura frowned. “So if they need food, they also need . . .”
The biologist gestured at the gaping entrance to the barn. “Yes. Their housing needs to be hermetically sealed.”
Laura stared at him, inhaling deeply from the oxygen tank on her back. She gave her blonde hair another twirl and looked at the dead lamb. Apparently there was more to off-planet ranching than she’d thought.
I liked the first one better, but this 2nd continuation had an unexpected twist.
The continuations are so funny! As for Laura, she does not seem very bright. MC's don't have to be book smart, but I'm not sure how many people can identify with idiocy.
Oh, wait. I take that back. Lots of people...but do they buy books?
Good beginning, hilarious continuation!
I didn't get the sense that Laura was dumb -- just unfamiliar with sheep when her husband bought the ranch. That was an impulsive purchase, it seems. If she were a perfect heroine, she would have insisted on a sheep-ranch internship before her husband bought anything; but I don't require my heroines to be perfect. In fact, I distinctly object to perfect heroines.
I'd keep reading, just because the beginning is well written and I appreciate its black humor.
I thought this beginning had a lot of potential -- the subject matter caught my attention, and the writing was generally strong.
My only complaint is that some of the phrases and sentences felt a little awkward: "Considering each sheep could only do it once, so practice was hard to get," for example, and then that sentence goes on too long.
I'd urge the author to look carefully at every sentence before submitting, to make sure every idea is being expressed as economically and forcefully as possible. See your first sentence for a beautiful example.
The opening left me confused and feeling like it was muddled. The featured continuation, however, is astounding.
"I'd urge the author to look carefully at every sentence before submitting, to make sure every idea is being expressed as economically and forcefully as possible."
Nah. Minions have been aiming for that for a while and it makes for really nasty writing. There's no need to express ideas economically unless you're a journalist or a technical writer.
Back to the writing, I wouldn't read more because I hate this style of humour, but it's quite fluid. Except for "Laura looked over at the sheep." That's really ugly and unnecessary. Either "Laura looked at the sheep" or "Laura looked the sheep over" is plenty.
Although I think that this could use a word or two pruned, I don't know what else to say.
Sheep are dying is not a hook.
The thought that came into my mind is something like anthrax or hoof-in-mouth or just plain neglect. But not much else, not anything that would make me want to read more. IMHO
Also, there is an odd sense of humor in the writing. I'm not sure it is intentional or desireable. It's disturbing if it isn't meant as humor.
I rather like it.
Not sure if that's because of the continuations or not, though.
They rather overwhelm the original.
Dave has a good point.
Two pickies:
The first sentence is long.
A character does not note the colour of their own hair.Be sure which POV you are using.
In any event,consider making it, "brushing back a limp strand of faded blonde hair." if it's omniscient, or simply "limp strand of hair" if close third.
The heat can come somewhere else.
“No! Don’t count 'em, ma'am. That’s how they get you. You’ll be unconscious in no time.”
Bwahahaah! Oh, iced tea out the nose in a gout! Good Lord, I almost choked!
Ahem. Sorry. As to the opening, it's just oddball enough to catch my attention. I'd read more.
I wasn't particularly grabbed by this beginning. I think that you could tweak this to make it a little more energetic and that would make a lot of difference. Perhaps if you cut "http://electricspec.blogspot.com/2006/12/how-to-build-characters.html" and "as if they were piling themselves into a knitted replica of Mount Don in the distance, then looked down", picking up the pace?
Sorry, there, I'm home sick with a head cold and obviously out of my mind-- as proved by that last post. That first quote should have been "looking at Laura reproachfully--You're the human, you do something!--before"
I like this. I would read it if I picked it up on a table at the bookstore.
I'd like to be a little more sure of the genre. This could be heading towards some Chricton-style SF thriller story (if the sheep are dying of some exotic cause), romance, or literary coping-with-life drama.
Sorry, make that the second sentence.
I liked this beginning. I liked it so much I couldn't come up with any snarky ideas for a continuation. (IMO, the two EE presented are great.) If the cover copy was interesting enough to get me to open the book and if this was what I then read, I'd buy the book just for the voice of the author.
Word verification Xoqiza - the planet where all this is taking place?
I'm seeing 'The Devil Wears Prada' mixed with 'All Creatures Great and Small'. Fish out of water kinda stuff...
I'd read it.
Verification: egspuso - some kind of coffee you drink after breakfast.
I liked it. It was a bit weaker when you got to the Laura part, but the beginning was great.
I know what happened to the sheep... Laura is Mrs El Chupacabra.
Return of El Chupacabra! That's brilliant.
A bit wordy at times, but a nice, different kind of beginning.
Bwahahah! What a great continuation.
"The Terror from New Zealand!"
Poor Laura...
The opening is kind of like that dust you see floating around in a shaft of sunlight -it' there, but you just can't get a hold on it. -JTC
Wow, brilliant continuations! I knew sheep would be inspirational. But no Monty Python quote? "He's that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep."
word ver: edvfrd - Ed vs. Fred?
The continuation that's up there is sheer brilliance!
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