Feedback Request

Shukari is back, and looking for feedback.

When Shukari’s parents are cursed with mysterious conditions that precede certain death, she demands justice. [Demands it from . . . the court? Law enforcement? Maybe just say she wants justice.] If she can find the culprit, she might wring from them a cure. So, she joins a force dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic. They’ll support her goals, if she helps others in return, including protecting eco-cities from crooked mages and violent creatures. [So they're dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic . . . except those committed against people unwilling or unable to take on mages and monsters. Nice.]  Deal. But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience wears thin.  

After too long, she learns where to get key info for her mission. [Her personal mission or the eco-city protecting mission?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus won’t stop her. Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not [Tantalus isn't] talking, and only after failing to catch him does she find the same magic behind the curse [that cursed her parents] is vital to completing new superweapons that have the black market salivating. 

  

Fighting arms dealers and traitors alike, Shukari soon secures the prototype needed to base [model?] the weapons on. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans [offers?] a trade Tantalus can’t resist: give her a [the?] cure and he gets it [the prototype] back. Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But outsmarting a master dealmaker will be tougher than any rampaging monster, and Shukari is putting more than just her parents’ lives on the line. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Notes

I think this clears up a lot of issues. But Shukari's apparent ability to protect eco-cities from mages and violent creatures, and to outsmart a master dealmaker (which is even tougher), isn't explained. She

seems to be Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Witch rolled into one, but no mention is made that she has any super or magical powers. 

Face-Lift 1495

Guess the Plot

Madeleine and the Attaché

1. Tired of being the last girl in two lines, Madeline slips away during an excursion to the airport, grabs some unattended luggage, and boards a plane to the Bahamas. Unfortunately, the attaché case was a blind drop for a spy ring who are willing to kill to retrieve information that may start WWIII.

2. Madeleine is in a panic. She picked up the wrong attaché, since this one belongs to an actual Attaché. But the worst of it is if she doesn't get hers back, she will get fired. Now if only these stalkers will leave her alone.

3. Madeleine is in desperate need of a husband, but she's being picky. Then she meets an attractive attaché and falls for him. There's just one problem: he's a Hungarian with a bad temper. Actually, I guess that's two problems.

4. Madeleine is America's United Nations ambassador. The Russian ambassador's attaché tells Madeleine he wants to defect. But can she trust hi m, or is it a ruse to get into Madeleine's inner circle? Or her pants?

5. When Madeleine agreed to get her neighbor's mail while he was out of town, she wasn't expecting that to include a mysterious attaché with question marks all over it. Unable to resist taking a peek inside, she now finds herself on the run from both her neighbor and the CIA.

Original Version

Dear [Agent's Name],

Paris, 1861. Madeleine’s sudden misfortune makes it imperative that she marry this season. With the help of [her sister/friend/matchmaker] Bianca, she navigates a world of rakes, soldiers, foreign diplomats, and even an imposing banker, each with their own agenda. None are [is] quite so maddening as Daniel, a Hungarian attaché with a penchant for adventure, a disdain for bureaucracy, and an inconvenient diplomatic mission. ["Maddening" could mean beguiling/seductive or exasperating/infuriating, or one of each (infuriatingly seductive; beguiling, yet exasperating). Now I have to wonder whether she's gonna settle for him in desperation and be unhappy forever, or he's gonna win her heart, only to dump her after a year, leaving her wishing she'd gone with the imposing banker.]

Their love story is interrupted by duels, the machinations of ambitious dignitaries, and hindered by their own [fiery?] tempers, but transforms into something neither of them expected. As duty and desire collide, Daniel and Madeleine must decide whether love is worth the price of surrendering the very independence they have both fought to protect. [While duels are more interesting than the machinations of ambitious dignitaries, it seems unlikely they happen with enough frequency to disrupt a romance, unless Daniel is the attaché of a Hungarian diplomat who gets challenged to duels on a daily basis . . .  and never loses.] 

I am a seasoned [Entertainment Professional] with extensive experience in [several other forms of Entertainment], bringing a deep knowledge of performance and story telling to my writing. [In other words, you're famous, but don't want us to be able to guess who you are.]

