Guess the Plot
Keeping King Tut
1. Alicia Hummer, thrice divorced and bored witless, has had it with men and Texas. All she needs is a bankroll to break free and escape Dullsville, but her get-rich-quick scheme to knock over the Museum of Antiquities comes unraveled when she discovers her booty's got booty. Mummy for money makes for a bad trade when the Mummy's curse is . . . love.
2. Scandal! Meret, housekeeper to the pharaohs, dishes on Egypt's most famous boy king. Did we say boy king? Make that playboy king! Sneak a peek into the lives of the royals, including late-night parties and wacky religious rites. But the most delicious gossip of all involves Tut and a certain half-sister of his . . . Housekeeping has never been so dirty!
3. Josiah Keeper has a problem. He's suddenly found himself in ancient Egypt, and Tutankhamen wants him dead. What's worse is Tut's stepmother, Nefertiti, wants both of them dead. Forced into hiding, can Josiah and Tut work out their differences and see to it that Tut takes his rightful place on the throne?
4. Literary Fiction author Bromeliad Fauntleroy has written the definitive novel of male ennui during the teen angst years. However, to do so, she had to invoke the ghost of King Tut. Now she's stuck with a dusty, moldy zombie with delusions of Godhood and immortality. Can she send Tut back or will the next Empire be governed by the boy-king . . . and his blushing new bride?
5. Managing the tour of King Tut's sarcophogas was supposed to be Cora's big break. Instead it's turning out to be a nightmare. Caught between Egytpian officials demanding the mummy's return and the American officials who won't let it fly without a passport, Cora desperately asks Tut what he wants. Much to her shock, he answers! He wants her. Now, while trying to keep their blooming love under wraps, Cora must decide whether to give Tut up, or keep him for herself.
6. Archaeology student Chas Tommet accidentally raises Tutankhamen from the dead. Their instant friendship is endangered when Tut, sharing Chas's apartment, begins demanding to live in the style to which he was accustomed in his previous life. Chas soon realizes that his meager museum stipend is not up to the monumental task of keeping King Tut. But how do you kill someone who's been dead for centuries?
Original Version
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word historical fantasy, Keeping King Tut is a transitional middle grade novel that seamlessly integrates modern children, a touch of the fantastic, and ancient history.
Josiah has a lot on his plate. [A lot of ribs and fries, or a lot of liver and lima beans?] He has to live with his know-it-all cousin Darah, his uncle’s idea of homeschooling is mountains of homework, and the new kid is arrogant, a bully, and just might want Josiah dead. [Liver and lima beans.] [What is the new kid the new kid in? Town? The 4H club? The neighborhood?] The really bad news? That kid is none other that Tutankhamen, the future king of Egypt— [I think we need to discuss your bad news ranking system.
Under your system, we have:
Bad news: The new kid is an arrogant bully who wants you dead.
Really bad news: The new kid is Tutankhamen.
I suspect most kids would have a completely different order.] Ancient Egypt, which is where Josiah and Darah have somehow found themselves. [So did Tut appear in modern times first, or did they meet when Josiah went back in time?]
Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. [To our list of characters whose names sound better when spelled backwards (Hannah, Elle, Bob and Morchcrom) we can now add Tut.] Pursued by a mysterious and deadly High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Together, they must track down an ancient order, discover a powerful book, and face an unimaginable foe [They must do these things? Or what?] when Josiah realizes that the High Priest is his own long-gone father. [When your missing father turns up in ancient Egypt, long-gone is an understatement.]
Keeping King Tut is a thrilling combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to figure out both.
I recently sold a novelette, “Tangle,” that will be published by Leading Edge in May 2008. I graduated in 2004 with a BA in English from Brigham Young University and attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. If you are interested, I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
A couple words I'd remove: "seamlessly" and "thrilling." If it's thrilling and you've described it well, we already know it's thrilling. The agent will notice how seamlessly you've integrated your story elements without your pointing it out. Agents are notorious for not trusting authors' opinions of their own work.
I assume there's a good reason Josiah doesn't realize the high priest who's pursuing him is his father for so long, but later realizes it is.
How do they get to Egypt? Is that question answered in the book? Does Tut bring them? Does the father? That they somehow find themselves there sounds bad. You want the agent to know there's an explanation.
