Face-Lift 1496

Guess the Plot

Tainted

1. Ember has telekinetic magic abilities, which are considered tainted by some in her kingdom. She is sentenced to be executed, but escapes and goes to war against her homeland, which is probably grounds for

the future king to break off their engagement.

2. The land is tainted, because the king is tainted. Can Melano figure out the cure, or is the kingdom doomed to crumble? And what if the cure is . . . murder!

3. Suppose for a moment humans are biologically compatible with every alien species in existence (though they aren't compatible with each other). Yeah, Miglish is a hybrid human with genetics from several alien races that despise each other, and him. He's determined to bring peace to the galaxy, even if he has to enlist every hitman sent after him to do it.

4. When the White House doctor gives the president blood pressure meds laced with LSD, the president turns the running of the country over to an unelected buffoon who somehow manages to dismantle the government and loot the treasury in five weeks, then skips town.

5. No one knows how the village water supply became tainted with poison, but fortunately, Roderick's spring is bubbling with clean H2O. He's also charging 50 pounds a liter, so he may not be long for this world.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT],

I would like to offer TAINTED, a fantasy romance complete at 99,000 words, for your consideration.

TAINTED is a standalone with series potential and my debut novel. It combines the rivals-to-lovers romance of Olivia Rose Darling’s Fear the Flames, with the character-driven arc of Charissa Weaks’ The Witch Collector, while challenging readers’ perception of the true heroes as seen in Carissa Broadbent’s The Serpent and the Wings of Night. [If you replace the Darling book with one by Clarissa Wild, your comp title authors would be Clarissa, Charissa, and Carissa. How could any agent resist that?] [If I'm to adequately critique your query, I must stop here and read your three comp titles. Just kidding. I used to do that, but now I just ask Chat GPT to tell me each story in three sentences. Takes less than a minute total.]

Betrothed to the Crown Prince since birth, 25-year-old Ember has always known her destiny: [is destined] to live in the [forever in his] shadow of the man she is bound to marry.

[But] During the Allocation, a sacred ceremony where Offerings are assigned to their elemental House, Ember’s world is turned upside down. Instead of joining her family in House Fire, her magic is declared tainted…evil. Once destined to be Queen, Ember is deemed a threat to the kingdom and finds her gilded cage replaced by cold, unforgiving bars of iron as she awaits execution. [Why didn't she use her tainted magic to turn the people trying to imprison her into marble statues?]

Rescued by a group of strangers, Ember flees everything she has ever known. That is, until she discovers a familiar face among her rescuers - a man she thought dead, the tainted heir to House Water and her former rival. [Was he also scheduled for execution?] [I was never happy with paper covers rock as one of the possible results in rock paper scissors. Covering isn't the same as cutting or breaking. In fact, I contend that rock would puncture paper. I propose a new game, Fire, Water, Plumber, in which Water extinguishes Fire, Fire burns Plumber, Plumber shuts off Water.]

With nowhere else to go, she is thrust into the heart of a rebellion determined to overthrow the kingdom she once called home. [It seems more likely they were taking her hostage rather than rescuing her, if they're rebelling against her kingdom. Has she shown sympathy to their cause up until then?]

Ember's telekinetic magic is highly sought-after, providing the opportunity to shape her own future. But freedom comes at a cost. [Why didn't she use her telekinetic magic to bring the key to her prison cell to her from the hook on the wall near the guard's desk?] To fight for the rebellion's cause will require her to make a difficult choice - can she fight in a war against her family? [She needed a bunch of strangers to bust her out of prison because her family was willing to watch her be executed. I think she can go to war against them.] 

As she wrestles with her decision [No need to ever wrestle with a decision when you can just use fire, water, plumber.] and masters her magic, Ember’s feelings for her former rival grow. She advances quickly through the rebellion’s ranks until a dangerous mission sends her back to the heart of the kingdom that betrayed her.

When the mission goes awry, Ember is dragged back to the dungeons she once escaped. Facing execution yet again, she learns the rebellion is outmatched and the lives of those she loves rest on her shoulders. If Ember is to save them, she will need to break free of her cage once and for all. [Ah, this is where she acquires the key through magic. Sorry if I spoiled the ending.] 

