Face-Lift 1541

Guess the Plot

Goremage: Awakening

1. Ferdi the bull comes into his magic July 1 in Pamplona, Spain. The running of the bulls this year will be an event to be remembered and talked about for decades to come, if he can get out of this fantasy land portal and back to the event in time.

2. You've heard of horned lizards, but this is the story of a horned wizard named Goremage. He promised his mortal wife he wouldn't use magic, so he has to deal with his enemies by goring them to death.

3. The greedy leader of the government wants to rule as its dictator, and is willing to sacrifice his own people to secure control. It may sound like it's ripped from today's headlines, but this story all takes place underwater.

4. The people of Lomansk were given one directive by their ancestors. Do not wake the monster, Goresage. But rules are made to be broken, or so Olivia, who was never one to heed her elders' advice, believed. She just wanted someone to play hopscotch with.

Original Version

Dear [agent name]

I'm thrilled to send GOREMAGE: AWAKENING, a grim dark fantasy complete at 100,000 words, your way. [Put "your way" after "send."] [Then delete "send your way," unless the agent has already made it clear she wants you to send it her way.] [Actually, I'm not thrilled with "I'm thrilled," either, so let's start  with paragraph 2.]

GOREMAGE: AWAKENING is my debut novel. A pilot book with great series potential written in third person omniscient point of view, following [This 100,000-word dark fantasy follows] an ensemble cast of societal outcasts struggling with trauma, trust, [and] societal injustice and [while] grappling with their place in the cosmic chain. [Not crazy about two uses of the word "societal" in one sentence.]

In the wake of The Great Fall, the last great war Atlamaria saw, the underwater country is threatened with collapse as the very infrastructure holding it together is on the verge of falling apart. [The country is underwater? You do realize people can't breathe underwater, right? (With the exception of Aquaman, Sub-Mariner, and fictional characters like mermaids.)] The magic required to sustain it has become a dying breed. [art?] The government, driven by greed and desperation, seeks to return to a totalitarian rule by harnessing the power of a heretic god, willing to sacrifice their own people to secure control. [Is this a retelling of the Trump administration?]

Elio, a world-weary man burdened by a dark past, finds himself unwillingly drawn into the growing conflict. Normally a lone wolf, he forms an uneasy alliance with two other outcasts: Atlas, a former politician turned con man, [Politicians don't need to "turn" to become con men.] trying to overcome slanderous lies spread by his ex-lover ["The guy's a real wet fish. And his fins are so tiny."] and connect with his estranged daughter [; and] Pearl, an indentured performer grappling with the grim reality of her life after being freed from a decade of servitude. [Two uses of "grappling" within three paragraphs? That should happen only in a scene involving a grappling hook. How about "dealing?"]

Struggling with his identity and the true origins of his magic, Elio embraces the power that could destroy him. As the lines between right and wrong blur, he must confront not only the enemies that threaten his world - but the shadows within himself. If he can’t trust his own thoughts, how can [he] stop forces so much larger than himself? [This paragraph isn't needed. It's pretty vague; we know nothing about his identity or the true origins of his magic or the power that could destroy him or his own thoughts. Besides, after the previous paragraph, I'm expecting something about how they can defeat the government. Apparently Elio has some magical powers that could destroy him if used? What can he do? And what do Atlas and Pearl bring to the table? What's their plan?]

The confrontation becomes more than a clash of strength; but a test of wills, faith, and sacrifice. The fate of their country hanging in the balance, the three must decide how far they will go to protect their country from both divine destruction and human corruption.

The story hangs in the [With its] balance of political intrigue and fantastical adveture, [sp.] [and its morally grey characters, and [the story] would appeal to readers who enjoy novels like [fans of] ‘The Lies of Locke Lamora’ and ‘The Name of the Wind’ or who enjoy characters that are a little morally grey.

Notes

Is Goremage the name of the heretic god? Is the heretic god on board with the government waking him and harnessing his power? If I'm a sleeping god and you wake me up and try to harness my power, I'm likely to turn it on you.

It would be hard for three people to take on a government and a god while snorkeling, so tell us what they've got going for them besides wills, faith, and the power that could destroy them. 

