Swingers blazed with excitement.
A speccy Goth had accidentally set fire to his girlfriend's hair extensions trying to light a fag one-handed while groping her tits and snogging her. Rory watched as hearse-loads of would-be grim reapers sloshed their G&Ts over the bubbling tresses dripping onto the faux bloodstained leather carapace seemingly nailed to the howling girl’s midriff. As knockabout spectacles went, it was up there with two blind fat men slipping on the same banana skin, but what tickled him most was the irony of it all: the Goths were the only people in the entire club whose bodies weren’t either rotting, creeping about a limb at a time or being sucked clean of blood by marauding vampire bats.
He took another swig on his lager, sniggers crackling along his nasal tract like a packet of chocolate biscuits imploding inside a python. The undead didn't bother him any more ― and now, in the gibbering heat of the spotlights, they were sprouting fungi to the music.
Carrot-topped Jai Alai players bounced out of grubby VW Buses and began to whack musical ping-pong balls into the crowd; the balls glittered pastel-like as they bounced and sang a buzz-saw rock from golden-oldies days - like a dozen Hendrix squelching riffs from the dead. A pair of fire-breathing, dragon-like, ice-sculptures melted contentedly near the food.
A geeky grunge addict wrangled Pop Tarts over a gas-fired grill. The honeybuns would eat healthy tonight what with meat from the vampires, fungus from the undead and grease from the local rat-infested Taco Bell. But Rory wouldn't be joining them. He had an appointment with an R & Q flakweiser, and he still had to pick up the colonics.
Opening: WO.....Continuation: Dave F.
18 comments:
I like this, but I don't know how long I would like it, as it requires more concentration than I care to muster for an extended time. If it were a short story I'd love it. And there'll be those who aren't as lazy as EE.
I agree. Reading over this one before you posted it, my reaction was, "Huh?" Too much energy for a tired brain to put together. Also, the first line confused me. I'm guessing "Swingers" is the name of the club? But at first I couldn't tell if it was the name of the club, referring to actual swingers, or the name of the main character. Of course, maybe it's just the fact that fungi sprouting to the beat of music is just a visual image I never, ever wanted in my head...
Also, I'd think most people are probably lazier than you, EE, just judging by the amount of content you put on here daily.
So, is the girlfriend incapable of doing anything but howl? Is she quadriplegic?
I rather liked the voice of this, but it's pretty impenetrable. It's a chapter opening, though, so I can't comment on whether this is only confusing because I've missed the beginning. Nevertheless, there's a lot of clever observations that made the voice amusing.
I'm with EE, though: I don't know how far I'd have gone with this because it really does take a lot of effort to decipher,and even then I'm not sure I'm right. (Are we in a paranormal fantasy, at a Goth club, or what?)
writtenwyrdd
I guess I'm in the "prefers effortless reading" group as I had to work to keep the sense of things. BTW, good you saved this for later on: creeping about a limb at a time. . ." because although I do have a special place for "Thing" I usually draw the line at disembodied limbs. The pacing was brisk but that (as EE mentioned) can get tiring after a while.
ME
Oh! Excellent continuation, Dave! :)
ME
I guess I'm not lazy (my mother would be so proud). The opening grabbed my attention made me want more. Good job, author.
Dave- cool continuation!
Whirl,
I'm on the fence. I like so much of what you write, and wrote here, but because I have to work to find the continuity of the sentences (and I feel quite stupid about that, by the way) - I'm on the fence.
I'm thinking a reorganization of paragrahs might help me, actually.
A simple one, a one sentence change, like this:
"Swingers blazed with excitement.
A speccy Goth had accidentally set fire to his girlfriend's hair extensions trying to light a fag one-handed while groping her tits and snogging her. Rory watched as hearse-loads of would-be grim reapers sloshed their G&Ts over the bubbling tresses dripping onto the faux bloodstained leather carapace seemingly nailed to the howling girl’s midriff.