I hold a BA in Journalism and have spent nearly a decade working as a Journalist or in Communications. When I’m not writing, I’m escaping into romance and fantasy novels.

Thank you for your time. 

Notes

What kind of king lets his kingdom's future queen be sentenced to death? Any king worth his salt would have had those who sentenced her tortured and killed. Who gets to decide whether someone's magic is tainted? Is there some kind of test, like these elders tell Ember to move a chair across the room with telekinesis, and she does, and they accuse her of being the devil?

Why weren't Ember and the Crown Prince married eight or ten years ago? She's 25. That's ancient for someone betrothed at birth.

This is too long for a query letter. You can save 20 words by dropping the third comp title. And put that paragraph after the plot summary. If you drop the last two plot paragraphs, you end with her dilemma, and it's only nine sentences, which is about right. This leaves out the part where Ember's feelings for her rival grow, but when you compare your book to a rivals-to-lovers romance, we'll get it.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1494 would like feedback on the following version of the query

Dear {Agent},

Four deaths quietly bob in the wake of a noble vigilante – overlooked because homicides just don’t happen in Camden, New Hampshire.

 

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be, but he wasn’t thought to be the suicidal type.  Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – which is ironic, because he was a firefighter.  Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can figure out the source of what seemed to have poisoned her.  Odd that the mysterious man who appeared at The Lounge one summer afternoon and flirted from the barstool next to her is never seen in the place again.  And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident. [I like this better than giving each death a paragraph, but because there is substantial variation in suicide "types" and I don't think it's at all odd that someone goes into a specific bar once and never returns, I think the following abridged version would be fine, as all you're trying to say is the 4 bobbing deaths are seemingly unrelated.]

Jimmy Leary, a young man who abused drugs and women, is found dead from an apparent suicide, the Smith & Wesson .357 still wedged where his tonsils used to be. Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – ironic, because he was a firefighter. Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can determine the source of what poisoned her. And Matt Brown is killed in a motorcycle accident.]

 

Meet John Pierce:  husband, father, police detective.  When he stumbles on information years later that flags [connects all] four deaths as [possible] homicides perpetrated by a most unlikely culprit, John wishes he could leave things buried. [He wishes he could leave things buried because: it'll mean a ton of paperwork? The culprit is his best friend or a fellow cop? He has already determined that all four victims deserved to die? Probably not the latter, as he hasn't unraveled the scheme yet.] But his oath was to uphold and enforce the law.  He picks at the thread and unravels a scheme intended to settle the [a?] score and give closure to an innocent girl.  While stopping the vigilante may save the life of the vigilante’s one remaining target – the evil man who initiated the attack against the innocent girl – it will also come at a searing cost. [If the searing cost is something besides that the villain will still be alive, and the vigilante will be punished, what is it?]

 

CLOSURE, a 96,000-word reality-based whodunit, might appeal to fans of Joseph Wambaugh and John Grisham, and to viewers of The Wire and Southland. [Those TV shows don't focus specifically on getting revenge for the innocent by taking out their tormentors. The Equalizer (as your cop) and Dexter (as your vigilante, sort of) do.] [From Google AI: A popular novel where a cop hunts a vigilante is "Vigilante" by Stephen J. Cannell, which follows a detective who is tasked with finding a vigilante who is targeting criminals. ]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Notes

Shortening the first paragraph gives you room to elaborate on the crime or the scheme or who the unlikely culprit is.

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Feedback Request

Shukari is back, and looking for feedback.

When Shukari’s parents are cursed with mysterious conditions that precede certain death, she demands justice. [Demands it from . . . the court? Law enforcement? Maybe just say she wants justice.] If she can find the culprit, she might wring from them a cure. So, she joins a force dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic. They’ll support her goals, if she helps others in return, including protecting eco-cities from crooked mages and violent creatures. [So they're dedicated to addressing all abuses of magic . . . except those committed against people unwilling or unable to take on mages and monsters. Nice.]  Deal. But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience wears thin.  

