Face-Lift 1539

Guess the Plot

The Long Line

1. A single 50,000-word sentence. No paragraphs. Only one period. And to top it off, there's no plot, either.

2. When Nina decides to quit the sixth grade and travel across all of Europe, her mother agrees, and goes with her. But they didn't count on the evil of Europeans, especially Norwegians. Also, a one-eyed kestrel.

3. Harold McPhearson sets out to prove if the eternal purple crayon (tm) really is eternal. On his adventures, he explores surrealism, impressionism, continuous line drawing, the history of art, etc, all simply described for a young audience.

4. When there's only one working toilet in Michigan Stadium, well, let's just say it might be faster to leave and come back than stand in the longest line ever. (Not to mention running out of t.p.) On the other hand, you'll miss the jokes about Nietzsche.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

THE LONG LINE is a work of fiction and is complete at 72,000 words. It follows in the tradition of novels about American expatriates in Europe and will appeal to readers of THE IDIOT by Elif Batuman and MOONLIGHT EXPRESS.

The night before Nina’s first day of middle school, she announces to her parents that she will not attend the sixth grade. Worn down by years of dragging her reluctant child from the house, Brandi, Nina’s mother, cobbles together curricula. All is going well until Nina announces, after only three months, that she has completed the sixth grade and intends to stay in her room rereading a popular series about centaurs for the remainder of the year. [So far, my advice is to drop Nina and write a book about centaurs.] [Back when I was a student, sixth grade wasn't middle school, and it was up to the teacher to announce whether the students had completed a grade. I gotta get with the times.] Brandi, who has circumscribed her life for her daughter’s sake [devoted her life to capitulating to her daughter's every demand], decides that they should use this period to acclimate Nina to the world outside their home. 

She imagines them spending the rest of the winter in Cartagena or Lima, but Nina, who is obsessive about geographical oddities, wants to see Liechtenstein. [I'm with Nina on this one.] Not wanting to stifle her daughter’s interest, Brandi challenges her to plan for two months in Europe on paltry budget—an impossible task—but Nina returns, [Returns? Where was she?] saying she is eligible for a deeply discounted rail pass until she turns twelve. She has an itinerary that allows them to see every exclave, enclave, and micro state in Western and Central Europe…[Except Liechtenstein.] provided that they sleep each night on a train. [Why does the railroad care where they sleep?]

Within hours of their arrival, things go awry. Expenses pile up, Brandi struggles to complete her remote work abroad, and in desperation to stick to the original budget, they begin spending nights on intercity trains and in stations. Nina can sleep anywhere, but Brandi is losing her grip on reality with every restless night and tries to conceal this fact from her husband in her jaunty updates. [Wait, she has a husband? Where was he when Nina was declaring she was quitting school to read about centaurs?]

Deep sleep comes for Brandi, finally, on the line from Narvik to Stockholm, [They're trying to squeeze in every country in Europe, and they're in Narvik? That's like a whole day up and another back. It's practically the north pole. And what country did they go to Narvik from? Finland? That's another day wasted on the train.] but the consequences of a chance encounter on the train turn Brandi and Nina into two foreigners inadvertently squatting in [a] miniature canal house and burdened with a pair of budgies, an unfriendly cat, and a one-eyed European kestrel.

THE LONG LINE is an examination of parenthood and domesticity and their capacity to be both life-giving and annihilating. It is also an exploration of how a parent can convey an honest history of the capacity of people to commit evil acts while retaining a sense of hope, and lastly, a love letter of sorts to the remarkable achievement of peace among member states of the EU/Schengen Area. [Wait, did you say evil acts? How could you fail to mention the evil acts when you were summarizing the plot? They're your biggest selling point.]

Notes

I could be reading this all wrong, but here's my suggestion. Scrap the opening plot paragraphs, and start with something like this:

During a two-month rail adventure across Europe (that they can't afford), Brandi and her demanding eleven-year-old daughter Nina have a chance encounter with ? that leaves them squatting in a Norwegian house of horrors, burdened with a pair of budgies, an unfriendly cat, and a one-eyed European kestrel. What's worse is they haven't even made it to Liechtenstein yet.

