A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1492

Guess the Plot

Goblin Noir

1. Dwarves and orcs have finally settled their differences, but when an orc disappears and explosives are stolen, it's up to a goblin to prevent a disaster that could lead to war.

2. A goblin walks into a bar looking for the P.I. that stole his girlfriend (goblin girls are H O T). This leads to a series murders & capers trying to find the missing girlfriend, stay out of jail, and not kill each other when there are witnesses.

3. a.k.a. Fred is the best (the only) P.I. in the goblin market. He's tired of finding lost cats, lost keys, lost sisters, lost anything, so he tries to instigate a messy divorce case. Hijinx lead to a grizzly murder.

4. Goblin Rouge has gone rogue. Goblin bleu has gone missing. Goblin Gris has gone celebrity chef. And, Goblin blanc is now Blanche, modèle féminin. Only one hero can stand to save the underground music scene from nasal-tone invasion. Also, π (pi)

5. It's got all the elements you'd expect in a noir story--a cynical hero, a femme fatale, morally ambiguous characters--with one small difference: they're all grotesque mythical creatures.

Original Version

Hello [Agent],

Goblin Noir is a hardboiled detective mystery in a fantasy setting. It’s 75,000 words and will appeal to fans of mysteries like The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler and The City & the City by China Miéville or enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.

Hawkshaw, a cynical goblin, is the house detective at a foundry. He’s assigned to track down a missing orcish worker, but the case spirals into an investigation of smugglers, secret police and revolutionary groups.

Dwarves and orcs, along with their respective allies, have reached an unsteady peace after a century of warfare. They live alongside each other in Siege City, a metropolis where the trenches and siege towers outside the walls became the building blocks for a new borough. [and where a goblin detective is as likely to come up against [encounter] Planning and Zoning regulations as vampires or elves.] 

During the investigation, Hawkshaw partners with a young orc, Noroki, whose boundless optimism constantly tugs at Hawkshaw’s jaded worldview. They discover that the orc they're looking for was involved in a plot to rob [steal] explosives for a revolutionary sect led by Hawkshaw's close friend and mentor.

Rival revolutionary groups, the city watch, and an elusive dwarvish secret police unit are all racing to find the missing worker and the explosives, with Hawkshaw and Noroki caught between them [in the middle]. All hope for the city rests on Hawkshaw solving the mystery before another war erupts. 

Goblin Noir is also infused with some of my own experience as a local news reporter and editor in [city] for the last ten years. I run a local news site there called [website]. In Siege City, a goblin PI is as likely to come up against Planning and Zoning regulations as vampires or elves. [I guess that sentence could belong there if the name of your news site is "Breaking News from the (city) Planning and Zoning Department. Also, is "goblin PI" meant to refer to Hawkshaw? As a house detective, I wouldn't call him private.] 

Goblin Noir works as a standalone story, but I am working on a second title and have a third one outlined.

Thank you very much for considering Goblin Noir!

Notes

I like this. I just think it needs some reorganization. If the paragraphs came in this order, it would be more cohesive in my opinion:  P3, P2, P4, P5, P1+ P7 combined, P6. This might require a couple minor tweaks.

I think your 3rd paragraph should start Goblins and orcs, or Goblins and dwarves, or Goblins, orcs and dwarves. 

Are there police or whatever that can be called in so that all hope for the city doesn't rest on the house detective at a foundry?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1489  would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect her eco-city from monsters and crooked mages. But the main reason she joined a guild was to get leads that’d [I prefer "that would"] help solve her parents' murder. [To you, joining a guild means battling monsters and getting access to leads. To the person reading this, joining a guild means hooking up with people who share your hobby or occupation. Instead of saying she joined a guild, say she joined the (specific) guild (Protection, Security, Defense, Resistance). Maybe "force" would be better than "guild."] Defying death only to run into dead-ends is beyond frustrating. But the last time she picked herself over duty, she lost a dear friend. And the last thing she needs is another scar from the knife-edge her morals and ambitions balance on. [Those last two sentences need some background. The paragraph would have more cohesion if the last three sentences were replaced with something like: Too bad every lead she finds takes her down a dead end.] 

