Tuesday, November 19, 2013

New Beginning 1018


Tim’s azure eyes bore into mine. “I can see you’re holding back some anger and – what’s this? Confusion?”

He speaks softly but its authority fills the room. His voice seems to come from a deeper place than ordinary mortals’ voices might. Rich and smooth as aged whiskey, sometimes I ignore his words and let the voice transport me to a mellow place, a place as ageless as OM.

I nod, and a wave of shame flares though me. It’s no use hiding my thoughts. My aura radiates any hint of negativity that courses through me, no match for Tim’s acuity. I now strive to keep my feelings calm, even when I am not in Tim’s presence. Armed with the knowledge that thoughts have a physical manifestation and are laughingly obvious to those enlightened by Higher Knowledge, every breath is now aligned with my aim to present only a shining aura to the world.

Avoiding Tim’s gaze is impossible. Even strangers who cross his path turn around for a better look. His presence resonates with the hum of the universe. Animals sense this immediately and are attracted to him.

“Yes, my teacher. My parents have been asking...difficult questions.”

His eyes don’t change.

“The path your parents have chosen is different to the path you have chosen. They will contaminate your pure spirit with destructive energy and doubt. Focus yourself on the path you wish to travel.”

“They’re trying to stop me from freeing myself of the burdens of material wealth.”

“And do you have any to unburden this morning?”

I reach into my jeans pocket, pull out the six hundred pounds from last night, and hand it to him. There is a flicker of joy in his eyes which pleases me immensely.

He stares deeply into my eyes. “You are doing well and nearing a higher plane. Jenny is moving to the Higher Knowledge Plane and soon you will leave your corner and take her place at the Cosmo Bar. You enjoy giving pleasure?”

I hear myself say, “Yes. I enjoy giving pleasure.”

“You are a worthy disciple. Now go and rest; you’ll be busy tonight.”

I walk out feeling joy in my heart.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Mister Furkles

13 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:


Tim's nose twitched before he replaced the large, rodent inspired, mascot-head over his mellon. "OM God! Tell them to stop, that is my job," he said in the alto suprano voice of his character.

"But--" I pleaded as I rubbed my aged-whiskey colored skin.

Tim's cellphone hummed on continuous vibrate as a squirrel crawled up his ratty-furred costume. "No buts-only monies given to Whack-a-Mole or Skeeball count towards an enlightened ticket."

I hefted my twenty pound bag of quarters, and said, "I hope they understand..."

--kregger


"Fear not, young one," Tim warbles in his intoxicating voice. "I will speak to them of your sincerity and nobleness of spirit."

I smile shyly. "Oh thank you."

His gaze seems to melt clear through my bones. The corner of his mouth lifts into a sly smile. "Now, let us divest ourselves of those purity notions to which you stubbornly cling. Shall we, Gabrielle?"

--Veronica Rundell


Tim paused, his eyes probing me. I considered then added "And it's different from, not different to."

Because, as Sun Tzu said, to achieve an advance that cannot be hampered, rush to his weak points.

--Anonymous


Tim farts for a long time. The stench permeates the room. My aura will never be the same.

"That was a cheap shot!" a man says from somewhere in the ceiling.

"My best one ever," Tim whispers as his eyes glaze over.

He draws in a deep breath and falls backward into a cloud of green. I fall with him into a stinky world of azure and emerald orbs that bore through our souls from all around. We OM together as animals run away from us.

"We don't need material things in green clouds," Tim says.

I wish I'd never met him.

--CavalierdeNuit

Evil Editor said...

P2: He speaks softly but its authority fills the room. An earlier noun to which "its" refers would be helpful. As in: His voice is soft, but its authority fills the room. It seems to come from a deeper place . . .

P4: I could do without the animals being attracted to him line.

P7: Besides ""different from/to" you can delete "yourself," which we infer.


Not clear if this is supposed to appeal to those who are into the higher plane mumbo jumbo. If it isn't you might want to start elsewhere or quickly make it obvious that Tim is a fraud so you don't lose us.

Dave Fragments said...

I'd snip and trim to create a more immediate voice for the speaker. For instance

Tim’s azure eyes bore into mine. “I can see you’re holding back--confusion, anger?”

And in the second paragraph:
He voice is soft and fills the room, rich and smooth as aged whiskey. It comes from a deeper place than ordinary mortals’ voices. I let the voice transport me to a mellow place, a place as ageless as OM.

Veronica Rundell said...

