Saturday, November 30, 2013

Evil Editor Classics

Face-Lift Excerpts, Part 2

While there’s no doubt we humans are happy to wallow in our own importance, what would happen if we were sent into the galaxy where everyone else regards us as The Lesser Species? [We're already regarded as the lesser species. By cats. And, of course, sharks.]

Ascot has an entire Platoon ready to be transformed into death-dealing cyborgs and subhuman automatons, willing and able to do his bidding. [Willing? When you place an order for a terminator, you shouldn't have to specify whether you want it to be willing or unwilling to do your bidding. "Willing" should go without saying. I'm surprised they even make unwilling ones.

Hey pal, this cyborg you sold me just sits around all day watching soaps instead of killing my enemies.

Oh, did you want the kind willing to do your bidding?]

Moongate is a 111,000-world tale [Most fantasy readers can handle two--or even three--worlds, but you've gone way overboard.]

But he's not the only one with a say in the matter. The four horsemen are also on earth. Death owns a funeral parlor, Famine runs a food bank, Pestilence works at the Center for Disease Control and War is a peace activist.

[Famine: I've prevented thousands from starving.
Pestilence: I've cured cancer.
War: I'm working for peace on Earth.
Death: Man, you guys are killing my profit margin.]

For almost two decades, I have affiliated and sojourned with mystical societies to several continents showcased in the story. These personal experiences and background provide authenticity throughout the work. [On the other hand, the fact that you've spent decades sojourning with mystical societies brands you as a borderline lunatic.]

After a series of terrifying experiences with her possessed theology teacher, Kaitlin Loeffler is expelled from St. Clement High School and sent to live with her father in a tiny Montanan town. [If I'm having terrifying experiences with a possessed theology teacher, you don't need to expel me. I'm gone.] [Now that I think about it, if I'm a high school student and I somehow landed in a theology class, I'm gone whether the teacher is possessed or not.]

What would happen if you woke up on a shore of an ocean’s beach not knowing who you are or how you got there, and you must go back to a life pretending not to be an emotional hollow shell that yearns for the ocean’s embrace. [I've got nothing against opening with a question, but this question can be worded more clearly as: Would you please read no further and just send me a rejection slip?]

But mostly, it’s a story about three kinds of love: unrequited love, fairytale love, and the kind you call the cops on [i.e. the kind where you need to borrow a set of handcuffs].

Both Renek's and Ryan's units are told to search for the legendary Swords of the Ascendancy, swords made by gods. [You know how much the army values you when the big battle's approaching and they send you on a mission to find a legendary item. Sort of like when I was in the army and we were supposed to take an enemy camp, but before we made our final charge my sergeant took me aside and said, "Much as we'd like you fighting beside us, we need you to go search for the hammer of Thor."]

Toss out the iambic pentameter, poison and dagger and throw in the daily tortures of teenage humiliation and some Weres, and BEAST OF BURDEN is a 64,000 word YA paranormal, akin to Romeo and Juliet. [Every book is akin to Romeo and Juliet if you're allowed to toss out a few things and throw in a few others. For instance, toss out the star-crossed lovers and the feuding families, and throw in a cannibalistic serial killer and a green female FBI agent, and The Silence of the Lambs is a thriller akin to Romeo and Juliet.]

As he struggles to remember, the other soul within Xavier begins emerging. He calls himself “the havoc, the fury, the Rage of a Hero,” [That's a bit unwieldy for a nickname. I know, because I used to call myself "Evil Genius, Overlord, Mister Amazing, Nobility In A Chair." Eventually I just went with the acronym.]

Often humorous with a dose of drama, 11:11 is a 70,000 word young adult novel that appeals to us girls who sat on the bleachers and imagined we were the cheerleader that the quarterback was talking to. [That cheerleader is now a botox-addicted, thrice-divorced alcoholic who cries herself to sleep every night.] [On the other hand, she's still hot hot hot.]

The Narrator is forced to escape on his own when Raven’s preserved head ends up strategically placed on the floor of his cave. [Maybe it's just me, but when I find a severed head on my floor, I never consider whether its placement is strategic.]

In another world, Beta is plagued by nightmares – nightmares of demons chasing each other through hell. He has written a program to stop his dreams, but the program isn’t working any more. [Guess he should have done more Beta testing. Ba dum ching.] [Sometimes you people make this job too easy.]

From the moment she arrives in the Baba Yaga’s treetop cabin with a talking doll as her guide, she's engulfed in a world like nothing she ever imagined.  [Baba Yaga being introduced to Lady Gaga by Lady Gaga's daughter: "Baba Yaga, Mama Gaga. Mama Gaga, Baba Yaga."]

If the sisters reveal their pasts, they may lose the men they have come to love--but if they do not, the throne of England could be lost for good. [Only my British minions can say whether they'd be willing to take down the throne of England in order to preserve a romance with someone they've known a few weeks. My guess: yes, in a heartbeat.]


Down Girl said...

These writers have nerves of steel. I feel so much safer on this side of the pen.

khazar-khum said...

Let's try the 'Romeo and Juliet' test.

"Hunger Games" ? Check.

"Hobbit"? Well, there is that thing with Fili and Kili...

SB said...

"But he's not the only one with a say in the matter. The four horsemen are also on earth. Death owns a funeral parlor, Famine runs a food bank, Pestilence works at the Center for Disease Control and War is a peace activist."

I must have missed this one. But I will say that this snippet of description alone makes me really want to read this book. I love when epic beings like this have normal human type jobs. And the fact that at least three of them appear to be contradicting themselves is even more interesting.

Jo Antareau said...

You really are an evil genius.

Evil Editor said...

The 4 Horsemen excerpt is from Face-Lift 700.

SB said...

Ah, found it, thanks. Story's theologically problematic, but since it seems to be a comedy of some kind, I think there's a lot of leeway there. Looks to me like the kind of book that could be a lot of fun or just very dumb and possibly offensive. I wonder if the author ever made any progress selling that one.

AA said...

The Romeo and Juliet is my favorite. I'm pretty sure that by removing several ingredients and adding several others I could change a banana bread to a pizza. But since they both already have recipes, what would be the point?