A bit more clarity about how Tut and Josiah meet and about the stakes, and I'd be happy with this.
Did you name it Keeping King Tut because the kid's name is Keeper? Or vice versa?
46 comments:
Happy dance! Finally! And I didn't even crush your faith in humanity. That happened years ago, right?
Thank you so much. I will rewrite immediately.
Josiah's name being Keeper and how they end up in ancient Egypt are tied together. I'll try to clarify. I'm so excited to have some direction.
Also, had to laugh that two of the GTPs are mine, too.
Also, question. In the about me section, should I leave out the BA and writer's conference?
My kid keeps scamming me for M&Ms because he realizes I'm distracted.
Okay, I made all of the changes. I also reversed the spelling of Tut's name, and I agree, it works better.
Edited version:
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word historical fantasy, Keeping King Tut is a transitional middle grade novel that puts together modern children, a touch of the fantastic, and ancient history.
Josiah has a lot to deal with. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, he has to live with his know-it-all cousin Darah, and the kid they just met is arrogant, a bully, and just might want Josiah dead. The really bad news? That kid is none other that Tutankhamen, the future king of Egypt—Ancient Egypt, which is where Josiah and Darah have somehow found themselves. A millennia-old family legacy ties their fates to Egypt, and until they can figure out why they are there, they can’t get back.
Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by a mysterious and deadly High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Together, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers, discover a powerful book, and face an unimaginable foe when Josiah realizes that the High Priest is his own long-gone father.
Keeping King Tut is a combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to figure out both.
I recently sold a novelette, “Tangle,” that will be published by Leading Edge in May 2008. I graduated in 2004 with a BA in English from Brigham Young University and attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kiersten
Have you dropped the homeschooling from the book, or just from the query? I think it should go, because how would he encounter a bully if he doesn't go to school?
Also, we need to get more of the backstory. If Tut has just been thrown through time to our world, wouldn't he be too baffled and busy trying to adjust to have time to bully anyone? It might work if both are reincarnations or get overshadowed by ancient spirits or some such.
It's unclear how old Darah is--his age, a teenager, old enough to be his guardian?
I'm also bugged by making Nefertiti the villain, as there's nothing in anything I know of Egyptology to justify this. On the other hand, his half-sister and Great Royal Wife supposedly tried to betray Tut to the Hittites.
And if it's going to be a fantasy set in ancient Egypt, you really ought to have a talking sacred cat...
You're braver than me. I touched the edge of the speculation around Tut for an essay I wrote last year and decided it's too much of a mess to even consider setting a story in :)
I like the new version, so I'm being picky here:
"somehow" makes it sound like you don't know how they got there. I hope you do.
" and until they can figure out why they are there, they can’t get back." I don't supposed you're seen Life On Mars? That's one of those really overdone expressions.
I'm assuming the next paragraph is the central conflict/what's at stake bit, so this last sentence just slows down the appearance of that.
You might need to link the High Priest to Nefertiti, assuming there is a link. As it is now, you throw her in there and then she's forgotten (which might be how she was treated historically but not good in your query :)
Okay, p.1: I'd go with pulls or brings together rather than puts together.
And make touch of the fantastic the third item on your list.
p.3: The high priest is "deadly"? What does that mean?
Be specific about the book. They don't set out to discover any powerful book, right? What book?
and face an unimaginable foe when Josiah realizes . . . They're facing the foe before he realizes, right? something like ...and take on the high priest, who, impossibly, proves to be Josiah's long-gone father. seems more like it.
We don't need your BA. The conference is okay; not a deal-maker, but something relevant, considering your audience.
You might consider switching A 41,600 word historical fantasy, Keeping King Tut is a transitional middle grade novel that... to
A 41,600 word middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut is a historical fantasy that
Talpianna--funny, because the original idea for the story had a talking sacred cat as their guide. Then I decided to go more history than mythology, and set it with Tut.
And yeah, the history is really interesting. I've done the research, and there's a lot of speculation that Nefertiti was pharaoh for a few months between Akhenaten (Tut's dad) and Tut. She had no real claim to the throne, thus, usurper.
Clearly I didn't make it obvious enough that Josiah and Darah went back to Tut's time, not vice versa. I'll try to remedy that.