Face-Lift 1540

Guess the Plot

What Would LOVE Do?

1. Ah, yes, the eternal question. For slightly psychopathic (getting help) bartender Nick, it's about convincing pretty Salome Lissette that her current boyfriend (drug-dealer Carl, with mafia connection), is even worse than her previous, politician Matthias (deceased, which Nick won't admit having anything to do with).

2. When LeBron James is traded to the Charlotte Hornets, he must decide whether to retire from basketball or end his career with a losing franchise. He makes his decision, as he has all his other life decisions, by asking himself, What would my ex-teammate Kevin Love do?

3. The three Von Emerson sisters embark on a global quest to find husbands so their hospitalized father can walk each of them down the aisle before he retires to that farm in upstate Illinois. Love goes on the back burner when there's a deadline.

4. Melanie doesn't know what to say when John unexpectedly asks her to marry him. So she stalls him and consults the Roman god of love, Cupid. Also, a bachelor party in hell.

                           

Original Version

 Dear,

I’m writing to tell you about a question some girls will never have to ask... because their sisters already know. [But don't these girls have to at least ask . . . their sisters?] 

Reminiscent of Coco Mellors’ multi-perspective family saga, The Blue Sisters, but bridging a lighthearted gap with a romance flair loved before in The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood. What Would LOVE Do? complete at 121,000 words, follows the 32-years-old and eldest daughter, Lucy Oren Von Emerson, and younger sisters, Lola and Libby–who have taken it upon themselves to be two of the most reckless and helpless individuals Lucy has ever witnessed [known]. [I took the liberty of italicizing the three book titles for you.] [If that period after "Hazelwood" is supposed to be there, that sentence needs a predicate . . . and a subject. If that period is supposed to be a comma, you're introducing your title in the middle of a 75-word sentence, which, coupled with your admission that the book is 121,000 words, may convince the reader that your novel needs to be trimmed drastically.] [Here's a shorter version of that paragraph:

Reminiscent of Coco Mellors’ multi-perspective family saga, The Blue Sisters, my novel, What Would LOVE Do?, complete at 90,000 words, follows the eldest Von Emerson daughter, Lucy, and her reckless sisters, Lola and Libby.

That's fewer than half as many words. It leaves out The Love Hypothesis, but that's no great loss, as "lighthearted romantic flair" is too general to provide useful information. You can use your plot summary to show your book has lighthearted romantic flair.]

Fifteen years after deciding her major, and nearly a decade as the pen behind [author of] some of the most intellectually compelling articles targeting social issues in the U.S. (or well, she thinks so at least), Lucy gets news that her contract with the writing firm helping her maintain her humble SINK lifestyle will not be renewed in the New Year. [Not surprising. Audiences of even the most popular columnists tend to dwindle over the years. Ask me how I know.] [No need to capitalize "new year" when it just means next year.] ["Writing firm" is pretty vague. How about "newspaper syndicate" or "magazine" or "the ACLU's weblog."] On top of this, her dad is hospitalized after a bone-fracturing fall in their icy hometown of Chicago. Lucy reluctantly returns home, accompanied by her not officially estranged sisters, to visit their thrill-addict of a father. The aging man makes one final “request” of his daughters before he pursues what he calls a new venture, but is otherwise known widely as retirement: he would like to walk each of his relationship-averse girls down the aisle. [Once again, more words than we need. Here's the short version:

After a decade as the author of compelling articles addressing American social issues, Lucy learns her syndicated column will be dropped in the new year. On top of this, her dad is hospitalized after a bone-fracturing fall. Lucy reluctantly returns home to Chicago, accompanied by her not officially estranged sisters, to visit their father. The aging man makes one request: he would like to walk each of his relationship-averse daughters down the aisle.

Thats 60+ words saved. One of those words being "final" in front of request, which suggests dad's been told he has a year to live. I don't see why he can't walk them down the aisle after he retires. In fact, if he has a broken leg, it'll be easier to walk them anywhere if he waits till he fully heals. Maybe you should give him a year to live.]  