You might have to change house of horrors to canal house if this isn't where the evil acts happen. And the budgies, kestrel and cat suggest humor more than evil, so change squatting to trapped, and burdened by animals to chained in a dungeon. 

And if the canal house is just one chapter in a road trip/travelogue type book I still prefer less of the background and some specific examples of things that happen.

Help Wanted

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1536 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I would like you to [Please] consider representing my novel THE LIE-BOUND LEGACY, a dual-pov high fantasy, complete at 117,000 words. I am submitting to you because... 

Raised in the isolation of a vast forest, Jaycob has grown up on his father’s stories of the world beyond the Rive, the vast wall that divides the continent. When his father vanishes, Jaycob is certain he’s trapped on the other side, and he’s determined to follow. 

His chance comes when he rescues Tallia, a young diplomat from the other side, stranded after her mission ends in disaster. In exchange for his protection, she offers him passage across the Rive and help finding his father. But once they cross, Jaycob discovers her homeland is on the brink of ruin, locked in a ten-year war with a rival nation. 

As Tallia searches for allies, guided by the magic of an ancient relic, Jaycob hides his human identity in a land where discovery means death - not to mention never seeing his father again. [Why does Jaycob think his father is stupid enough to go to a place where being discovered means death?] But their fragile alliance is threatened when Tallia unearths a devastating truth: her empire was built on the violent exile of the Lakersh, concealed for centuries. [Is Jaycob a Lakersh?] [It's hard to read the word Lakersh without thinking of the Los Angeles Lakers.]

Jaycob longs to act on the truth, [By doing what? For all I can tell he's a 16-year old kid. And he's gonna go to war against half of the continent? A half that has magic?] but doing so would mean betraying Tallia, the only companion he’s found since his father vanished, and his only hope of finding him again. Yet as she pulls him deeper into her fight to save her empire, Jaycob begins to see that he matters beyond his father’s shadow, and that his choices could reshape a world on the brink. [Give an example of a choice he has to make that could reshape a world.] 

Now, with an empire’s fate in the balance, Jaycob and Tallia must decide whether to uphold the lies that built their world, or risk everything to end a cycle of bloodshed that’s lasted a thousand years. 

A story of familial duty, self-determination, and the weight of inherited legacy, The Lie-Bound Legacy stands alone but leaves room for continuation. It combines the moral awakening and buried truths of M.L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven with the high fantasy adventure of Victoria Aveyard's Realm Breaker.

Where were the Lakersh exiled to? Jaycob's side of the Rive? I get the impression this continent has only two places: the side of the Rive with humans, and the side with no humans. Can you convince us that Jaycob has any chance of doing anything that will affect the side with no humans? I mean, if this were two sides of a small island nation, and he were Superman, maybe, but a continent? 

Face-Lift 1538

Guess the Plot

A Complicated Plan

1. It's like that movie A Simple Plan, but that was actually a complicated plan, whereas my complicated plan is actually a simple plan.

2. Jessica dies when her car goes over a cliff, but luckily she had purchased an app that let her store her consciousness. Now if she could just find a body to put it into. 

3. It is simple. Just deliver this package to this location at this time and you will get paid. No, no. There is no apocalypse. Really.

4. It was simple, all Jack had to do was take package P along route R (no deviations D allowed) and deliver it to mailbox M before time T. Unfortunately there was a slight accident with a bifurcating quantum wyrmhole that led to him carry package P' down a long, long route of parallel R', R'', R''', etc. Not to mention what relativity did to T.

5. It was supposed to be a simple job. Two hours at most, a small price for a man's freedom. But the plan was all wrong, and things have gone hopelessly sideways. There are too many parts, and somehow also too few, and at least half of them are mislabeled. There are three step 7's and no step 5, and the diagram in step 9 has too many angles to exist in three-dimensional space. Now Chris Hopper is in a race against time to translate the instructions on the final pages from what appear to be multiple dead languages before the cruel god IKEA consumes what little is left of the weekend.