As knockabout spectacles went, it was up there with two blind fat men slipping on the same banana skin, but what tickled him most was the irony of it all: the Goths were the only people in the entire club whose bodies weren’t either rotting, creeping about a limb at a time or being sucked clean of blood by marauding vampire bats...
(and finish is the same).
This way- I can catch the picture you've painted more clearly.
And now that I've read it again, it's growing on me - I'm guessing because I now 'see' what's going on, from the reread.
So- is it a short story or a novel?
Oh - just saw WW's comment- it's a chapter opening. Have other chapter openings been posted on this one?
I like a couple of these images. But then some of them I thought were wrong, wrong, wrong.
Winner: Accidentally set fire... while groping and snogging with a cigarette.
Loser: bubbling tresses dripping onto leather carapace...
I don't care you drugged out and weirded out you are. You don't let people burn to death.
Winner: two blind fat men slipping on the same banana skin
Loser: two blind fat men slipping on the same banana skin.
What does that image have to do with a RAVE?
Winner: creeping about a limb at a time or being sucked clean of blood by marauding vampire bats
I like it, but it says: Not only aren't we in Kansas, Toto... We're out near the orbit of Saturn with thoughts of orbiting Uranus.
How do chocolate biscuits imploding inside a python sound? I've never, ever been that close to a python. Nor do I ever intend to be that close without wearing a diaper and track shoes. Sorry, it's a screaming phobia thing.
How do spotlights "gibber"? ? ? ? ? ? that is, talk fast through fear and shock?
MY STRANGE PHILOSOPHY OF CHAPTER OPENINGS:
I am of two minds. On one hand, I feel that any chapter opening should be like the opening of the book - inviting readers to read on. Enthralling readers in the next part of the story. Setting the scene for great action, passionate romance, or preparing us for malevolent deeds.
On the other hand, chapter openings should be continuations and tidy recaps of the story that pull the reader into a new time frame and thus advancing the story. For instance, having just read about lovers breaking up, the next chapter occurs days later as one gal is telling her BFF just how wrong HE was, what a rotten lover he was, and how inadequate he is.
This opening is neither of those things. It seems to be a puzzle. The main character (is his name Rory?) watching a RAVE. I presume since it is a middle chapter, that we know all that Brit jargon (language). FOr instance, I'm guessing that a SPECCY goth is bespectacled young man dressed in black... And a FAG is a cigarette and not my partner on his knees before me (sorry TMI, TMI, TMI...) Snogging is (we get it!).
And a "knockabout spectacle" is not the rather indestructible pair of eyeglasses I wear over my nearly blind orbs, but a thrown together at the last minute party trying to be extravagant... I don't do goth so what ever passes for elegant in goth is a mystery to me.
Even the opening line - "Swingers blazed with excitement" is a puzzle. I've seen women watching male strippers blaze with excitement, kids watching the circus, (me, myself and I watching certain operas) and all that jazz. HOWEVER, swingers immediately calls to mind, not dancers, but sex. (sorry, I have a dirty mind). pairs and triples of naked men and women having sex.
It's a bit too much all at once. It's tight and very exciting but the reader is almost hopelessly lost in the situation. Give the reader direction. Make the main character the eyes of the reader. (that sounds so pompous to me right now. please don't interpret it that way.)
I am so lost by this opening, maybe because Goth just isn't my thing and I only know about it from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Anyway, I am so lost that I just don;t know what to say about it. These would be words without meaning. Useless words.
I surely don't want you to add a simple sentence saying we're at a rave. Hell no. That's a waste of words. BAck off the Brit-speak? Well, not if this is an inner chapter because the reader will know what all those words mean.
My best advice is to tighten this up until the main character's POV comes across and we see the point of what he is seeing without all the colorful fluffiness. Then go back in and add the color back in word by word. You know where this scene is leading. You know the outcome of the chapter. Lead the reader to that first and then go back and add the color. Make every word do work, and make every image serve a distinct purpose. Start with the skeleton and then add back. Don't be afraid of adding back lots of words as long as the images and meanings advance the story.
