Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1544 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear [Agent], 

I was so pleased to see [_____] on your wishlist, and I’m excited to present you with KISSING EXISTENCE, a multi-POV, nonlinear upmarket novel complete at 67,000 words. It combines the emotional complexity regarding love and memory in Lily King’s HEART THE LOVER; the introspective, nostalgic style of Banana Yoshimoto’s DEAD-END MEMORIES; and the wintry atmosphere of blurred reality within Han Kang’s WE DO NOT PART.

          [I see why you're excited to query this agent, if your book ticks these boxes on her wishlist:

          Fiction 

• multi-POV, nonlinear
• emotional complexity regarding love and memory
• nostalgic style
• wintry atmosphere of blurred reality]

[I'm not a big fan of talking about other people's books before you talk about the one you've written, but I get so many queries that do this, I have to assume someone somewhere has recommended it. Anyway, what's your book about?]

Moka only wants to get through her dull office job and dull life without confronting her deepening isolation. [That's exactly how the plot summary in the previous query (Face-Lift 1550) started. That character got through his deepening isolation by finding an ancient sword that turned him into a superhero. Does Moka also find an ancient sword?] That all changes when she meets Alice, a lively and talkative stranger who quickly—almost too quickly—fills the void in Moka’s life. But shortly after their third encounter, on a cold winter night, Moka comes across a dead body in the snow. It’s Alice. [That was fast. Did they both leave Starbucks at the same time, and Moka stumbles upon Alice's body five minutes later? In other words, it's not clear whether "on a cold winter night" refers to the third encounter or to coming across the body . . . or to both.] [Riddle: What does Moka order when she goes to Starbucks?]

Ruled as a suicide, her death paralyzes Moka, unleashing an even heavier loneliness than before. But when her [Alice's] ghost starts appearing in her [Moka's] kitchen, Moka [she] feels compelled to piece together Alice’s life through those she left behind: a mother, a sister, an ex, a colleague. And as fragments surface—a secret pregnancy, a devastating 9-1-1 call, a bittersweet first love—her attachment only intensifies. 

Before obsession consumes her completely, [Too late.] Moka must learn how to exist with her love for Alice, rather than exist only for it. [The distinction between those two options isn't as obvious as it might be if Alice were alive. And those don't seem to me to be the only options. For instance, she could need to learn how to exist without her love for Alice. Or learn how to exist when she can't walk into her kitchen without worrying that a ghost is suddenly gonna appear.] 

Notes

This is an improvement, thanks to some added specifics. My impression is that Moka is an unbalanced and obsessed character who believes the ghost is appearing to her, though that may be her imagination. Is that what I'm supposed to think? They don't seem to have known each other well enough to justify Moka's actions. (Or the ghost's.)

If someone's daughter or sister Alice recently died, and you approach them saying you want information to help piece together Alice's life, they'd probably just glare at you. Or they might ask who you were to Alice, and when you reply that you barely knew Alice but that Alice's ghost has been hanging out in your kitchen . . . I think that conversation is over.

Does the ghost communicate with Moka? Like, telling her it wasn't suicide, it was murder, and she was killed by her ex and she needs Moka to avenge her death? If Moka knows what the ghost wants from her, it's okay to put that in the query, so we'll understand why the ghost is appearing to Moka instead of to someone she was much closer to.

 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

https://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/query-queue_7.html

Face-Lift 1550

Guess the Plot

The Sword of Storms

1. Nearly every fantasy hero needs an enchanted blade in order to overcome evil overlords, right wrongs, and do good. Gale Weatherly's is the Sword of Storms which is a fancy name for a piece of metal that isn't even enchanted. He's starting to wonder if he's really cut out for this hero thing.

2. When his mother is killed by a wyvern, college dropout Mark Bauer recruits a team of wizards and dragons to get vengeance.

3. Thor has his hammer, Wonder Woman has her lasso. Captain America has his shield. But those items pale in comparison to Bob's Sword of Storms, which brings forth thunderstorms. Now if only the lightning would quit striking his sword.