Original Version

Jessica Palmer thought her life couldn’t get worse. [Though it was probably better than Laura Palmer's life.] Her marriage was over. James, the husband she still loved, was with another woman. Jessica was heading into single parenthood with two young daughters, and depression lured her into a sleepy malaise.

 

Then her car veered off a cliff. [Okay, maybe as bad as Laura's]

 

After the accident, Jessica is unable to see, hear, or feel anything. She has no recollection of what happened and can’t seem to stay awake. Terrified, not knowing where she is or in what condition, she fights to regain steady consciousness. In her new state, Jessica cannot rely on sensory stimuli to navigate her dilemma. [realizes]

 

She begins to experience flashes of memory, ultimately coming to a surrealistic understanding: she no longer exists in corporeal form. Jessica will soon [She eventually] remember[s] uploading her consciousness to MindWave, an application that allows the human mind to continue functioning, even after death. Though there is no technology to implant [her consciousness] into a new body, she had opted years ago to store her consciousness with the company. [For only $299, we will store your consciousness. Or, for $499, get the platinum storage unit. But wait, there's more . . . ] [Is this application available at the app store?]

 

As her altered abilities emerge, Jessica recognizes her surroundings. She is in her own house, watching someone else take over her life. James, seemingly not so devastated by his wife’s recent death, has welcomed his new partner Eliza into their home. Horrified by watching her family move on without her, Jessica grapples with who she is. 

 

When she stumbles upon a revelation that changes everything, she must make an impossible choice. [If you've cut the red words, you may now have room to clarify the "revelation."] Could she really take revenge? Decide someone else’s fate, or commit murder? Unsure of how long she will be trapped without a body, Jessica only knows one thing: her death is not the end, but rather a chance to take control. 

 

I am seeking representation for my 101,000-word science fiction novel A Complicated Plan, the first in a planned duology or trilogy. It is similar in tone to [Like] Justin Cronin’s The Ferryman, addressing [it addresses] themes of love and loss while contemplating humanity. After reading about your interests, I believe you would be a good fit for this debut. 

 

Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

Notes

Presumable the revelation is that she can insert her consciousness into a recently deceased body and burn down her house with James and Eliza in it. Maybe she should try a mannequin first, if she doesn't want to murder someone. Or a shark.

"Unsure of how long she will be trapped without a body . . ."  Does this mean she has reason to believe she will eventually have a body? Is Mind Wave working on that?

Is it explained how her consciousness went from wherever Mind Wave stored it to her house? It's not easy to explain how it's in her house but not in any body or object. Is it just a bunch of zeros and ones floating around? Mind Wave should provide androids. It would cost more, but be worth it.

Anyway, maybe some of this will be helpful.

Face-Lift 1537

Guess the Plot

A Kingdom of Nightmares

1. Sparrow is a mere councilwoman, but she has the king's ear, and uses this power to control him. But being in charge of a corrupt kingdom isn't all it's cracked upn to be.

2. Folk author Chip Thorn sets out to cross America gathering light-hearted man-on-the-street anecdotes about grocery shopping, home ownership, job hunting,  and other topics involving the American dream. Within an hour, he realizes his new book will be way darker than he imagined.

3. Narcolept Vinny Ventura was so desperate for work he became a Dreamkeeper, despite the warnings. Parts of his job are silly, like when he's stripped to the skin and cake chases him down the hall of his high school. Then there's wrangling the monsters: rotting vampires, eldritch horrors, and of course Mrs. Hoffenheim, his algebra teacher.

4. When Din-ni became evil overlord, he expected to spend his time breeding monsters and holding decadent masquerades, not doing paperwork for 18 hours a day. It's bad enough, he starts employing the would-be heroes who come to fight him.

Original Version

A Kingdom of Nightmares is a 71000 word Speculative Fiction novel that features religious power and influence from Mia Tsai's The Memory Hunters and elements of societal control from Robert Jackson Bennett's The Tainted Cup. [It's probably worth mentioning, though you may consider it nitpicking, that the three book titles in that sentence should be italicized, there should be a hyphen between the 1 and the 0 in 71000, you need a hyphen between "71,000" and "word," and speculative fiction doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, it almost seems as if you're saying you took elements from those comp books, rather than your book has themes similar to what's in those books. That's a lot of stuff, and all in the first sentence the agent sees from you. You don't want her thinking that's an example of what's in the book.] 

