Face-Lift 1450, take 2

Now, after reconsidering my earlier stance, I've made some comments, and done a bit of housekeeping.

Guess the Plot

The Plan of the Silence

1. 

2. Ssshhhhhhhhhh! We're planning here. Quiet!

3. They say two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Except the local necromancer didn't get the message, and she has been raising the dead without permission and all sorts of dirty secrets are coming to light.

4. The Silence has a plan. It can't tell anyone because, well, it is The Silence. An introduction to outside-the-box thinking for young children.

5. When Bob loses his hearing, he loses his religion. No point in attending church services if you can't hear. But then he discovers that the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls. And tenement halls. 

6. Abby arrives on her first day as a professional babysitter with a bag full of props and a plan. Breakfast, then story time, then arts and crafts, lunch and then a nap. Simple. Hours of screaming, crying and bickering later, she goes home defeated. But she is a fast learner: on her second day she has a whole new plan, and the only prop she needs is a roll of duct tape.

7. When God informs televangelist Oral Ditterbund the end of the world is nigh, Oral prepares for a live broadcast. But his plan to save humanity is thwarted when a robed man breaks into his mansion wielding a knife. Can Oral still get the word out with no tongue?

8. A sentient patch of fog with the ability to block all sound decides to drive humanity insane and take over the world by forcing people to endure…The Silence. However, modern attention spans being what they are, this takes about ten seconds and now the fog has a whole afternoon to kill.

9. Step 1: Be quiet. Step 2: 

10. Manhattan is transported to another world where animals can talk. They can, but they don't. Otherwise the title wouldn't make sense. Also, a guy named Ronald Thrump.

11. Hello darkness, my old stalker

We need to have a little talk, er...
I have seen you softly creeping
In my room. I wasn't sleeping.
You put a thought inside my brain
It still remains
Within: the plan of the silence

Original Version 

We would like to submit our satire science fiction novel, THE PLAN OF THE SILENCE, a standalone witih [Typo in sentence 1. Not a good sign.] series potential, complete at 128,000 words for your consideration. THE PLAN is Dan Brown's absurd Illuminati who live in the world of Qixin's THREE BODY PROBLEM and fight aliens with Berg’s GRM. BRAINFUCK methods, who [and] find themselves in a grim multiverse version of the DISCWORLD. [In my opinion, it's a rare reader who'll be familiar with all of those references. Also, Qixin's world plus discworld = I couldn't decide which world to say it's set in.]

(Sentence on why did we choose this specific agent).

The story follows Freya Axelsen, an Instagram business coach, who has to use her skills in productivity and positive thinking to save the world from alien invaders, the AI and the Deep State.

Freya's life spirals out of control when a private video of her goes viral. But before it jeopardizes her reputation and career, Manhattan is transported to another world. Suddenly, animals can speak, [You'd be surprised how many agents put talking animals near the top of their lists of dealbreakers.] [Also, transporting one person to the planet below failed so often on Star Trek, it's hard to buy transporting a place with a million people and a couple hundred skyscrapers anywhere.] the grid is down, and the city island is surrounded by the endless sea. Trying to escape her home, [Escape to where? Her home? Does she have transportation?] Freya is met by the Deep State agents, who treat her as Roman the Pruner, the State’s ruler. They follow their protocol and sure that Freya is Roman despite the obvious gender mismatch—and Freya ventures to steal the show. [What is entailed in stealing the show? That's too vague.]

Choosing to assume Roman’s role, Freya has an eventful night: she commands the Delta-Null order of Deep State’s assassins, harnesses the State’s AI Prophet, and fends off an attack by Gathers—looters of dead worlds, who have arrived at Manhattan to nibble. However, as the first rays of dawn appear, the Deep State uncovers Freya's deception. To survive, Freya chooses to join the Illuminati, [Your 2nd sentence says your book is Dan Brown's absurd Illuminati, but you've taken a long time to get to them.] the State’s servants. [Is the State also the Deep State? Or are they two different things?]

She meets other Illuminati: Mister K, [who calls himself that because nobody can pronounce Krzyzewski] the leader of the Deep State, and Dr. Ferdrehels, who researches the new world and its dwellers. [I can't tell if Ferdrehels is a Manhattanite researching the world he just landed in, or someone from that world researching Manhattan. Luckily, I don't care.] She learns that such Merges with other worlds constantly occur, and the Deep State exists to conceal this Truth. In her new role, Freya intends to rescue the people of Manhattan, but instead, she finds herself protecting the secrets of the State—and she has good reason to.

If the Truth about the State spills, all the Manhattan will be swiftly annihilated by the AI Prophet. Furthermore, there is strife within the Deep State itself. Most of the Illuminati have been wiped out, and the Illuminate-defector Ronald Thrump, [Seriously? The guy's equally likely to sue you for that fake name, so you may as well just use his actual one . . . Ronald McDonald.] who escaped to his Tower, is playing his own game. Freya appears to be a black swan, the only Illuminate out of the stalemate—[Whaaaaat?] so everyone has a plan for her.

When the fate of New York suddenly falls on her shoulders, Freya has nothing to wield against the collapsing world but her business coaching skills and productivity tips. [In other words, New York is doomed.] Will they be enough to defeat the ancient AI and the Gather Corporation? Or, she would [would she] be better off switching sides for Gathers, as the aliens are hardly scarier than the own State? [her own State? the Deep State?]

[Bio info]

Thank you for your time and consideration, 

Notes

After spending my usual 4 hours on my critique, and realizing I was only 2/5 of the way through the query, I told myself, Screw this, the novel probably doesn't even exist. But then I thought, It might exist, and I'm legally required to give it my best.

This is twice as long as a query should be, and shouldn't be difficult to cut it in half, as much of it is unnecessary detail. Get rid of some of the characters, there are too many Just focus on Freya. Who is she, what does she want, what's her plan, what stands in her way? And make it clear why this Instagram business coach, among the million people (police, military veterans, professional wrestlers) who have been transported with her, is the only one who can save everyone. It's gotta be a better reason than her business coaching skills and productivity tips.

Get rid of Ronald. It's not especially funny. Besides, if Freya was still Freya after Manhattan was transported, why would Donald suddenly be Ronald? That may be explained in the book, but you don't have room to explain it in the query, so don't bring it up.