Sean gulped. The row of darkly clad men that was the Heroes Licensing Board looked very bored. Not a good sign.
“Sean Nelson, you have applied to receive a hero license,” a tall, rectangular man declared. “Upon review of your application, you have been denied. Any questions may be referred to me, Blakely Anderson. Thank you.”
There was a short pause while the Board dispersed, and Blakely Anderson waited for Sean to make his way over.
“Questions?” he said wearily. “Why weren’t you good enough? What can you do to fix it?”
“Well, yes,” said Sean.
“You weren’t good enough because you’re only a mediocre swordsman and you’re not charming with the Ladies, and to fix it, you can go find someone to train you as a sidekick. The problem with you kids,” he said paternally, “is that you assume you know everything and that you can learn to be a hero after you get your license. Such is not the case. You must learn to be a hero before you receive your license. Go get someone to teach you before you bother us again.”
"Screw the Heroes Licensing Board," Sean replied. "The Nefarious Villains Club
is more fun, anyway." He pulled his sabre from its sheath, watched the metal glitter under the harsh fluorescent lights, then plunged it into Blakely Anderson's gut.
"Mediocre swordsman my ass," he grumbled as he headed for the door.
Opening: Christie Roy.....Continuation: T.K. Marnell
7 comments:
Why does the row of darkly clad men that is the Heroes Licensing Board need to be in this scene? They say nothing and immediately disperse.
A simple letter/email saying Application Denied seems more likely than an appearance before the entire board.
Perhaps it would be better if Sean marched into the office of the Licensing Board to demand an explanation, rather than attending a ceremony.
Neat premise, though.
Why take all the words to set up a tribunal situation when nothing much happens? I understand what you want to do with the opening but rather than inform and interest the reader, you inform and bore the reader.
I don't mean this comment in a hurtful or nasty way.
Think about this:
Sean watched the criminals doing bad (for example) and doubt filled his mind.
"You aren’t good enough. You're too green," the Heroes Licensing Board told him before rejecting his application. The criminals were there, committing crime and he was paralyzed from acting that he wouldn't look heroic enough.
A bullet shattered the brick above his head.
Or the criminals tore the young girl's clothes off, Or the giant beast from hell appeared. Or whatever the evil is in your story manifests itself.
Then Sean has to do soemthing (win or lose). If he wins, he gets his mojo back. If he loses, he's riddled with self doubt. If he slinks away, he spends a chapter in male ennui (guilt).
I think that is how your first chapter begins. Dress it up, make it spiffy, give it life and excitement.
I'd actually be okay with the board assembling, if it was usual for aspiring Heroes to troop through there, and Sean wasn't standing there alone. For a quick fix it could start:
"Next!"
Sean gulped and stepped forward. He was the last candidate of the day, and the row of darkly clad men that was the Heroes Licensing Board looked very bored and fidgety. Not a good sign.
That would also explain Anderson's short temper...he's being held back from his dinner by some not-so-charming kid.
Unfortunately, I think the scene gets bogged down during his rant. Anderson can't decide whether he's "paternal" or an ass. If he was paternal, he would preface with something like, "You're a good kid, Sean, but..." and word his failings less cruelly. He would tell him to "Find a veteran Hero to teach you before you try again," instead of berating him for "bothering" the board. If he's an ass, he would say, "Let's see...Your sword skills suck, you've got the spine of a jellyfish, and you couldn't bed a wench if you were the last Hero in A Land Far Far Away." Personally, I think it would be more fun if he was the ass :p
too much descriptive words.
Monologue doesn't sound right.
"Sean Nelson, you have applie to receive a hero license," blah, blah
vs.
"Sean Nelson, your application for a hero's license is denied," the chairman said. "Do you have any questions?"
"Well, uh," Sean said.
"Why were you denied hero-status?"
"Well, yes."
"You weren't good enought because you're a medicore swordsman and the ladies don't find you charming .. . . "
tighten and cut
vkw
If he's no good at swords and lady-getting, maybe he chose the wrong character class. Maybe he could try shooting for Conan instead of Zorro?
Hey y'all! Thanks for the feedback so far :) I actually really like T.K. Marnell's fix - it sets it up for what I had in mind. This opening is more of a prologue, and in the next bit there is some conflict. (By the way, TKM, I almost died laughing at your continuation. Seriously)
There probably are too many descriptive words. Rachel6 and I have that same problem with adverbs, I think. Hahah. I'll take the advice Alaska Ravenclaw always does and clip, clip, clip. :)
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