4. Having cheated at cards while playing the gods for preservation of his country, Atolir has one left over that he didn't take out of his sleeve in time. Can he use the Sword of Storms card for good? Or is it a joke by the gods who realized he was cheating to cause him to destroy the country after all?

Original Version

I am seeking representation for my new adult/adult fantasy novel THE SWORD OF STORMS, a 107,000 word contemporary urban fantasy that will appeal to fans of the [such] ancient and evil villains like [as Galbatorix,] in Christopher Paolini's Eragon, the hidden world within our own of Cassandra Clare's City of Bones, or the strong ensemble of Olivia Blake's The Atlas Six. [A bit of internet research suggests that these comp titles may not help your cause, not because they aren't similar to your book, but because they are closer to young adult than adult. Also, it seems they are widely considered derivative and not particularly well-written. They did make lots of money, so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. Still, the stories of how they came to be published are perhaps as interesting as the books themselves.] [Also, Ms. Blake's first name is Olivie.]

Mark Bauer is a college-dropout, running away from responsibility and life until he runs straight into a new world of magic. However, even there he struggles to escape the crushing weight of his perceived insignificance, [I think it would be normal to feel even more insignificant if you suddenly found yourself in a world of magic. It would be like a benchwarmer on a a little league baseball team suddenly finding himself on the New York Yankees.] until his discovery of an ancient sword gives him the power and chance to become the hero he has dreamt of becoming. [Continuing my analogy, the little league kid finds an ancient baseball bat that will help him become a World Series hero. Actually, I'm starting to think you should abandon your book and write the baseball book, which sounds more realistic.] Now, he must decide between vengeance or keeping a hold on his newfound abilities. [Vengeance? I feel like I missed a step. On the college professors who flunked him out of school?] [Also, what are his newfound abilities? Can he create storms by swinging his ancient sword? I don't think he'll become the hero he always dreamt of being if he goes around causing tornados and floods.]

THE SWORD OF STORMS is a character-driven fantasy taking place [set] in the modern world. [That sentence sounds like either the first sentence of the query or the first sentence of your final paragraph, wrapping things up. Here it's just interrupting the plot summary.] Mark and his new friends, powerful wizards in their own right, are being tormented by the White Wyvern, an ancient beast that has been scheming to overthrow the order of the magical world [This is not striking me as a story taking place in the modern world. For starters, you've already brought up ancient villains, an ancient sword, and an ancient beast. Obviously this isn't Kansas.] and destroy the Dragons, god-like beings that grant chosen few wizards the ability to wield draconic power and authority. The Wyvern has crossed a line, and during an assault on the wizard's [wizards'] stronghold, kills Mark's mother. [What's his mother doing in the wizards' stronghold? Are all the wizards' mothers there? I figured "running away from life" implied getting away from his parents.] With help from the Dragons and his friends, Mark formulates a plan that, although risky, may allow him to enact [exact] revenge and kill the Wyvern for good, but in doing so, he must give up the Sword of the Storm, [It's called the Sword of Storms.] and lose his newfound abilities. [I hope he doesn't lose them before we even find out what they are.]

I am a first-time author from southern Utah with a bachelor's degree in Creative Writing.

Thank you for your time.

Notes

If Mark's newfound abilities include the ability to cut off the wyvern's head with his ancient sword, he probably doesn't need a bunch of Dragons and wizards to assist him. Conversely, the Dragons are god-like beings, and the wizards have draconic power, but together they can't deal with one wyvern unless this college dropout comes up with a plan for them? Reminds me of the old joke, how many dragons and wizards does it take to kill a wyvern? Four dragons, to burn the wyvern to a crisp, two wizards to create a hurricane to put out the fire. And one college dropout to formulate the plan.