Finally, [Eventually?] she learns key info about the case belongs to longtime arms dealer Tantalus. More, he fronts a scheme weaponizing human bodies so he can sell the results to the highest bidder. [I'm not sure what the results of weaponizing human bodies are, so I don't know who would bid on them. I'm imagining implanting a bomb in a corpse and auctioning off the corpse.] Save lives and get closure? Of course Shukari’s on the job. Too bad he set a trap he knew she’d trip—and the structure they’re in collapses. People suffer, his trail grows cold, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. 

 

One write-up later, Shukari is given a choice, fix this mess or enjoy probation. Deal. Catch Tantalus, tear down his ring, get the info, everybody wins. But the more she clashes [matches?] wits and weapons with him, the harder her precious balance gets to manage. As a wider plan unfolds and many more are endangered, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [Why is this a choice? There's no deadline for avenging her dead parents, so she can do that after she saves living people.]

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse-like state. [First I'll have to imagine what a Norse-like state is. Are we talking about Norway, Vikings, or Thor?] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

 

I have a MS in Mechanical Engineering and work as a Research Scientist. Science stimulates my brain during the day, and fantasy keeps my pen awake at night.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

When you mention her precious balance, I think of one of those balances like in chemistry, with her morals in the pan on the left and her ambition in the pan on the right. But you earlier said he morals and ambition were balancing on a knife edge, which suggests they could both fall off in the same direction.

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots. https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1491

Guess the Plot

The Bait

1. Nick has put together the perfect con, and he's hired  a perfect woman to lure in the biggest fish for a big score. Too bad he's falling for her too.

2. Here, fishy fishy.

3. An impressionable worm named Birdfood must survive the trials and tribulations of living in a backyard full of starlings on a rainy morning. If that's not enough, the homeowner is about to take his daughter fishing and digs up the compost, finding Birdfood between an eggshell and a banana peel. 

4. When the government decides to deal with the zombie problem by depositing millions of them in the Grand Canyon, they need bait to lure them across the country. But how many people will be willing to sacrifice their brains to save humanity?

5. Detective Zach Martinez needs to get into that warehouse, but there are dogs barking and snarling at him through the fence, and he didn't bring any meat to bait them away. He knows two things. Cutting off his hand and tossing it over would be overkill. And whether he does it or not, his wife will expect him to bring home some chicken fingers from Hungry Hen.

Original Version

Dear AGENT,

If he had to, Stanley would walk into a herd of the undead for his adopted daughter Mabel - and he might have to.

Like THE LAST OF US, my debut novel THE BAIT features a complex father-daughter relationship in a post-apocalyptic future where ingenuity is the key to survival. With bone-chilling cliffhangers and a wry social commentary, THE BAIT is a genre-blending, SFFH epic at 99,000 words. It fits on the shelf between Mira Grant's FEED and Robert Kirkman's THE WALKING DEAD. [This paragraph would be better after the plot summary. That two of your comp titles are a video game/tv series and a comic book/tv series is best left till after you hook the reader.] 

Stanley doesn’t know if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. He wants to be good. But everyone needs him to be bad. After kill-killing his way through the AfterWars, Stanley established the town of Loretta, Utah, a rooftop haven for survivors of the American West. The undead can stumble up a staircase but they can't climb ladders. So Stanley built Loretta on the roofs. [So there was already a town here, but the people were all dead, so Stanley took over the roofs of the buildings and declared it "Loretta"? And there are now buildings with nothing inside them, and people living on their roofs? Are the ladders outside the buildings, leaning against them? If the undead knock down the ladders, will the people be stranded, eventually without food? I wouldn't want to be on a roof during a thunderstorm. In fact, the people living on a roof would probably add walls and a roof to keep the weather out, and now they're not on the roof, they're in the penthouse. Are the roofs wheelchair accessible? If not, are those who can't walk abandoned to the undead? Because carrying a person up a ladder would be really hard. Why not have normal buildings with several floors and staircases where the people live, but ladders are needed only to get to the second floor? What if it turns out the undead can climb ladders, they just haven't needed to because they haven't encountered any buildings that require ladder climbing?] He aims to live peacefully with [without?] the tilting corpses that roam the countryside. [Did the undead sign a peace treaty that requires them to roam the countryside and ignore the fact that there are delicious brains up above them?] It’s risky, but Stanley believes the worst is behind him.