Madeleine and the Attaché is a tale of love and diplomatic intrigue. At 50,000 words, this novel will appeal to readers of A Rogue of One’s Own by Evie Dunmore, The Lily of Ludgate Hill by Mimi Matthews, To Woo and To Wed by Martha Waters while maintaining a PG rating.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

A lot of agents won't consider a 50,000-word book, though they won't admit it, claiming your book isn't right for their list. If you ask them to show you this "list" they supposedly have, they act like it's top secret national security-endangering information. There is no list. Anyway, if a lot of publishers wanted 50,000-word books, a lot more agents would want them too, so if you can find a place to insert another 15,000 words, you'll broaden the pool of agents willing to take this on.

Speaking of "too short," your summary of the plot is only five sentences (I didn't count Paris, 1861.). Can we up it to nine or ten by expanding on some of the generalities with specific details?

For instance, an example of diplomatic intrigue impeding the love affair (like when Daniel cancels their date because he has to act as a diplomat's second in a duel), an example of a time their tempers nearly cost them their friendship. The specifics of Madeleine's sudden misfortune. Maybe spell out what their love story transforms into.

Presumably you're aware of the classic 17-book series of children's stories set in Paris, starring Madeline, with such titles as Madeline and the Bad Hat, Madeline and the Old House in Paris, Madeline and the Gypsies, etc. She spelled her name differently, and as far as I know, never got romantically involved with an attaché.

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1474 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear [Agent],

 

THE JOURNEY TO THE END OF THINGS is a contemporary fantasy, complete at 94k words. This [It] will appeal to readers who liked the blend of modern society with Greek mythology in Abigail Owen’s The Games the Gods Play and Netflix’s Kaos, 

the folklore-steeped expedition of Veronica Roth’s When Among Crows and the twisted fairytale of T. Kingfisher’s Nettle and Bone. Though intended as a standalone, it has potential for expansion. [I see the first change you've made is to devote most of your first paragraph to stories other than the one you've created.]

 

No one’s [ever] escaped the Underworld before but that won’t stop Sam Katopodis from trying.

 

After a fatal hit-and-run, Sam wakes on the shores of the Styx expecting to be damned to Tartarus. What other afterlife could there be for someone who exposed their father to the virus that killed him? But Sam soon learns her death was a mistake. Instead of eternal suffering, a sympathetic Hades offers her a deal she can’t refuse. She’ll have three days to find her father, make amends for his death, and return to the Styx for her resurrection. However, if time runs out, she’ll be trapped in the realm forever. [And she accepts these terms because Hades would never go back on his word. It's not like the offer came from Donald Trump.] [Apologies to all the MAGA people who visit this site for tips on the scholarly books they're writing.]

 

Though [But] Sam wants more than the chance to say goodbye, devising a scheme [She wants] to reunite her family by rescuing her father instead.

 

[Which would be easier] If only she knew where he was, something Hades refuses to disclose. [I'd put that sentence on the end of the previous one.] Luckily, she catches the eye of Pollux, a demigod who’s spent centuries exploring the realm with his deceased brother. Sam and Pollux journey across the Underworld, fleeing land sirens in Tartarus and searching through the Library of Alexandria. But everywhere they look is another dead end. [Unless the Underworld is the size of Alexandria, rather than a vast, near-infinite realm of despair, specifically mentioning the Library seems odd. It's like saying you journeyed across North America, searching the Library of  Congress. If you must mention the Library (which seems unnecessary if that's not where they find Dad), mention why they search it, like Dad was an ancient history buff.] [Not sure what land sirens are, but if they're the sirens in The Odyssey, you don't need to flee them. Just put on your noise-canceling earbuds.] 

 

When Sam finds herself falling for Pollux, she realizes their budding romance could be the very thing to get in the way of finding her father and reaching the Styx before time runs out. [Surely they can make time for a quickie.] Though a return to the surface would ultimately mean breaking her own heart, she will stop at nothing to give her father a second shot at life. In the end, she must decide how much she’d give to fix her mistakes [What mistakes? If you mean the mistake of giving her father the virus, a return to the surface won't fix that, unless she can also go back in time.] and whether her redemption is worth a soul – maybe even her own. 

