Guess the Plot
Origins
1. Random people want to ascend to utopia, but to do so they'll have to do a lot of fighting and killing. And they shouldn't talk out of turn.3. This prequel novel exhaustively details how every point in the original story came about, from why Mary likes pineapple on pizza to how Bob gained the nickname "Bob" instead of "Rob".
Original Version
Dear [Sci-Fi or Fantasy Agent].
The Ascendancy is absolute… It's also in trouble.
Underneath the shining imperium, veins of deceit corrupt the purest intent in service of utopia. [The Query is impenetrable... It's also in trouble.] Powered by an imprisoned god, they [Who?] conquer across the realms [What realms?] without resistance, at least, that's what the cover says. [The cover of what?]
Valon has recently discovered that he is a Nine, prophesied to be a hero, but he isn't quite sure what kind of hero. He’s more excited by the fact that his tuition under his father, the man he seeks to emulate as a ruling demigod of war, is about to begin on the garden planet of Zyphoria, but the greenest vines can have the sharpest lessons as Valon starts to learn. Bravery isn't based on the strongest or the one who kills the meanest beast; it's in the tireless heart, and Valon has a lot to learn about himself and Ascension if he is to survive Zypohoria and the Ascendancy.
Seraphina is devout in service to her torments. The Sisters of Mercy (SOM) [No need to tell us the abbreviation for Sisters of Mercy if you're never going to mention them again.] inure the flock to abuse in preparation for Ascension. Why, then, did she just speak out of turn? What is the feeling inside her that compels her actions that are leading her to ruin? All she wants is to Ascend and serve Natura, but now that she hears her voice, she rebels in service of it. [You've used the phrases "in service of utopia," "in service to her torments," and "in service of it," whatever "it" is. Is that your favorite phrase, or is it AI's favorite phrase?] Conflicted, alone and scared for the first time ever, does she heed the voice inside or has she lost her mind like others before her?
Isolde was born a commoner but knows she's not like the rest. She can feel her god calling her, like it has her brother. In saving his life, she is thrust from obscurity into the sights of the noble Houses. Why, then, is getting what she wants suddenly an issue?
High fantasy meets epic sci-fi as magical beasts and mythical warriors contest mech behemoths and augmented demigods of war in an ongoing fight for utopia. Who will rise, and what will be the fate of the realm under the rule of the victor? History will record the winner’s take, that is, the story of the Nine.
The Nine - Book One: Origins (Complete at 145,000 words) is a character-driven epic science fantasy with an interconnected narrative. It features complex characters, political intrigue, theological dogma, large-scale conflicts, and morally ambiguous settings.
The book aims to reach adult and crossover readers in a genre mash-up. Allegorical prose offers deeper exploration throughout the series, examining themes like consequentialism and utilitarianism. The Gardens of the Moon, The Final Strife, and The Stormlight Archive inspired my writing of The Nine, and I aspire for it to sit alongside these seminal works on the bookshelf.
[Bio]
Thank you for your time in review.
Notes
Start over. Choose a main character, and tell us what they want and how they plan to get it.
Then tell us what's preventing them from succeeding, and how they plan to deal with that.
The tell us what will happen if they fail and what decision will determine if they succeed or fail.
Do it all in ten sentences that would be clear enough to be understood by someone who's never read the book, and that tell us the story with specific details. And don't ask questions. We don't know the answers.
5 comments:
Maybe it'd help to do a bit of an elevator pitch version, cutting the flowery language and trying to hone in on the core concept.
How does the writing here match the style of your novel?
Thanks for the idea and response.
The core concept of the book is the rise against oppressive power but through multiple perspectives. There is no main character, everyone's viewpoint of Utopia is relevant and ultimately unique because too often we dumb down and simplify power as one thing. The book tries to encapsulate this complexity through he lenses of those separated by birth right. We don't have a bad guy as such we have good people doing bad things and vice versa. Building this nuance into a cover letter is near impossible for me at present as everyone keeps saying pick a main character and tell me what basic hurdle they clear and what impedes it what happens if they don't. This is useless advice as it distils all life into action and obstacle. Each day of your life is not meaningless because you dint overcome some great hurdle. Its more complex than that. How do you cover letter stories like that or like A Game of Thrones that has multiple protagonists that aren't either good or bad and not every single action needs to strive for an ultimate 'one ring' like goal.
The main family is Valon's but he is only 20% of the book and far from the most impactful narrative in book one. His is a gentle journey of personal understanding and strength through sacrifice in service of others.
You've provided one fairly general paragraph about each of three characters. If you focus on one character, you can be more specific and thus more interesting. I'm confident George R.R. Martin's query for A Game of Thrones, if he had to write one, focused on Ned Stark. Each future book also has a character you could choose as its focus (Tyrion in book 2, for instance).
Maybe if you divided your book into two 73,000-word books, you'd have less trouble writing a query. You'd certainly have less trouble interesting an agent.
While each day of your life is meaningful in some way (to you, at least), most of them aren't so interesting that large numbers of people want to read about them.
Also, when everyone keeps saying the sky is blue, maybe don't keep looking for someone who'll tell you it's green.
I appreciate your structural advice, and yes, dividing the book is potentially a very sound idea, as the plot overlap between the characters driving the narrative is limited initially. I am also 100k words into book 2, so this offers opportunity to expand stories more directly interwoven while drawing from a larger pool.
I am aware that GOT was from an established author and would not have required a pitch, but much of my reference hinges on the blurb of that book, which in essence seeks to do similar things as a query letter does it not? That may be a misinterpretation on my part, and where I am confusing my requirement.
I don't believe I am looking for someone who will affirm anything fantastical to me. I am simply trying to understand if there is truly only one way to query a book. It seems paradoxical to me for an industry that espouses creativity to then demand uniformity of approach. I take it from your response that even the suggestion of variance seems fantastical, that yes, this is indeed the ironic truth?
A query letter that's creative and unique has a good chance of attracting an agent. But keep in mind that it's a business letter whose main purpose is to convince the reader that you have written a story thousands of people will want to read. In a limited amount of space, you try to show you can write with clarity, organize information, and summarize the plot of a 100,000-word novel so that the reader will at least want to read a couple chapters, where you'll wow them.
Your opening:
The Ascendancy is absolute… It's also in trouble.
Underneath the shining imperium, veins of deceit corrupt the purest intent in service of utopia. Powered by an imprisoned god, they conquer across the realms without resistance, at least, that's what the cover says.
...isn't doing it for me. I don't know what the Ascendancy is, or the imperium, or who "they" is. Now that I've read the whole query, I still don't know. I know one of your characters is excited to be going to a garden planet. Another has a lot of questions about herself. And one saved her brother from something. I want to know what happens. LIke these three people are trying to ascend to utopia, but aliens in mech behemoths want utopia for themselves, and the three (or, ultimately, the Nine, must save us all.
Maybe write the boring version of the query everyone says to write, and then build on that with your creative take.
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