When a wannabe hero tries to make his mark with a sword in the modern world . . . well, we all remember how it went in this iconic scene,]

It's pretty convenient that your loser main character happens to "run into" a new world of magic, and that he "discovers" an ancient sword that gives him "abilities." Could anyone have run into this world and discovered this sword? Or is he the chosen one? I mean, Spiderman and Superman and the Flash and the Fantastic Four all have logical explanations for how they got their abilities. Green Lantern didn't just find his ring on the side of the road.

You realize that if Mark gives up the sword and loses his abilities, no one will want to read your sequel in which a college dropout sits around his shabby apartment reminiscing about the day he lived his dream of being Conan the Barbarian?

Killing the wyvern isn't going to end the guilt he rightfully feels for bringing his mother into the wizards' stronghold where she was sure to be killed, so I assume he keeps the sword and his abilities rather than avenge his mother's death?

Face-Lift 1549

Guess the Plot

Keep the Good Parts

1. Emily Ryder finds a magic diary that allows her to edit her memories. The question is, which memories are better to keep? All her stupid mistakes so she doesn't make them again? Or only the good ones so she can forget how stupid she's been?

2. When Aurora's heavy drinking drifter boyfriend leaves her for a life hopping freight trains across the country, she should be relieved, but she only remembers the good parts: streetwalking, defacing public property . . . Hmm. Okay, there was their pet ferret.

3. Cassie invites her (soon-to-be-ex-) boyfriend, Scott, home to meet her parents. When her mom puts the platter of fried chicken on the table, he immediately grabs all the thighs and drumsticks. (her dad's favorite parts). Not only that, he puts two drumsticks in his pocket, saying he's keeping them for later.

4. Harold receives a rejection slip from an agent, that says: Keep the good parts. He writes back: You didn't say which were the good parts. The agent writes to him: I underlined the good parts. Harold responds: You didn't underline any . . . Oh.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for KEEP THE GOOD PARTS, a dual-POV upmarket contemporary fiction complete at 98,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Claire Daverley’s Talking at Night, Hanna Halperin’s I Could Live Here Forever, and Sally Rooney’s Normal People.

Two weeks before she meets Caden in a Seattle coffee shop, Aurora nearly drowns in the Pacific Ocean. She drags herself back to shore with a new conviction: she will stop living small. She has spent eighteen years as the good daughter with perfect grades, a future mapped by everyone except her, a life built on safe choices. [Safe choices like swimming alone in the Pacific Ocean.] [I don't wanna die and be remembered as a good daughter with perfect grades, I wanna be remembered as Lara Croft, tomb raider.] [Hard to believe her future has been mapped by everyone except her. Most people can barely map their own future, much less someone else's.] [Two weeks since she decided to stop living small, and she's now in Seattle working as a barista.]

Caden is anything but safe. He’s nineteen, ran away from home senior year of high school, and has been drifting ever since. He carries trauma from a troubled childhood, drinks too much, [There's unsafe, and then there's Bluto Blutarski unsafe.] loves too hard, and sees the hungry, unguarded girl Aurora is finally ready to be. For six months, they build a world that belongs only to them: late walks through sleeping streets, graffiti under bridges, a ferret named Noodle, whispered plans for a quiet life by the sea. [She already had a quiet life by the sea. Can you come up with a better list of what's appealing about this new world they built? Because it sounds like they're both living small.] He makes her feel alive. She makes him want to stop running.

When Aurora loses her scholarship from her expensive private university, [Standard procedure. They only want you around if you agree to let them map your future.] she returns to her small coastal hometown to regroup before transferring to a state school in the fall. Caden promises to follow. [And he's the kind of guy who never breaks a promise.] But without Aurora, he drinks constantly, loses his job, [Job? Someone actually hired this guy?] and becomes certain of what he’s always feared: he will only drag her down. He writes her a letter full of love, lets her go, then vanishes. [WHAT?! I'm shocked.] He hitchhikes to Portland, where a fellow drifter introduces him to train hopping. Chasing freedom, he catches freight trains across America, sinking deeper into addiction with every mile [, while she goes on to become the governor of California. But she still longs for the good parts of what they had together].