 

This story came about after losing my father during the pandemic while battling my own chronic immune deficiency. My background is in academia, having completed an LL.B. and MSc International Relations at the University of Glasgow before receiving my Juris Doctorate at UCLA in 2020. I currently live in [city] with my partner and our cat, Nyx. This is my first novel.

Notes

This clears up a few of the issues from the previous version. I'm not clear on why she accepts that her father is in the Underworld. She seems to take it for granted. 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1494

Guess the Plot

Closure

1. Margaret won't get closure until she can bury her dead husband, but an autopsy is required and the only pathologist left yesterday on a two-week vacation and the morgue refrigeration system isn't working. Can small-town veterinarian Ted Lipscomb step up and save the day?

2. Lawyer Mike Kasey has the case of the century. But can he defend his client when aliens are involved?

3. Finnegan is in the business of making sure certain cold cases stay Otzi cold, especially those in his wake. But when one death turns out to be living unimpaired, he's in a race to find the others and make corrections before he ends up on ice.

4. Hook and eye, ties, straps, pins, clips, snaps, laces,  buttons, zippers, velcro: a guide to the fasteners that have kept clothing on throughout the ages. Includes amusing anecdotes about celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.

5. Four recent deaths, seemingly connected only by their oddness, have stumped the detectives, but police officer John Pierce realizes all the victims are connected by an evil crime they got away with. Should Pierce stop the vigilante who's killing people who deserve it? Or help him?

Original Version

Dear {Agent},

 

Jimmy Leary, a man who abused drugs and women, boards the train to hell with an apparent suicide.  The Smith & Wesson .357 is still wedged in his tonsils, but he wasn’t thought to be the suicidal type. [This had me thinking Jimmy and someone who committed suicide boarded the train together. Maybe replace "with" with a comma, or "after."]  [Also, I'm not sure his tonsils would still exist.] [Also, having read the rest of the query, it's now clear that Jimmy did not literally board the train to hell. You probably don't want to give the impression, in sentence 1, that your book has fantastical elements . . . unless it does.]

Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – which is ironic, because he was a firefighter.  Evidence discovered at the autopsy points [leads] investigators to conclude Fowler himself stupidly torched the house by accident. [I suspect a list titled "Most Common Occupations of People who Die in House Fires" would have firefighters near the top. Though it's rarely their own house . . . ] [Also, how the fire started seems like something that would be revealed by an investigation of the site, not an autopsy.] 

 

Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can figure out the source of what poisoned her.  Odd that the mysterious man who appeared at The Lounge one summer afternoon and flirted from the bar stool next to her is never seen again. [Hard to prove he was never seen again by anyone. If you mean by anyone in the bar, that doesn't seem odd to me. I've been in several bars that I never returned to (usually at the owners' requests).]

 

And Matt Brown is killed when his motorcycle slams into a stack of Jersey barriers on the side of the street.  Battered from being catapulted seventy feet into the weeds, his passenger tells first responders the police car chasing them caused the crash. [It had nothing to do with Matt's refusal to pull over.]

 

Meet John Pierce:  husband, father, police officer.  An implausible tip leads him to pick at the thread and unravel a noble vigilante’s scheme to settle the score and give closure to an innocent girl.  Four deaths already bob in the vigilante’s wake.  The cost of John’s investigation of a most unlikely suspect is tragically realized one spring evening outside the home of Russell Martel, another man with that evil crime in his past. [What evil crime?]  In the end, confirming what John knew all along:  No one is above the law. [I think I'd prefer you not reveal anything about the ending than to reveal it in such vague terms.]

 

CLOSURE, a 96,000-word reality-based whodunit, might appeal to fans of Joseph Wambaugh and John Grisham, and to viewers of The Wire and Southland.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Notes

Wouldn't the tipster have contacted a detective rather than a lowly police officer in order to get the connection among these deaths investigated? Does this cop even have the time and training to take this on?