You guys are awesome. Here's the latest version.
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word transitional middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut is a historical fantasy that brings together modern children, ancient history, and a touch of the fantastic.
Josiah has a lot to deal with. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, he has to live with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah, and the kid they just met is arrogant, a bully, and just might want Josiah dead. The really bad news? That kid is none other that Tutankhamen, the future king of Egypt—Ancient Egypt, which is where Josiah and Darah have found themselves transported, thanks to a millennia-old family calling.
Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Together, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers, protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt, and take on the High Priest, who, impossibly, proves to be Josiah’s long-lost father.
Keeping King Tut is a combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to figure out both.
My novelette, “Tangle,” will be published in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge. I also attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kiersten
It's obvious that they went back, but when you say the new kid is a bully it sounds like Tut came forward to get them. If they meet Tut in Egypt, Tut isn't the new kid; they are.
The problem is that your list of things he has to deal with starts with two in present time which makes us assume the third item, Tut, is also present time.
Maybe you should come up with a third present-time annoyance for the list, and follow the list with the idea that those problems pale in comparison to the fact that he's just been transported 3000 years into the past.
Is he trying to "figure out" magic and history. Maybe "survive"? "Deal with" might be best, but you'd have to change the other "deal with," possibly back to a lot on his plate.
We have two "however"s in two sentences, and "things" is never good. How's this for the last two sentences of the first plot paragraph:
However, those problems seem trivial when he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time, where they meet up with an arrogant twerp of a bully. A bully who happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, and who goes by the name Tutankhamen.
Okay, here it is:
Josiah has a lot on his plate. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, his mom just died, and he has to move to Egypt with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah. However, those problems seem trivial when he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time, where they meet up with an arrogant twerp of a bully. A bully who happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, and who goes by the name of Tutankhamen.
Complicating matters, Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Desperate to restore Tut’s crown and get home, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers, protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt, and take on the High Priest, who, impossibly, proves to be Josiah’s long-lost father.
Keeping King Tut is a combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to deal with both.
So...do we like it? More importantly, would you want to read the book?
Also, I'm feeling like I should send you cookies or something. But then I remember the whole anonymity thing, and I'm off the hook ; ) How about I keep submitting GTPs? For the rest of my life, because that's how far in your debt I'm feeling.
I'd read it. Now, if you can just wait until I get rich and start my own publishing company...
I like it, but let other minions chime in too. Of course, it's Friday night, so it may be tomorrow. I note that the last two versions were missing the intro paragraph.
Yeah, usually I don't get to comment on things until everyone else has had their say and there's nothing worthwhile left to add.
Here is the full version.
I hope Robin isn't jealous that you spent your Friday night with me. Once again, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this; you are amazing.
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word transitional middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut is a historical fantasy that brings together modern children, ancient history, and a touch of the fantastic.
Josiah has a lot on his plate. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, his mom just died, and he has to move to Egypt with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah. However, those problems seem trivial when he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time, where they meet up with an arrogant twerp of a bully. A bully who happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, and who goes by the name of Tutankhamen.
Complicating matters, Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Desperate to restore Tut’s crown and get home, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers, protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt, and take on the High Priest, who, impossibly, proves to be Josiah’s long-lost father.
Keeping King Tut is a combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to deal with both.
My novelette, “Tangle,” will be published in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge. I also attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference in June of 2007. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kiersten
Please hurry, Xenith. I can't wait forever...
Kiersten, it sounds great!
I think your query is quite good, although, I do agree with that momentary feeling of confusion in the second paragraph. It's like, wait, they are in Ancient Egypt? When did that happen?
I see that you made an edit for that, but I like the structure of the first drafts. What if you just rearranged a few things. Like this:
Josiah has a lot to deal with. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, his mom just died, and he has to move to Egypt with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah. Then, Josiah meets the kid next door; an arrogant bully, who just might want him dead.
The really bad news? Thanks to a millennia-old family calling, he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time. And that bully happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, who goes by the name of Tutankhamen.
Anyway, just me fiddling around with it. I actually think you have a great query here. Way to go.
