Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

More Beer

1. She may be plain, plump and uninteresting, but Dolores Gray knows just what it takes to get guys to hit on her.

2. Sorry. My fault. Sent you my shopping list instead of your rejection slip. Silly really; they were both on my desk. Uh, you don't happen to have any beer . . . ?

3. More Beer the dragon spends too much time sniffing people's butts. It's up to Daniel to teach him some manners or get rid of him before somebody's nether region gets fried.

4. When writer Steve Farnsworth's marriage collapses the day after his layoff from the New York Times, he decides it's time to go on a soul-searching adventure. Can he get his editor friend to give him an advance big enough that he can experience every bar in Aruba?

5. Roy and his BDDP (Best Damn Drinkin Buddy) Snuffy have to make the Friday night beer run. Who knew the local Kwik-E-Mart was going to be taken over by aliens from the planet Syrah? They've replaced all the beer with fine vintage wines, and Roy and Snuffy have until closing time to find some Pilsner.

6. Joe is nearing middle age. His family no longer seems important to him, and to be truthful, there IS that really hot neighbor next door. But when Tessa, Joe's six year old daughter, goes next door to borrow an egg and finds her father and Ms. Sedalli curled up on the couch, Joe can think of only one way to deal with his falling apart life: More Beer.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor[,]

Daniel is the only one who can see the dragon sniffing around his friend Gibbo’s butt.

Except for two otherworld mages, that is, [Opening with a one-sentence paragraph is like saying, I don't need to elaborate; I've done enough to hook you already. Contradicting that sentence in the next five words is like saying, You can't believe anything I write.] [ The worst part is, you weren't off by one one-hundredth, as you would have been if you'd said that 100 people could see the dragon, when in fact only 99 could see it. You were off by a multiple of three. It's like if a book about early civilization opened: There were seven wonders of the ancient world. If you don't count the other fourteen. It's like saying, More Beer is 60,000 words . . . except for the other 120,000.] who say the dragon is drawn by power and that it stays around because Daniel is a mage. If that’s so, why does the dragon hang around Gibbo? [Has anyone else noticed that about 95% of all two-syllable words ending in the letter "o" start with the letter "g"? You've got gumbo, gecko, gusto, Gabbo (famous name in ventriloquism), Gobbo (Italian hunchback), Gazoo (Flintstones character), Gonzo, Gringo, go-go, Jello, Groucho (Marx), Gummo (Marx), ginkgo, igloo, Gordo (what Ted often called Gordie on The Mary Tyler Moore Show), and Lady Gaga.]

When Daniel realises the dragon spits acid and fire, it’s up to him to teach it some manners—or get rid of it—before Gibbo’s nether regions are eaten away or fried to a crisp. [Speaking from experience, it doesn't take a dragon to make your nether regions feel like they've been fried to a crisp.]

The otherworld mages aren’t much help. They’re too busy hunting a rogue mage who wants to destroy their otherworld government. And Gibbo, when he finally meets the dragon, treats it like a pet and doesn’t think it’s dangerous at all.

And what does the dragon have to do with the rogue mage? [Ah, finally we get to the crucial point that brings it all together and makes us want to read the book.] Daniel and Gibbo are about to find out. [We, on the other hand, have to guess. Okay, the obvious guess is that the dragon is the rogue mage. That part was easy; the mystery is how two mages who are hunting the rogue mage follow him to our world and to the exact spot where the dragon is, and don't realize that the dragon is the rogue mage, even though in our world there's no such thing as dragons.] [The other mystery is, Why is the rogue mage/dragon obsessed with Gibbo's butt?]



More Beer is 60,000 words. It is based mostly on Earth, with some forays into the otherworld.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


[Note for EE: The title More Beer comes from the name Daniel and Gibbo give the dragon, who turns out to like a tipple and gets drunk on a single can.]


Notes

This is mainly a list of characters. All we know is that there are characters named Gibbo and Daniel, and a dragon and some mages. We don't know anything that happens.

Where is this otherworld place? Why is Daniel making forays there? What does he want, and what's preventing him from getting it? What's his plan? We need the plot.

