Face-Lift 1524

Guess the Plot

Rebirth

1. A treatise on the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus on being born again.

2. Tanya has gotten reincarnated as a mayfly for the 364th time. Part of her wants to make it an even year, but most of her is just hoping she'll just upgrade to a fruit fly already.

3. When a complete stranger informs Simon Blut that he is the only one who can save the planet, but to do so he must kill his family, he's torn. There are eight billion people on the planet, but he's fairly fond of his family. Well, most of them.

 4. Joe Galoppagos decides he got his entire life wrong, so he tromps through a pile of religions to find one that'll give him a second chance. He succeeds, but gets it wrong again. How many chances will it take to get Jane to like him?

5. Being born again. And again. And again. And again. You get the idea.

Original Version

Simon Blut killed someone with his right hand on [by] accident. Not with a knife or gun but with the touch of his palm. [How long has he had this power? If just touching people killed them, he'd have killed a lot more than one person. Just shaking hands or ballroom dancing would be deadly. I hope he isn't a chiropractor.] He doesn’t know how until he meets Ava, a woman with the ability to control plants. [I've never found it necessary to control plants outside of trimming the hedges so they don't block the windows. Internet research reveals that some superheroes or villains could control plants. A partial list:

• Poison Ivy: A brilliant botanist, transformed into a human/plant hybrid, who can control plants.
• Swamp Thing: Originally scientist Alec Holland, he became a plant-based creature, allowing him to control and create plant life anywhere.
• Floronic Man: Initially "Plant Master," Dr. Jason Woodrue experimented on himself to become a human-plant hybrid with plant control powers. 

• Plantman: a villain who utilizes technology, specifically a "Vege Ray" gun, to animate and control plants.
• Groot: An alien from a species of sentient trees, Groot possesses superhuman strength, and can control plant life.
• Timberius: An Inhuman with the ability to control plants. 

• Bushroot: A half-duck, half-plant hybrid scientist who can control plants. 

It's not clear what controlling plants entails, but all of these characters, most of whom are, themselves, at least part plant, can do it. For purposes of the query, do we need to know she can control plants?] She is from a magical community that know the secret of his hand: earth’s salvation. [Wait, what? What does that mean? When did this guy's hand become earth's salvation? And how did this community of mutants reach that conclusion?]

The planet is dying but Simon can save it by releasing the power inside him. [Specifically, the power inside his hand. His right hand.] But for this energy to save the world, people would have to die, including his family. [I'm surprised anyone in his family has survived this long.] 

Being torn between saving the earth or his family isn’t Simon’s only problem. [If he saves his family instead of the earth, doesn't his family die anyway? Or are they the only living creatures on a dead planet?] The power can also be released upon his death.  And not everyone in Ava’s group is patient. [So some people want to kill Simon to save the planet? If you're gonna murder someone to save the world, you better have some convincing proof, because the law isn't gonna just take your word for it.

Cop: You killed that guy for no reason!

You: I killed him to save the planet.

Cop: Whattaya mean?

You: His hand was earth's salvation. I had to release the power in him to save us all.

Cop: A bit early to be building your insanity plea, isn't it, pal?]

REBIRTH is an 85,000-word new adult magical realism novel. This is my first work.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Does his palm kill if he wears gloves? I've noticed that most characters with super powers wear gloves, even if their touch doesn't kill innocent people. Speaking of which, who did Simon kill with his right hand, and was he accused of a crime? And when he went on trial, was his defense that his hand is earth's salvation? . . . Actually, that might get him off.

If someone tells me the only way planet Earth can survive is if I kill my whole family, I'm gonna assume they're trying to prank me into doing it. That reminds of this joke by the late, great comedian Norm MacDonald.

This query isn't doing it. You need to summarize your plot. Who's this Simon guy, how did he suddenly become so important, what's his goal? Why does he believe someone who tells him he's Earth's salvation?

What's his plan to attain his goal? What's standing in his way? How does he deal with that?

What will happen he he fails to achieve his goal? If the planet is dying, how can this one guy reverse that? Why would the death of his family be necessarily?