After too long, she learns where to get key info for her mission. [Her personal mission or the eco-city protecting mission?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus won’t stop her. Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not [Tantalus isn't] talking, and only after failing to catch him does she find the same magic behind the curse [that cursed her parents] is vital to completing new superweapons that have the black market salivating. 

  

Fighting arms dealers and traitors alike, Shukari soon secures the prototype needed to base [model?] the weapons on. The sensible thing would be to destroy it. Instead, she plans [offers?] a trade Tantalus can’t resist: give her a [the?] cure and he gets it [the prototype] back. Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But outsmarting a master dealmaker will be tougher than any rampaging monster, and Shukari is putting more than just her parents’ lives on the line. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Notes

I think this clears up a lot of issues. But Shukari's apparent ability to protect eco-cities from mages and violent creatures, and to outsmart a master dealmaker (which is even tougher), isn't explained. She

seems to be Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Witch rolled into one, but no mention is made that she has any super or magical powers. 

Face-Lift 1495

Guess the Plot

Madeleine and the Attaché

1. Tired of being the last girl in two lines, Madeline slips away during an excursion to the airport, grabs some unattended luggage, and boards a plane to the Bahamas. Unfortunately, the attaché case was a blind drop for a spy ring who are willing to kill to retrieve information that may start WWIII.

2. Madeleine is in a panic. She picked up the wrong attaché, since this one belongs to an actual Attaché. But the worst of it is if she doesn't get hers back, she will get fired. Now if only these stalkers will leave her alone.

3. Madeleine is in desperate need of a husband, but she's being picky. Then she meets an attractive attaché and falls for him. There's just one problem: he's a Hungarian with a bad temper. Actually, I guess that's two problems.

4. Madeleine is America's United Nations ambassador. The Russian ambassador's attaché tells Madeleine he wants to defect. But can she trust hi m, or is it a ruse to get into Madeleine's inner circle? Or her pants?

5. When Madeleine agreed to get her neighbor's mail while he was out of town, she wasn't expecting that to include a mysterious attaché with question marks all over it. Unable to resist taking a peek inside, she now finds herself on the run from both her neighbor and the CIA.

Original Version

Dear [Agent's Name],

Paris, 1861. Madeleine’s sudden misfortune makes it imperative that she marry this season. With the help of [her sister/friend/matchmaker] Bianca, she navigates a world of rakes, soldiers, foreign diplomats, and even an imposing banker, each with their own agenda. None are [is] quite so maddening as Daniel, a Hungarian attaché with a penchant for adventure, a disdain for bureaucracy, and an inconvenient diplomatic mission. ["Maddening" could mean beguiling/seductive or exasperating/infuriating, or one of each (infuriatingly seductive; beguiling, yet exasperating). Now I have to wonder whether she's gonna settle for him in desperation and be unhappy forever, or he's gonna win her heart, only to dump her after a year, leaving her wishing she'd gone with the imposing banker.]

Their love story is interrupted by duels, the machinations of ambitious dignitaries, and hindered by their own [fiery?] tempers, but transforms into something neither of them expected. As duty and desire collide, Daniel and Madeleine must decide whether love is worth the price of surrendering the very independence they have both fought to protect. [While duels are more interesting than the machinations of ambitious dignitaries, it seems unlikely they happen with enough frequency to disrupt a romance, unless Daniel is the attaché of a Hungarian diplomat who gets challenged to duels on a daily basis . . .  and never loses.] 

I am a seasoned [Entertainment Professional] with extensive experience in [several other forms of Entertainment], bringing a deep knowledge of performance and story telling to my writing. [In other words, you're famous, but don't want us to be able to guess who you are.]

Madeleine and the Attaché is a tale of love and diplomatic intrigue. At 50,000 words, this novel will appeal to readers of A Rogue of One’s Own by Evie Dunmore, The Lily of Ludgate Hill by Mimi Matthews, To Woo and To Wed by Martha Waters while maintaining a PG rating.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

A lot of agents won't consider a 50,000-word book, though they won't admit it, claiming your book isn't right for their list. If you ask them to show you this "list" they supposedly have, they act like it's top secret national security-endangering information. There is no list. Anyway, if a lot of publishers wanted 50,000-word books, a lot more agents would want them too, so if you can find a place to insert another 15,000 words, you'll broaden the pool of agents willing to take this on.

