Guess the Plot
1. When the serpent decides that what he really wants to do is direct, he entrusts a lowly rodent with the role of tempting Eve.
2. Ricky has had it. The snake gets all the press, but who do you think did all the work?
3. What, you thought we didn't show up until the plague? Wrong, my friend--we've been around since Eden. A chronicle of our fecal deposits to prove it.
4. At last, the inside story of the Fall of Man, by the guy who bet the serpent five bucks he couldn't pull it off.
5. Rat is working as a guide in the best city in the world, but he has problems. For starters, there's his name. Rat. It's hard to get work as a city guide when your name is Rat. People are afraid you'll guide them to back alleys and dump sites. Also, homicidal magicians.
6. After Adam and Eve screw up, God replaces them with a more self-reliant pair. As Eden is overrun by rodent-spawn, God realizes He's just been conned . . . by Satan.
7. Eden will fail biology if she doesn't come up with a killer science fair project. Her pet rat suggests himself: a talking rat. But now that she's heard him talk, can she resist the temptation to sell him to the circus?
Esteemed Evil Editor,
I submit for your ridicule the following query:
His homeland invaded and enslaved by Antang fanatics, Maac-Kail isn't too picky where he looks for allies. [It would be more entertaining if his homeland were invaded and enslaved by Tang fanatics. I'm not sure why Tang fanatics would need slaves unless it's to stir their Tang, but any book that posits Tang fanatics is a work of comedic genius.] His best hope is the magicians of Selzburg, [That sounds too much like the musicians of Salzburg, the most famous of whom was Mozart (whose fan club was known as the Wolfgang Fanatics).] the strongest remaining free city. His problem? They murdered his brother. His other problem? He is a back-country hick of a hedge-magician who can't walk the streets of Selzburg without his mouth hanging open as he peers up at the tops of the buildings. [His other other problem? The ability to make a hedge disappear isn't all that useful.] He hires a street boy named Rat to guide him around the city and keep him out of trouble as he tries to figure out how to approach the magicians. [If my task is to figure out how to approach someone, I'm gonna sit on a park bench and think about it for ten minutes, not hire a city guide.]
Robielle, Antang prince and ambassador, is looking for a useful bride. Princess Margaret of Selzburg is the willing target. If he can slip her out of the city and marry her, the people of Selzburg will break into factions and the city be more easily conquered. His scheme rests on Margaret being a bit dim. Everything goes as planned at first, but the magicians are on his trail, and Margaret may be learning she doesn't need a handsome prince after all. [We're still in Selzburg, but suddenly we have a different cast of characters. I expected this paragraph to be about Maac-Kail and Rat approaching the magicians. It's usually best to focus on the main character.]
Rat, an orphan teen growing up on the streets of Selzburg doesn't have much but problems. [We already know he's a street boy. And "doesn't have much but problems" is awkward and vague. Move on.] He finds a handkerchief, clue to the location of the eloped princess. Now the magicians are after him and Maac-Kail is his only hope to escape them alive. [They're going to kill him just because he found her handkerchief? How do they even know he found her handkerchief? Are they using magic to monitor what this orphan teen does when they could be using it to locate the princess?] Can Rat trust a foreign magician any more than the local ones, or is Maac-Kail using him to further his own schemes?
EDEN'S RAT is a YA fantasy of 83,000 words.
Thanks so much for your time and attention.
What kind of powers does a magician have in this world? They're after Robielle and then they're after Rat. Can't they use magic to immediately find them, instead of having to trail them?
The query sounds like three short stories all set in the same world. Tie it all together. I assumed the plot was Maac-Kail consulting the magicians about saving his homeland from the invaders. If he never gets around to saving his homeland, you don't need the first paragraph; just say something like: Driven from his homeland by Antang invaders, Maac-Kail flees to Selzburg . . . If he does get back home, you don't need much of the second and third paragraphs; just say Maac-Kail recruits the Selzburg magicians and get to the part where they drive out the invading Antang fanatics. Focus on the main character(s)/main plot line.
Maybe you should call the invaders extremists instead of fanatics. Antang fanatics sounds like fans of a rock group.