He is wrong.

A stranger arrives from the NewUSA with news of a government plan to draw millions of the “unfortunates” out of the Great Plains and into the Grand Canyon. Unfortunately, Loretta is in the way, and in 48 hours, a massive stampede of zombies will destroy everything. [But the zombies didn't count on Loretta's secret weapon: ladders.] 

To make matters worse, Stanley’s adopted daughter Mabel left town with her boyfriend Charlie, and was taken by train pirates in the Navajolands. As the fragile peace of Loretta crumbles, Stanley must embark on a perilous journey to rescue Mabel before it’s too late. [Are train pirates pirates who travel by train instead of ship, or what we used to call train robbers in the old west? Just asking.] [How does Stanley know Mabel was taken by train pirates? Where were Mabel and Charlie going?] 

I am seeking representation for THE BAIT, the first of a trilogy, with series potential. PART 2: The Mormon Territories, (a flashback) focuses on the stranger from the NewUSA, a queer woman who, to survive, must conform to the fascist regime that takes everything away from her. PART 3: Operation Lemmings, (back to the present) follows the dangerous choice our two protagonists must make. Do they work together and save humanity, or save them themselves and watch everything fall? [This is a lot of space to devote to two books you haven't written yet. I'd keep the first sentence, and then tack on that stuff from up at the top.]

I am a filmmaker and father from Portland, Oregon, discovering my neurodivergence. I have written and edited narrative films and documentaries for the last 20 years and served as a Peace Corps Volunteer in West Africa. My life in the Pulaar culture deeply influenced my novel's message of hope, diversity, ingenuity, and survival. [For the next four years, no one will publish anything with a message of diversity. Be forewarned.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

You spend a lot of the query on the roofs, considering that the main character leaves his rooftop world. How much of the book is set in Loretta? Are there any Loretta-based plot scenes worthy of mention? Or could the query just begin: When the residents of Loretta, Utah, learn that the government of newUSA is herding millions of zombies toward the Grand Canyon . . . 

If I were herding millions of zombies to the Grand Canyon, I'd take them south and cross into Arizona from central New Mexico. Coming down through Utah would require them to climb the Colorado Rockies. Which is probably even harder than climbing ladders. I guess there are streets they could walk on, but if the street has walls of rock on both sides at some point, and millions of zombies have to merge into two lanes, there's gonna be a massive pileup.

Millions of zombies suggests that this apocalypse is well under way. But there's a government dealing with it, Mabel seems to think there are better places than Roofville, and there's enough communication (cell phones?) that Stanley knows what happened to Mabel. Some of this suggests that the situation isn't as dire (yet) as in those TV shows.

Of course most of my comments concern plot points that are probably addressed in the book. So the question becomes, If the agent asks these same questions, will she want to read the entire manuscript to find the answers, or will she decide it's easier to email you a form rejection? 

This note about the title, that you included with the query, seems to me to clarify a lot:  The title refers to Stanley, the protagonist, baiting zombies through his town to keep the residents safe. But then a government plot also recruits him to be "the bait" and lure millions of zombies into a mass grave. The query isn't specific about when Stanley goes after Mabel, and had me believing Stanley left town before the zombies showed up. What does he use to bait them through his town? Is he planning to use the same thing to get them to the Grand Canyon? More about that.

Face-Lift 1490

Guess the Plot

Nelsai of Nirvana

1. Nelsai accidentally finds herself in Nirvana, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it's a fractured world on the brink of collapse. Can she bring this place back to its heavenly former self? Also, a motherly pirate.

2. Nirvana, yeah, that, that place, yeah, with the smoke, yeah, it's somewhere high, yeah, with Nelsai, yeah.

3. Nelsai is dead. She knows this. That won't stop her from getting revenge on the ones who killed her. Thankfully, they joined her in Nirvana. Revenge is sweet. 

4. Nirvana was a paradise until humans turned it into a tourist trap. Now the soul of the world has manifested as Nelsai, theme parks have turned into horror houses and nature is showing the puny ape-derivatives how powerless they really are--unless Marty can make Nelsai fall in love.