Does the innocent girl know these people are being killed? 

I'm not sure listing all the deaths is the way to go in the query. It's like you're changing the subject every couple sentences. If you started:

When police detective John Pierce receives an anonymous tip revealing the connection among four recent deaths in his precinct/town, he opens an investigation that confirms all the victims attended the same high school at the same time.

...you could spend most of the query on John's investigation, and not on the deaths. Which I assume is what most of the book is about.

 

Feedback Request

 The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Shukari leaves a fire unharmed. [Is it Shukari or the fire that's unharmed? Maybe escapes a fire?] She only wishes her parents had too, both stuck with mysterious conditions that precede certain death. [Did they die in the fire because their mysterious conditions prevented them from leaving? Or did they survive, but the fire caused their mysterious conditions?] Her best choice is [She decides] to join a force that will help get her leads on a cure, if she helps protect their eco-city from crooked mages and violent creatures. [I know I suggested changing "guild" to "force," but that was supposed to include an adjective describing the kind of force. Police force. Team of mercenaries. Superhero squad. Vigilante gang.] Deal. [This seems like a pretty crappy deal. She has to fight against monsters and mages, and only then will they be willing to help her get leads? On a cure that may not exist? That sounds like what the villain who has the cure would offer. The force is supposed to be the good guys.] But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience grows as thin as her loved ones’ lives [Wears thin? wanes? is wearing thin?]. 

 

Soon, she learns where to get key info on the case. [The case of the threat to the eco-city? Or the case of the mysterious condition?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus is no issue. [It may not be a deterrent, but I'd call it a big issue.] Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not talking, and only after losing a battle of wits and spells [Wait, does she have the ability to cast spells? That could have been mentioned earlier as it explains why the force thinks she can be useful.] does she discover that same info is vital to completing new, magic superweapons that have the black market salivating. [Info that can lead to curing a mysterious fatal condition is vital to creating magic superweapons. Sounds iffy, but then maybe Oppenheimer or Einstein got the idea for atomic bombs when they saw that radiation therapy was effective against cancer. If I'd seen Oppenheimer, I'd know, but it was too long.]

 

The noble thing would be to round up her squad, crush Tantalus and his ring, and let the lead die with him. [What about round up her squad, crush the ring, and let Tantalus live if he coughs up the info?] Instead, Shukari plans a trade he can’t resist: tell her everything and he gets special documents that will sweeten his business. [If I were Tantalus I would have no trouble resisting this trade: "I give you information I could sell for millions on the black market, and you give me . . . 'special documents'? I don't think so."] Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But crossing a master dealmaker, and criminals invested in his success, is more dangerous than any rampaging monster. [In your opinion. Me, I'll take my chances with the master dealmaker.] If Shukari isn’t careful, she and many more will see that firsthand. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse myth-like state. [I doubt the agent you're writing to will know what you mean by Earth being forced into a Norse myth-like state. She'll wonder which of your characters is Thor and which is Odin.] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Possibly your book makes all my issues into non-issues. If so, great, but you don't want them to bother the agent in the query, 

Face-Lift 1493

Guess the Plot

From Embers to Moonbeams

1. When Tommy puts his model rocket into the glowing embers left in the fireplace, he thinks it'll shoot straight up through the chimney to the moon. What he didn't think was that it would land in the woods and start a fire that would burn down every house in a three-mile radius.

2. She's hated werewolves all her life. He's a werewolf who needs a mate. Is this another doomed interspecies love affair? Or can he charm her into overcoming her prejudice and helping him lead the pack?

3. A detailed scientific exploration of the properties of light sources against the backdrop of darkest night, with explanations of luminosity, wavelength and the effects on the surrounding environment and creatures. In addition to embers and moonbeams, also discusses fireflies, passing headlights, lightning, glowing algae, and the blindingly bright motion-activated spotlight my asshole neighbor just installed on his garage that points directly at my bedroom window.

4. Ghennia slightly objects to being burned alive so her ashes can ignite pathways to the shiny orb in the night sky. However, without moon dust, her village will wither away and everyone she cares about will die. There's only one solution: build a spaceship. 