Speaking of "too short," your summary of the plot is only five sentences (I didn't count Paris, 1861.). Can we up it to nine or ten by expanding on some of the generalities with specific details?

For instance, an example of diplomatic intrigue impeding the love affair (like when Daniel cancels their date because he has to act as a diplomat's second in a duel), an example of a time their tempers nearly cost them their friendship. The specifics of Madeleine's sudden misfortune. Maybe spell out what their love story transforms into.

Presumably you're aware of the classic 17-book series of children's stories set in Paris, starring Madeline, with such titles as Madeline and the Bad Hat, Madeline and the Old House in Paris, Madeline and the Gypsies, etc. She spelled her name differently, and as far as I know, never got romantically involved with an attaché.

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

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Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1474 would like feedback on the following version of the query.

Dear [Agent],

 

THE JOURNEY TO THE END OF THINGS is a contemporary fantasy, complete at 94k words. This [It] will appeal to readers who liked the blend of modern society with Greek mythology in Abigail Owen’s The Games the Gods Play and Netflix’s Kaos, 

the folklore-steeped expedition of Veronica Roth’s When Among Crows and the twisted fairytale of T. Kingfisher’s Nettle and Bone. Though intended as a standalone, it has potential for expansion. [I see the first change you've made is to devote most of your first paragraph to stories other than the one you've created.]

 

No one’s [ever] escaped the Underworld before but that won’t stop Sam Katopodis from trying.

 

After a fatal hit-and-run, Sam wakes on the shores of the Styx expecting to be damned to Tartarus. What other afterlife could there be for someone who exposed their father to the virus that killed him? But Sam soon learns her death was a mistake. Instead of eternal suffering, a sympathetic Hades offers her a deal she can’t refuse. She’ll have three days to find her father, make amends for his death, and return to the Styx for her resurrection. However, if time runs out, she’ll be trapped in the realm forever. [And she accepts these terms because Hades would never go back on his word. It's not like the offer came from Donald Trump.] [Apologies to all the MAGA people who visit this site for tips on the scholarly books they're writing.]

 

Though [But] Sam wants more than the chance to say goodbye, devising a scheme [She wants] to reunite her family by rescuing her father instead.

 

[Which would be easier] If only she knew where he was, something Hades refuses to disclose. [I'd put that sentence on the end of the previous one.] Luckily, she catches the eye of Pollux, a demigod who’s spent centuries exploring the realm with his deceased brother. Sam and Pollux journey across the Underworld, fleeing land sirens in Tartarus and searching through the Library of Alexandria. But everywhere they look is another dead end. [Unless the Underworld is the size of Alexandria, rather than a vast, near-infinite realm of despair, specifically mentioning the Library seems odd. It's like saying you journeyed across North America, searching the Library of  Congress. If you must mention the Library (which seems unnecessary if that's not where they find Dad), mention why they search it, like Dad was an ancient history buff.] [Not sure what land sirens are, but if they're the sirens in The Odyssey, you don't need to flee them. Just put on your noise-canceling earbuds.] 

 

When Sam finds herself falling for Pollux, she realizes their budding romance could be the very thing to get in the way of finding her father and reaching the Styx before time runs out. [Surely they can make time for a quickie.] Though a return to the surface would ultimately mean breaking her own heart, she will stop at nothing to give her father a second shot at life. In the end, she must decide how much she’d give to fix her mistakes [What mistakes? If you mean the mistake of giving her father the virus, a return to the surface won't fix that, unless she can also go back in time.] and whether her redemption is worth a soul – maybe even her own. 

 

This story came about after losing my father during the pandemic while battling my own chronic immune deficiency. My background is in academia, having completed an LL.B. and MSc International Relations at the University of Glasgow before receiving my Juris Doctorate at UCLA in 2020. I currently live in [city] with my partner and our cat, Nyx. This is my first novel.