5. Autobiography of Mitch Nelsai, one of five drummers who played with Nirvana before Dave Grohl joined the band. The book focuses on the three days Mitch lasted before Kurt Cobain threw him out because the 68-year-old Nelsai didn't have enough teen spirit. 

Original Version

Dear agent, 

The afterlife is broken, and Nelsai’s the only one who isn’t helping – that’s what they keep telling her.

Nobody asked for a shoddy version of heaven. When Nelsai spawns into the afterlife and a kind doctor, a motherly pirate, and a boy rescue her from the spawn site, she’s grateful, but lost. Like everyone else in Ati, she’s doomed to either fade peacefully when her regrets resolve – or dissolve in agony if she dies before then. [What is Ati? Is it Nirvana? My research reveals it's a Yoga level, and/or something to do with eastern religions. Based on the title, I would expect the afterlife in your book to be Nirvana. But Nirvana isn't mentioned at all in the query. Also, you know why they call it "afterlife"? Because you "spawn" into it when you're dead. Are any of the four characters mentioned so far dead?]

Twenty years later, [Twenty years? Is she still in the afterlife? What's she been doing? Are these people trying to get back to the beforedeath?] when the doctor proposes another mission to save a fellow spawner, Nelsai agrees because peer pressure is a hell of a thing. But the mission goes awry, and the innocent spawner perishes in a horrifying new kind of death: a blood mist. The Doves, the afterlife regime, retaliate by executing Nelsai’s family and she snaps, discovering an ability to freeze water. How exciting. [Such sarcasm is unwarranted. Are you not familiar with Iceman, Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, Ice, and Blizzard? Top of the line B-list superheroes and villains.] [Also, anyone can freeze water. That's how we get ice cubes.] [Wait, the Doves are so upset that someone they never met is dead, that they kill a bunch of other people that they never met?]

With her adoptive brother, Quinn, [the only family member who wasn't executed by the Doves, because, hey, he was only adopted,] Nelsai joins the Doves to destroy them from within. [Rules 38 and 218 of rules for Evil Overlords: If I just wiped out someone's entire family, and that someone applies to join my organization, I will immediately kill them.] Their paths cross again with Tetron, ["Their," meaning Nelsai & Quinn? Are the doctor and pirate along too? When did their paths uncross?] an arrogant, conniving man who will do anything for his blatantly secretive goals. But when Tetron unexpectedly saves her from certain death, Nelsai is forced to confront the complexity of their relationship – and that Tetron might be more worth tolerating than she wanted. [When your enemy saves you from certain death, consider whether they might be doing so because mere death is too good for you.]

Together, they [They, meaning the whole gang + Tetron? ] struggle to control a crumbling political system, a fractured world on the brink of collapse, [That world being Ati? Nirvana?] and an emerging force always steps ahead of their subpar attempts to resist it. Quinn’s growing distance and his willingness to sacrifice their friends leave Nelsai torn between loyalty and ambition. She needs allies – she wants friends – but who? Yun’s flashy lightning doesn’t do crap indoors. McClintock’s invincible and acts like it too. Luke has a nice Talent, but he’s definitely faking it. [Wait, are these the names of the doctor, pirate, and boy? Maybe throw in their names up above, instead of their adjectives (kind, motherly)] Conveniently, Tetron wants to help, though she knows his desire to win is just as fierce as her own. [Is it a bad thing to have people on your team who are invincible or have a strong desire to win?]

Nelsai of Nirvana is a 90,000-word gripping, character-driven dark fantasy that [with series potential. The novel] explores mortality, purpose of life, guilt, enemies to trauma bonding to friends to lovers, and what it means to truly know oneself. [When listing stuff, limit yourself to the top three.] It would most appeal to fans who enjoyed the dialogue driven, dual timeline storytelling from The Lies of Locke Lamora, and piecing together an intriguing world – all under a sense of impending doom – as Essun did in the Broken Earth Trilogy.

 

I’m an avid reader in this genre and write sustainability reports for a living. I used to have other hobbies until pickleball took over my life. Nelsai of Nirvana is a standalone novel with great series potential. I’d love to send you the full manuscript for your consideration. Nelsai is dying – pun intended – to meet you.                                                             

Thank you very much for your time.          