5. The history of mankind's greatest discoveries, from how to make a campfire to cook dinosaur meat, to how to make a film that tricks people into thinking a man went to the moon.

Original Version

Dear {Agent},

He’s the beast she fears… She’s the love he craves. [... These bloody scraps of paper are what's left of the restraining order she showed him.] 

Bronwyn Matteroy’s lifelong hatred for werewolves is put to the ultimate test when Dahmric Brishnocoff, the charming soon-to-be Alpha, saves her life from a brutal attack. [I see you subscribe to the Dickens school of giving characters ridiculous names, though I would suggest  Brownstone Matterhorn for the female, and adding "IV" after Brishnocoff.] [Was she being attacked by a werewolf or a human?] Compelled by both tragic and extreme actions from her fellow humans, she has no choice but to leave her village with Dahmric, who challenges every belief she’s ever held about wolves and her past. [Why can't she leave her village without Dahmric?] [Maybe I'm the only one, but the name Dahmric makes me think of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, who was reputedly a werewolf.] [Would Bronwyn have left town with Jeffrey Dahmer, if he saved her from a brutal attack?]

For Dahmric, meeting Bronwyn and finding out [deciding? realizing?] that she is his mate means a chance at freedom from an unwanted arranged marriage with Vanya Crestguild. [Finding out that Dahmric has decided you're his mate would be almost as alarming as finding out Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're his mate.] As a werewolf troubled by his own pack's expectations and elitist beliefs, he longs for a mate who understands him and will stand by his side to lead his pack, even if she is human. 

Tensions and problems arise with both the Crestguild family and the arrival of Tariek Brishnocoff, Dahmric’s cousin, who has ulterior motives to get to know Bronwyn. Dahmric must face the challenge of [getting within fifty yards of Bronwyn without her running off screaming and then] winning Bronwyn over and getting her to accept the mate bond while Bronwyn must face the haunting memories and secrets of her past. All the while, both the Crestguilds and Tariek cause problem after problem for both of them on their journey to one another’s heart.

Told from both Bronwyn and Dahmric’s points-of-view with interspersed perspectives from Tariek, FROM EMBERS TO MOONBEAMS is a 105,000 word adult paranormal wolf-shifter romance with series potential that combines the elitist nature of the shifter world from REGALLY BITTEN by Lexi C. Foss, with the fated-mates slow-burn of BRIDE by Ali Hazelwood. 

I have an Associates Degree in Business from (Redacted) University, which, paired with my love for books, has led to a successful small business, buying and selling books as a pop-up. When I’m not writing, I’m reading or rewatching Stranger Things or Twilight for the millionth time. [Italicize titles.] 

I’m also an avid supporter of the Oxford Comma. [but not, apparently, of commas between adjectives in a list, as in the phrase "a 105,000 word adult paranormal wolf-shifter romance."] 

Thank you for your time and consideration, {Agent}. I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

Some specificity in a few places would give this more life. Phrases like "tragic and extreme actions," "ulterior motives," "haunting memories and secrets of her past," and "problem after problem" could be expanded or replaced by explicit details.

Here's a version of the plot summary with more specificity. Not having read the book, I may have gotten some of the details wrong:

A werewolf troubled by his own pack's expectations and elitist beliefs, Dominick Brishnocoff IV  longs for a mate, one who will stand by his side to lead his pack . . . even if she's human. 

Bronwyn Matterhorn’s hatred of werewolves is put to the ultimate test when Dahmric, the charming soon-to-be alpha, saves her from a brutal attack.  Compelled by both gratitude and a lifetime of bullying by her fellow humans, she chooses to leave her village with Dahmric, who seems charming, nothing like the bloodthirsty werewolves who murdered her parents. 

For Dahmric, meeting Bronwyn and realizing that she is his mate means a chance at freedom from an unwanted arranged marriage with Vanya Crestguild.  