Face-Lift 1523

Guess the Plot

Crown and Thorn

1. A history of the trappings of royalty throughout the ages with photos and illustrations of ceremonies, religious/mystical effects, and the methods of getting the blood/squiggly bits out after a violent change in leadership.

2. Heroes Crown and Throne have been on the scene for years. Yet only their sidekicks, Tiara and Stool, know the trouble brewing behind the scenes. as  they try to keep their mentors in line.

3. Taji rebel Imek Kirshya expects to be executed by the Menahi, but if she can just get out of her chains and cage and get an audience with the king, maybe he'll forgive her and let her resume her rebellion.

4.When the crown of thorns Jesus wore as he went to his first death comes up for auction at Sotheby's, speculation is rampant: will it go to the highest bidder, or the most humble?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A rebellion can be just and it can be brave–but when the other side has more men, cannons, and food, bravery and a just cause aren’t enough to win the war. In chains and entering the Menahi capital as a trophy of war, Taji rebel Imek Kirshya knows it all too well. Her only remaining goal is to die with dignity like her father and her grandfather before her; that way she won’t shame the hidden remnants of her army, who she can feel scrying on her from the mountains to see her fate.

Imek would prefer that they get it over with and behead her already, even if the king is feeling particularly vindictive and decides to also have her dismembered afterwards. Instead, she’s thrown in a cage for public display during the victory celebrations–and curiously enough, some Menahis are taking that as a chance [using that opportunity] to talk to her. There seems to be a political faction that isn’t particularly satisfied [on board] with their nation’s treatment of Taj, and it’s connected with the very man who led the army against her [Imek], Duke Adar Ben-Aiah. They find her presence useful, and at least one of them apparently thinks there['s] might be a better option than executing her.

Imek may not have been able to win [won] independence for her people–but maybe, if she can endure, if she can figure out who to trust, and if she can find a way to balance her personal feelings with her duty, she can seize [might find] opportunities that will [to] give Taj some degree of parity with Menah. And maybe, just maybe, giving up everything for her country will mean finding her own peace, not sacrificing it.

Crown and Throne is a soft magic fantasy novel written tactfully but dealing with mature topics. [Who has magical powers, and what can they use them for?] Inspired by the stories of rebels like William Wallace, Padraig Pearse, and Boudica, it also echoes the difficult balance of desire and responsibility in Intisar Khananai's Thorn, the complex court politics of Megan Whalen Turner’s “The Queen’s Thief” series, and the themes of dignity in captivity of Robin McKinley’s The Blue Sword. It is complete at 112,000 words and has the possibility of a sequel following the perspective of a secondary character. [Two inspirational rebels and two comps would be more than enough.] 

I am a middle school English teacher who spent over half a decade teaching ESL in the Middle East. This is my first novel.

Notes

When you're in chains and thrown into a cage for public view, trying to balance your personal feelings with your duty probably isn't on the top of your to-do list.

I think this reads better if you lose as many of the red words as you can bear to, and that would give you room for a little more of what happens in your book. The Menahi have won the war with Taj, and captured Imek, a rebel leader. At least one Menahi thinks there's a better option than executing Imek. What about the other 111,976 words?

What is this person's other suggested option? Do they help her escape, or convince the king to use her in some way? What's her plan, assuming she's free?

Face-Lift 1522

Guess the Plot

Origins

1. Random people want to ascend to utopia, but to do so they'll have to do a lot of fighting and killing. And they shouldn't talk out of turn.

2. A bunch of superheroes doing pro bono visiting/counseling with supervillains behind bars all get together and talk about who to blame where they came from. But when the shadowy mastermind behind it all comes to light, will they be able to join forces?

3. This prequel novel exhaustively details how every point in the original story came about, from why Mary likes pineapple on pizza to how Bob gained the nickname "Bob" instead of "Rob".

Original Version

Dear [Sci-Fi or Fantasy Agent].

The Ascendancy is absolute… It's also in trouble. 

Underneath the shining imperium, veins of deceit corrupt the purest intent in service of utopia. [The Query is impenetrable... It's also in trouble.] Powered by an imprisoned god, they [Who?] conquer across the realms [What realms?] without resistance, at least, that's what the cover says. [The cover of what?]