Notes

This is too long. Ten sentences of plot summary is about right to tell us who your main character is, what her current situation is, what her goal is, what obstacle stands in her way, what her plan is to overcome that obstacle, and what will happen if she fails. 

If I'm spawned into the afterlife before dying, my goal is gonna be to get out, unless the place is a lot better than the one I left. As it appears there's no way out, Nelsai needs a new goal, and chooses: destroy the afterlife regime. Pretty ambitious but maybe if you tell us what her companions are capable of, instead of denigrating their talents, we'll buy into it.

Do the pirate, doctor, and boy have a goal other than rescuing a spawner every twenty years?

I don't get much of a sense of what this place is like. What are the dead who haven't faded away or dissolved doing? Are they more like people or angels or zombies? Who put the Doves in charge? Does the doctor have patients? You don't have room in the query to build the whole world, but a little something would help.

Face-Lift 1489

Guess the Plot

Valistry

1. After writing in the wrong computer code, James enters the world of Valistry, in the role of the villain's top henchman. Chaos ensues.

2. It's a city under siege from monsters and mages, and it's up to one woman to protect the innocents. Too bad she's got her own agenda: a personal revenge tour.

3. It's time to save the world again, but all the heroes at the Valistry agency have their hands full with death (The Reapers Agency) and taxes (Big Brother Ltd.). Can intern Annie-Jay step up to the plate or will it be WWIII trenches all over again?

4. The memoir of a wannabe author who posted their novel on the web only to discover real publishers were then unwilling to publish it. Also, CliffsNotes.

5. When Sally finds the obituary of her childhood BFF Claire in the morning paper, she thinks back over the petty feuds that eventually drove them apart. Each chapter recounts a story from their past, from PTA meeting squabbles to college roommate spats to fighting over a boy in high school. So many things they should have forgiven each other for. Except that Scrabble triple-word score crap Claire tried to pull. What kind of a word is "Valistry"? Good riddance, bitch.

Original Version

Upstart guilder Shukari is sick of putting her wants below others. Risking her skin against monsters in metal forests and crooked mages in eco-cities don’t give leads to her parents’ murders. [Nitpick: If she's risking her skin against monsters and mages, "don't" should be "doesn't." If it's only the monsters she's risking her skin against, maybe add a verb in front of the mages, like "outsmarting" or "battling."] Yes, she loves protecting people, but she really joined the Guild for its networking. Tough quests paired with dead-ends are testing her patience. But without better options, what else does one do but grin and bear it? 

 

Finally, she discovers groundbreaking info about the case. The catch? It belongs to arms ring leader Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, who’s wanted dead or alive. And when Shukari tries “alive” for her own goals, she realizes Tantalus used himself as bait—and rigged the structure they’re in to collapse. Innocents and guildmates get hurt, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. [When you say she discovers groundbreaking info, I assume she has it or knows what it is, not that someone else has it. More likely is: When she hears that arms dealer Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, has crucial info about her parents' case, she tracks down the criminal. But she quickly realizes that he used himself as bait--and . . . ]

 

One write-up [reprimand?] later, Shukari is given a choice, shape up or ship out—and risk her parents’ case staying cold. Deal. She knows capturing Tantalus is an easy path to penance. She’ll need a sharp wit to do so and a sharper spear to fight crooks invested in his success. With allies and enemies watching her every move, [This may be the path to penance, but it doesn't sound "easy" to me.] she wants to prove herself just and complete the mission of her life. But as many more innocents are threatened, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [She'll need a spear sharper than her wit? Or sharper than the spear she uses to kill monsters? This must be a metaphorical spear. Fighting with a spear doesn't seem to belong in a world where terms like networking and rap sheets and eco-city are commonly used.]

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is Norse Science Fantasy. An Adult standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast, it will appeal to fans of the setting in John Gwynne’s THE SHADOW OF THE GODS shaped by magic and science like M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Notes

It's not clear why she must choose between protecting innocents and avenging her parents. Especially if those attacking the innocents are the murderers. She can protect innocents when they're being attacked, and work her parents' case during lulls in the attacks. 