I'm trying to write the last chapter of one of my stories and this is what I am doing - writing the bones and adding the flesh, literally word by word.
And one last thing. Thanks EE. I like the change.
I agree in general with everyone else, but there was some great wordplay here. I particularly liked "like a packet of chocolate biscuits imploding inside a python."
I can't say I'd read past the first few paragraphs of this one. Too much going on without a lot of direction. I see that the author's trying to re-create the feel of a rave or club, but it's all over the place. I'd have to agree with just about everyone else. Too complicated to spend my time deciphering.
Clever, brilliant images, but would read better with shorter sentences, so that visuals aren't lost in the pile-up.
Really liked "creeping about a limb at a time."
Thanks for the comments.
In answer to Robin, yes, this is a chapter opening from my WIP.I specifically asked EE to flag up this fact as the reason why Rory's POV about a night club full of zombies pans out in this way relates to his predicament and (hopefully) is not such an (undirected) mystery in the context of what precedes it. Gosh. Now I really have hung myself.
That said, I realise this snippet (and others au WIP) is dense and OTT and kind of guessed it might be perceived as an overload, but in my defence, I can only say that not every paragraph is like this and I'm currently working my way through everything, taking the hatchet to the sections that are.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I have no desire to hack away producing something unreadable, but at the same time, many of my characters are isolated and vulnerable and the plot hinges on the shitty decisions they make as fate spins their circumstances out of control with cruel ferocity. Thus, there are many 'ogres burst from your fireplace' moments and I do want the reader to be party to my characters' sense of confusion. The danger is that my taste for onslaught makes this task harder to achieve, particularly if my unveiling of the confusion is, of itself, confused.
But — this is all such spectacularly useful feedback and I will reappraise things accordingly. Note to self: purchase bigger chair 'n' whip combo and destroy all monsters that still won't roll over.
Dave:
Your point about chapter openings is well taken. Most of mine are of the summary variety — a couple of paras, then on into the business. Structurally, this one dates from a time when I began with less of a skeleton (gyrating bones notwithstanding) and my current process is more akin to what you outline so clearly. Works better.
FYI, the squealing girl is spared by 23 pints of beer c/o a rugby team.
Loved the continuation — it's not that far off in places.
Robin:
Is your reorganisation a simple para split or am I missing something? It does work better but it's the same 120 words.
Regarding sister snippets, my recent death scene was lifted from the middle of a chapter and the Cardiff Tesco dialogue grrllz is a de-tagged read-alike, if that helps.
WW:
I've been casting around for a genre and maybe 'paranormal fantasy' is it — illusions and delusions walk the earth with the power of mortal flesh.
WO:
It's the hard, hard edit of single words, word rhythms and patterns, sentence length and breaks between images. It's when to put a break and when to pile on the image. It's does this begin and end with the proper punch. And that's hard work.
You see, this almost works. It's very close. That's why the comments are as they are.
I will tell you one thing that might help. When I wrote the continuation, I tried to make the continuation as "wild and crazy" as the original. I ended it at Taco Bell. I thought the "rat" images would be enough. EE added the last two sentences and those provided the punchline and the complete tie-up back to the original.
Great imagery. Wonderfully off the charts stuff here. But it is a hard read. I love the voice!
FYI, the squealing girl is spared by 23 pints of beer c/o a rugby team.
If they are recycling the beer, please don't tell me.
Hey WO-
Yeah- just a simple split - so I get the images more clearly and can place them in a way that they help me organize the scene in my mind's eye as I'm reading.
Because your imagery and description are off-the-charts evocative and good- but sometimes I feel overloaded.
Don't stop working on your WIP, Whirl. I liked what you said about the cast of characters and their long list of bad decisions - it sounds like a good read- it just needs maybe a paring down, sometimes, of the mighty and powerful imagery you provide. (I say that like it's no problem, but I know that's hard work.)
Post a Comment