And though it had [it's] been a whole 2 years since Lucy’s 6 year romance ended over a video call, she couldn’t [can't] believe it when a sister [Lola? Libby?] suggests they agree to their dad['s request], and while they’re at it, make an entire trip out of it!? As Lucy trails her sisters across the globe, seldomly looking for love as it’s defined, she discovers that though her sisters are hell bent, at least their aim is set. And if the arrow is a pen, now Lucy must decide where the story will lead… if not to her own. [I'm not sure what that last sentence means. Her own what? Story? Husband? Pen? I guess you're trying to say, If only Lucy could say the same about herself.]

The youngest of three sisters, I hope you'll trust me to deliver a delightfully biased take on sisterhood and the messy, beautiful, questionable journey of finding oneself even while the answers lie within the reflection of another.

Thank you for your consideration,

Notes

Unless an agent requests you provide comp titles before your plot summary, it's probably best to  put that paragraph after the summary, just in case the agent's never heard of those books, or read them and hated them. Plus, when she sees that "121,000 words" glaring at her, she may not even bother reading further.

So Lola and Libby are crossing the globe in search of men willing to drop everything and go to Chicago to marry them? And Lucy tags along hoping to talk some sense into them, or maybe to find her own husband prospect? I hope Lucy finds her soulmate on the trip while Lola and Libby return home, only to find theirs right next door. That could lead to some lighthearted romantic flair. 

Aren't there any eligible bachelors in Chicago? I mean, that's where Michelle met Barrack. At least it's (marginally) easier to find a guy who speaks English in Chicago than in Norway or Morocco. 

Now that the plot summary is shorter, you may have room to add some specifics about the global quest for husbands, which I assume is a major part of the book. You'd have even more space for that if you started the query:

When their hospitalized father's last wish is to walk his daughters down the aisle, Lucy, Lola and Libby Von Emerson embark on a whirlwind worldwide quest to find husbands.

Maybe you should claim to be the eldest of three sisters, so the agent won't think you're one of the reckless, helpless ones.

I never did find out-- what is the question some girls will never have to ask?

 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots. 

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1539

Guess the Plot

The Long Line

1. A single 50,000-word sentence. No paragraphs. Only one period. And to top it off, there's no plot, either.

2. When Nina decides to quit the sixth grade and travel across all of Europe, her mother agrees, and goes with her. But they didn't count on the evil of Europeans, especially Norwegians. Also, a one-eyed kestrel.

3. Harold McPhearson sets out to prove if the eternal purple crayon (tm) really is eternal. On his adventures, he explores surrealism, impressionism, continuous line drawing, the history of art, etc, all simply described for a young audience.

4. When there's only one working toilet in Michigan Stadium, well, let's just say it might be faster to leave and come back than stand in the longest line ever. (Not to mention running out of t.p.) On the other hand, you'll miss the jokes about Nietzsche.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

THE LONG LINE is a work of fiction and is complete at 72,000 words. It follows in the tradition of novels about American expatriates in Europe and will appeal to readers of THE IDIOT by Elif Batuman and MOONLIGHT EXPRESS.

The night before Nina’s first day of middle school, she announces to her parents that she will not attend the sixth grade. Worn down by years of dragging her reluctant child from the house, Brandi, Nina’s mother, cobbles together curricula. All is going well until Nina announces, after only three months, that she has completed the sixth grade and intends to stay in her room rereading a popular series about centaurs for the remainder of the year. [So far, my advice is to drop Nina and write a book about centaurs.] [Back when I was a student, sixth grade wasn't middle school, and it was up to the teacher to announce whether the students had completed a grade. I gotta get with the times.] Brandi, who has circumscribed her life for her daughter’s sake [devoted her life to capitulating to her daughter's every demand], decides that they should use this period to acclimate Nina to the world outside their home. 