I'm not sure what an upstart guilder is, even after reading this. Apparently there's this guild whose members are given death-defying quests in order to protect people from those who would attack them for no obvious reason. Do monsters and mages only attack innocents? 

Here's a slightly more succinct first paragraph:

Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect people from the monsters and crooked mages in her eco-city, but the main reason she joined the Protection Guild was to get leads that would help solve her parents' murder. Now death-defying missions paired with dead-end leads are testing her patience. But without better options, what does one do but grin and bear it? 

This read okay to begin with, so feel free to ignore my suggestions. Most people do.

Feedback Request

 

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1485 would like feedback on the following revision:

Dear [Full Name]

Seventeen-year-old Ruyi should work on better distancing herself from her imprisoned, occult-obsessed, serial killer dad. Instead, she’s using his spellbook to resurrect her girlfriend Manon, who mysteriously drowned. The resurrection goes awry when Ruyi botches a pronunciation and summons Syx, an injured entity from outer space. And it’s trapped inside Manon’s body, unable to leave. 

A desperate Ruyi makes a deal with Syx: she’ll help heal it in exchange for Manon’s resurrection. [How can Syx provide Manon's resurrection?] In the meantime, Ruyi will feed Syx whenever it needs to be fed while making sure no one in their boarding school thinks something is off. If Ruyi can handle pulling all-nighters then she can absolutely handle Syx’s requests for fresh meat.

But when a sleep-deprived Ruyi accidentally kills another student with her car, she panics and turns to Syx for help with getting rid of the body. What she doesn’t expect is Syx’[s] demands for more human flesh while refusing to eat anything else. Now, Ruyi wonders if she’s willing to sacrifice her morals and murder people like her dad once did. Or, if she should give up [on?] Manon’s resurrection and let her corpse be permanently controlled by a dangerous creature. 

CORPSEBORNE is an (est. 80000)-word YA horror. It combines the eldritch horror of I Feed Her To The Beast And The Beast Is Me by Jamison Shea and the dark yet intimate vibes of Don’t Let The Forest In by C.G. Drews. [bio here] Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

This is a big improvement, but it leads me to ask questions about the plot that may be answered in the book:

As I understand it, the spell book includes a spell that will resurrect a dead person, and this spell is almost exactly the same as a spell that will summon an entity from outer space. Why would there even be a spell that can summon an entity from outer space? Was this entity in orbit around Earth or just somewhere in the galaxy? I think it would be better if the spell did something similar to the resurrection Ruyi wants, like summoning a malignant spirit from hell.

Unless Ruyi is going to be getting fresh meat from a grocery store, I'm not convinced that keeping Syx fed is going to be as easy as pulling an all-nighter.

If there's a spell that'll send an entity back into outer space, Ruyi should use it to get rid of Syx, then do the resurrection herself, this time without botching the pronunciation. And if there isn't a spell to send Syx back into space, Syx is going to stay in Manon's body and start killing people as soon as it's healthy. As far as I can tell, murdering people serves only to keep Syx alive, and does nothing for Ruyi or Manon.

Even if these points are covered in the book, if they cause the agent to balk at requesting the manuscript, you might want to cover them in the query or edit out the parts that inspire the questions.

Face-Lift 1488

Guess the Plot

Blades of Bratva

1. Two 15-year-old boys competing in the World Figure Skating competition, must balance their training regimen against the fact that each of their fathers is co-head of the Russian Mafia.

2. The Immortal Beast of Bratva has been terrorizing the country for the past year. Can Alanic find the legendary Blades of Bratva to slay the beast before his home is destroyed next?

3. Sergei's knife shop in Novosibirsk is a front for his family's protection racket and a lucrative murder-for-hire business. But when he falls for Ekaterina, a circus knife thrower, will he give it all up?

4. The swords created by Bratva, the world-renowned blacksmith, have appeared in Hollywood productions from Spartacus to Gladiator. But now there's a new blacksmith underselling Bratva, and stealing his business. This means war, mano a mano, with swords at dawn.

5. When Bratva, Russia's Gillette, nears bankruptcy, due to Russian men all having beards, the CEO switches production from razor blades to straight razors, the weapon of choice for slitting the throats of people who criticize the government. 

