Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New Beginning 796

I can’t have been asleep for more than an hour, maybe two, when my bedroom door swings open with a long, shivering groan. I ignore it—the door never latches right in winter, and our apartment is draftier than a frilly skirt on a windy day.

But then there’s a touch on my foot, the barest hint of pressure on the duvet, and I am instantly, fully, awake.

“We’ve got company, Cupcake,” a voice says from the chair beside my bed.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. Why did you let it in?”

“Last I checked, I wasn’t a doorman,” he says.

Still soundless, the thing continues its path around my bed, moving ever closer to where my head is resting on the pillow. I tuck my chin to my chest, shifting so the blankets cover most of my face, just in case. Ghosts won’t try to get physical, usually, not if my oh-so-helpful partner Zeke is around. But it never hurts to be cautious.

“Gross,” Zeke says, and even though I know better I open my eyes.

I relax. It's not a ghost after all. But Zack is still tense.

"For craps sake," he says. "You know I don't mind you writing that stuff, Honey. And I have no issue with you spending hours online every day with your research. And I never once complained when you invited him to stay here for a few days, even when the few days turned into a few months. But damn it, Cupcake, does he have to keep coming in here half naked and 'hanging out' on our bed?"

Evil Editor clears his throat, scratches himself, and tucks his balls back into his shorts.

Opening: Mary Miltner.....Continuation: Anon.


Evil Editor said...

I have no problems with this. It seems a bit odd that the narrator has been asleep hours and Zeke is sitting in a chair in her bedroom when he could be in the room outside her door, but there must be a reason for giving her no privacy.

Also, instead of "a voice says from the chair..." you might say "Zeke says from the chair," avoiding giving the impression she doesn't know whose voice that is.

Anonymous said...

I'm away from my computer and can't login. I agree with EE. I was confused with two unknown presences in the house. Saying "Zeke says from the chair," fixes that problem.

I remember the query that matches this query. This has a nice tone of voice and a comfortable voice. Good work.

vkw said...

I stumbled over "our apartment is draftier than a frilly skirt on a windy day."

I've lived in drafty houses and apartments, and in homes where the doors don't latch properly. If a door swings open it's not a draft - the window is open or the front/back door are open. (First, however, I've ruled out the people and the pets and totally disregarded the burglar because of the dogs.)

Then comes my second problem, let's assume this apartment is that drafty. I can live with that.

However, this reads like the narrator has experience with ghosts. Would not her/his first thought be . . . here comes that ghost again? Rather than we have an extremely drafty apartment?

In the same manner that I would think, "that must be Lady, (my mastiff)"


Sylvia said...

This is probably just me but I thought Zeke-the-partner was the narrator's boyfriend so I'm kinda confused as to why he's sitting at the chair beside the bed. But I would certainly read on to see what happened next.

The continuation was hysterical!