Told across seven years, KEEP THE GOOD PARTS follows two people bound by a first love neither can release, through the cities and lovers and near-misses that keep pulling them back to each other, and what happens when they finally find their way home.

Notes

When you say this hard-drinking, hard-loving guy sees Aurora as unguarded, I get a different vibe than what I think you're after. Like he sees her as his next project, someone he can control.

If Caden was sinking deeper into addiction with each mile, he'd have been dead by the time he reached Wyoming.

Your plot summary covers about eight months of the seven years the book covers. We don't need the whole story in the query, but you stop when she's going back to school and he vanished to go find freedom. If 80% of the book is about cities and lovers and near-misses that keep pulling them back to each other, that deserves mention in the summary, not just one sentence in your closing.

How do they even stay in touch? Does he steal someone's phone and text her that he's in Pittsburgh and he found a bridge that's in need of graffiti, and she then drops everything and hops a freight train to Pittsburgh?

You chose good comp titles. Based on their publishers' descriptions, they all have the same plot as your book.

Face-Lift 1548

Guess the Plot

Choosing Hope

1. Hope von Friss wants to be the next bachelorette, but first she needs to make it through a ninja warrior obstacle course in style.

2. After their doctor tries to get a couple to give up their new baby for adoption, they build a five million dollar medical center, mostly for the pleasure of banning their doctor from practicing there.

3. Seeking a cure for his inoperable stage 4 thyroid cancer, Tom travels to Mexico for a new treatment involving avocado pits blended with Icelandic yogurt and applied to the neck. But will Big Pharma stop him at the border?

4. Boots tries to catch the UPS truck every time it comes down the street. Not because of its distinctive noise, but because he'll never forget the time it brought him his favorite squeaky toy.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor: 

My newborn son was saved by a million-dollar surgery—then denied routine life-saving care because he had Down syndrome. Outrage turned into action as our community launched one of the nation’s first Buddy Walks, raising $5 million to help build the largest Down syndrome medical program in the U.S. at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP).

The memoir, Choosing Hope: A Mother, a Son, and the Power of Us (63,000 words), traces our journey overcoming disability-based medical discrimination and reveals how ordinary people, when united, can spark extraordinary change. [Especially ordinary people with five million dollars to spend.] When the genetics doctor told us our baby had Down syndrome, he offered foster care or adoption as “help.” [Nice. In other words: "Your baby has Down syndrome; I'm pretty sure I can find him better parents than you two."] Months later, my husband was treated for pneumonia—but Georgie was denied the same treatment because of his diagnosis.  [Not immediately clear, at least grammatically, whether Georgie is husband or son. Why not name him in the first sentence?] [Also, are you saying Georgie had pneumonia but they wouldn't treat him?]

With no hospital backing or major donors, our community gave what it could—time, talent, or piggy-bank savings—to support a visionary CHOP neurologist. Since 2002, that effort has grown from a parking-lot walk into an annual celebration at Lincoln Financial Field, home of the Philadelphia Eagles, raising half a million dollars each year. 

As the founder of the CHOP Buddy Walk and a National Down Syndrome Society Advocacy Ambassador, I bring grassroots credibility and a national platform spanning 275 Buddy Walks (330,000 participants) and conferences with audiences of up to 5,000.

The national conversation around disability has taken a troubling turn. Families and advocates need grounded, hope-centered stories that illuminate both the harsh reality of discrimination and community response. This memoir meets that need. [One could interpret "harsh reality" as applying to both discrimination and community response. If that's not the intention, stick a phrase like "the contrasting hopefulness of" in front of "community response.]

Thank you for your consideration.  

Notes

Very well written, but it would be nice to bring the query back to Georgie at the end. How he and others are thriving thanks to the new medical center. I assume you do this throughout the book. Personal anecdotes with emotional depth are likely to be the most relatable aspect of the book, even if you think of it more as a template for other people who might want to start a similar organization. 