I should point out that one reason I'm not happy with your story is that my version of the history of that era comes from Lynda S. Robinson's mysteries featuring Lord Meren, Eyes and Ears of Pharaoh to King Tut. In this series he discovers that Nefertiti was murdered and spends several books trying to figure out who was responsible.
What's this about Desperate to restore Tut's crown? Has Tut ever had the crown? I thought he was the heir. Did Nefertiti take the crown from Tut?
Is that confusing, or are you just genuinely interested?
Tut is the heir; he's the only son of Akhenaten. After poisoning Akhenaten, Nefertiti declares herself Pharaoh and Tut goes into hiding. So, Tut should be Pharaoh, but isn't because of Nefertiti.
And sorry, Talpiana, in my version of history Nefertiti's a murderer ; )
I added "Desperate to restore Tut's crown and get home" because you wanted to know what the stakes were.
Hi Kiersten:
"Transitional" throws me since it could be transitional either way. Some transitional books are just beefy picture books at the lower-end of MG, while I think this query reads like the book is more upper middle grade.
The ages of the kids would be good to include. I think your version is almost there; it just needs to be tightened a bit to build -- and keep -- the tension.
I like your "(mostly) ordinary boy" phrase, but the rest of that sentence repeats your first paragraph, so it really should go. Oh, I guess it has. I was working off your second version, but you've revised and revised since. (Revising immediately isn't always the wisest move. Sometimes you need to digest what's being said rather than rushing to change a word or two.) (And remember, you want the final product to reflect YOUR voice and tone -- including vocabulary choice.)
Here's my suggestion for tweaking:
Josiah Keeper's interest in Egyptology is about to come in handy when ancient history, [Anubian] magic and modern children meet in KEEPING KING TUT, a 42,000-word upper-MG fantasy.
With an absent dad he's never met, a [13-year-old] know-it-all cousin he's had to live with since his mom [died], and the homework piling up, [12-year-old] Josiah only thinks he has it rough. But when a millenia-old curse yanks him and Cousin Darah back in time to Ancient Egypt, he discovers what trouble really is. First he has a falling out with an arrogant young bully -- none other than Tutankhamen, the future pharoah of Egypt. But that's before he finds out Tut has big, big problems of his own.
Tut's stepmom, Nerfertiti, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone -- including the true heir -- who tries to take it from her. The mysterious and murderous High Priest she sends after Tut [catches all three children up in a magical hunt.] To stay ahead of him and survive, the children must band together to track down the ancient order of Keepers and protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt. And in the end, they must take on the High Priest who has unexpected ties to Josiah that are as close as blood.
I'm a BYU Writing for Young Readers conference graduate and my novelette,"Tangle," appears in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge.
Thank you for your time and cosideration. I look forward to sending you my manuscript.
And thanks, Renee, but I think the way we have it now is the clearest. It's hard because I've been through so many versions of this; something always has to go.
Darah's actually a major character, and really funny, but I just don't have room to go into it. So hopefully my query is good enough to elicit a request, which will then show the agent/editor how fabulous my characters and story are so it won't matter whether or not they made the query cut.
Oh, I'm loving the "unexpected ties to Josiah that are as close as blood." Hints at the big reveal without giving it away.
And curses, why can't you people give bad advice so I can just dismiss it and move on??
Phoenix, a lot of those changes are really good. I'll re-examine; some of them don't actually flow with the plot, but I like a lot of the wording, especially the way you tweaked the bio paragraph.
You're right, I should probably take out the last summary paragraph and combine it with the first.
Nefertiti as Smenkhkare?
You know, you should delete every fourth word to cut down the word count.
Xenith, as good as that advice is, it isn't. And I'm still under 300.
Yeah, it's a legitimate theory. She was co-Pharaoh with Akhenaten, so a lot of historians think she was Smenkaure (everyone spells it different). Of course, that period's very shady because Akhenaten declared a new state religion, so after he was dead (and Tut was dead, and Ay, Tut's successor was dead) they tore up everything about them.
Okay, we ready for the next version? EE is going to rue the day I found his blog.
I especially want opinions on whether the last summary paragraph is too repetitive. I like it, but I'm an English major--thesis, support, restate thesis. I can't stop.
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word upper middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut is a historical fantasy that brings together modern children, ancient history, and a touch of the fantastic.