Are Daniel and Gibbo children? Is this book for children? If so, are parents gonna buy their children a book titled More Beer?


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...What EE said. You left too much out. Doesn't sound like a novel. Maybe a short story. Needs more plot and clarity as to who your audience would be. Current mix of adult and childish doesn't seem to work.


Dave Fragments said...Is Daniel a mage? If so, why is he in our world where magic doesn't seem to exist? Why are Daniel and Gibbo friends? What does Gibbo get out of the friendship other than being told his butt is fragrant and thus attractive to a dragon? Does Daniel end up ruling the otherworld with magic that he didn't know he had in him? What is the fate of these two, can I say, bosom buddies?


Khazar-khum said...Who, or what, is Gibbo?

Joe G said...Am I the only one who kept wondering who the eff Gibbo was? I kept picturing the stupid furry thing from the Prydain books. Fargle? Gurgle? Gurgi, was it?

I think if I were an agent and I received a query for a book called "More Beer" that had the contents of that first choice in it, I'd probably request pages.

I don't have much to add to what other people have said, but I am going to make fun of something I see a lot. Author wrote:

"When Daniel realises the dragon spits acid and fire, it’s up to him to teach it some manners—or get rid of it—before Gibbo’s nether regions are eaten away or fried to a crisp."

Query writers often seem to have their characters realizing evidence they directly witness. I would just like to point out that Daniel was probably not sitting in his rocking chair on his porch contemplating the blueness of the sky and the butt sniffing tendencies of his dragon until it occurred to him (i.e. he realized) that naturally, after consideration of all the facts, the dragon must spit acid and fire!

No, he probably SAW this happen in a highly exciting scene where cute baby dragon sneezes and sets a tree (or perhaps an unsuspecting ewe) on fire. Maybe he even noticed it surreptitiously one day while spying on Gibbo's sexual perversions. But realized? Let's rewrite.

"When Daniel witnesses the dragon spitting acid and fire, it’s up to him to realize a plan to teach it some manners-—or just get rid of it-—before Gibbo’s nether regions are fried to a crisp."

I got rid of "eaten away" since it wasn't part of the conflict introduced earlier in the sentence. You're giving us a confusing depiction of the dragon's personality.


alaskaravenclaw said...Yeah, I couldn't get past the butt-sniffing dragon either. The thing about butt-sniffing is, there's a certain segment of the population almost guaranteed to find it amusing. Alas, that demographic shares neither age nor gender with the people most likely to read your query letter.


no-bull-steve said...I think it's an interesting concept but completely agree that there's not nearly enough plot information here. It sounds like something I'd write for a story idea I have.

Whatever you do, don't query with the cliffhanger at the end. From what I've heard, agents HATE that.


Marissa Doyle said...I was wondering about the target audience too...this is sounding like it wants to be boy MG, but I suspect the title will be problematic if that's the case.


 arhooley said...We have to get pretty far into this query before we get anything like stakes -- only to find out they consist of Gibbo's butt (fried or eaten away). Too bad I don't know who or what Gibbo is and this butt-sniffing utterly puts me off. I'd much prefer to hear about the mages.


batgirl said...The butt-sniffing dragon and the wordcount suggest middle-grade. You might want to clarify that as well as the plot. I do think a boy (assuming Gibbo and Daniel are boys) finding out that he's a wizard and having to cope with a butt-sniffing dragon could make for a great boy-appeal story in the Captain Underpants vein. But you need to assure us that something happens in the story. Maybe make the dragon the major problem and add the mages as a complication?


Anonymous said...Thanks for your excellent comments people. One thing that has become clear to me is how close I am to the story. So much of what I thought was obvious isn't, and there are some truly obvious omissions there. Like the fact that I omitted 'young adult' from the query.

Back to the drawing board, taking this feedback into consideration on the way.

Thanks
The author.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Sins of the Past

1. If having Vlad Tepes as a distant ancestor is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

2. An overzealous pastor stumbles across a time machine and sets out to convert every accursed heathen through history.

3. When a retired teacher of special needs students is murdered, police immediately suspect her former students were seeking revenge for all the past times she made them confess to being naughty, even when they weren't.