Sparrow Ashfield commands the attention of a room, making political power plays with ruthless perfection. Her ambition is cultivated by her father, Elliot Ashfield, who grooms her for the role of council member, so she may control the King. [If she's not already a council member, what is her position, that allows her to make ruthless political power plays?] To exert her will and claim authority over Prosperity. [Is Prosperity the kingdom's name? The king's? The city's?] But as her influence over the King grows, the city teems with unrest. [She's now a council member? How does the newest council member have so much influence? If I were one of the long-standing council members, and this newbie showed up and tried to take charge, I'd immediately arrange her assassination.] A resistance sparks in the Lower City, rallying against the aristocrats and their King. Yet her uncle, the Archbishop, manages to stay their hand through religious dogma and righteous punishment. 

The grip Elliot has on Sparrow's mind holds strong for years. She places him on a golden pedestal, never once questioning his judgement. Until a guilty aristocrat is pardoned for the rape and murder of a peasant. Until the blasphemous words her brother whispers in her ear start to take root. Reminding Sparrow of a time when she cried for slaves and peasants, and did not long for power. [Non-sentences acting as sentences is okay for effect, but three in a row is a bit much. Maybe connect the last two with a comma.] When she imagines the peasant girl dead and defiled in the alleyway, something inside her cracks. Prosperity has been devoured by men of power, and Sparrow doesn't know which side she belongs on. [My impression is that Sparrow knows which side she belongs on. Which also makes a better last sentence.]

Notes

What is this council Sparrow is groomed for? A city council? A council of advisers to the king? I don't see how one city councilwoman gets control over the king. How about a specific example of her exerting her influence over the king. What does her father want done that the king needs to be talked into by Sparrow?

Does Sparrow have magical powers of some sort that would explain how she's able to control the king and claim authority over Prosperity?

Face-Lift 1536

Guess the Plot

The Lie-Bound Legacy

1. In order to inherit, you must never tell a lie. Or was that a lie in the first place?

2. So Marty was involved in a slightly less than truthful archaeological dig some twenty years ago. He was young, practically a kid. That's no reason to keep him tied up in a closet while Arture Thellis hires an excavation team, a film crew, and applies for grant money. The real problem, of course, will be the Mafia he scammed.

3. Tallia just found out that everything she believed about her family is a lie, and they were actually worse than Hitler. Now she must decide whether or not to continue reaping the rewards of her ancestors' horrendous behavior. I mean she didn't do any of that stuff.

Original Version

I would like you to consider representing my novel THE LIE-BOUND LEGACY, a dual-pov epic fantasy, complete at 117,000 words. I am submitting to you because….

For eight years, Jaycob has wanted only to find his missing father. But standing in his way is the Rive, the impenetrable wall that divides the continent. When he rescues Tallia, a stranded Elvei ambassador, she offers him a deal: safe passage across the Rive, if he escorts her home to Galinir. [How is she stranded, if she can get across the Rive? How did dad get across the Rive? I'm starting to wonder if "impenetrable" is the best word to describe the Rive.

Okay, I'm just messing with you, obviously it's a magical wall that can be penetrated only by Elvei people and their guests. And it first appeared at a time when dad was on the other side of the continent.]

On the other side, Jaycob finds an empire fractured by war. [When she got him to agree to escort her home, did she mention that it would be through a war zone?] With her family's lives in jeopardy, Tallia is determined to end it - until buried secrets rise to the surface, unravelling everything she believes about her ancestry and her place in the world. [All of this happens as Jaycob is escorting her home? A specific example of a buried secret that rose to the surface and apparently changed her mind about wanting to end the war would be nice.] Caught between the truth and loyalty, she must decide if survival is worth preserving a legacy built on blood. [A lot of legacies are built on blood, aka ancestry. Maybe change "blood" to "bloodshed" if thats the buried secret. Or change it to "lies," which explains the title.] [Are you saying if she survives (the war?) the legacy is preserved, but if she dies, it isn't? It sounds like Tallia's family or ancestors are totally responsible for the war.] 

