Face-Lift 517

Guess the Plot

Monster Apartments

1. Godzilla requires a miniature replica of Tokyo in the bedroom, and the Boogeyman is only interested in closet space. Georgia Gorgon, real estate agent in the city of Scaresville, must deal with some real terrors for clients.

2. The ad said Monster Apartments. They weren't kidding. But between the vampire downstairs, the witch across the hall, and the werewolf on the top floor, how will Shannon ever get any sleep?

3. All the stadiums and lecture halls have been named for corporate sponsors, so now what? A hunky real estate developer teams up with a buxom ad sales exec to bilk corporations out of millions.

4. When Mo moves into the Monster Apartments, he has no complaints--until he meets the other tenants: Cyclops, a dragon, a werewolf, and worst of all, a Minotaur who's more bully than bull. If Mo's going to find any peace, this monster's got to go . . . and that's no bull.

5. Where, oh where, do monsters live in the post-apocalyptic town of F'nashi? Real estate tycoon George Goodwin has the best luxury condos around. Problem is, the servants that come with the rentals keep disappearing.

6. When Giselle finds a spacious one-bedroom in Manhattan for $300 per month, she can't believe her luck. But what she thought to be rent control turns out more like a roach motel: you can move in, but you can't move out.


Original Version

Dear (Agent or Editor),

The kids at school call him "Monster". Twelve-year-old Mo is the school bully -- and darn proud of it. That's before he finds himself homeless and forced to move to the only place available: a building called Monster Apartments.

At first it's all cool. Giant apartment, creepy forest scenery, nice girl across the street. Then Mo meets the tenants and the shock hits harder than a schoolyard fight: ["The shock hits harder than" should be followed by something that hits really hard. Hercules, The Hulk, Russell Crowe on steroids.] real monsters, every one. Cyclops, dragon, vampire, werewolf--and a Minotaur maniac with a taste for tormenting Mo. [The last time I lived in an apartment I had Mr. Macho Stud with his creaky bed on the other side of my bedroom, a Flamenco dancer above me, and a rock drummer below. And they had the nerve to complain about me, just because I was in my chain saw sculpting phase. I'd have welcomed a minotaur.]

Before you can spit, Mo goes from bully to bullied. The Minotaur quickly crushes everything Mo's got - his confidence, his safety, his friendship with the new girl. Like it or not, Mo's got to face that two monsters have to be stopped here: the bully in the building, and the bully inside himself. [But mainly the bully in the building.]

Monster Apartments is a coming-of-age novel in which the bully learns firsthand just how "monstrous" his bullying really is. Add a cast of unconventional, and often dysfunctional monsters, and Monster Apartments is a fun tale for middle-grade readers.

The manuscript is complete at 50,000 words. May I send you a whole or partial of Monster Apartments?

Thanks so much for your consideration, etc.


Notes

It sounds more like a funny picture book than a coming-of-age novel, but that's not a criticism. The query reads nicely.

I should think there's room to squeeze in a couple more sentences of information. Unlike younger kids, those old enough to read 50,000-word novels are old enough to wonder how a twelve-year-old kid becomes homeless and moves into an apartment building. For some reason it's easier to buy a Cyclops and vampire living in an apartment building than a solitary kid. If there's an explanation, you could throw that in at the beginning. Or you could include an example of the monsters being dysfunctional.

Face-Lift 252

Guess the Plot

From Gray Mists, Returned

1. A faerie uses a human guy to destroy the "Gray Mists," thus opening a portal that allows all the creatures of mythology to enter our world. Chaos ensues.

2. Rainforest dweller Amanda "Gray Mists" Park, thinks she's rid the world of another unbearable cooking show hostess. But two of the stamps fell off the bomb, and after failing to answer the postman's knock, Amanda opens her door to find the deadly ticking package -- returned.

3. After being lost and given up for dead in December, a team of six mountaineers descend from the misty heights of Mt. Wiqwee in February. But all is not well -- they're undead abominable snowmen, and they're freezing all the ninnies in Malibu.

4. Amanda Marsland's car breaks down in a fog. Walking for help, she finds herself in a village in AD 1240, unwillingly involved in their problems--especially those of the handsome knight of the manor. On the next foggy night she finds her way back to her car and our time. But now, the one thing she wants in life is to return to 1240.

5. When aspiring writer Logorrhea Witherspoon receives a package, she hopes for the best. Tearing open the plain brown wrapper, she finds her manuscript, with a form rejection and a request from Gray Mists Publishing to never submit again. Will she find the courage to write on?

6. For fifty years librarian Millicent Bottomweather tsk-tsked when patrons claimed they had returned books which clearly they had not. Now, one foggy day in November, hundreds of goblins emerge from the mists to return the thousands of missing books. Will Millicent succeed in collecting their late fees?


Original Version

Dear Editor,

Demitri is an ordinary guy who wakes up one night and finds his house on fire. The fire kills his wife, and is about to kill him. [Lucky for him the fire started on her side of the bed.]

All these things are the least of his problems. [Those may be the least of his problems, but I don't recommend putting them on the back burner.]

A Faerie appears and snatches him away, moments before certain death. But now, Demitri is in even greater danger as the Faerie uses him to destroy the Gray Mists, a barrier which seperates our world from another world -- one that contains all of the creatures of myth and all the magic that have long since been absent from our own world. [Maybe it's just me, but I don't see living in a world where Pegasus and Hercules and Narcissus are real as more dangerous than imminent certain death in a fire.] She uses him and then discards him, a battered man, burnt from the house fire and on the verge of death. [Why did she use him? Did she need a burnt guy?]