Notes

This clears up a few of the issues from the previous version. I'm not clear on why she accepts that her father is in the Underworld. She seems to take it for granted. 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

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Face-Lift 1494

Guess the Plot

Closure

1. Margaret won't get closure until she can bury her dead husband, but an autopsy is required and the only pathologist left yesterday on a two-week vacation and the morgue refrigeration system isn't working. Can small-town veterinarian Ted Lipscomb step up and save the day?

2. Lawyer Mike Kasey has the case of the century. But can he defend his client when aliens are involved?

3. Finnegan is in the business of making sure certain cold cases stay Otzi cold, especially those in his wake. But when one death turns out to be living unimpaired, he's in a race to find the others and make corrections before he ends up on ice.

4. Hook and eye, ties, straps, pins, clips, snaps, laces,  buttons, zippers, velcro: a guide to the fasteners that have kept clothing on throughout the ages. Includes amusing anecdotes about celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.

5. Four recent deaths, seemingly connected only by their oddness, have stumped the detectives, but police officer John Pierce realizes all the victims are connected by an evil crime they got away with. Should Pierce stop the vigilante who's killing people who deserve it? Or help him?

Original Version

Dear {Agent},

 

Jimmy Leary, a man who abused drugs and women, boards the train to hell with an apparent suicide.  The Smith & Wesson .357 is still wedged in his tonsils, but he wasn’t thought to be the suicidal type. [This had me thinking Jimmy and someone who committed suicide boarded the train together. Maybe replace "with" with a comma, or "after."]  [Also, I'm not sure his tonsils would still exist.] [Also, having read the rest of the query, it's now clear that Jimmy did not literally board the train to hell. You probably don't want to give the impression, in sentence 1, that your book has fantastical elements . . . unless it does.]

Frank Fowler dies in a house fire – which is ironic, because he was a firefighter.  Evidence discovered at the autopsy points [leads] investigators to conclude Fowler himself stupidly torched the house by accident. [I suspect a list titled "Most Common Occupations of People who Die in House Fires" would have firefighters near the top. Though it's rarely their own house . . . ] [Also, how the fire started seems like something that would be revealed by an investigation of the site, not an autopsy.] 

 

Nicole Martel’s death is suspicious, but no one can figure out the source of what poisoned her.  Odd that the mysterious man who appeared at The Lounge one summer afternoon and flirted from the bar stool next to her is never seen again. [Hard to prove he was never seen again by anyone. If you mean by anyone in the bar, that doesn't seem odd to me. I've been in several bars that I never returned to (usually at the owners' requests).]

 

And Matt Brown is killed when his motorcycle slams into a stack of Jersey barriers on the side of the street.  Battered from being catapulted seventy feet into the weeds, his passenger tells first responders the police car chasing them caused the crash. [It had nothing to do with Matt's refusal to pull over.]

 

Meet John Pierce:  husband, father, police officer.  An implausible tip leads him to pick at the thread and unravel a noble vigilante’s scheme to settle the score and give closure to an innocent girl.  Four deaths already bob in the vigilante’s wake.  The cost of John’s investigation of a most unlikely suspect is tragically realized one spring evening outside the home of Russell Martel, another man with that evil crime in his past. [What evil crime?]  In the end, confirming what John knew all along:  No one is above the law. [I think I'd prefer you not reveal anything about the ending than to reveal it in such vague terms.]

 

CLOSURE, a 96,000-word reality-based whodunit, might appeal to fans of Joseph Wambaugh and John Grisham, and to viewers of The Wire and Southland.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Notes

Wouldn't the tipster have contacted a detective rather than a lowly police officer in order to get the connection among these deaths investigated? Does this cop even have the time and training to take this on?

Does the innocent girl know these people are being killed? 

I'm not sure listing all the deaths is the way to go in the query. It's like you're changing the subject every couple sentences. If you started:

When police detective John Pierce receives an anonymous tip revealing the connection among four recent deaths in his precinct/town, he opens an investigation that confirms all the victims attended the same high school at the same time.

...you could spend most of the query on John's investigation, and not on the deaths. Which I assume is what most of the book is about.