She imagines them spending the rest of the winter in Cartagena or Lima, but Nina, who is obsessive about geographical oddities, wants to see Liechtenstein. [I'm with Nina on this one.] Not wanting to stifle her daughter’s interest, Brandi challenges her to plan for two months in Europe on paltry budget—an impossible task—but Nina returns, [Returns? Where was she?] saying she is eligible for a deeply discounted rail pass until she turns twelve. She has an itinerary that allows them to see every exclave, enclave, and micro state in Western and Central Europe…[Except Liechtenstein.] provided that they sleep each night on a train. [Why does the railroad care where they sleep?]

Within hours of their arrival, things go awry. Expenses pile up, Brandi struggles to complete her remote work abroad, and in desperation to stick to the original budget, they begin spending nights on intercity trains and in stations. Nina can sleep anywhere, but Brandi is losing her grip on reality with every restless night and tries to conceal this fact from her husband in her jaunty updates. [Wait, she has a husband? Where was he when Nina was declaring she was quitting school to read about centaurs?]

Deep sleep comes for Brandi, finally, on the line from Narvik to Stockholm, [They're trying to squeeze in every country in Europe, and they're in Narvik? That's like a whole day up and another back. It's practically the north pole. And what country did they go to Narvik from? Finland? That's another day wasted on the train.] but the consequences of a chance encounter on the train turn Brandi and Nina into two foreigners inadvertently squatting in [a] miniature canal house and burdened with a pair of budgies, an unfriendly cat, and a one-eyed European kestrel.

THE LONG LINE is an examination of parenthood and domesticity and their capacity to be both life-giving and annihilating. It is also an exploration of how a parent can convey an honest history of the capacity of people to commit evil acts while retaining a sense of hope, and lastly, a love letter of sorts to the remarkable achievement of peace among member states of the EU/Schengen Area. [Wait, did you say evil acts? How could you fail to mention the evil acts when you were summarizing the plot? They're your biggest selling point.]

Notes

I could be reading this all wrong, but here's my suggestion. Scrap the opening plot paragraphs, and start with something like this:

During a two-month rail adventure across Europe (that they can't afford), Brandi and her demanding eleven-year-old daughter Nina have a chance encounter with ? that leaves them squatting in a Norwegian house of horrors, burdened with a pair of budgies, an unfriendly cat, and a one-eyed European kestrel. What's worse is they haven't even made it to Liechtenstein yet.

You might have to change house of horrors to canal house if this isn't where the evil acts happen. And the budgies, kestrel and cat suggest humor more than evil, so change squatting to trapped, and burdened by animals to chained in a dungeon. 

And if the canal house is just one chapter in a road trip/travelogue type book I still prefer less of the background and some specific examples of things that happen.

Help Wanted

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1536 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I would like you to [Please] consider representing my novel THE LIE-BOUND LEGACY, a dual-pov high fantasy, complete at 117,000 words. I am submitting to you because... 

Raised in the isolation of a vast forest, Jaycob has grown up on his father’s stories of the world beyond the Rive, the vast wall that divides the continent. When his father vanishes, Jaycob is certain he’s trapped on the other side, and he’s determined to follow. 

His chance comes when he rescues Tallia, a young diplomat from the other side, stranded after her mission ends in disaster. In exchange for his protection, she offers him passage across the Rive and help finding his father. But once they cross, Jaycob discovers her homeland is on the brink of ruin, locked in a ten-year war with a rival nation. 

As Tallia searches for allies, guided by the magic of an ancient relic, Jaycob hides his human identity in a land where discovery means death - not to mention never seeing his father again. [Why does Jaycob think his father is stupid enough to go to a place where being discovered means death?] But their fragile alliance is threatened when Tallia unearths a devastating truth: her empire was built on the violent exile of the Lakersh, concealed for centuries. [Is Jaycob a Lakersh?] [It's hard to read the word Lakersh without thinking of the Los Angeles Lakers.]

Jaycob longs to act on the truth, [By doing what? For all I can tell he's a 16-year old kid. And he's gonna go to war against half of the continent? A half that has magic?] but doing so would mean betraying Tallia, the only companion he’s found since his father vanished, and his only hope of finding him again. Yet as she pulls him deeper into her fight to save her empire, Jaycob begins to see that he matters beyond his father’s shadow, and that his choices could reshape a world on the brink. [Give an example of a choice he has to make that could reshape a world.] 