Tensions arise with the arrival of the Crestguild family and of Dahmric’s cousin, Tariek, who sees in Bronwyn an opportunity to double his Twitter followers. Dahmric must face the challenge of  getting Bronwyn to accept the mate bond while Bronwyn must overcome the haunting memory of the day she found her parents' bodies covered in blood and fur, all while both the Crestguilds and Tariek stage catered interventions to disrupt their journey to one another’s heart.

You are welcome to use my details instead of yours in the query (and the book) if you think an agent will find them more interesting.

Face-Lift 1492

Guess the Plot

Goblin Noir

1. Dwarves and orcs have finally settled their differences, but when an orc disappears and explosives are stolen, it's up to a goblin to prevent a disaster that could lead to war.

2. A goblin walks into a bar looking for the P.I. that stole his girlfriend (goblin girls are H O T). This leads to a series murders & capers trying to find the missing girlfriend, stay out of jail, and not kill each other when there are witnesses.

3. a.k.a. Fred is the best (the only) P.I. in the goblin market. He's tired of finding lost cats, lost keys, lost sisters, lost anything, so he tries to instigate a messy divorce case. Hijinx lead to a grizzly murder.

4. Goblin Rouge has gone rogue. Goblin bleu has gone missing. Goblin Gris has gone celebrity chef. And, Goblin blanc is now Blanche, modèle féminin. Only one hero can stand to save the underground music scene from nasal-tone invasion. Also, π (pi)

5. It's got all the elements you'd expect in a noir story--a cynical hero, a femme fatale, morally ambiguous characters--with one small difference: they're all grotesque mythical creatures.

Original Version

Hello [Agent],

Goblin Noir is a hardboiled detective mystery in a fantasy setting. It’s 75,000 words and will appeal to fans of mysteries like The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler and The City & the City by China Miéville or enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.

Hawkshaw, a cynical goblin, is the house detective at a foundry. He’s assigned to track down a missing orcish worker, but the case spirals into an investigation of smugglers, secret police and revolutionary groups.

Dwarves and orcs, along with their respective allies, have reached an unsteady peace after a century of warfare. They live alongside each other in Siege City, a metropolis where the trenches and siege towers outside the walls became the building blocks for a new borough. [and where a goblin detective is as likely to come up against [encounter] Planning and Zoning regulations as vampires or elves.] 

During the investigation, Hawkshaw partners with a young orc, Noroki, whose boundless optimism constantly tugs at Hawkshaw’s jaded worldview. They discover that the orc they're looking for was involved in a plot to rob [steal] explosives for a revolutionary sect led by Hawkshaw's close friend and mentor.

Rival revolutionary groups, the city watch, and an elusive dwarvish secret police unit are all racing to find the missing worker and the explosives, with Hawkshaw and Noroki caught between them [in the middle]. All hope for the city rests on Hawkshaw solving the mystery before another war erupts. 

Goblin Noir is also infused with some of my own experience as a local news reporter and editor in [city] for the last ten years. I run a local news site there called [website]. In Siege City, a goblin PI is as likely to come up against Planning and Zoning regulations as vampires or elves. [I guess that sentence could belong there if the name of your news site is "Breaking News from the (city) Planning and Zoning Department. Also, is "goblin PI" meant to refer to Hawkshaw? As a house detective, I wouldn't call him private.] 

Goblin Noir works as a standalone story, but I am working on a second title and have a third one outlined.

Thank you very much for considering Goblin Noir!

Notes

I like this. I just think it needs some reorganization. If the paragraphs came in this order, it would be more cohesive in my opinion:  P3, P2, P4, P5, P1+ P7 combined, P6. This might require a couple minor tweaks.

I think your 3rd paragraph should start Goblins and orcs, or Goblins and dwarves, or Goblins, orcs and dwarves. 

