Leita ran down the narrow alley, trying not to breathe too deeply. The fog tasted bitter, its acid-laden touch burning lips and lungs despite the skin salves, the filter. If only it weren't such an old filter, with recycled packs... If only they had proper materials to work with in the labs... She thought of Dellas and their argument before the trade squad had moved out from the Den. He'd been so sure that this techware was worth the obvious risks, wouldn't listen to her foresee, wouldn't let her read the route because of the risk, singe his eyes!
"You can't do it, Leita," he'd said, all big brotherly even though they were twins and she the older. He'd put his beefy hand on her shoulder, where it had lain, null-convincing as a fresh slab of the auger he worked with in his lab.
"This could very well be sky-eyed, rigged by the Sharks,” she’d insisted yet again.
Her brother hadn't listened. “Gerri talked to the Team and the Council, and we agreed we need the tech offered more than we can afford to avoid the risk. We've got to get the biosynta up again."
He'd stubborn-talked and she'd gave way. Maybe it was truthful -- the only way to get the message over town.
They'd needed tools and silicone gel; it took a whole clock cycle, but they'd got the biosynta back up. And it wasn't so uncomfortable, as long as she didn't breathe too deeply when she ran.
Opening: writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: ril
20 comments:
Unchosen continuation:
"Leita!"
She stopped. Gerri stepped from behind the dumpster. She looked all sky-eyed, herself, her dress ratty and torn, her boots splattered with fake blood.
Dellas stared at her, his layblaster in hand. "What's the matter?"
"You're late."
"Huh?"
"We were supposed to meet up at the Dealer's Room, remember? And go to Geff's room for a Den meeting before the costume contest?"
Leita groaned. How could she be so stupid? They missed the meeting! Now they'd never elect her Den mother!
--Khazar-khum
p2: If "where it had lain" refers to his beefy hand, I'd delete it.
p4: "we need the tech offered more than we can afford to avoid the risk."
is awkward. Is "We need the tech" enough? "We need the tech whatever the risk"? Actually, that point was made in the last sentence of p.1, so maybe it should be "...we agreed we need to get the biosynta up again."
A lot of As you know, Bob in here.
I'm bothered by the way this moves almost immediately from a perilous moment (running through a toxic environment) to a jargon-filled backstory conversation.
I suspect something very interesting is going on, but the way this opening is constructed slows down the momentum. Is there any way to keep the action going while weaving in the backstory less obtrusively? If not, perhaps this isn't the right place to start.
JMHO.
I agree with bunnygirl (for some reason that name makes me wonder if you've got staple-marks across your midsection). The opening is intriguing, right up to the dreaded ellipses. Then we get dropped into backstory of sibling grumbling that's far less interesting than tendrils of acidic mist creeping into breathing masks.
Personally, I don't mind the language play too much. Then again, I was one of those who actually liked the made up words in Clockwork a great deal.
Chucking at EE's "As you know, Bob." I think the best spec fic accomplishes explication of its world by providing enough details so that we can infer what's going on...which far more active and interesting than simply being told what and why.
I'd read on.
There is so much loaded into this opening.
They live in a world where they have to wear masks.
She left the "den" - apparently homes are called dens.
They argued before the Trade Squad. What's a TS?
An "auger" is either the Auger Effect in chemical analysis or a drill bit that makes holes in wood.
"Sky-eyed, rigged by sharks. (i can't even guess.)
Biosynta - is what?
She's a fraternal twin with sibling rivalry issues because her brother is MINUTES older than her. I, i repeat, I have issues with this canard and cliche but I won't inflict them on you.
This reminds me of why high school kids hate Anthony Burgess for A Clockwork Orange - they have to learn a new language.
This might be the right place to open the story but its so involved in the details it's not going to hook the reader. It is action - great start. She's running down an alley, why is she running? What peril is she in?
By the way, that's the way malfunctioning gas masks work. I had training in gas masks and had to live through the "beard" argument several times.