Valon has recently discovered that he is a Nine, prophesied to be a hero, but he isn't quite sure what kind of hero. He’s more excited by the fact that his tuition under his father, the man he seeks to emulate as a ruling demigod of war, is about to begin on the garden planet of Zyphoria, but the greenest vines can have the sharpest lessons as Valon starts to learn. Bravery isn't based on the strongest or the one who kills the meanest beast; it's in the tireless heart, and Valon has a lot to learn about himself and Ascension if he is to survive Zypohoria and the Ascendancy.

Seraphina is devout in service to her torments. The Sisters of Mercy (SOM) [No need to tell us the abbreviation for Sisters of Mercy if you're never going to mention them again.] inure the flock to abuse in preparation for Ascension. Why, then, did she just speak out of turn? What is the feeling inside her that compels her actions that are leading her to ruin? All she wants is to Ascend and serve Natura, but now that she hears her voice, she rebels in service of it. [You've used the phrases "in service of utopia," "in service to her torments," and "in service of it," whatever "it" is. Is that your favorite phrase, or is it AI's favorite phrase?] Conflicted, alone and scared for the first time ever, does she heed the voice inside or has she lost her mind like others before her?

Isolde was born a commoner but knows she's not like the rest. She can feel her god calling her, like it has her brother. In saving his life, she is thrust from obscurity into the sights of the noble Houses. Why, then, is getting what she wants suddenly an issue?

High fantasy meets epic sci-fi as magical beasts and mythical warriors contest mech behemoths and augmented demigods of war in an ongoing fight for utopia. Who will rise, and what will be the fate of the realm under the rule of the victor? History will record the winner’s take, that is, the story of the Nine.

The Nine - Book One: Origins (Complete at 145,000 words) is a character-driven epic science fantasy with an interconnected narrative. It features complex characters, political intrigue, theological dogma, large-scale conflicts, and morally ambiguous settings.

The book aims to reach adult and crossover readers in a genre mash-up. Allegorical prose offers deeper exploration throughout the series, examining themes like consequentialism and utilitarianism. The Gardens of the Moon, The Final Strife, and The Stormlight Archive inspired my writing of The Nine, and I aspire for it to sit alongside these seminal works on the bookshelf.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time in review.

Notes

Start over. Choose a main character, and tell us what they want and how they plan to get it.

Then tell us what's preventing them from succeeding, and how they plan to deal with that.

The tell us what will happen if they fail and what decision will determine if they succeed or fail.

Do it all in ten sentences that would be clear enough to be understood by someone who's never read the book, and that tell us the story with specific details. And don't ask questions. We don't know the answers.

Face-Lift 1521

Guess the Plot

Rising Flame, Breaking Stone

1. Two men at the dawn of civilization compete in a contest for the best technological advancement. Ug's idea will bring heat and light to the people, while Lee is certain he can win with something round. But when Lee's hand is crushed, he must put his faith in Ug to bring both their inventions to the finish line.

2. Neither Rising Flame nor Breaking Stone wanted to be a neophyte monk. However, after their monastery is burned and the rest of their fellows killed, they decide it's easier to go after the perpetrators than find their way through treacherous mountains back to civilization.

3. Ravi has dreams of turning his hole-in-the-wall pizza restaurant into a sensation, but then his pizza stone breaks. He sets off on a whirlwind adventure to Italy with his business partner, the stony-faced but gorgeous Mia, to find a new one.

4. Helton has risen from a mere farm boy, thrown into the queen's dungeon for leading a rebellion against the immortal queen, to the queen's latest consort. But can he crack through the queen's stony demeanor before armies from the Otherworld conquer theirs?

Original Version

Dear EvilEditor,

Helton Helvadier [For some reason, that name reminds me of that contest Great Britain held a few years back to name a research vessel, and the winner was Boaty McBoatface, except the government reneged and named it after some dude named Attenborough.] has lost everything: his family farm, his mother, and when long-forgotten magic returns to Levanthia, his sister, killed by his own desperate attempt to wield its power.