Eleven-year-old Josiah has a lot on his plate. His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born, his mom just died, and he has to move to Egypt with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah. However, those problems seem trivial when he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time, where they meet up with an arrogant twerp of a bully. A bully who happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, and who goes by the name of Tutankhamen.
Complicating matters, Nefertiti, Tut’s stepmother, has seized the throne and is ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Desperate to restore Tut’s crown and get home, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers in order to protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt. In the end, this means facing the High Priest, who has unexpected ties to Josiah that are as close as blood.
Keeping King Tut is a combination of magic, history, and a (mostly) ordinary boy trying to deal with both.
I’m a BYU Writing for Young Readers Conference graduate, and my novelette, “Tangle,” appears in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kiersten
Also, does EE ever sleep? Ah...I can see the cheesy tagline now...
Evil never sleeps...
(You didn't really think that was good advice, did you?)
(Do you really have to ask?)
"Agents are notorious for not trusting authors' opinions of their own work."
Ah! At last I know my true calling. (or I've just been exposed to too many writers who think their first-ever novel is ready for publication and just needs a copy-edit)
As for the latest posted version of the query:
a) I'd like the kid's age right up front, to help anchor him in my mind and tell me asap what the target age-group is.
"Ten-year old Josiah..."
b) This phrase is a bit awkward: His dad’s been gone since before Josiah was born,
How about "His dad's been absentee all his life,"
c) "a historical fantasy that brings together modern children, ancient history, and a touch of the fantastic"
The phrase 'brings together' is working against you by sapping the necessary flavour of adventure; perhaps your novel 'tests modern children against an imperious boy-pharoah' and his ancient rivals'?
I quite liked the next few paragraphs, and would check out the pages based on them. Sounds fun.
The credits section: I'd leave off the part about the conference unless i) it was a juried workshop and you got in on merit, and/or ii) you met that agent there and are reminding them. Any wannabee can throw out money to attend conferences, with no benefit to their writing ability.
(I have known some people...)
I'm having trouble following the various reincarnations of your query; pausing to comment on one only to find that a newer version has risen from the sand.
So I shan't say any more on that other than 'it gets better with each new version'.
What's worth applauding is your enthusiasm and workrate. This ought to serve you well in the future.
Also — kids will love this.
You MUST have a cat in this.
The talking cat guide (can you imagine what an awful guide a cat would be?) is saved for if I ever decide to revisit Ancient Egypt and focus on the mythology (which I love). Thanks, WO ; )
And thanks Jeb--I like the absentee phrasing better.
I must say that you've chosen an era of complicated genealogies. Egyptologists are still arguing ove whether Tut was Akhneton's son or half-brother; and Nefertiti may have been Ay's daughter.
You can't tell the players without a scorecard! Where's a talking cat when we really need one?
Unlike poor WO I scanned all the way down and noticed the rapidly changing letters and thus didn't read the original at all. I like your latest version; it reads well to me. Having said that, Jeb's suggestions seem quite reasonable. I've got one personal quibble - not sure about the phrase "arrogant twerp of a bully". Those words didn't quite seem to go together. Might just be me, though.
Kiersten
That's the great thing about discrepancies in researched evidence — you can exploit the gaps.
I've been a little hesitant to jump in for a few reasons. I'm extremely picky about historical anything. I have five years of research tucked away on a historical that may never see the light of day, but if it does I want the details right.
I'm especially nervous about historicals for children, who might not realize the difference between history and fiction.
That being said, the reincarnations of the query are steadily improving.
Eleven-year-old Josiah has a lot on his plate.~
I still think this could be phrased better.
where they meet up with an arrogant twerp of a bully.~
Twerp usually refers to something small and insignificant.
Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Desperate to restore Tut’s crown and get~
I don't think Tut would have been left alone to go adventuring with two strangers. He is the hope for restoring the state religion.
I know this is a children's historical fantasy, but that has been nagging at me from the beginning. I think I'm the only one that bothers though, so take it with a grain of salt.
I wish there were more Egyptian novels.
I especially want opinions on whether the last summary paragraph is too repetitive. I like it, but I'm an English major--thesis, support, restate thesis. I can't stop.
Book learning is all well and good, but you have to trust your readers -- especially the professional ones! -- to get it first go in such a short piece. If they don't, the fault is typically with the writer, not the reader.