4. Jeb congratulates himself on getting away with murder – literally. But when the corpses of his victims rise up and threaten humanity’s future, Jeb must find a way to atone for his . . . Sins of the Past.

5. In 2045 the Earth’s climate is wildly unpredictable because of decades of CO2 emissions. Ussiah, a Mennonite priest, can forecast the weather with meticulous accuracy. When a massive hurricane heads toward the US coast, the government asks Ussiah to predict its path, but he refuses to cooperate unless the country repents.

6. During a psychic reading, fashionista Tiffany learns the reason she can’t get a date; she was a heartless supermodel in her past life. To satisfy karma, Tiffany must transform Melvin, the nerdiest boy in high school, into a hunk. But can she do it before prom?

7. Devout youth turn to Father Kevin for confession. He understands their world and knows exactly what penance to prescribe for cyber-bullying or pirate downloads. But he's stymied when a mysterious stranger confesses to ox-coveting, regicide, obscene semaphores, and other . . . sins of the past.

8. Millie's mother was hung as a witch. Her aunt has been sheltering her ever since, trying to keep her from the prying eyes of the local law. But Millie can't stop playing with bones, cats and candles. Is she just a curious girl, or is she really her mother's daughter?

9. When the director of the Natural History Museum turns up half submerged in the La Brea Tar Pits, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: anthropology is a dirty business, and he'd better pick up a stuffed woolly mammoth from the gift shop for the kids.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Teachers are being killed; brutally, systematically. Each murder more horrifying than the last. [Comes with the territory. A teacher who doesn't get brutally murdered is like a baker who doesn't get hideously obese.]

Detective Harry MacCormick hated working Saturday nights. [I see we've switched from present tense to past already. And possibly to a different book.] All the garbage happened on Saturday nights, from teenagers wrapping their cars around trees, to alcohol fueled couple disputes; at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him. [That last phrase would make sense if it came after Harry was called to a murder scene.] When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, he hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones, chips and beer. [Change that last comma to a colon so it's clear that he has no actual loved ones, or at least none he wants to get back to.] [Also, a detective doesn't get to go home to his chips and beer the moment he clears up a case. He's on the clock till his shift ends.] [Also, what was the point of telling us Harry hates working Saturday nights? I don't see that this murder was more likely to be committed because it was Saturday.] But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning. [To me, this implies that he's unable to get back to his chips and beer because of additional murders. I doubt the additional murders occur that soon, and if they do, other detectives would get those cases.] [I recommend dumping the first paragraph and the first two sentences of the second. Open with the phone call, and it might go like this:

Called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, Detective Harry MacCormick hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones: chips and beer. But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning, as over the next eight hours three more retired teachers are brutally slain, one with safety scissors thrust into her eye, one with colored pencils shoved up her nostrils, another battered to death with a Garfield lunchbox. The media dubs it all the work of the Kindergarten Killer, the Moppet Murderer, the Grade School Guerrilla.]

Who has motive for such crimes? Is it one of the former students of the first murdered teacher, who Harry soon discovers were being forced to confess by the teachers and principal to incidents that they didn't do? [People don't "do" incidents.] [I want an example of what these children were forced to confess to, and how they were forced. Timmy, either you confess that you spilled my coffee, or I call in Borgo the Disemboweler.] Or perhaps the janitor, with his checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals? [I told you we should have hired kindly old Mr. Goodfellow as school janitor instead of the guy with a checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals.] [How many sexual abuse scandals do you get before your past graduates from "checkered" to Sorry?]

Along with detectives John Defazio, his best friend on the force for ten years, who is about to be a father for the second time with his fiancee, and Jennifer Reed, a detective for only five years, but headstrong and determined to make a name for herself, Harry races against time to stop this madman before he kills again. [The brief tidbits of information about John and Jen are interfering with whatever tension has been built up. I'd rather hear about Harry's plan to get the killer than about these other characters.]

SINS OF THE PAST is a griping tale [The tale is gripping; griping is what Evil Editor has been doing.] of murder, revenge, and suspense that will keep you guessing about the identity of the killer to the end. [Not me; I've already deduced that the murderer is actor Paul Sorvino.] It is complete at 55,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Note to EE: The title comes from the first suspects the police have for the murders, the former students of the first murdered teacher, who was a special ed teacher.