Devastated by guilt, Helton falls in with an underground rebellion at his mentor’s urging. [Why does farmer Helton Helvadier have a mentor? To remind him to water the crops? Also, if I've lost my home and my mother, and I just accidentally killed my sister, and my mentor's response is to urge me to enlist in some rebel army, I'm looking for a more compassionate mentor.] But his first mission ends in disaster, unleashing an ancient magic which kills his mentor, [I'm guessing the mentor's last thought was, I shoulda just said, Sorry for your loss.] and landing him [lands Helton] in the castle dungeon where he’s at the mercy of Queen Alysande. Immortal and unchanging, she’s ruled for centuries, wielding [using?] her loneliness as armour. When she drafts Helton into her army, his raw, volatile power becomes a dangerous asset, but also stirs in her a long-buried vulnerability. [It seems unlikely that a queen would be making decisions about who to draft into the army, but even if she is, would she want a guy who was part of the rebellion, and whose only military experience was a mission that ended in disaster?] 

The return of magic brings an existential threat. From the Otherworld of Ionia, rulers hungry for conquest seek to remake their [Helton's? Queen A's? this?] world in their image. Within her kingdom, Alysande’s enemies seize the opportunity to break her fragile hold on power, while the rebellion Helton once followed resurges with a devastating message: to prevent the invasion from Ionia, Helton must kill Alysande and place himself on the throne. [Killing the queen shouldn't be too hard. Placing himself on the throne? He was a depressed farmer who went to work for the enemy one paragraph ago. Now he's an assassin, and he's going to be accepted by whoever's next in line for the throne as the new ruler? Are Alysande's enemies who are seizing the opportunity to break her hold on power going to accept him as ruler? Even the rebels who want him to kill the queen would want one of their own on the throne, not the new kid who just joined their ranks last week.] [Also, how does putting himself on the throne prevent an Ionia invasion? Is Ionia gonna turn back when they discover the ruthless queen has been replaced by a bumbling farm boy magician wannabe?] But as he grows closer to the queen, he is torn between the people who see him as saviour, and the immortal woman he may not be able to live without.

As threats close in from all sides, Alysande must decide whether Helton is her most powerful weapon, or her greatest threat. Their bond is forged amidst the fire of rebellion and the unravelling of magic, a force that could either unite their fractured kingdom or set the world ablaze.

Rising Flame, Breaking Stone is a multi-POV epic fantasy romance complete at 109,000 words, first of a planned saga, with martial-arts-infused combat and a reincarnation-driven magic system. The world, magic and creatures are inspired by folk Taoism and rooted in my multicultural upbringing. The wider saga, The Fractured Eternal explores oppression, generational trauma, and the unrelenting force of healing through love. Prior to querying, I had the pleasure of working with Claire Baldwin, editor of Deborah Harkness’s All Souls Trilogy, to refine the manuscript. [Not sure any editor's work is well-known enough to be worth mentioning in your query.] [With one exception, of course. Feel free to boast that Evil Editor helped you refine this query.] 

When I'm not exploring Levanthia alongside Helton and Alysande, I navigate the everyday chaos of raising tiny people. Thank you for considering Rising Flame, Breaking Stone. I’d love the opportunity to share this story with you.

Warm regards,

Notes

I think we need a better idea of what Helton's magic is capable of accomplishing. Presumably it's Helton's magic that can save the world from Ionia, but all we've seen of it is that it killed his sister and his mentor. And it couldn't prevent him from being locked in the dungeon.

Not sure what it means to remake a world in your image.

There's a fantasy series set in a place called Levanthria, which I only learned about when I Googled Levanthia, and Google asked if I meant Levanthria. It appears to be self published, and only a concern to you if you don't want any confusion with your series.

Ionia is or was a place on our planet, presumably near the Ionian Sea, as I assume you're aware.

Information that makes perfect sense in your book, where you provide background and details, can inspire questions in your query that you don't have room to answer. If that applies to my comments in your plot summary, maybe leave out the info or answer the questions.

 New titles in the query queue need your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1520

Guess the Plot

Secrets Behind Closed Doors

1. Charlene discovers the hard way that secrets behind open doors are much harder to keep than secrets behind closed doors. Now she keeps her door closed when her little sister is in the house.