Are there police or whatever that can be called in so that all hope for the city doesn't rest on the house detective at a foundry?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1489  would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect her eco-city from monsters and crooked mages. But the main reason she joined a guild was to get leads that’d [I prefer "that would"] help solve her parents' murder. [To you, joining a guild means battling monsters and getting access to leads. To the person reading this, joining a guild means hooking up with people who share your hobby or occupation. Instead of saying she joined a guild, say she joined the (specific) guild (Protection, Security, Defense, Resistance). Maybe "force" would be better than "guild."] Defying death only to run into dead-ends is beyond frustrating. But the last time she picked herself over duty, she lost a dear friend. And the last thing she needs is another scar from the knife-edge her morals and ambitions balance on. [Those last two sentences need some background. The paragraph would have more cohesion if the last three sentences were replaced with something like: Too bad every lead she finds takes her down a dead end.] 

Finally, [Eventually?] she learns key info about the case belongs to longtime arms dealer Tantalus. More, he fronts a scheme weaponizing human bodies so he can sell the results to the highest bidder. [I'm not sure what the results of weaponizing human bodies are, so I don't know who would bid on them. I'm imagining implanting a bomb in a corpse and auctioning off the corpse.] Save lives and get closure? Of course Shukari’s on the job. Too bad he set a trap he knew she’d trip—and the structure they’re in collapses. People suffer, his trail grows cold, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. 

 

One write-up later, Shukari is given a choice, fix this mess or enjoy probation. Deal. Catch Tantalus, tear down his ring, get the info, everybody wins. But the more she clashes [matches?] wits and weapons with him, the harder her precious balance gets to manage. As a wider plan unfolds and many more are endangered, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [Why is this a choice? There's no deadline for avenging her dead parents, so she can do that after she saves living people.]

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse-like state. [First I'll have to imagine what a Norse-like state is. Are we talking about Norway, Vikings, or Thor?] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

 

I have a MS in Mechanical Engineering and work as a Research Scientist. Science stimulates my brain during the day, and fantasy keeps my pen awake at night.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

When you mention her precious balance, I think of one of those balances like in chemistry, with her morals in the pan on the left and her ambition in the pan on the right. But you earlier said he morals and ambition were balancing on a knife edge, which suggests they could both fall off in the same direction.

Face-Lift 1491

Guess the Plot

The Bait

1. Nick has put together the perfect con, and he's hired  a perfect woman to lure in the biggest fish for a big score. Too bad he's falling for her too.

2. Here, fishy fishy.

3. An impressionable worm named Birdfood must survive the trials and tribulations of living in a backyard full of starlings on a rainy morning. If that's not enough, the homeowner is about to take his daughter fishing and digs up the compost, finding Birdfood between an eggshell and a banana peel. 

4. When the government decides to deal with the zombie problem by depositing millions of them in the Grand Canyon, they need bait to lure them across the country. But how many people will be willing to sacrifice their brains to save humanity?

5. Detective Zach Martinez needs to get into that warehouse, but there are dogs barking and snarling at him through the fence, and he didn't bring any meat to bait them away. He knows two things. Cutting off his hand and tossing it over would be overkill. And whether he does it or not, his wife will expect him to bring home some chicken fingers from Hungry Hen.

Original Version

Dear AGENT,

If he had to, Stanley would walk into a herd of the undead for his adopted daughter Mabel - and he might have to.

Like THE LAST OF US, my debut novel THE BAIT features a complex father-daughter relationship in a post-apocalyptic future where ingenuity is the key to survival. With bone-chilling cliffhangers and a wry social commentary, THE BAIT is a genre-blending, SFFH epic at 99,000 words. It fits on the shelf between Mira Grant's FEED and Robert Kirkman's THE WALKING DEAD. [This paragraph would be better after the plot summary. That two of your comp titles are a video game/tv series and a comic book/tv series is best left till after you hook the reader.] 