I might have given you a slide on that final summary 'graph, but because of the unnecessary rep in your first paragraph, I would, as a reader, wonder how much real story is in that 42,000 words if you feel you have to spell everything out.
Josiah Keeper has always been interested in Egyptology; soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally. A 41,600 word upper middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut is a historical fantasy that brings together modern children, ancient history, and a touch of the fantastic.
Let's dissect:
Two sentences, three uses of "history"
Two sentences, three uses of a derivative of "the fantastic"
In the second sentence you define why it's a historical fantasy by basically saying it has history and fantasy in it. Bad logic loop.
And then you whap me over the head with it again in the summary.
Now, I didn't address the redundancy in this paragraph in my first comments because I took the redundancy out in my rewrite. That's why carefully reading the comments for their intent and not just word choice is sometimes illuminating.
You're here to get ideas for making a good query great. One that not only hooks a reader but keeps them hooked and gives them no loopholes for rejection. And one that remains faithful to the voice and intent of your book. Distilling down and filtering comments and suggestions takes careful thought, preferably at a time when there's no kid vs M&M distractions or sleep deprivation going on :o)
Just something to consider. My opinion only, of course. And this may be taking it down to a granular level of critical-thinking you feel it doesn't need to go. But with an MA in English and 20 years under my belt editing for logic and clarity, and writing out redundancy, I sometimes can't help myself either. :o)
It may contradict the actual facts, but the line "soon he’ll find that history is magic—literally" would sound better following: Josiah Keeper has never been interested in history.
Josiah Keeper has never been interested in history; but he's about to discover that history can be magical--literally.
I agree Phoenix, there are some redundancies that need to be addressed. I'll work on that this morning and get back.
I used twerp because Tut's only nine. I'll look at it, though.
And Julie, thanks for your very valid concerns ; ) I don't have space to go into it, but the kids are with adults for most of the book. I didn't think, "The kids spend six months helping a shrewd storekeeper, Horemheb, stock and organize his shop while Tut's uncle searches for the Keepers," sounds great in a query. A synopsis, if requested, would address this and other story concerns.
And that's a good line change, EE. Darah's the history buff, so it works.
Yay for Saturdays! Hubby is home to entertain the kids.
Okay, latest version, taking into account the redundancy that Phoenix pointed out. Have I mentioned yet today how much I love EE and this network of amazing writers?
Dear Agent,
Josiah Keeper has never been very interested in the past, but he’s about to discover that history can be magic—literally. A 41,600 word upper middle grade novel, Keeping King Tut brings together modern children, ancient Egypt, and a touch of the fantastic.
Eleven-year-old Josiah has a lot on his plate. His dad’s been absentee all his life, his mom just died, and he has to move to Egypt with his uncle and know-it-all cousin Darah. However, those problems seem trivial when he and Darah are thrown 3,000 years back in time, where they meet up with an arrogant snob of a bully. A bully who happens to be the son of the Pharaoh, and who goes by the name of Tutankhamen.
Things get even worse when Nefertiti seizes the throne, ready to kill anyone who gets in her way—especially the true heir. Pursued by her mysterious and murderous High Priest, the three children are forced into hiding together, where Josiah is surprised to find that Tut isn’t quite as cold and imperious as he seemed. Desperate to restore Tut’s crown and get home, they must track down the ancient order of Keepers to help protect a book with the power to destroy all of Egypt. In the end, they must confront the High Priest, who has unexpected ties to Josiah that are as close as blood.
I attended the BYU Writing for Young Readers conference, and my novelette, “Tangle,” appears in the May 2008 issue of Leading Edge. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript of Keeping King Tut. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kiersten
Great! I get here after all is said and done. Last query looks very good.
My Egyptian history comes from Michelle Moran's book, "Nefertiti" so your description of the interconnections sounds pretty good to me. Of course, MM doesn't have an evil Nefertiti, but a very politically astute and conniving one. Certainly, she's capable of murder, though.
Good job on the query hints to everybody who suggested changes. Now, I don't need to do anything.
A thousand thanks for everyone's help. Feel free to make more suggestions if you like, but I'm feeling pretty good about what we've come up with.
(Changed the must - must repeat in the last description paragraph, in case you wanted to know)
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