This being nonfiction you may need to provide a sample chapter or two, so make sure you have something featuring the kids, and not too heavy on statistics.  

Face-Lift 1547

Guess the Plot

Masks of Meat

1. For the pure carnivore, these beauty aids using all-animal products will take years off your appearance and add commas to your budget.

2. Vance "Meat Eater" Volt is a complete failure on the pro wrestling circuit until his next opponents are a trio whose shtick is, well, look at the title. Also, a honey roast recipe.

3. When all the cryogenically frozen prisoners in a futuristic dungeon wake up, they realize they must disguise themselves if they are to escape the prison island. So they fashion . . . well, look at the title. Also, sharks.

4. The theme at Prince Orlack's annual costume ball seems rather odd, but no one is willing to question it . . . until all the exits are locked down and the lions are released into the ballroom.

Original Version

Dear (Agent), 

I am seeking representation for my novel, MASKS OF MEAT (77,000 words), an upmarket, gothic sci-fi/horror. It merges the psychological paranoia of Peter Watts’ Blindsight with the eerie horror of Jeff VanderMeer’s Annihilation. Masks of Meat is a multi-POV standalone novel with series potential.

Lord Arthur Lan refuses to accept the tragic death of his wife. He is drawn into a horrific bargain; trading his son’s soul to reclaim hers. [Unless his son is a serial killer, I predict Mom is not gonna be onboard with this.] When his dead wife whispers to [shrieks at] him from the darkness, he is overcome with guilt and breaks his deal. He saves his son by binding the boy’s soul to a metal body  [Where is his son's body?] and [unintentionally?] unleashes a power far older than anyone can comprehend. [How does he have access to his son's soul? He traded it away.] [Which of the following metal bodies most resembles the one Arthur's son is in?

Lured by his wife’s voice, Arthur and his reincarnated son travel to Nightfall, a desolate dungeon, its inmates frozen in endless cryosleep. Now the prisoners are awake, [Five words after you call the cryosleep endless, it's ended.] and Arthur's ship is destroyed, leaving them stranded with no way home. [Arthur has a ship? The dungeon is on a desolate island? You could have said, in the previous sentence, they sail to Nightfall, a desolate dungeon on a remote island, so we're not shocked when you mention the ship.] [ Was the ship destroyed by the unleashed power or by the released inmates?] [ Other ships must come to the island to bring new inmates. or supplies for the guards who maintain the cryopods, so they should be able to leave eventually. Not that leaving will protect them from the all-powerful whatever that's been released.] 

Instead of finding his wife, [If you gave the wife and son names, you wouldn't have to keep saying his wife and his son.] they discover the guards, dead and displayed. After one of the prisoners is violently attacked, panic spreads. Only Arthur knows the truth, in his grief, he called into the darkness, and the thing that answered has come to claim the soul Arthur promised. [Arthur traded his son for his wife. Later he breaks the deal, which I assume means he traded his wife back for his son. (The thing that has his son isn't gonna give him up for nothing.) Now the thing is back wanting the son. Is he gonna give up the wife again to get him? Is either of these characters ever gonna be satisfied?]

As the dwindling survivors turn on one another, and his son’s borrowed body begins to fail, [Shoulda got the extended  warranty.]  Arthur must decide who he is willing to sacrifice, his son or the entire group; before the entity decides for him. [The entity, I assume is what was previously referred to as the thing and the power. The "group," I assume, is all the prisoners who were so irredeemable they were put into endless cryosleep. Obviously, sacrifice the group.]

Notes

Everything I've questioned about the plot is undoubtedly clear in the book,  but the agent may not be as confident of that as I am. And I was lying when I hinted that I was confident. 

How does Arthur bind a soul to a metal body? And even if that's possible, what made him think it would save his son from the entity? Is this super-powered ancient entity allergic to zinc?

Even if the story is wacko, the query shouldn't inspire questions. Leave out the crazy stuff like binding souls to metal, and focus on what Arthur wants and how he plans to get it.