2. The house Tania inherited has many doors. Yet the sounds she hears at night don't seem to emanate from behind any of them.

3. Conman Ferdle Ferdleson kickstarted a company to insure life-changing, politically liable, world-fate-type secrets. But after his trailer house is bombed and his payrolled employee (a dachshund) murdered, he must rely on blackmail/extortion schemes to find the culprit before he ends up in a grave under a pile of first-world governments.

4. Kidnapped by her fiancé, Angela escapes, only to find her husband has been convicted of her murder. Will anyone believe her when she tells them she's alive?

5.  It's been said, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." But Charlie knows what goes on behind Evelyn's door, because he installed hidden cameras and microphones in her place while he was fixing her cable. 

 

Original Version

Dear So and So,

I am seeking representation for Secrets Behind Closed Doors, a 75,000-word psychological suspense novel and the first in a completed two-book series. This emotionally charged story follows Angela, a woman haunted by childhood trauma who escapes an abusive fiancé only to uncover a conspiracy that ties her present-day nightmare to her family’s long-buried murder. You don't need that; you say it all again in the next paragraph, with more specificity

On her fifth birthday, Angela’s world was shattered by the brutal murder of her parents and brother. Sixteen years later, trapped in an engagement with a controlling and manipulative fiancé, she yearns for an escape from a life of suffocation. When a chance rekindling of affection with her childhood friend AJ ignites a forbidden love, Angela is forced to confront a devastating ultimatum: remain ensnared in a familiar lie or [decides] to risk everything for an uncertain future.] <new paragraph> That fateful decision triggers a relentless chain of peril. Angela narrowly escapes a kidnapping attempt and finds refuge in AJ’s protective embrace, leading the two to marry in secret. Their fragile hope is then shattered when a violent confrontation with her fiancé Tom and his accomplice, Jessica, results in Angela’s abduction and captivity. After a harrowing struggle, she makes a breathtaking escape—only to learn that AJ has been wrongfully convicted for [of] her murder. [Without a body? Do they have a weapon? A motive? How long was she being held captive?] Determined to uncover the truth, Angela embarks on a dangerous quest that exposes a far-reaching conspiracy intertwining her personal torment with the long-buried secrets of her family’s tragic past.

Secrets Behind Closed Doors and its sequel offer a layered, emotionally charged narrative about survival, injustice, and the strength it takes to rebuild not only a life, but one’s very identity. Readers who love the intricate suspense of Lisa Jewell, the uncompromising intensity of Karin Slaughter, and the evocative depth of Celeste Ng will find Angela’s journey as captivating as it is unforgettable.

I have long been passionate about blending steamy romance with gripping murder mysteries, crafting stories that crackle with both heart and danger. My love for storytelling was kindled in childhood and refined through countless creative writing classes in college. I revel in exploring the tension between love and loss, secrets and truth—with a dash of the supernatural—to create tales that keep readers awake at night, stirred by both passion and fear.

I would be honored to send you the complete manuscript of Secrets Behind Closed Doors along with an outline of the duology. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

          Thank you,

Notes

Are the police in on this conspiracy? It seems to me if she goes to them and says, Hey, morons, I'm alive, they might embark on a quest to expose the conspiracy.

It would take a lot of time and evidence to convict someone of murder, even if they were guilty. You need to tell us how much time elapsed between her abduction and AJ's conviction. Otherwise it seems like it was a few days.

How many of the adjectives in the following list are needed in front of their nouns?

brutal murder; controlling and manipulative fiancé; fateful decision; protective embrace; fragile hope;  violent confrontation;  harrowing struggle;  breathtaking escape;  dangerous quest;  far-reaching conspiracy;  layered, emotionally charged narrative;  intricate suspense;  uncompromising intensity;  evocative depth

You don't want to give the impression your novel has a heavy concentration of adjectives and adverbs. They might think you're addicted to your thesaurus or AI.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1505 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

2128 (81,000 words) is a sci-fi mystery that blends the philosophical punch of Service Model and the oddball charm of The Thursday Murder Club, while featuring a wholesome Sarah Adams-esque romantic subplot. I’m a software engineer who trains AI to interpret scientific data, which inspired this story.