Stanley doesn’t know if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. He wants to be good. But everyone needs him to be bad. After kill-killing his way through the AfterWars, Stanley established the town of Loretta, Utah, a rooftop haven for survivors of the American West. The undead can stumble up a staircase but they can't climb ladders. So Stanley built Loretta on the roofs. [So there was already a town here, but the people were all dead, so Stanley took over the roofs of the buildings and declared it "Loretta"? And there are now buildings with nothing inside them, and people living on their roofs? Are the ladders outside the buildings, leaning against them? If the undead knock down the ladders, will the people be stranded, eventually without food? I wouldn't want to be on a roof during a thunderstorm. In fact, the people living on a roof would probably add walls and a roof to keep the weather out, and now they're not on the roof, they're in the penthouse. Are the roofs wheelchair accessible? If not, are those who can't walk abandoned to the undead? Because carrying a person up a ladder would be really hard. Why not have normal buildings with several floors and staircases where the people live, but ladders are needed only to get to the second floor? What if it turns out the undead can climb ladders, they just haven't needed to because they haven't encountered any buildings that require ladder climbing?] He aims to live peacefully with [without?] the tilting corpses that roam the countryside. [Did the undead sign a peace treaty that requires them to roam the countryside and ignore the fact that there are delicious brains up above them?] It’s risky, but Stanley believes the worst is behind him.

He is wrong.

A stranger arrives from the NewUSA with news of a government plan to draw millions of the “unfortunates” out of the Great Plains and into the Grand Canyon. Unfortunately, Loretta is in the way, and in 48 hours, a massive stampede of zombies will destroy everything. [But the zombies didn't count on Loretta's secret weapon: ladders.] 

To make matters worse, Stanley’s adopted daughter Mabel left town with her boyfriend Charlie, and was taken by train pirates in the Navajolands. As the fragile peace of Loretta crumbles, Stanley must embark on a perilous journey to rescue Mabel before it’s too late. [Are train pirates pirates who travel by train instead of ship, or what we used to call train robbers in the old west? Just asking.] [How does Stanley know Mabel was taken by train pirates? Where were Mabel and Charlie going?] 

I am seeking representation for THE BAIT, the first of a trilogy, with series potential. PART 2: The Mormon Territories, (a flashback) focuses on the stranger from the NewUSA, a queer woman who, to survive, must conform to the fascist regime that takes everything away from her. PART 3: Operation Lemmings, (back to the present) follows the dangerous choice our two protagonists must make. Do they work together and save humanity, or save them themselves and watch everything fall? [This is a lot of space to devote to two books you haven't written yet. I'd keep the first sentence, and then tack on that stuff from up at the top.]

I am a filmmaker and father from Portland, Oregon, discovering my neurodivergence. I have written and edited narrative films and documentaries for the last 20 years and served as a Peace Corps Volunteer in West Africa. My life in the Pulaar culture deeply influenced my novel's message of hope, diversity, ingenuity, and survival. [For the next four years, no one will publish anything with a message of diversity. Be forewarned.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

You spend a lot of the query on the roofs, considering that the main character leaves his rooftop world. How much of the book is set in Loretta? Are there any Loretta-based plot scenes worthy of mention? Or could the query just begin: When the residents of Loretta, Utah, learn that the government of newUSA is herding millions of zombies toward the Grand Canyon . . . 

If I were herding millions of zombies to the Grand Canyon, I'd take them south and cross into Arizona from central New Mexico. Coming down through Utah would require them to climb the Colorado Rockies. Which is probably even harder than climbing ladders. I guess there are streets they could walk on, but if the street has walls of rock on both sides at some point, and millions of zombies have to merge into two lanes, there's gonna be a massive pileup.

Millions of zombies suggests that this apocalypse is well under way. But there's a government dealing with it, Mabel seems to think there are better places than Roofville, and there's enough communication (cell phones?) that Stanley knows what happened to Mabel. Some of this suggests that the situation isn't as dire (yet) as in those TV shows.

Of course most of my comments concern plot points that are probably addressed in the book. So the question becomes, If the agent asks these same questions, will she want to read the entire manuscript to find the answers, or will she decide it's easier to email you a form rejection? 

This note about the title, that you included with the query, seems to me to clarify a lot:  The title refers to Stanley, the protagonist, baiting zombies through his town to keep the residents safe. But then a government plot also recruits him to be "the bait" and lure millions of zombies into a mass grave. The query isn't specific about when Stanley goes after Mabel, and had me believing Stanley left town before the zombies showed up. What does he use to bait them through his town? Is he planning to use the same thing to get them to the Grand Canyon? More about that.