Now, with an empire’s fate in the balance, Jaycob and Tallia must decide whether to uphold the lies that built their world, or risk everything to end a cycle of bloodshed that’s lasted a thousand years. 

A story of familial duty, self-determination, and the weight of inherited legacy, The Lie-Bound Legacy stands alone but leaves room for continuation. It combines the moral awakening and buried truths of M.L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven with the high fantasy adventure of Victoria Aveyard's Realm Breaker.

Where were the Lakersh exiled to? Jaycob's side of the Rive? I get the impression this continent has only two places: the side of the Rive with humans, and the side with no humans. Can you convince us that Jaycob has any chance of doing anything that will affect the side with no humans? I mean, if this were two sides of a small island nation, and he were Superman, maybe, but a continent? 

Face-Lift 1538

Guess the Plot

A Complicated Plan

1. It's like that movie A Simple Plan, but that was actually a complicated plan, whereas my complicated plan is actually a simple plan.

2. Jessica dies when her car goes over a cliff, but luckily she had purchased an app that let her store her consciousness. Now if she could just find a body to put it into. 

3. It is simple. Just deliver this package to this location at this time and you will get paid. No, no. There is no apocalypse. Really.

4. It was simple, all Jack had to do was take package P along route R (no deviations D allowed) and deliver it to mailbox M before time T. Unfortunately there was a slight accident with a bifurcating quantum wyrmhole that led to him carry package P' down a long, long route of parallel R', R'', R''', etc. Not to mention what relativity did to T.

5. It was supposed to be a simple job. Two hours at most, a small price for a man's freedom. But the plan was all wrong, and things have gone hopelessly sideways. There are too many parts, and somehow also too few, and at least half of them are mislabeled. There are three step 7's and no step 5, and the diagram in step 9 has too many angles to exist in three-dimensional space. Now Chris Hopper is in a race against time to translate the instructions on the final pages from what appear to be multiple dead languages before the cruel god IKEA consumes what little is left of the weekend.

Original Version

Jessica Palmer thought her life couldn’t get worse. [Though it was probably better than Laura Palmer's life.] Her marriage was over. James, the husband she still loved, was with another woman. Jessica was heading into single parenthood with two young daughters, and depression lured her into a sleepy malaise.

 

Then her car veered off a cliff. [Okay, maybe as bad as Laura's]

 

After the accident, Jessica is unable to see, hear, or feel anything. She has no recollection of what happened and can’t seem to stay awake. Terrified, not knowing where she is or in what condition, she fights to regain steady consciousness. In her new state, Jessica cannot rely on sensory stimuli to navigate her dilemma. [realizes]

 

She begins to experience flashes of memory, ultimately coming to a surrealistic understanding: she no longer exists in corporeal form. Jessica will soon [She eventually] remember[s] uploading her consciousness to MindWave, an application that allows the human mind to continue functioning, even after death. Though there is no technology to implant [her consciousness] into a new body, she had opted years ago to store her consciousness with the company. [For only $299, we will store your consciousness. Or, for $499, get the platinum storage unit. But wait, there's more . . . ] [Is this application available at the app store?]

 

As her altered abilities emerge, Jessica recognizes her surroundings. She is in her own house, watching someone else take over her life. James, seemingly not so devastated by his wife’s recent death, has welcomed his new partner Eliza into their home. Horrified by watching her family move on without her, Jessica grapples with who she is. 

 

When she stumbles upon a revelation that changes everything, she must make an impossible choice. [If you've cut the red words, you may now have room to clarify the "revelation."] Could she really take revenge? Decide someone else’s fate, or commit murder? Unsure of how long she will be trapped without a body, Jessica only knows one thing: her death is not the end, but rather a chance to take control. 

 

I am seeking representation for my 101,000-word science fiction novel A Complicated Plan, the first in a planned duology or trilogy. It is similar in tone to [Like] Justin Cronin’s The Ferryman, addressing [it addresses] themes of love and loss while contemplating humanity. After reading about your interests, I believe you would be a good fit for this debut. 