Drawn deeper into Galinir’s conflict, Jaycob is sure that every risk is worth it, as long as it brings him closer to his father. [Has anything brought him closer, so far? Does he even know his father is on this side of the Rive? And didn't just abandon the family or fall into a crevasse?] But when he finds himself torn between Tallia and the quest that has defined him, he must confront what he is really searching for - and who he might become if he stops chasing someone else’s shadow. 

The Lie-Bound Legacy stands alone but leaves room for continuation. I would position this book next to Andrea Stewart’s The Bone Shard Daughter, Tasha Suri’s Burning Kingdoms trilogy, and Victoria Aveyard’s Realm Breaker.

I live in London, where I work in translation rights for genre fiction. I’ve been reading and writing fantasy since my teenage years, and am especially drawn to emotionally rich, character-driven stories. When I’m not writing, I’m usually getting my fantasy fix from playing Dungeons and Dragons, searching for the next compelling arc. [And orc.]

Notes

This is well-written, and most of my comments are there just to entertain the evil minions. Though I think it could use more specificity. What did Tallia believe about her place in the world? Does Jaycob know what he is really searching for? Instead of confronting it, he could realize that he's really searching for . . . whatever. If he's been chasing his father's shadow, why say "someone else's"? Is this war actually a revolution or are kingdoms/nations fighting? Not that you can address everything in your query, but any generality replaced with a specific is an improvement.

"Bound" has a lot of meanings. Maybe "Lie-based" would be clearer. Or maybe bound sounds better to you. Either way, the publisher will probably change the title to Jake and the Giant Wall.

Is there anything magical/mystical/fantastical besides an impenetrable wall and one character's ability to penetrate it?

Can birds fly over the Rive? Just asking. Is there any communication between the two sides? Can the people on each side build giant towers that allow them to see over the Rive and yell things to each other, like, Hey, anybody over there seen my father?

If you work in translation rights for a publisher, the least they can do is publish your book, after all you've done for them. Tell them Evil Editor said so.

Face-Lift 1535

Guess the Plot

Horizon’s Door

1. Harold Ivaans draws himself an awesome new reality with a purple crayon, then discovers a monochrome fantasy land gets boring quick. With the end stub, he creates a door on the horizon that should get him out. But he should've used a different color for the door, because now he can't find it.

2. A space opera in twelve acts, each starring a protagonist with a unique take on extra-galactic exploration. Also, dolphin-squid hybrids.

3. With an army of savage zombies attacking the kingdom, it's up to lowly squire Wrayn to save us all, but when he peeks through the door to another dimension, hoping for help, all he sees is an ancient evil that wants to inhabit his body. Also: jousting!

4. When a portal opens on the distant horizon, the islanders board their canoes and paddle toward what they think is a passageway to the spirit world. But the faster they paddle toward the horizon, the faster the horizon flees. There's a lesson in there somewhere.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT]:

 

Wrayn is a squire from a backwater corner of the realm who just wanted to joust in the lists one day. But that was before savages from the other side of the world began unleashing fires that grew closer and closer to home. In the last three weeks, Wrayn has learned three key survival tips:

 

1 - Dead bodies smell bad. Real bad. They smell even worse when you figure out that they are barbarian pawns being manipulated in a conspiracy by the richest noble in the land to seize the throne for himself. [Not clear how this is a survival tip. To me, the survival tip when dead bodies are coming for me is to outrun them. And stopping to figure out whether they're being manipulated by a rich noble is likely to ensure my failure to survive.] 

 

2 - Jumping into a magical doorway, although tempting, especially when it is the only way to save your own skin with cavalry lances seconds away from impaling you, is a pretty bad idea. [Especially when no one has seen any magic in the world for millenia. [millennia] [Another terrible survival tip. You either jump through the door, or you don't survive. Jumping through the door is a fabulous idea. I'll be surprised if this guy lives past chapter 3.]

