Ah, the Druggie Class…I love these twisted, stoned, turned upside down clowns. Man. This is the easiest class ever. We just groove, they grin, their stoned faces slack and loose, the tension oozes out of me just looking at them. I sit and relaaaaax… The joint I hooted before class helps me with relaaaax. They laugh, chuckle, corn hole each other as only Thai boys can and I can feel the "just clean fun" aspect running around the room reminding me of a fresh breeze from Canada. Boys will be boys.
I don’t have to whip the Stoners. I don’t have grab any ears or get in any faces and scream "Shut up! Any questions Einstein?" I don’t pinch or hit them. This is the only class I don’t beat on. No need, they are the "beat" generation of Thailand. Beat as in the beat goes on, and on, and where was I? The beat works well with the substance abuse they, I, we they enjoy. Am I making sense?
They are something, so today I freaked out when Tittiporn Wasawdeaboom (he goes by the nickname "Wasa" much to my regret). Wasa, who should be nicknamed Titti, Tits or Porn, he grabbed his junk and said to me, "President Obama, please show your respect to the delegation from Thailand."
I laughed and slid off my chair. Some burnout in a suit picked me up and whispered in my ear, "You promised you wouldn't use in office."
I rubbed his shoulder. "Relax, bro; I don't remember half the promises I make when I'm baked."
I hate it when people ruin my vibe with all that "keep your word" noise. Man, fuck healthcare or whatever.
Opening: Bibi.....Continuation: Matthew
9 comments:
The good thing about a high narrator is that if you make any errors you can just say, I meant to do that. So perhaps you meant to leave out the word "to" in p.2, s2. And perhaps you meant to put a period in p.3, s.1 before the sentence was finished.
If this is the actual beginning of the story, it might be funny to not give away that this is a teacher. It will become obvious in p.2, but p.1 could read:
Man, I love these twisted, stoned, turned-upside-down clowns. We just groove, they grin, their stoned faces slack and loose, the tension oozing out of me just looking at them. I sit and relaaaaax… The joint I just hooted helps me with relaaaax. They laugh, chuckle, corn hole each other as only Thai boys can and I feel the "just clean fun" attitude running around the room reminding me of a fresh breeze from Canada. Boys will be boys.
I'd drop the last two sentences of p.2 and add an ellipsis before "where" in the previous sentence.
P.3, s.1: (he goes by the nickname "Wasa," much to my regret--he should be nicknamed Titti, Tits or Porn) grabbed his...
Unchosen continuation:
bible, and swung it about his head. I was in awe of the depth of Titti's widsom. He'd transcended. Titti didn't speak a word. He was a thing of beauty, a rebel, an artist. He didn't care he'd relaaaaaax...ed.
I didn't have to think about it or him or anything. I just sucked his toes as he read from the Book of Job. I felt it.
Where the love and the grove of Thai boys beat, I beat on. On and on, to lips the touching the salty toes around me. In this class, the Druggie Class, I learned. I knew I'd be a preacher like Tittiporn Wasawdeaboom. Can you fully comprehend me?
--C.E. Bailey
Haven't been by here in a while. Good to be back!
Author, the voice you show here is one that I think will either be loathed or loved. There's not much room for in between. For myself, I don't care for it, and here's why: There's a disconnect between the laid back stoner aspect of the narrator and the snarky 'tude. Back in the day (which would be the 70s) my stoner friends didn't carry on a running dialog of negative commentary; they were too stoned to do more than sit back and watch tv with the stereo blasting. :)
But although I found the opening's voice really didn't work for me, there's a lot there which is interesting and which I liked. For example, the narrator's obvious dislike of and sense of superiority over his 'druggie class' makes him interesting. I definitely want to know more about this character, whom I'm already disposed to dislike even as I follow his nasty ramblings through his day.
What I would suggest is that you pick a single focus--be it snark or stoner--and make that the focus.
Also, the fact that nothing really has happened yet is generally going to cause a few catcalls from the audience. Might want to compress the scene-setting and get moving forward with the action.
Evil, believe it or not I don't do drugs - never have - maybe that's the probblem. (One of them.) Your comments are ace as always, thank you. I shall do a re-write and tidy it up. I was going for a goofy youngish male pov, stoned and grooving with the universe thing. I missed the mark with bad punctuation.
Matthew - fantastic continuation,
made me laugh and with school opening in a couple of weeks I need a good sense of humor. A parent asked me today at my part time upscale language school where I work full time. She smacked her head with her palm and begged me to get out of the gov't school.
Thanks so much for the continuation. Bibi
C. E. Baily - were you in class with me that daaaaaay? Great continuation. Thanks. I just may rip it, Bibi
maybe you'd dig the vibe more, man, if you actually tried toking on a blunt fo' yourself... dude...
Rants like this can be overdone. You have to be careful to balance the desired craziness with the aims of the writing.
I think the frantic, snarky and even cynical nature of the narrator is OK as long as you can keep him or her from going completely off the deep end. They can't "jump the shark" or "jump the sofa" as I think the kids would understand today.
I didn't care for the comparison to the Beat Generation because I remember Beatniks as something other than stoners in the marijuana sense. Alan Ginsberg and Ferlinghetti were Beat poets. Of course, Timothy Leary started out in the Beat generation too but I don't see the creativity the Beats displayed in the stoners.
I thought of Beat poetry first, too.
Should you have the same number of "a"s in each "relax?"
I admit it. I was in that class.
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