Friday, March 05, 2010
Guess the Plot
1. Jaques Bleu is the award winning three star Michelin chef of L'Arrogant restaurant. He has created mouthwatering dishes even the sternest of critics can't get enough of. Most known for his desserts and Christmas sugar creations he has yet to master... Divinity.
2. When Isis’s family moves to Cairo, Illinois, she just knows there is something strange about the popular kids at her new high school. When mysterious Osiris invites her to the prom, she decides to look past his green skin and amusingly long goatee. But what will she say when he asks her to rule the underworld with him?
3. When Divinity, the Kentucky Derby hopeful belonging to Hollywood bigwig Saul Cohen, is found eating the remains of his jockey Ramon Peralta, Homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the horse didn't shoot the jock, and he's never going to give that animal a carrot.
4. Twelve-year-old twin boys are tasked with stealing the power of a goddess. One of them decides to torture her and the other decides to have sex with her. Will one of them succeed, thus becoming heir to the throne?
5. Making sweets is never easy, especially now that sugar is outlawed. In a world overrun by diabetics, Stan Truffle is one of the last candy bootleggers alive--though his most recent order for a large shipment of Divinity may change that.
6. Atheist Harold Parks enrolled in divinity school because "there's easy money in religion." But he gets the shock of his life when he shows up for his Introduction to Spirituality class and discovers it's being taught by God.
Dear Evil Editor,
Princes Veylan and Starfa had long awaited their twelfth birthday, when they were finally entrusted with the secret behind their kingdom’s prosperity and their father’s power: the goddess Caera, who they have worshipped all their lives, is a human girl, and a prisoner of the royal family of Forsyia, and it is her power that their ancestors have wielded [Is this sentence ever going to end? I've read novellas that were shorter.] for Forsyia’s benefit, controlling the weather, the wealth, and even the . [Amazing. It didn't end. Apparently you realized you were trapped in a literary time warp and that the only way out was to abandon the sentence.] [I'm guessing the sentence is supposed to end: . . . controlling the weather, the wealth, and even the weasels.] [Actually, that's not half bad. We have Tarzan, who controls elephants, and Aquaman, who controls fish, why not a weasel-controlling superhero? We'll call her Weasel. It's got to be an improvement over the actual story.] [Seriously, there'd be fewer unsolved crimes if the cops had trained weasels.] The princes were also given a task. They had six years to learn the secrets of extracting her power though [through] sex and torture, [Didn't you say they were twelve years old? And they're supposed to use sex and torture?] and whichever of them acquires magic from her first will become the official heir to the throne [as well as the unofficial target of the other one].
A week before their scheduled trials with the goddess, Veylan liberates and runs away with her, hoping to convince the goddess to share her magic with him, but is thwarted by her hatred of his family. In the meantime, Starfa is commanded to take charge of the search for the fugitives. Life gets even more complicated when a servant poisons the king, and without Caerassa’s magic to keep things in order, Forsyia is thrown into chaos. [Is Caerassa the same character who was Caera in the preceding paragraph?] Rain starts pouring down, [Do we need to know it's raining?] the plants are showing signs of disease, and panic fills the air. Starfa must find a way to stop the slow death of the kingdom [If you want us to accept that the kingdom is dying, you need better evidence than a rainstorm and some wilting plants. It's raining here and my plants all died long ago, but I'm not panicking over the state of the union.] until he can capture the pair, and steal Caerassa’s magic to put everything right again.
My fantasy novel, DIVINITY, is complete at 90,000 words. I have included the prologue and first two chapters here for your perusal. My flash fiction has been published in Thaumatrope, an online Twitter magazine. [Twitter magazine? Meaning your published fiction was about twenty words long? This isn't a selling point when you're pushing a 90,000-word book.] [The first sentence of this query is long enough to be four Twitter submissions.]
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Forsyia needs a better name, one that's pronounceable.
Why is it that someone with magical powers can't escape on her own? And once Veylan gets her out of town, why doesn't she just kill him with a bolt of lightning or turn him into a toad?
I don't get the six years part. If one prince figures out how to steal the goddess's power in two years, he has to wait for the trials that are scheduled four years later, by which time the other prince may have also figured it out? Your trial with the goddess should be arranged the moment you think you have the answer.
Is this book intended for adults?
It's not clear how sex and torture come in.
If the goddess is actually a human girl, does she have powers or not?
This needs clarity. I have too many questions. Answer some of them or remove whatever is inspiring them. I'd focus on the princes and how each of them plans to get the goddess's power and how the "contest" affects their relationship. The chaos in the kingdom can be left out.