6. A poetry collection like Leaves of Grass, only this is about blades of grass, which makes more sense, as grass comes in blades and trees come in leaves. Includes 200 pages of illustrations, musings, and photos.

7. Russian mobsters have been fighting territorial battles in the streets of Moscow for ages, but with guns becoming harder to acquire, they've resorted to using only weapons of Roman gladiators. Finally, big guys like Grigor have an advantage again.

8. Jerome led the team of military brats in the Veterans' Association Junior Fencing League (aka Bratva) to victory in nationals, but when the international competition is caught in the path of an undead swordsmen mercenary unit can he rally the Italians and Japanese?

Original Version

Dear [Agent’s First Name, Last Name],

BLADES OF BRATVA (82,000 words) is a YA novel about generational trauma, brotherly bonds, and the world of ice skating. My book would appeal to catharsis-hungry readers of After Life by Gayle Forman, the raw introspection of You'd Be Home Now by Kathleen Glasgow, the search for identity in This Place is Still Beautiful by XiXi Tian, and, of course, those of us obsessed with the Winter Olympics. [Usually when I look for my next book to read, I'm not after catharsis, introspection, or identity. I just want entertainment . . . and, luckily for you, as much Winter Olympics as possible.] [Putting this information after the plot summary is best, especially in this case, where you have nothing else at the end of the plot summary.]

Fifteen-year-old ice skating cousins Sasha and Alexei are about to achieve their lifelong dream: winning gold in the Men’s Singles Division at the 2015 World Figure Skating Championship. [How can they both be about to achieve this lifelong dream? Only one can get the gold. The other is about to have his lifelong dream crushed. And neither can be sure of winning, so I'd just say their dream is competing in the World Championships.] [Research shows that the 2015 World Championships were held in Shanghai, and no one named Sasha or Alexei performed, which suggests to me that this is . . . fiction! Specifically, alternate history.]

Well, it’s Alexei’s dream to take home gold. Sasha’s dream is to die…and to take the ghost of his mother with him. [Is Sasha's dream to die in the competition?]

        With Sasha having spent the year following his mother’s death in the incestuous claws of Alexei’s father, who dressed Sasha in her image, Sasha wants nothing more than to cut her out of his life forever. [Her? Or him? How old was he when this started? Why isn't it Alexei's father that Sasha want to cut out of his life forever?] It’s quite the task, considering she is one of Russia’s most beloved skating icons and he is essentially smearing her name on the ice. Skating her final program, wearing the dress she died in—he’s quickly earning his place on the public’s most wanted list. [So he's been doing this at every competition leading up to the World Championships?]

       It’s not like Alexei’s life is any easier, of course. His own mother won’t look at him, and he doesn’t even know why. She should be grateful; he’s trying to bring home the gold for her, after all. He only hopes it’s enough to earn her love. [It sounds to me like Alexei's life is somewhat easier.]

Their cloying coaches/foster parents keep Sasha and Alexei out of trouble, but having family in the mafia also doesn’t hurt. Sasha and Alexei’s fathers are the respective heads of the Two-Headed Eagle, a sprawling mafia network knit across Russia’s largest cities. 

The competition will be held in two days in their hometown of St. Petersburg, so the boys know they are safe to galavant as they please. [They should be practicing their quads, not galavanting.] Alexei’s father is far away in Moscow, unable to engage in his obsession with Sasha, but something has changed in St. Petersburg.

The leaders of the Eagle have swapped cities, and Alexei’s father is back in town.

Now, the boys must struggle to keep their friendship, their careers, and their lives intact…while still performing to win. 

Notes

This is too long. It would seem shorter if there weren't so many skipped lines, which can be fixed by combining or eliminating paragraphs. There's no need to tell us Alexei's dad was away in Moscow, and now he's back. Just say he's in town. No need to tell us Sasha's dream is gold if it isn't, just tell us it's to die on the ice in front of a TV audience of millions.

Despite the title, I suspect anyone reading this will find the sudden entrance of the Russian Mafia halfway through the query somewhat jarring. Everyone expects conflict between cousins who want the same thing. No one expects the Russian mafia.