 [Who do you like for the murder, detective?

Former students is my guess.

But the former students are autistic.

Yeah but their teacher once got them to confess to writing on the walls, so I figure we can get them to confess to this and be done with it.]

She, along with the principal of the school, conspired to blame incidents on the students that they didn't do. And also of one of the other suspects in the murders, the janitor at the school, who was involved in sexual abuse scandals earlier in his life and may have abused some of the students.




Notes

I don't see why the police would suspect one of the students of the first murdered teacher, unless that person was also a student of the other murdered teachers. The motive for killing your teacher is not the same as the motive for killing random teachers.

Focus on the case. We don't need to know what happens on Saturday nights or that John's girlfriend is pregnant.


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...How many sex abuse scandals before you become persona non grata at the school gate?

Well, Ian Huntley racked up quite a few before murdering two twelve-year-old girlswho attended the school he and his girlfriend worked for. Seems the police didn't pursue the cases with particular vigour or even bother to pass on information to other forces, hence the incidents never appeared on Huntley's record. His past never even got so far through the system as to be labelled 'chequered'.

Which does go to show it can happen, even in a country as paranoid about child abuse as this one.

Time and again I've seen agents say, 'don't tell me in the query that your story is x; show me that your story is x' where x, in this case, would be gripping. This query is a bit wordy in my opinion, and that isn't really the soul of gripping. It needs to be a lot tighter and faster-moving.

arhooley said...at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him.
As if investigating a murder won't bring him into contact with someone who might cuss him out? As if there's no "garbage" to sort through in a murder case?

I sense that you're trying to convey hard-boiled and cynical, but either you've miscategorized things or you've given me a cop who is annoyed with his job of protecting and serving, who actually dreads the streets -- someone who would rather be a pathologist at the city morgue. I'd change that wording.


Dave Fragments said...In the State of Pennsylvania, all employees of schools, day care facilities, volunteers at schools, and anyone who wants to be left alone with a student, has to get two pieces of paper from the State. One says they aren't a child molester and the other says they've never been arrested or convicted.
A Janitor with a history? The Principal would lose his/her job in seconds, without doubt. So make sure that part of the story is credible.


Joe G said...I feel like generally, in a mystery, you don't really guess about the identity of the murderer if you don't have any suspects. The suspects you give are former students and the janitor.

This is too generic and your main character doesn't have a personal dilemma. It sounds like an episode of Law and Order (complete with sidekick detective and spunky girl detective). I'm sorry but you haven't made the story sound especially compelling to me.


no-bull-steve said...Agree about "gripping". If you've gone through the query and I'm (or an agent is) gripped, then you don't need to say it. If s/he/we are not, then saying it makes your "telling" even worse.
I think you're on the right track with the opening. Stick with present tense. Focus on the case.


vkw said...I had exactly the same problem as Dave about the janitor. In order to work for any school these days a criminal background check with fingerprints is necessary.

But then I backed up a bit and considered the janitor could have been investigated but as long as he was never charged. It could work.

I'm also wondering why three detectives are on the one case? Then I had the problem with who in their right mind would accuse a student with special needs with murdering a teacher? What kind of motive is, "because they forced the students to confess to things they didn't do."

It's a weak motive and the suspected students are unrealistic suspects.

Anyway, start with the case and leave the details out about the detective and his co-workers.


BuffySquirrel said...This news story gives details of all the offences Ian Huntley was allegedly involved in before he took on a janitorial role at a school, two of whose pupils he later murdered.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3313501.stm

The idea that such a man could never become a janitor is, sadly, mere wishful thinking.


alaskaravenclaw said...Wishful thinking, perhaps. But realistic thinking, if the story is set in the U.S. The Ian Huntley case was British.

Here in the U.S., anyone who wants to work in the public schools has to have a background check. If the police officer in the story, Harry, has access to the data that the janitor has a record, then, ipso facto, the janitor would never have passed the background check.

But that's not really the point. The point is that the query raised the question. Take it in combination with all the other questions raised. The net effect is a lack of confidence in the story. No willing suspension of disbelief.