I like the description of the feel and taste of the fog. You started off great, putting the reader in the moment with Leita. But then...
Just as I'm starting to wrap my mind around the need for filters and skin salves, trying to figure out what planet this narrow alley is on and what created the acid fog, I'm thrown back to a lab whose purpose I don't know. Then I'm left to sort out what a trade squad is and whether Leita is part of it or running from it. Whether the Den is the same as the labs. Why "singe his eyes" is tacked onto the end of a sentence (did he? Or was that the risk he took?). Then there's the fact that an auger is a tool, and I'm having a hard time imagining a beefy hand being like a slab of it.
I think you've got an exciting scene here, but you're trying too hard to use it to give us information, instead of sticking with the information we need to understand the scene.
I like that you bring her brother in because her relationship with him makes her more interesting and adds to the stakes. Plenty of time later to tell us about the Den and the Team and the Council and the Sharks...when you have time to fully explain them in context instead of just flinging them at us as we run by.
I've been looking at this beginning for years and couldn't figure out where to go with it. You guys have helped a lot. Thanks for the comments! (This is another submission tossed in the ring when the queries ran dry. You all will be glad to know that I literally have nothing laying around to submit at this point.)
Dave: auger was supposed to be agar. Didn't catch that. (I do know the difference!)
writtenwyrdd
Harry Potter invented Augur to mean a type of wizard. Other authors have use "augur" as a shortened augury and a name.
I could make an argument that "agar" is a word you want to avoid unless you are Preston and writing a sequel to "The Hot Zone." But that's only my opinion.
A slab of agar-agar looks and feels like dried out jello. Touch it, and the germs fro myour hands will grow into fuzzy colonies of mold, fungus, mildew, e-coli, typhoid, swine flu, bubonic plague. Stuff like that.
I consider it a slapstick comedy item that one character would jiggle at another character. But that's organic chemistry humor for you. And a date oriented commentary.
Dave: Harry Potter invented Augur to mean a type of wizard???
Augurs were priests, in days going back to ancient Rome and Etruria, who interpreted the will of the gods by examining the flight of birds.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augur
Maybe we need a new writing rule: "Keep back stoy off the first page" :)
Written, you're making me feel guilty for not sending any starts in this last request.
(An augur is a Roman priest who interpreted omens from the gods or such, I know it feels like HP has been around forever but...)
The continuation was brilliant. Nice job, RIL!
I agree with the previous comments regarding the backstory. Past perfect tense puts distance between the reader and the story and, while it has its place, it's probably not good strategy to put it in the second paragraph. Keep the reader close to the story until they've suspended their disbelief. Or something like that. Otherwise, you've got some exciting elements and a little restructuring will improve the flow. Good luck widdit.
But surely Harry Potter existed before the Romans...
(Sorry, my mistake)
I'm OK with the filters and the Den, but I agree that the backstory element doesn't work.
It's not that backstory doesn't belong at the start of a novel or chapter - some reflection is more important than action (especially if your life is flashing before you), but at the moment, my take on it is that you have to keep conversation to a minimum.
Action decribed in the past tense sort of works - it's getting past tense convo to work that's the problem.
So - I'm fine with this until you tell us what everyone had said. I think that's it.
No problem with dial-a-submission - I've done it myself.
We don't hear much about them, because being an augur is boring.
"being an augur is boring"
Maybe not if they were high on something like the Oracles might have been?
writtenwyrdd
Writtenwyrdd, I hope you're only PRETENDING to have missed the pun!
I got in here, wander thru the comments and finally remembered why I clicked: Excellent continuation!! . . . ?
ME
I got the pun, tal, but still had to take it literally, too. I'm like that.
WW, you have restored my faith in your intellectual superiority.
A slab of agar-agar looks and feels like dried out jello
Dave, I found your character in a book I'm reading. You're "Jack" in Salem Falls. (nice guy. Jeopardy fiend)
WW, I don't have much to add to what everyone else said. I was a bit confused after reading it a couple of times. Too much nuance, for me.
Good luck.
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