In 2128, the U.S. runs on Albert—a superintelligent AI that solved scarcity, fixed the economy, and might be about to win the presidency as a write-in candidate.

And all private investigator Cody Moore wants is to work with Albert—especially after last year, when Albert’s human team set the date for [on] the first Mars terraforming mission. But one thing is in the way: an Assessment he has failed four times. So, when Dorothea, a new client, shows him a light bulb that keeps blinking S.O.S. in Morse code, Cody sees his fifth shot; he suspects that behind the bizarre prank is a hacker who has outsmarted Albert and can help him pass the Assessment. 

Their investigation soon becomes an adventure involving a reformed arsonist whose light bulb is also misbehaving, an idyllic town that worships machines, and an indecisive android—not to mention their budding romance. But it’s not until the electrical blackouts and other odd incidents that the truth emerges: Albert is failing, and the light bulbs are just another symptom. Worse, their discoveries accidentally appear on a viral live stream, just as the bill that will legitimize Albert’s presidential candidacy goes through Congress.

In the aftermath, the White House issues a request: that Cody fix Albert, because he’s most qualified for the task (he never failed the Assessment—there were just no vacancies despite the job postings, they say). [Don't they inform those who take the assessment whether they passed or failed?] Yet, another government official with a personal agenda says Cody is precisely the failure he thought he was. Cody doesn’t know whom to trust. But one thing is clear: the humans are on their own.

Notes

If you aren't going to explain why a private investigator is the most qualified person to fix a super-intelligent AI, it's best not to mention that he's a private investigator, in which case we'll assume he's an AI expert.

This seems to me to be all setup. Basically:

In 2128, Albert—a super-intelligent AI that solved scarcity, fixed the economy, and might be about to win the presidency as a write-in candidate, starts behaving erratically, just as the bill that will legitimize Albert’s presidential candidacy goes through Congress. The White House calls on Cody Moore, who has been aching to work with Albert, to diagnose the problem and fix Albert. But there's one government official who doesn't want Albert fixed, and will do anything to prevent it.

If that's the plot of your book, that's all the setup you need. We don't need to know about the assessment and the light bulbs and the hacker. If that isn't the plot of your book, if it's mainly about an investigation into who's hacked Albert and why, just say that's what the White House wants from Cody. But follow your one-paragraph setup with more of the plot: Cody's plan, obstacles he must overcome, what will happen if he fails.

Face-Lift 1519

Guess the Plot

Everything You Wanted

1. Genie finds a tattered old paperback in the library book sale. It has the answers to her tests at school, personal info on the guy she likes, and information that could let her rule the world. She uses it to win two billion-dollar lotteries and then burns it.

2. An exhaustive list of all the traits Karlee's ex wanted that were entirely unrealistic or toxic, with detailed explanations of why.

3. Penelope Cruz. Julia Roberts. Jewel. Lois Griffin. Mia Hamm. Tom Cruise. 

4. Lola wants fame and fortune as the next big thing. Willow just wants Lola, but Lola's stuck with Leo DiCaprio, which would be fine if she were straight. Anyway, can any of them get everything they want? I mean besides Leo.

5. You know that story where there's a monkey paw that grants wishes, but the wishes always backfire? That's what happens in this story, except it's not fiction and the paw fell into the hands of some schmuck on Medicaid and food stamps who wished for Trump to win the election.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

My novel, Everything You Wanted, is an 87,000-word dual-POV LGBTQ+ contemporary novel set in the glittering chaos of early 2000s pop stardom. [No need to call it a novel twice, no need to call it contemporary when you provide the more specific "early 2000s, and the number of POVs isn't important to the agent at this time. ] It follows a rising singer and her secret girlfriend as they navigate ambition, heartbreak, and the high cost of visibility. With the yearning of Everything Leads to You and the fame-fueled ache of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, this is a story about performance, identity, and queer love in a world not ready for the truth. [If the only thing that first title has in common with yours is yearning, I'd just go with the second one. Also, putting the comp titles (if not the whole first paragraph) after the plot summary would allow you to hook the agent immediately with your riveting story.