 

3 – Do not, under any circumstances, look directly into the eyes of an ancient sorcerer hovering above a battlefield, no matter how grim things may look on the ground. That kind of thing could get you killed. Or worse. [A better tip:  Do not, under any circumstances, look at anything other than the dead barbarian pawn swinging his sword at your neck.]

 

Wrayn only wanted to serve his lord well, and maybe even earn a knighthood one day. But deadly games are playing out above his head. [Literally? Like the sorcerer hovering above the battlefield?]  Soon he is charging with cavalry headlong into a siege, uncovering bloody clues of a decades-long ploy to take the crown, and peering into a parallel dimension, where an ancient evil is looking for just the right mortal vessel to inhabit. [I'd change those first two commas to semicolons so we don't think he's doing all three things at the same time.] If Wrayn does not master his fears and survive long enough to solve the mysteries threatening the realm, he will not only never make it back home, but [and] the kingdom will descend into irreversible chaos. [It kind of goes without saying that he won't make it back home if he doesn't survive.] 

 

Given your taste for epic fantasy and representation of [INSERT GOOD AGENT COMPS], I thought C would be a good fit for your list. A standalone fantasy novel with series potential and three points of view, it is complete at 104,000 words. Influenced by my love for fantasy with genre-blending twists and political intrigue, Horizon’s Door will appeal to fans of James Islington’s The Will of the Many and John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga.

 

I am a construction lawyer living in Charlotte, North Carolina, where I enjoy hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains and eat way too much BBQ for my own good. Horizon’s Door would be my first published work.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Not clear why it's up to this squire to solve the mysteries threatening the kingdom. I suppose if  the ancient evil inhabits him and gives him the power to stop an army of zombies, that would be a start. But then he's stuck with an ancient evil inside him.

The survival tips are taking up a lot of space, and it's not clear how he learned this stuff. Did he look into the sorcerer's eyes and jump through the door? And survive? Or did he see someone else do it and die? Maybe it's better to show us what's happened than to tell us what he learned from it.

Maybe you should start something like:

Wrayn, a squire from a backwater corner of the realm, just wants to serve his lord well, and maybe even earn a knighthood. But when dead savages from the other side of the world lay siege to the kingdom, Wrayn realizes that magic and sorcery, not seen for millennia, have returned. And an ancient evil from a parallel dimension is looking for the right mortal vessel to inhabit.

Now you have room to cover the mysteries and clues and how Wrayn plans to save the kingdom from irreversible chaos.

Face-Lift 1534

Guess the Plot

We the Brazen

1. Ever-expanding robot hive mind Izkssisst runs out of materials for their next generation in a rocky asteroid belt. They resort to using brass, which leads to a splintering of the commune. Can we new Tissizks branch off on our own, or do we truly wish to be a part of the them?

2. When Clam gets tasked with cooking for a diplomat, she has no idea he'll turn out to be a young child. On the bright side, it means she'll only have to make pizza and chicken fingers.

3. It takes a lot of gall to march into the governor's mansion, take paintings off the walls, and burn them, but that's what the new tri delta pledges have to do. It's hazing, 2025-style.

 

Original Version

WE THE BRAZEN is a high fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 76K words. Fans of Deeplight by Frances Hardinge may enjoy the focus on friendship and the underwater setting.

Clam swore she would kill the next master she could get her hands on, [She must've been really steamed. Get it? Steamed clam.] and they heard her. [Not thrilled with "Clam" as the name of a main character, though I'll allow that it's better than "Lobster."] [Who is this "they" that heard her? The masters?] For twenty years she was condemned to kitchen work, never to serve an Exalted again. [Is serving an Exalted a cushy job? Because I think I'd rather work in a kitchen than serve some highbrow snob who considers himself exalted. Are the Exalted masters?] ["Condemned" is a pretty strong word for kitchen work, a job millions of people choose, and billions do in their own homes. Judge: I find you guilty as charged, and condemn you to 20 years as a personal chef.]