Honestly, if this were on the shelf I would have put it back at "azure". I'm all for precision in writing, but calling a character's eyes azure blue takes me back to 1980's Harlequin Romance, and my literary taste has matured since fifth grade.

I agree with Dave that this needs trimming. It's ominous feel is undermined by the meandering focus. Try to trim the adjectives.

Why would a person's 'eyes change' in the midst of a discussion. And, how do eyes change? My point regarding precision stands. I believe you mean his steely gaze or his harsh stare doesn't waver, but that's not what you say...and changing eyes comes off as comical, to me. Not your intention, I'm sure.

Just some thoughts.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Author,

Interesting.

Just a grammatical point:

In this sentence--"Rich and smooth as aged whiskey, sometimes I ignore his words and let the voice transport me to a mellow place, a place as ageless as OM"--you're actually, grammatically, saying that the narrator is rich and smooth as aged whiskey.

For that sentence to mean what you intend it to mean, you need to put "his voice" immediately after the modifying phrase (rich and smooth as aged whisky).

best wishes,
enya

Down Girl said...

enya caught the good ol' dangling modifier. "While making a sandwich, my dog started to howl." Might also want to check your metaphors. Does a wave (of shame) "flare"?

The voice could use a little work. It seems to be that of a very gullible teen who has an ascetic lifestyle and a knowledge of aged whiskey.

Mister Furkles said...

Hi Author,

In the first paragraph, it isn't clear who is talking. A simple tag would help or rewrite the first sentence.

Why is the ‘M’ in OM capitalized?

If Higher Knowledge is a special term, the article ‘the’ would help to clarify and if it is common, then why capitalize it?

There may be a problem with “different to.” American readers prefer “different from” and we’re a persnickety lot. (So persnickety that we insist on an ‘s’ in “pernickety”.) Do you want that British version on page one?

Okay, the great English lexicographer H. W. Fowler said “different {from | to | than}” are all fine by him. But he was English; what did he know? (DailyWritingTips.com October 30, 2007.)

AA said...

I agree with previous comments, especially the obvious grammatical errors such as the dangling modifier. That should be cleaned up.

Things I notice:

"I now strive to keep my feelings calm, even when I am not in Tim’s presence." This doesn't belong here, since the speaker IS in Tim's presence.

"His voice seems to come from a deeper place than ordinary mortals’ voices might." Why the *might*?

I agree that a wave wouldn't flare.

"Armed with the knowledge that thoughts have a physical manifestation and are laughingly obvious to those enlightened by Higher Knowledge," Now you're just writing a treatise on the subject. Please remember this is supposed to be fiction.

"His eyes don’t change." LOL Why would they? He's got a second set?

I suggest reading. Read Harlan Coban "Hold Tight", Elmore Leonard "Get Shorty", Aleksandr
Solzhenitsyn "One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich", Arthur Conan Doyle "The Hound Of The Baskervilles", Stephen King "Misery", Just to name a few suggestions. Read even if you don't really like them. It will help your style.

CavalierdeNuit said...

If you'd rather just read one book about writing, I recommend Stephen King's ON WRITING. Omit needless words. Also, this is free: http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/style.html

If you want a lifelong career as an author, you will always be omitting needless words. Even in your head when you're looking at a menu and deciding what to order!

That paragraph you've worked so hard on? Cut it! Why? It's not moving the story along.

Read each of your sentences and analyze them. Do they make logical sense? It's easy to get swept up in the story, but you must be able to edit your own work.

Evil Editor said...

Perhaps I should have mentioned when posting this that it's the author's current NaNoWriMo work, and thus a rough draft, and that the author is not looking for long-term career advice, but putting something in the queue so the blog isn't blank all week.

Also, even Stephen King will tell you that Why You Don't Get Published is the one writing book to read.

AA said...

"the author is not looking for long-term career advice, but putting something in the queue so the blog isn't blank all week."

Still, I like to think that other writers read this blog and pick up good bits of advice from the commenters. And if that isn't true, don't tell me. I'd rather go on thinking I'm helping somebody.

Evil Editor said...

You're helping somebody. But when something comes in anonymously I worry that we could lose a potential new minion if the suggestion that they need to read On Writing is taken the wrong way, i.e. taken to mean their writing sucks when in fact it is being done under a pretty severe time constraint and with little or no editing.

CavalierdeNuit said...

Ok, the NaNo thing makes sense now. The first draft is never that great. It always needs to be edited. I think all the advice here will really help the person who submitted this.

I did notice King's reference to Why You Don't Get Published on his site.