Face-Lift 1546

Guess the Plot

The Honory

A university dean gives an Honorary degree to someone later convicted of being a serial killer. Should he rescind it even though the guy is now the university's most famous alumnus?

Mara didn't want to participate in the Honary, a trial in which the winner gets the title of Distinction, and the losers die, but now that she's entered, she's gonna beat her sister, even if she has to cheat.

Since honoraries tend to be rare, this is about an honory which isn't rare, and so no one wants it which makes it suicidally depressed. Also, Jeeves cleans house.

The mystical Honary, an ancient knife sharpener, has been discovered by a novice archaeologist. But will he use it for the good of mankind, or to aid criminals? 

Original Version

Dear ___,

I am seeking representation for THE HONORY, an 80,000-word New Adult dark fantasy novel with YA crossover appeal, the planned first of a trilogy. [According to Google, you either misspelled "honorary," or you meant ornery.]

Mara Tedros was never meant to survive until Convocation. Nearly magic-less and overshadowed by her prodigy twin sister, Asha, she has spent four years in The Institution trying desperately to scrape by unnoticed. Especially when it came time for The Honory. A lethal rite held one week before Convocation, for those few daring graduates to compete for the title of Distinction, and the Emperor’s coveted blessing. While Mara may want nothing to do with these death-defying trials, Asha is a favorite to succeed. [If the lethal rite is only for those daring enough to compete, and Mara has no interest in competing, why was she not meant to survive?] [Also "not meant to survive" suggests someone meant for her to die. Which may be the case, but if not, I'd say she was never expected to survive. Or even "she never expected to survive."] {I assume "survive" means "stay alive." If it just means she wasn't expected to stick out the whole four years, make that clear.]

But when a catastrophic misstep leaves her one friend injured the night before the competition, Mara does the unthinkable: she bargains with a revenant. A cursed spirit outlawed by the faith – feared for his mischief and ruin – he offers her the strength to keep her friend safe as she enters the rite alongside him. [As we don't know her one friend's gender, we have to figure out whether you mean as her (girl) friend enters alongside the revenant, or as Mara enters alongside her (boy) friend.] Binding herself to a power that even Asha cannot reach, one that corrodes her mind. Power capable of defying the gods themselves.

[Wouldn't it be easier for the revenant to bind itself to the friend, so Mara doesn't have to participate in the Honory?] 

Thrown into The Honory with slipping thoughts, a friend to protect, and a revenant tethered to her soul, it becomes clear that these trials are not all Mara must survive, but the monster she’d brought with her. As the forsaken whispers her name, urging her towards ruin, Mara fears what might consume her first: The Honory or her faith. [The revenant is referred to as the monster and the cursed spirit; is he also the forsaken, or is that someone else?]

Currently, I am a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, with a cluster in creative writing, and a longstanding passion for books. I have a previous novel online, which has amassed over 35,000 readers and earned modest awards, but The Honory is my first traditional publication. As a woman of color, my stories are grounded in the cultural roots of my female protagonists, as I feel it is important to discuss underrepresented backgrounds and histories. The Honory, in particular, leans heavily into an ancient Persian-inspired setting, a psychologically fractured narrative voice, Zoroastrianism beliefs, and a Sanskrit-based magic system. All of which delivers dark academia intrigue, and a lyrical exploration of power over devotion. It will appeal to fans of the gritty, historical cheek presented in The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang, and A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. [PERSONALIZED REASON FOR SPECIFIC AGENT].  [That's a really long paragraph. Being an author of color is a selling point with many agents. I'm not sure "Zoroastrianism beliefs, and a Sanskrit-based magic system" are worth mentioning. In fact, this is probably enough information for your bio paragraph:

As a woman of color, my stories are grounded in the cultural roots of my female protagonists. The Honory, in particular, leans heavily into its characters' underrepresented backgrounds and histories, while delivering dark academia intrigue and a lyrical exploration of power over devotion. It will appeal to fans of the gritty, historical cheek presented in The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang, and A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik.]