 

Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

Notes

Presumable the revelation is that she can insert her consciousness into a recently deceased body and burn down her house with James and Eliza in it. Maybe she should try a mannequin first, if she doesn't want to murder someone. Or a shark.

"Unsure of how long she will be trapped without a body . . ."  Does this mean she has reason to believe she will eventually have a body? Is Mind Wave working on that?

Is it explained how her consciousness went from wherever Mind Wave stored it to her house? It's not easy to explain how it's in her house but not in any body or object. Is it just a bunch of zeros and ones floating around? Mind Wave should provide androids. It would cost more, but be worth it.

Anyway, maybe some of this will be helpful.

Face-Lift 1537

Guess the Plot

A Kingdom of Nightmares

1. Sparrow is a mere councilwoman, but she has the king's ear, and uses this power to control him. But being in charge of a corrupt kingdom isn't all it's cracked upn to be.

2. Folk author Chip Thorn sets out to cross America gathering light-hearted man-on-the-street anecdotes about grocery shopping, home ownership, job hunting,  and other topics involving the American dream. Within an hour, he realizes his new book will be way darker than he imagined.

3. Narcolept Vinny Ventura was so desperate for work he became a Dreamkeeper, despite the warnings. Parts of his job are silly, like when he's stripped to the skin and cake chases him down the hall of his high school. Then there's wrangling the monsters: rotting vampires, eldritch horrors, and of course Mrs. Hoffenheim, his algebra teacher.

4. When Din-ni became evil overlord, he expected to spend his time breeding monsters and holding decadent masquerades, not doing paperwork for 18 hours a day. It's bad enough, he starts employing the would-be heroes who come to fight him.

Original Version

A Kingdom of Nightmares is a 71000 word Speculative Fiction novel that features religious power and influence from Mia Tsai's The Memory Hunters and elements of societal control from Robert Jackson Bennett's The Tainted Cup. [It's probably worth mentioning, though you may consider it nitpicking, that the three book titles in that sentence should be italicized, there should be a hyphen between the 1 and the 0 in 71000, you need a hyphen between "71,000" and "word," and speculative fiction doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, it almost seems as if you're saying you took elements from those comp books, rather than your book has themes similar to what's in those books. That's a lot of stuff, and all in the first sentence the agent sees from you. You don't want her thinking that's an example of what's in the book.] 

Sparrow Ashfield commands the attention of a room, making political power plays with ruthless perfection. Her ambition is cultivated by her father, Elliot Ashfield, who grooms her for the role of council member, so she may control the King. [If she's not already a council member, what is her position, that allows her to make ruthless political power plays?] To exert her will and claim authority over Prosperity. [Is Prosperity the kingdom's name? The king's? The city's?] But as her influence over the King grows, the city teems with unrest. [She's now a council member? How does the newest council member have so much influence? If I were one of the long-standing council members, and this newbie showed up and tried to take charge, I'd immediately arrange her assassination.] A resistance sparks in the Lower City, rallying against the aristocrats and their King. Yet her uncle, the Archbishop, manages to stay their hand through religious dogma and righteous punishment. 

The grip Elliot has on Sparrow's mind holds strong for years. She places him on a golden pedestal, never once questioning his judgement. Until a guilty aristocrat is pardoned for the rape and murder of a peasant. Until the blasphemous words her brother whispers in her ear start to take root. Reminding Sparrow of a time when she cried for slaves and peasants, and did not long for power. [Non-sentences acting as sentences is okay for effect, but three in a row is a bit much. Maybe connect the last two with a comma.] When she imagines the peasant girl dead and defiled in the alleyway, something inside her cracks. Prosperity has been devoured by men of power, and Sparrow doesn't know which side she belongs on. [My impression is that Sparrow knows which side she belongs on. Which also makes a better last sentence.]

Notes

What is this council Sparrow is groomed for? A city council? A council of advisers to the king? I don't see how one city councilwoman gets control over the king. How about a specific example of her exerting her influence over the king. What does her father want done that the king needs to be talked into by Sparrow?

Does Sparrow have magical powers of some sort that would explain how she's able to control the king and claim authority over Prosperity?