 

Feedback Request

 The author of the book most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Shukari leaves a fire unharmed. [Is it Shukari or the fire that's unharmed? Maybe escapes a fire?] She only wishes her parents had too, both stuck with mysterious conditions that precede certain death. [Did they die in the fire because their mysterious conditions prevented them from leaving? Or did they survive, but the fire caused their mysterious conditions?] Her best choice is [She decides] to join a force that will help get her leads on a cure, if she helps protect their eco-city from crooked mages and violent creatures. [I know I suggested changing "guild" to "force," but that was supposed to include an adjective describing the kind of force. Police force. Team of mercenaries. Superhero squad. Vigilante gang.] Deal. [This seems like a pretty crappy deal. She has to fight against monsters and mages, and only then will they be willing to help her get leads? On a cure that may not exist? That sounds like what the villain who has the cure would offer. The force is supposed to be the good guys.] But as she keeps risking her skin while running into dead ends, Shukari’s patience grows as thin as her loved ones’ lives [Wears thin? wanes? is wearing thin?]. 

 

Soon, she learns where to get key info on the case. [The case of the threat to the eco-city? Or the case of the mysterious condition?] That it belongs to criminal mastermind Tantalus is no issue. [It may not be a deterrent, but I'd call it a big issue.] Save innocent people and her folks? Of course Shukari’s on the job. But he’s not talking, and only after losing a battle of wits and spells [Wait, does she have the ability to cast spells? That could have been mentioned earlier as it explains why the force thinks she can be useful.] does she discover that same info is vital to completing new, magic superweapons that have the black market salivating. [Info that can lead to curing a mysterious fatal condition is vital to creating magic superweapons. Sounds iffy, but then maybe Oppenheimer or Einstein got the idea for atomic bombs when they saw that radiation therapy was effective against cancer. If I'd seen Oppenheimer, I'd know, but it was too long.]

 

The noble thing would be to round up her squad, crush Tantalus and his ring, and let the lead die with him. [What about round up her squad, crush the ring, and let Tantalus live if he coughs up the info?] Instead, Shukari plans a trade he can’t resist: tell her everything and he gets special documents that will sweeten his business. [If I were Tantalus I would have no trouble resisting this trade: "I give you information I could sell for millions on the black market, and you give me . . . 'special documents'? I don't think so."] Naturally, she’s setting a trap. But crossing a master dealmaker, and criminals invested in his success, is more dangerous than any rampaging monster. [In your opinion. Me, I'll take my chances with the master dealmaker.] If Shukari isn’t careful, she and many more will see that firsthand. 

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is an Adult Science Fantasy standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast. Imagine our Earth forced into a Norse myth-like state. [I doubt the agent you're writing to will know what you mean by Earth being forced into a Norse myth-like state. She'll wonder which of your characters is Thor and which is Odin.] The story has a similar setting to John Gwynne’s Bloodsworn Saga, but where magic and science are king and queen like in M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Possibly your book makes all my issues into non-issues. If so, great, but you don't want them to bother the agent in the query, 

Face-Lift 1493

Guess the Plot

From Embers to Moonbeams

1. When Tommy puts his model rocket into the glowing embers left in the fireplace, he thinks it'll shoot straight up through the chimney to the moon. What he didn't think was that it would land in the woods and start a fire that would burn down every house in a three-mile radius.

2. She's hated werewolves all her life. He's a werewolf who needs a mate. Is this another doomed interspecies love affair? Or can he charm her into overcoming her prejudice and helping him lead the pack?

3. A detailed scientific exploration of the properties of light sources against the backdrop of darkest night, with explanations of luminosity, wavelength and the effects on the surrounding environment and creatures. In addition to embers and moonbeams, also discusses fireflies, passing headlights, lightning, glowing algae, and the blindingly bright motion-activated spotlight my asshole neighbor just installed on his garage that points directly at my bedroom window.

4. Ghennia slightly objects to being burned alive so her ashes can ignite pathways to the shiny orb in the night sky. However, without moon dust, her village will wither away and everyone she cares about will die. There's only one solution: build a spaceship. 

5. The history of mankind's greatest discoveries, from how to make a campfire to cook dinosaur meat, to how to make a film that tricks people into thinking a man went to the moon.

Original Version

Dear {Agent},

He’s the beast she fears… She’s the love he craves. [... These bloody scraps of paper are what's left of the restraining order she showed him.] 

