The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1360 would like your opinion of the following version:
Dear Mr. Evil Editor:
Twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst has killed nearly two hundred bad guys as one of the world's deadliest assassins, a reputation she has proudly earned alone. She fears being single forever, but solitude isn't so bad, not with a loaded Springfield 1911-A1 pistol and a warm cup of tea to keep her company.
Verity's manager Enoch is her only link to the mysterious company she works for. When he tells her she'll have a male partner on the biggest assignment of her life, she wonders if her employer is doubting her abilities. All she knows is she must maintain her reputation, or die trying.
Verity's targets, three men at the head of a billion-dollar child trafficking operation with drug dealings on the side, are well-armed and impossible to find. Verity's partner Cy, who thinks he's the world's deadliest assassin, knows more than she does about everything. Doing her job with this smartass doubting her every move is going to be a lot harder than she imagined.
KILLER IN HEELS is a 71,000-word novel of suspense. I imagine Verity Hearst as Jack Reacher's ultra-feminine, sophisticated counterpart.
I live in Bellevue, WA with my Bengal cat named Byron, am addicted to all sorts of coffee, and enjoy dark rainy nights.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
13 comments:
May want to replace the words "bad guys" with the word "targets" or "marks". It comes across more professionally.
Better, and more intriguing. It sounds like the plot of the fifth Verity Hearst book, the one after we've gotten used to her working solo, but.... Take or leave the following thoughts:
P1: That she fears being single seems misplaced after that first sentence. Maybe reversing the order of the sentences would help, building toward the more striking piece of information:
Twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst fears being single forever, but solitude isn't so bad, not with a loaded Springfield 1911-A1 pistol and a warm cup of tea to keep her company. Verity has killed nearly two hundred bad guys as one of the world's elite assassins. It's a reputation she has proudly earned alone.
P2: You could work the assignment into this paragraph:
Verity's manager Enoch is her only link to the mysterious company she works for. When he tells her she'll have a male partner on the biggest assignment of her life, taking out three men at the head of a billion-dollar child trafficking operation, she wonders if her employer is doubting her abilities. All she knows is she must maintain her reputation, or die trying.
P3: With the assignment out of the way, you can focus on the relationship:
Verity's new partner Cy thinks he's the world's greatest assassin and that he knows more than she does about everything. [Possible specific example of how annoying he is.] Doing her job with this smartass doubting her every move is going to be a lot harder than she imagined.
When I think of Jack Reacher, I don't automatically think assassin. I do when I think of John Rain, but Reacher is admittedly a better-known name.
Change Byron to a Bengal tiger.
While "targets" is less vague than "bad guys," it doesn't convey that Verity is a "good" assassin, rather than a murderer for hire. "Villains" might be better. Even better would be if she specializes in one specific type of target, such as child traffickers, but since she takes her orders from Enoch, I don't guess she has much say in who she kills.
For me, the first sentence is too long.
'Bad-guys' could also be replace with 'criminals'.
The last paragraph about your cat and where you live is unnecessary fluff. An agent or editor is wondering, 'do I want to read this MS?'. A personal note distracts a bit from the story. You could include some plot detail in its place.
Much better query. Might get a read from an agent looking for a female action MC.
E.E is right. Reacher isn't necessarily an assassin. He only kills because bad guys are trying to kill him. He's more a "mystery novel" sort of character in a thriller. Might want to change who you're big-name advertiser is.
Also yeah, drop that last paragraph about yourself. Nobody is gonna want to know about you until your book is published/advertised on the flap. Your query is to advertise the story, not yourself
Approaching 30 Verity Hearst has killed over two hundred plus very bad people. A deadly assassin, remembering each face as life left, her only fear is flying solo until she is shot and dies. Solitude isn't so bad, not with a loaded Glock and bitter tea to choke down as her only companions, along with the surprised ghoulish dead faces that never leave her. She contemplates her career path as she sucks her bitter brew every waking day of her life.
Enoch is her only link to the shadow outfit she works for. When her unpleasant link tells her she'll have a male partner on the next assignment, she knows it will come down to kill or be killed.
Verity's new partner knows more than she does. About everything. Doing her job with this pro dogging her every move is going to be hard. Particularly with a bzillion US dollar child trafficking network boss to take out as her next assignment. Verity wonders what side her new sidekick is on. She hopes it is hers. Because Verity and her new partner both play for keeps.
Good luck writer. Suggest you use stronger sentences, get to the core. Not much else matters and you don't have to be so polite/sweet. Doesn't work with these hard core pros we need to submit to. Make them love your writing and hate you/your detachment is my best advice. And beg for more, 50 pages, a chapter. Make 'em hungry.
Best
Wilkins MacQueen
KILLER IN HEELS is a 71,000-word novel of suspense.
Thank you so much EE for the suggestions. I will definitely be using them!
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I really appreciate it.
Should I avoid putting a short bio in the query altogether? I thought agents wanted to see a tidbit about the author.
Maybe sixteen would be a better number than two hundred. If an assassin kills one person per month, it would take over sixteen years. If she started at age twenty-four, she would be forty.
Using two hundred for a woman in her twenties sounds a bit of hyperbole.
Real hit men and assassins don't kill all that many people. In under ten years, John Wesley Hardin claimed to have killed forty-two. But researchers put the number closer to twenty-five. John was one of America's most prolific and indiscriminate murders.
Blowing up a crowded room can kill a large number of people in a short amount of time.
@CavalierdeNuit I would go with agent guidelines. Some of them want a bio. Some of them want you to tell them if this is your first novel. Some of them want to know if you have hobbies and pets (*eyeroll*). If they ask, tell them; if not, leave it off.
Of course if you have extensive experience as an assassin, that's worth mentioning.
Mister Furkles, I believe you're right. I was figuring in body guards, but that still wouldn't be 200 or so criminals. Sixteen seems like a much more reasonable number.
I will not tell of my past experience as an assassin. I don't want government officials showing up at my door asking questions. It would be best for me to keep it in a work of "fiction".
I love it. I agree about changing "bad guys" to "criminals" and I'd also choose between Cy thinking "he's the world's deadliest assassin" and thinking "he knows more than she does about everything" (personally I like the latter, since they could just compare numbers on the former). I think you have room at the end for one more line, maybe about the point when Verity and Cy's relationship shifts.
As for cutting the bio, I think you should. Agents want bio info that specifically pertains to the book (writing experience, assassin experience, etc.) You're never going to get penalized for leaving extra info out.
Overall, I think the query's fantastic. Great voice, and a clear picture of the story.
Thank you Chelsea P.!
Post a Comment