This author needs to practice, practice, practice.

Face-Lift 1153

Guess the Plot

The Lair of the Twelve Princesses

1. I know it's blindingly obvious that the title's a reference to a calendar, but Prince Ydloown doesn't know that, so let's see how far along I can string him, OK?

2. The Vatican has rejected Jack's petition to join the priesthood. The Pope cites Jack's proclivity to do any Royal within arms reach as the reason. Now a King wants Jack's head and eleven others want him dead. The beanstalk is starting to look more tasty everyday.

3. Sean thought the book's title was interesting enough, and after he opened it twelve lovely ladies were at his service. Every night after midnight they pulled him in, but they forgot to tell him about their jealous master with red eyes.

4. King Croody has discovered a new and entertaining means of selecting his successor. His twelve daughters enter the lair... And only one will emerge.

5. Bay will be executed if she can't solve the mystery of how many princesses can dance on the head of a pin (twelve). Should she use one of the three wishes she's been granted by her imp in a bottle to get her out of this? Or should she save the wishes for a real emergency?

6. Each hour, from noon to eleven PM, a different princess emerges from the lair of the twelve princesses, and says nothing. After which Prince Rupert has until midnight to choose his bride, the future queen. It's kinda like The Bachelor, but he doesn't have to talk to them.





Original Version

[Author's note: This isn't a query, but jacket copy for a short story I'm re-releasing soon. Similar idea, so I thought the minions might have some solid advice. (And if the queue's empty, it's better than nothing.)]


Recently discharged from the losing side of a war that claimed her homeland, [When I think of the losing side in a war, I think of a country rather than an army, so "discharged from" doesn't sound right.] Bay has nothing to show for her service but the clothes on her back, a bad leg, and a sardonic imp in a bottle who's more harm than help. When she comes across an open call for investigators into a royal mystery, she thinks its rewards might be enough to reverse her fortunes. But everyone involved in this strange curse seems determined that the secret stays hidden--including its "victims". [You speak of "this strange curse" as if we know all about it. You haven't mentioned a curse. Is the strange curse the same as the royal mystery? Same with "the secret." What secret?]

Luckily, Bay has a trick up her sleeve. Her imp owes her three wishes, and is desperate to grant them. She's been hoarding his magic for an emergency, [She was just on the losing side in a war that claimed her homeland, but that wasn't enough of an emergency to warrant using even one of her three wishes?] but it might be time to cash in: if she cannot solve the mystery of the dancing princesses in three nights, she'll be executed the following dawn. [When they put out this open call for investigators, was the execution clause buried in the fine print, or is that a new development?]

This 9000-word novelette first appeared in InterGalactic Medicine Show in January 2012. This ebook edition includes two bonus stories [Set in the same world?] and an essay. [An essay? I was on the fence, but now I must have this.]


Notes

You could open: With nothing to show for her three years of military service but  the clothes on her back, a bad leg, and a sardonic imp in a bottle who owes her three wishes, Bay is seeking a way to reverse her fortunes.

That increases the space with which you can tell us about the mystery/curse/secret. You don't have to give everything away, but just tossing out the words mystery, curse and secret isn't intriguing enough.

Of course this also puts into the first paragraph the problem that was previously in the second, namely, there's no explanation of why Bay doesn't reverse her fortunes through imaginative use of her three wishes rather than by trying to solve the mystery of the dancing princesses, with death as the price of failure. Presumably there are major limitations on her wishes?

Strip 2.09

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Evil Editor Classics

Strip 2.08

Click strip to enlarge.

Evil Editor Classics

There's a limit to how many old Face-Lifts I can label "classics" and post on weekends or days when there are no queries or openings in the queues. So it's time I started using old films or openings or cartoons or ads. Or alternating them.

Strip 2.07

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Face-Lift 1152

Guess the Plot

A Cuckoo by the Window

1. General Mills waits, staring outside. His country's at war, his soldiers are starving and millions of hermetically packaged MREs that don't get soggy in milk and contain a full day's nutrition, remain uneaten. A mascot is needed, but whom? The clock strikes midnight.