Does the mafia get involved in the skating competition? Like, does one father have the other father's kid Gilloolied? Or does the mafia threaten the judges to ensure their kids win?

Face-Lift 1487

Guess the Plot

Children of Nemia

1. They aren't really children, and don't actually belong to Nemia, but it's not worth explaining camouflaged aliens investigating Earth when a new reality show about single mothers raising families is about to hold auditions.

2. Returning home on Nemia, after reaching adulthood, Van hopes to prove himself to his father. But nothing has prepared him to face off against . . .Cosmic Horrors from Other Worlds!

3. After returning from the wardrobe, the children . . .  Wait, wrong book.

4. A mysterious plague has killed off everyone who has reached maturity. Can Branch, Missy, and Shorty find a cure before they grow up? Or is this another Children of the Corn situation?

5. Nemia’s estranged daughter, Amy, returns home for the reading of her cold-hearted mother's will. Chaos erupts when another child is named in the will: an illegitimate son named John, from before Nemia’s loveless marriage. With ownership of the family home, the asset portfolio, and the riverside farmland ripe for development at stake, Amy devises a plan to oust John. But John has no intention of being Amy’s victim. Which of the children of Nemia will be her true heir?

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Van's been honing his skills all his life in anticipation of the pilgrimage, but nothing could prepare him to face off against cosmic horrors from other worlds, and the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love, which sometimes go hand in hand. [It's not clear whether you're saying that uninvited awkwardness goes hand in hand with adolescent love, or the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love goes hand in hand with cosmic horrors from other worlds. Either way, you can fix this by putting the love part first and the horrors second. And you don't need the hand in hand part.]

Returning home from the Journey of Patronage marks the beginning of adulthood for all members of the tribe, and for years Van has dreamed of proving himself to his father the chieftain, and his oldest friend the tribe's First Ranger. As he travels the lands of his people he'll confront old mysteries with grave implications about what he was raised to believe, and in order to survive and save lives he'll need to learn who to trust and what that trust means. [That last sentence is vague. Give specific examples of this stuff.] [Wait, was that the end of the plot summary? What about the adolescent love? WHAT ABOUT THE COSMIC HORRORS FROM OTHER WORLDS?! The cosmic horrors are the most interesting part of the plot, and you drop it like an anvil from the sky.] [Oh, well, as you managed to describe your plot in three sentences, I'll assume it's a really short book, so maybe I'll take a look, just to find out about the cosmic horrors.] 

A story that introduces a world, CHILDREN OF NEMIA is a 216,000 word [WTF?!! That's two or three books. Admittedly, it's only 28% of the length of the Bible, but the Bible is 66 books. You can't expect an agent, and each of the editors they send your book to, to read 216,000 words in hopes that the cosmic horrors aren't a total letdown. How many forests would have to be chopped down to provide the paper for a few thousand copies? There's a reason the first Harry Potter book was the shortest one. You'll need to find a place near the 80,000 word mark to end this book, and make the rest of it book 2.] high fantasy adventure and will be the debut novel of my chronology and setting. [According to the internet, the "setting" is the time, place, and duration of a story, so no need to specify your "chronology."] In researching your agency's recent deals and publication catalog I felt you might be interested in the kinds of stories I'm hoping to tell.

I'm an aspiring American writer living in Bloomington, Indiana. I grew up inspired by masters of fantasy and sci-fi like Garth Nix and Philip K. Dick, [Neither of whom ever published a novel close to the length of yours, even after they were established stars.] beloved RPG titles like Final Fantasy and Mass Effect, and lifelong friendships built playing Dungeons & Dragons after school. I am and always will be in love with storytelling. 

Thanks for your time and consideration,

Notes

Is the whole book based around Van trying to prove himself to the chieftain and First Ranger? You haven't provided examples of anything Van does to prove himself. Things like battling cosmic horrors from outer space and asking his crush out on a date. Also, you'd think if First Ranger gets capitalized, so would chieftain.

You might mention the First Ranger's name, unless it's just as boring as Van.

Mostly, we want to know what happens. Surely something happens in those 216,000 words. Who doesn't want Van to succeed in whatever his goal is, and what's Van's plan to succeed anyway? What will happen if he fails?