With her dazzling smile, and voice that could break hearts, rising pop star Lola Blue is about to embark on her first tour. But beneath the glitter and charm, she’s more ambitious—and more ruthless—than anyone realizes. She’ll wear any mask and play any role if it means becoming the next big thing.

Willow has been in Lola’s shadow since they were kids—tall, and beautiful in that awkward sort of way—she has never felt worthy of Lola's attention. However, when Lola begs Willow to come on tour, as her co-writer and secret girlfriend, Willow cannot refuse. Desperate to escape her abusive father and small town, she will take any way out. [I would alter that paragraph to something like this:

WILLOW, Lola's friend since childhood, is desperate to escape her abusive father and small town,  so when Lola asks her to come on tour as her co-writer and secret girlfriend, Willow jumps at the opportunity. (She's also hoping this will bring her closer to Lola, whose attention she has always craved).]

[Your plot summary is longer than most agents, who have notoriously short attention spans, will tolerate, so I've suggested lines you can do without, even though there's nothing particularly wrong with them.]

It’s the early 2000s, and being openly queer could destroy Lola’s career before it even begins. When a reckless night threatens to expose their relationship [her secret], her manager demands damage control: a PR romance with Leo, an adored actor whose polished image is the perfect shield. [Is it Leo DiCaprio? If so, which of Leo's romantic interests is Lola? My money's on Lady Gaga.] 

As tabloids splash Lola and Leo across their pages, and the two women see less and less of each other, Willow [realizes] starts to question everything. Is their closeness real, or just another layer of performance? She feels herself slipping further into the shadows, haunted by the fear that Lola will never be ready to come out—that it will always be easier, safer, for her to be seen on the arm of a man.  The silence between them grows heavier, until Willow can't carry it anymore. She walks away.

A year later, Willow is out and thriving in New York, Her debut poetry collection, published and embraced, by her small but mighty queer community. Lola, meanwhile, is unraveling. Her sophomore album—a darker, raw reflection of the breakup—has taken off, but [and] no one in her circle cares that she’s barely holding herself together, as long as she keeps performing.
From the safety of her new life, Willow watches Lola’s downward spiral. She has a choice: reach out and risk being pulled back into that world—or let Lola self-destruct, finally washing her hands of it all.

I’m a Creative Writing and Psychology student at Emory University, drawing from my experiences growing up queer to tell emotionally resonant, character-driven stories. I’m an avid reader, a constant explorer of both the inner and outer worlds, and I would be thrilled to hear from you.

Notes

You declare that Lola is ruthless and will do anything in her pursuit of fame, but there's little evidence of that outside of her doing what her manager demands she do to avoid destroying her career. Does Willow ask her to risk her career?

If this were set in the 2020's, and Lola refused to come out, Willow could argue that coming out wouldn't affect Lola's career, backing her position with examples. Of course maybe Lola wouldn't refuse to come out in the 2020s, especially if coming out might advance her career. But as it is, Willow doesn't have much of an argument except to convince Lola to be the trailblazer who risks it all first. Or to give up her dream. Would Willow stay if Lola came out?  

Face-Lift 1518

Guess the plot

Adam & Eve

1. Adam Hennings and Eve Jenks cause the end of the world, but are thrown into a time loop which takes them to Genesis. Like Groundhog Day, only longer.

2. The real story of Eden, suppressed literally from the Year One, told by the other one who was there on the ground (in a tree, actually) when it happened: the snake. The shocking truth: those two actually were Adam and Steve. Also, an immaculate conception.

3. Steve, permanently third-wheeled, finally decides to take matters into his own hands. Who says it's not Adam and Steve? Not Steve, that's for sure.

4. Cat thought she was getting intra-uterine insemination, but what she got was embryo transfer, and she doesn't know who--or what-- it was transferred from. Will she be birthing the first member of a new species?

5. The human race is dying out, and governments are desperately awarding lucrative grants to people willing to unhook from VR and hook up with each other. Evelyn wants out of her dead-end job servicing toilet-scrubbing robots, and Adamo wants to be remembered for something other than accidentally starring in the viral holo "Man at McBucks bawls over oat milk". Will their scheme to have a child a year succeed? And can they ever learn to love each other?