2. The parrot in Martha's favorite shoe store shouts profanities when she shops there, so one night she breaks in, kills it, and replaces it with a more polite bird. Parrots and cuckoos sound the same anyway.

3. Oh, how positively inviting she looked--that bikini-clad cuckoo that statuesquely stood by the window on W. E. Coyote's porch. All that gave the ploy away was the return address on the discarded packaging that read "Acme Adult Novelties."

4. When Charles Radcliffe finds his wife and her lover in a motel room bathtub and kills them, he realizes he's at the top of the list of murder suspects. Can he convince the jury it was an accident? Or will the cuckoo who witnessed the whole thing rat him out?

5. Compared to tattoos and genital piercing, straitjackets don't hurt. Staring through the one-way window waiting for her mom to claim her from the psych ward, Yalta laments her life. Being thirteen shouldn't suck this bad.

6. How much is that Cuckoo by the Window
The one with pretty red eyes?
How much is that Cuckoo by the window
With the pinecones, chalet, and Swiss guy?

I must have that Cuckoo by the Window
I'll wind it all up every day
I'll buy that Cuckoo by the Window
I must hear what he has to say

I bought the Cuckoo by the Window
At home it gave me a fright
For out of that Cuckoo came a Swiss toe
And then came the rest of the guy

I keep my Cuckoo from the window
The one with the secret inside
My Cuckoo will never leave my home now

It keeps my Swiss lover inside.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

Two lovers lie upon one another, [A neat trick if you can pull it off. Usually if one is upon, the other is beneath.] the cold embrace of death making their tangled bodies white as they floated [We've switched from present tense to past already?] in the cooling waters of a bathtub, while a husband stumbles [Back to present, and still in sentence 1.] out of a dark motel room, his mind reeling with past guilt. [If, as I suspect, the husband has just killed his spouse and his spouse's lover as they were enjoying a hot bath, I doubt their bodies have already become noticeably whiter or that the water has become noticeably cooler. And the husband's mind would probably be reeling more with current guilt than past guilt.] [Actually, the thoughts with which my mind would be reeling are That'll show her. She never let me in the same room when she was taking a bath, but this asshole's in the tub with her? Hmm, I'm sure to be suspect number one, but no jury would convict me under these circumstances. Or would they? If it's a jury of my peers, they'll all be assholes. I better head for the airport and catch a flight to Addis Ababa before the maids find the bodies in the morning. But first I better cancel the TV Guide subscription.] [Note that not only was my mind not reeling with past guilt, (This never would have happened if I'd remembered to put the toilet seat down more often.), but it wasn't even reeling with present guilt. Step 1: Get away. Step 2: Pretend to feel guilty.] A Cuckoo by the Window, a dark literary drama of 35,186 words, [That's awfully short. 35,000 words will fill 140 pages, which will require 70 sheets of paper. If you pile 70 sheets of paper on top of each other, they'll reach all the way to the top of your mouse pad. In the bookstore your book will get lost between the surrounding books:

Fortunately, most books aren't bought in bookstores, and Amazon doesn't include spine width among a book's stats, but unfortunately, agents haven't caught on to this yet, and they will spot that "35,000" even if you bury it at the bottom of the page.] is a story where a life time [lifetime] of secrets are uttered to an almost-stranger, [I would never tell all my secrets to a stranger, but an almost-stranger is a different story.] lies are uncovered to the ones they hurt most, old and new betrayals are laid bare and a happy life is bought by an unacknowledged good deed. [That's all vague. We want specific information.]