When she’s put to work under a young, disabled diplomat named Asran, she begins to suspect she was sent to him because of her threat, not despite it. Her home is a eugenicist dystopia, [Do you mean Asran's home? She was sent to him, right? I assume she works in his kitchen.] and does not take kindly to people like Asran. [Meaning disabled diplomats?] As much as she wants to make good on her promise, she's unwilling to kill a sweet child. [If "they" want Asran gone or dead, why don't they just banish or kill him?] [Wait, Asran is a child? And a diplomat?]

Her suspicions only deepen when she’s sent an unsigned letter that instructs her to give him foods he’s deathly allergic to. She must try to keep him and herself alive in a hostile world, and find out [identify? expose?] Asran’s would-be-murderer before they can finish the job. [If they were willing to finish the job, they would have done it already, instead of trying to get Clam to do it.]

___________ is [I am] a first reader for The Colored Lens and has [have] an affinity for the strange and the fantastic. They are [I am] autistic like Asran, and enjoy staying up too late talking to their [my] friends.

Notes

Does this sweet child, Asran, have parents? If so, I think they would be interested in finding whoever sent the letter. Why is Clam the one investigating?

If I want Asran to eat deadly food, I think I'd sneak it into his food myself, rather than tell someone else to do it, which leaves a a paper trail.

I'm not clear on what the eugenicist dystopia is. Is that Clam's homeland? The home she lived in before she was sent to Asran's home? Is she working in Asran's home, even though the people in this home don't take kindly to people like him?

My problems are with the plot, as much as the query, unless the query is giving me the wrong ideas about the plot, in which case you need to clarify the plot points I brought up.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1518 would like feedback on the follwong version of the query.

Dear Evil Editor,

ADAM & EVE is an adult 99,000-word LGBTQ+ thriller set in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, complete at 99,000 words. Combining the style of Everyone in my Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson with the speculative themes [evocative] of My Murder by Katie Williams, ADAM & EVE will appeal to fans of the dark humour in AppleTV’S Severance.

42 year-old solicitor Cat Cowan goes home [to Scotland] for the first time in a decade—but only for the sperm. She thinks pricey artificial insemination from the controversial specialists at The Clinic will fill the hole her ex-girlfriend left behind.

Cat’s thrilled when The Clinic delivers, but at the 6 week scan a whistle-blowing nurse tells her she received IVF instead of IUI.

No sperm; just an embryo. [Move this sentence to the end of the previous paragraph.]

Someone else’s embryo.

Devastated, [Enraged?] Cat takes a blood test and launches an investigation. She tracks down the offending clinician’s ex-wife, Tasha. With a shared enemy, they grow close as they dig into The Clinic’s sordid history: eugenics, questionable practices, exploiting a devastated population after a disastrous chemical spill that caused miscarriages, birth defects and cancer. And, after Tasha’s son hacks their servers, historic footage of strange tests performed on two children: [they called] Adam and Eve.

The footage is so old Adam and Eve must be adults by now, but there’s no trace of them. The investigation pivots to exposing embryo theft—The Clinic has an airtight retention policy that suggests they kept and raised two babies for developmental study—but before Cat and Tasha can expose them, Tasha’s son disappears. [is found dead. Or is he? Tasha's adamant the body in the morgue isn't her son.]

Then they find him dead on the beach. It’s ruled an accidental drowning, but Tasha’s adamant it isn’t him: he had braces as a child, and the teeth are wrong even if the rest of him matches.

Cat’s convinced he was killed because they’re close to exposing The Clinic, but Tasha won’t budge: her son is missing, not dead, and who—or what—ever is in the morgue, it’s not him.

As they search for Tasha’s son and confront the growing evidence that The Clinic isn’t just selectively implanting embryos, it’s cloning them, Cat realises the real question isn’t whose baby she has [is] inside her.

It’s who’s in there at all [what's inside her]. [The options being someone else's embryo/ baby or the clone of someone else's embryo/ baby, right?]

Notes

This is a big improvement, but is longer than ideal. Maybe that won't matter, but getting rid of the red words wouldn't hurt.