He doesn't die, though, and as the strain of returning magic begins to tear the world apart, it falls to Demitri to try to re-seal the portal and repair the damage. He doesn't understand why something like this should fall to him, [Nor do I. I assume you're about to explain.] but it does [But it does? That's the explanation?] and he's the only one who can stop the unfolding chaos. [How about a few examples of the unfolding chaos. Are there centaurs and minotaurs and unicorns roaming the world? Are guys trying to push huge boulders up hills? Because that would all be cool.]

FROM GRAY MISTS, RETURNED is an urban-fantasy novel, complete at 100,000 words. It's about how the world changes around us, sometimes despite our best efforts. [Sometimes, despite all our precautions, we find Medusa, Cerberus and Chimaera in our coat closet.] It's about doing the right thing, even when it's the hardest possible thing you can do. It's about change, and loss, and it's about finding your place. [In short, it's about vagueness personified.] [The eighth labor of Hercules: destroying the Vagueron, an invisible creature that did things to stuff.] It is also, I hope, just a good story.

Although this is my first novel, I have been writing short fiction for many years now. I am also an assistant editor for a science fiction magazine, Blood, Blade & Thruster.

It is both your reputation as an agent, as well as my enjoyment of the works of your clients which gave me reason to send my novel to you for consideration. [Aw, I bet you say that to everyone you query.] I would be happy to send the full manuscript at your request.

Thanks for your time!


Notes

The paragraph telling what the book's about needs specifics, or you may as well leave it out. It says nothing after the genre and word count.

For that matter, after the fire, I don't know anything that happens in the book. And the fire could be on page one. How about some facts/events/concrete examples?

Shouldn't Demitri be spelled Demetri? Then it would be like the goddess Demeter, and the numerous Demetriuses, including Demetrius and the Gladiators, in which Jay Robinson plays Caligula. Yes, the same Jay Robinson who played Lord Petri in the Star Trek episode "Elaan of Troyius," in which Kirk must teach the arrogant Dohlman about the ways of love. Actual lines from a deleted scene in that episode:

Uhura (listening to Spock play the Vulcan lyre): I'd certainly like to learn how to play that.

Spock: I'd be glad to give you the theory. The mathematics are somewhat complex. To my knowledge, no non-Vulcan has ever mastered the skill. You see, we Vulcans have natural rhythm.

Face-Lift 134

Guess the Plot

The Minotaur and the Ho

1. Sick of his stressful job guarding a labyrinth, the Minotaur applies for a position pulling a sleigh. Can the taurine recluse learn to be jolly and get the job before Theseus finds him?

2. Lost in the Labyrinth, Helen of Troy climbs to the height of passion with its inhabitant, who is, literally, hung like a bull.

3. When Santa lost his way, Rudolph saved the day. Now Santa has lost his voice. Can the Minotaur help him rejoice?

4. Ferdinand Turnbull, nerdish Minotaur, postpones his search for his father in order to pimp for all the hos in Bethlehem.

5. When a serial killer nicknamed "The Minotaur" slips up and allows a single syllable of laughter to be recorded on a victim's answering machine, will detective Dan Malone recognize the voice--and overcome his heroin addiction--in time to save the next victim?

6. A couples Scrabble contest gets tense when Lenore scores a triple-word bonus with "MINOTAUR" but her husband scores minimum points on the crucial final turn. Can their marriage survive?


Original Version

Dear Miss Snark,

I am seeking representation for a fantasy/farce set in the future.

It is the year 2036 and a rough beast slouches towards Bethlehem, PA. Ferdinand Turnbull is a Minotaur in search of his cloven roots. He's looking for his father, Abelard, who's rumored to be in with a herd of Herefords on an Amish farm.

At a bus stop in the gritty steel town he meets Maggie, a teenage ho with a heart of platinum. She and her best friend Lilith are also on a quest. They are trying to find the perfect pimp, a man who will respect them and treat them like the working professionals that they are, and balance the books at the same time. When they spot Turnbull's pocket protector and he shyly admits that his nickname in college was Ferd the Nerd, they know they have found their man-bull.

The three form a consortium. It is so successful that all the women of the night are eager to be represented by Turnbull. He holds a series of checkbook-balancing seminars. Brought together by a sense of community, the hos form a union and revolt against their former masters. The other pimps are furious at the invasion of their turf and the loss of their booty, and begin plotting to do Ferdinand in.

The socially inept Ferd is oblivious to all this. Although he's traded in his plastic pocket protector for one studded with diamonds, the mystery of his father continues to haunt him. He spends his days tooling around the countryside in his Explorer, stopping at every barn and bellowing out his name.

But the sweet taste of wealth turns to ashes in his mouth when Lilith is found gored to death. Turnbull's been framed. On trial for his life, it looks like he is headed for the Big Barbeque when Abelard appears. Armed with quiddities and quillets and a leather briefcase, Abelard gets his son off on a technicality. Freshly sprung from jail, Ferd decides to make Maggie an honest woman. His mother, a New York literary agent, flies in for the wedding and falls back in love with the bull. They all live happily ever after.

The book is done, approximately 86,000 words, and I can send you the first 3 chapters, or a synopsis. Or both. The title is either Come Again? or The Minotaur and the Ho – I can't decide which is more catchy. What do you think?

Breathlessly awaiting your reply!

Sincerely,


Notes

Please. I realize this is fiction, but even Evil Editor has his limits. Do you really expect anyone to believe a New York literary agent would fly to Bethlehem, PA, when she could hire a limo to get her there in 90 minutes? While flying would require getting to the airport at least 90 minutes before takeoff, and sitting amongst riffraff in the terminal and next to a fat guy with a cold on the plane? A plane which, considering its destination, would probably be making a few crop dusting passes along the way?

Up till then, it was fine.