Bronwyn Matteroy’s lifelong hatred for werewolves is put to the ultimate test when Dahmric Brishnocoff, the charming soon-to-be Alpha, saves her life from a brutal attack. [I see you subscribe to the Dickens school of giving characters ridiculous names, though I would suggest  Brownstone Matterhorn for the female, and adding "IV" after Brishnocoff.] [Was she being attacked by a werewolf or a human?] Compelled by both tragic and extreme actions from her fellow humans, she has no choice but to leave her village with Dahmric, who challenges every belief she’s ever held about wolves and her past. [Why can't she leave her village without Dahmric?] [Maybe I'm the only one, but the name Dahmric makes me think of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, who was reputedly a werewolf.] [Would Bronwyn have left town with Jeffrey Dahmer, if he saved her from a brutal attack?]

For Dahmric, meeting Bronwyn and finding out [deciding? realizing?] that she is his mate means a chance at freedom from an unwanted arranged marriage with Vanya Crestguild. [Finding out that Dahmric has decided you're his mate would be almost as alarming as finding out Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're his mate.] As a werewolf troubled by his own pack's expectations and elitist beliefs, he longs for a mate who understands him and will stand by his side to lead his pack, even if she is human. 

Tensions and problems arise with both the Crestguild family and the arrival of Tariek Brishnocoff, Dahmric’s cousin, who has ulterior motives to get to know Bronwyn. Dahmric must face the challenge of [getting within fifty yards of Bronwyn without her running off screaming and then] winning Bronwyn over and getting her to accept the mate bond while Bronwyn must face the haunting memories and secrets of her past. All the while, both the Crestguilds and Tariek cause problem after problem for both of them on their journey to one another’s heart.

Told from both Bronwyn and Dahmric’s points-of-view with interspersed perspectives from Tariek, FROM EMBERS TO MOONBEAMS is a 105,000 word adult paranormal wolf-shifter romance with series potential that combines the elitist nature of the shifter world from REGALLY BITTEN by Lexi C. Foss, with the fated-mates slow-burn of BRIDE by Ali Hazelwood. 

I have an Associates Degree in Business from (Redacted) University, which, paired with my love for books, has led to a successful small business, buying and selling books as a pop-up. When I’m not writing, I’m reading or rewatching Stranger Things or Twilight for the millionth time. [Italicize titles.] 

I’m also an avid supporter of the Oxford Comma. [but not, apparently, of commas between adjectives in a list, as in the phrase "a 105,000 word adult paranormal wolf-shifter romance."] 

Thank you for your time and consideration, {Agent}. I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

Some specificity in a few places would give this more life. Phrases like "tragic and extreme actions," "ulterior motives," "haunting memories and secrets of her past," and "problem after problem" could be expanded or replaced by explicit details.

Here's a version of the plot summary with more specificity. Not having read the book, I may have gotten some of the details wrong:

A werewolf troubled by his own pack's expectations and elitist beliefs, Dominick Brishnocoff IV  longs for a mate, one who will stand by his side to lead his pack . . . even if she's human. 

Bronwyn Matterhorn’s hatred of werewolves is put to the ultimate test when Dahmric, the charming soon-to-be alpha, saves her from a brutal attack.  Compelled by both gratitude and a lifetime of bullying by her fellow humans, she chooses to leave her village with Dahmric, who seems charming, nothing like the bloodthirsty werewolves who murdered her parents. 

For Dahmric, meeting Bronwyn and realizing that she is his mate means a chance at freedom from an unwanted arranged marriage with Vanya Crestguild.  

Tensions arise with the arrival of the Crestguild family and of Dahmric’s cousin, Tariek, who sees in Bronwyn an opportunity to double his Twitter followers. Dahmric must face the challenge of  getting Bronwyn to accept the mate bond while Bronwyn must overcome the haunting memory of the day she found her parents' bodies covered in blood and fur, all while both the Crestguilds and Tariek stage catered interventions to disrupt their journey to one another’s heart.

You are welcome to use my details instead of yours in the query (and the book) if you think an agent will find them more interesting.