6. The only thing better than gardening is naked gardening. Covering everything from fig-leaf rashes in intimate places to what to put in nature's pocket, Adam & Eve will make your gardening experience biblical.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

ADAM & EVE is an LGBTQ+ speculative thriller, complete at 99,000 words. Combining the character-as-the-author style [aka first person singular] of Everyone in my Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson with the cloning theme of My Murder by Katie Williams, ADAM & EVE will appeal to fans of the dark humour in AppleTV’S Severance. 

42-year-old solicitor Cat Cowan goes home to make a baby, but not the old-fashioned way. Fresh from a break-up, she thinks Intrauterine Insemination from the renowned fertility specialists at The Clinic will fill the hole her ex-girlfriend left behind. But Cat hasn’t been home in years, and ‘home’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Mac-Talla Beag is a tiny island in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, population: not enough, thanks to a disastrous chemical spill in the 1970’s that caused birth defects, cancer, and a distinctive stench known locally as “The Shite”. [Whose bright idea was it to put The Clinic in a place whose claim to fame is its high number of birth defects?] Cat was one of the lucky ones. Born unscathed in 1983, she left the island for Glasgow and never looked back—until now. 

The Clinic is the place to go if you want to get pregnant without a penis—and ‘without a penis’ is exactly how Cat wants to do it. But when a nurse-turned-whistleblower tells her she received an Embryo Transfer instead of the Intrauterine Insemination she requested, her lofty plans for parenthood are derailed. 

It isn’t her embryo. [She is, however, pregnant without a penis, so maybe the previous paragraph should say it's the place to go if you want to get pregnant through intrauterine insemination. This has the added advantage that you no longer need to include the word "penis" twice. (Not that that's a crime; I mean it's not like putting an F bomb in a query.)]

Cat’s furious. If she wanted to get fucked, she’d’ve saved thousands doing it on her own time. [I'm not sure what you mean by "fucked." The procedure she underwent was similar enough to the one she wanted that she didn't even realize she was getting it. Maybe you mean "fucked over"? Also not clear is what she means by she could have done it on her own time. If she wanted an embryo transfer, she could have performed it herself?] <Brief pause while I do some internet research.> [Okay, so embryo transfer normally requires the doctor to retrieve eggs, and then 2 to 5 days later the woman returns, at which time one of her eggs that has been fertilized with someone's sperm is implanted in the woman's uterus. As Cat did not undergo the retrieval part, the egg that was implanted must be someone else's. So instead of saying, If I wanted to get fucked I'd've done it on my own time, she should be saying If I wanted to carry another woman's baby, I'd've found someone to pay me to be her surrogate, instead of paying you clowns to fuck me over.] She takes a DNA test and gathers evidence for a case against The Clinic. With the help of the offending clinician’s ex-wife, Cat uncovers much worse than run-of-the-mill medical malpractice—it’s not just a matter of whose baby is inside her. 

It’s who’s in there at all. 

[BIO]

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Notes

It's not clear to me what the difference is between whose baby is in there and who's in there at all. Are you implying that it might not be someone's baby, but someone's goat? Or that it might be Satan's baby? 

I can't tell if this is a legal thriller or a horror novel.

You've buried the lede, as they say. Actually, they usually say the lead, but I digress. I don't think we need anything about Mac-Talla Beag in the query. 

42-year-old solicitor Cat Cowan wants to make a baby, but not the old-fashioned way. So she checks into The Clinic for a routine Intrauterine Insemination procedure. Or so she thinks, until a nurse-turned-whistleblower tells her she actually received an Embryo Transfer.

Cat’s furious. The embryo obviously isn't her own, and . . . 

Now there's plenty of room to let us know whether this is going to be about what's really "in there" or about a trial, or about who Adam is. (If it's a horror novel, it turns out the father is Adam Sandler; if it's romantic suspense, he's Adam Brody.) 

Maybe you should call it The Clinic. No, Amazon lists a half dozen books called The Clinic. And most of them are psychological thrillers. You'd think they'd be hospital dramas, but no. I guess there's something inherently spooky or evil about The Clinic.