With my pride and pleasure, I hope you enjoy The Honory.

Notes

Why can't the friend withdraw from the competition after they're injured? A guy in a wheelchair or on crutches has no chance in a lethal death-defying contest. 

After much of the first plot paragraph was devoted to the Mara/Asha relationship, one might expect Asha to get injured and Mara to help her win anyway. But Asha disappears from the query. If Mara has to decide whether to help her friend win, or to let up and let Asha win, that's worth mentioning.

I didn't get a feel for this "bargain" with the revenant. Mara gets god-like power allowing her to keep her friend safe, and the revenant gets . . . to tether itself to her soul? To corrode her mind? With power enough to defy even the gods, she ought to be able to untether herself from a mere revenant.

How is this revenant even there?  Revenants have been outlawed by the faith. Is it invisible? Disguised?

Can you describe the Honory with more specifics than death-defying and lethal? Is it an athletic competition? Is it some kind of test like they once gave women to prove whether they were witches? Is magic useful in winning the Honary? Or banned?

I don't think I'd include revenants' "mischief" among the reasons they're feared and outlawed. Taking peoples' souls is more serious than just a prank.

There's nothing wrong with using sentence fragments for emphasis, but four out of ten plot sentences may be overdoing it. Maybe tack a couple of them onto the previous sentence with a comma or semicolon. 

A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

Face-Lift 1545

Guess the Plot

The Last Bounty

1.Naming a ship "Bounty" is asking for mutiny, destruction . . . and FAME, which is what John Doe (real name) wants. So he buys a sailboat, employs an immigrant, and somehow gets involved with smuggling not-illegal breadfruit.

2. A worldwide shortage of trees culminates in the last roll of Bounty Paper towels being aucrtioned off at Sotheby's for 37 million dollars.

3. Bounty hunter Chuck Laramie is enjoying his well-earned retirement when the U.S. Marshall Service offers him a job he can't refuse: hunt down the terrorist who blew up the James Garfield Memorial in Washingtn D.C.

4, Anya is hired to track some travelers to a mysterious city, but when she gets there she's captured and forced to participate in death matches where each loser becomes undead . . . and so does each winner.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for The Last Bounty, a 120,000-word, romantic-comedy, [That's as far as many agents will read. There's a reason Schindler's List is twice as long as When Harry Met Sally. Why Oppenheimer is an hour longer than Barbie. It's because people who can stomach countless hours of Nazi atrocities and nuclear war, have a limited ability to sit through a romantic comedy longer than 1:45.] fantasy novel about a bounty hunter who takes a job spying on a party of travelers and ends up competing in a deathmatch designed to weed out entrants into an elite, undead military. [Whoa. At the risk of overdoing irrelevant movie analogies, this sounds more like Dawn of the Dead meets The Hunger Games than a romantic comedy.] [Also, "death match" seems to be one word only in video gaming.]

Anya is a woman of ill-repute, taking on mercenary work to drink, fuck and gamble off every payment she receives. [While I appreciate your desire to work an F-bomb into the first sentence of your plot summary, drinking and gambling away her income is bad, but fucking is supposedly what brings the money in. Spending her income on that would be like Evil Editor paying someone to edit his blog. A terrible business model.] A powerful necromancer, she enjoys collecting bones and sinew from each kill to graft together undead creations; ‘art projects’ as she euphemistically calls them. [So woman of ill repute is her day night job, and killing people is her side gig.] [Or have I got that backwards?]

Loyal, but frustrated with her distant master, the death god Thross, she channels the powers he granted her to raze bandits, hunt monsters, and drink far more than most mortals could ever survive. Now, after six years on the road, a creeping addiction has overtaken her, growing with each new job. Anya hungers for excitement, for gold, and occasionally, for exotic body parts, which has rendered her increasingly greedy for new work. [She's starting to sound more like a hitwoman than a mercenary.] [Blogger doesn't think hitwoman is one word, but Google begs to differ, which is odd, as Google owns Blogger.]

 So, when a local official offers her a job of tailing a group of rich strangers traveling to the mysterious kingdom of Lossae, she takes it without hesitation. The chill warnings from Thross go unheeded as she stumbles through forests and mountains to tail a party of wealthy warriors who are closely guarded by undead members of Lossae’s elite military force, the Reformed.

Meanwhile, King Casimir Alwin has everything a powerful, lich king could want. ["Lich" seems to be another gaming term. No need for that comma before "lich."] His kingdom, Lossae, has stood strong after five hundred years of bureaucratic tyranny.  He has six, [No comma.] loving consorts, a populace that worships him as a god, and now he gets to host a grand party with some of the most demented nobility in the known world. They are gathered for the Trials, a fight to the death where each competitor is reformed as an undead soldier and placed in his ranks based on how they performed. An honor that anyone in the kingdom of Lossae would die for. And the final destination for the travelers that Anya is tailing.

When Anya is caught at the border, she manages to kill two of his Reformed guards in her failed attempt to escape. However, Alwin, in a twist of strange mercy, elects to spare her. Her bloodthirsty will to survive and low cunning would serve her [him?] well, as his necromancer. That is, provided she can survive in the Trials. [I was under the impression each competitor in the Trials became undead. Maybe describe the Trials as fights to the death in which each loser is reformed as an undead soldier. If that's the case. Or is becoming undead surviving?] 

My Last Bounty [I see you've changed the title.] pulls on the combined sexual positivity and emotional depth of Ruby Dixon’s Bull Moon Rising  with the dark humor in the face of horror brought by Tales from the Gas Station by Jack Townsend.  My Last Bounty interrogates that nature of romance, attachment, and power in a setting where vastly different political systems coexist through a system of high-stakes elite entanglements and familiar bureaucratic incompetence. 

Thank you for your consideration

Notes

Like your book, your query is too long. Plus, while it's true you can't spell "necromancer" without "romance," there's no romance or comedy in the query, unless you call Alwin letting Anya fight to the death instead of just killing her a romantic gesture. And funny.

I don't see why a powerful necromancer needs to work as a woman of ill repute. Or as a mercenary. If she needs dead bodies for her hobby, she can use her powers to get them. And she ought to be able to use her powers to avoid being captured by Alwin's zombies. And she should have no trouble winning her match in the Trials. What, exactly, are her powers?

A bounty hunter is supposed to capture her target, dead or alive, or possibly just kill them. Her job here seems to be just to follow them to Lossae . . . and then what? Report back that they made it? What's her mission?

 Here's a version of the plot summary that's a good length for a query:

Anya, a powerful necromancer by day, and a contract killer by night, enjoys collecting bones and sinew from her kills to graft together undead creations; ‘art projects’ as she calls them. She channels the powers granted her by the death god Thross, to raze bandits and hunt monsters. And yet she hungers for more excitement, more gold, more exotic body parts. So, when a local official offers her a job tailing a group of rich strangers traveling to the mysterious kingdom of Lossae, she takes it without hesitation.

King Casimir Alwin, of Lossae, has everything a powerful king could want, and this year he gets to host a grand party with some of the most demented nobility in the known world. They are gathered for the Trials, fights to the death in which each loser is "reformed" as an undead soldier. An honor that anyone in the kingdom of Lossae would die for.

When Anya is captured at the border, she manages to kill two of Alwin's Reformed guards in a failed attempt to escape. Alwin, in a twist of mercy, elects to spare her. Her bloodthirsty will to survive and her cunning would serve him well, as his necromancer . . . if she can survive the Trials.

That's a good length, but I think we need to know more about what she's there to do. She followed some travelers to Lossae because she wanted gold, excitement, body parts. Did she get all that? Do we even care? Does she discover that her goals have changed and what she really wants is to be Alwin's queen?