When Charles Radcliffe, the richest man in Silver River, falls for his suspicions and tries to find out why his soon-to-be ex-wife was lying to him, [About what?] a series of inexplicable events lead to his killing both her and her lover by accident, and with almost no one to witness the deed. [Almost no one? How many witnesses do they need? Was the witness the almost-stranger? Or was the witness a cuckoo by the window?] [Actually, if he killed them in a motel room bathtub, it's hard to believe there was even one witness. Was there a fourth person in the bathroom, sitting on the john? Also hard to believe it was an accident. You walk into a motel bathroom, discover your wife in the tub with another guy, and you accidentally kill them both? Sure, I believe it was an accident, but I'm not on the jury.] Why did a wife who had long been separated from her husband feel the need to hide her lover from him? [If they're long-separated and soon-to-be ex, why would she feel the need to tell him about her lover? Unless it's to flaunt him in her husband's face.] And are the accidents that kept [keep] happening in the small, sleepy town truly what they seem? Or is there some shadow in the darkness pulling all the strings that lead to death? In this book, you will find the answers to these and more questions, [Will I find the answers to my questions? And will I like the answers?] [In any case, learning the answers to questions you ask about your plot is not an incentive to request your manuscript. So you may as well answer them in the query.] when secrets begin to uncover, spilling lives in their wake.

My name is Osman Walela, and I currently live in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

In closing, I want to thank you for your time and consideration. I chose to send you my query because you represent/represented Kaui Hart Hemmings who made me want to write this book in the first place and whom I like to think has influenced my work. And, at last, I want to remind you that the full manuscript of my book is available upon request.


Notes

Your grasp of the language is admirable if this is not your native language, but the subtleties of English can take an almost-lifetime to master, and you aren't there yet. I can tell this from the use of such phrases as "falls for his suspicions," "secrets begin to uncover," and "spilling lives." It's perfectly clear what you mean by these phrases, but they're slightly off. Thanks to Google and Google+ I was able to look at the opening paragraphs, which suffer from the same problem. If you were getting on in years I would recommend a reliable editor, but as you are still young, I recommend (assuming English is the language you wish to write in) reading as much as you can and perhaps taking some advanced classes and finding an online critique group.

As for the query, it needs to tell us the story, not just intrigue us with a few elements of the story. Possibly this means telling us how Radcliffe killed his wife and her lover, and what he and the authorities are doing as a result. Is he on the run? In jail? What are these accidents? Who bought a happy life, and with what good deed? If these are key plot points, tell us about them. If they aren't, don't mention them.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Star Bear Odyssey

1. Micro- brewer Dave Fitzsimmons thinks he's found a winning name for his secret lager. He dreams of hitting it big. Then there's a mistake at the printer. Hilarity ensues.

2. A space bear travels to Earth and meets a tragic end, but his cells serve as the building blocks of life on our planet. Written entirely in haiku.

3. Sam and Belle Star, horse and cattle rustlers, stop in a bar where a depressed stockbroker says there’s a bear market at the Chicago Exchange. So the Star gang raid Missouri and Iowa zoos, stealing bears and herding them toward Chicago.

4. When Olga Petrovna, the lead bear in the Moscow Circus's bicycle act, is kidnapped by a rival ringmaster, plucky 11-year-old acrobat Ivan Ivanovich must cross Siberia to far off Irkutsk to recover her.

5. A crew of astronauts set out on the most dangerous mission ever, a voyage from Mizar in Ursa Major (The Great Bear) to Polaris in Ursa Minor (The Little Bear). Apparently they're obsessed with bears, although this is carrying it a bit far.

6. Seventeen-year-old Kendra Langton sets out to follow the path of Odysseus in her sailboat, Star Bear. It's supposed to be an educational vacation, but when she encounters Charybdis and then gets attacked by a Cyclops, she realizes she's in for rough sailing. Could Circe be behind this?

7. Every solstice, Grock the centaur makes the pilgrimage to the Ring of Stones to learn about his destiny from the Star Bear. This year, his oracle is silent and Grock needs to find out why the stars' voices have been stilled.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Attached please find my 523 word very haiku horror picture story for all ages, [If it's haiku, we don't need a word count; we need a syllable count.] [Not sure what the word "very" is modifying. Very haiku? As opposed to somewhat haiku? Would a somewhat haiku book be written using a lower percentage of haiku, or would it just have some inferior haiku, like with eight syllables in the middle line?] The Star Bear Odyssey. You mentioned that you would be interested in seeing it. [Note to self: Henceforth no more than two beers per night at a writers conference.]

The crash-landing of another traveller, expelled from his own star, rudely interrupts a small water bear space traveller’s journey. [These strings of modifiers (very haiku horror picture, small water bear space) don't help your cause, partly because they seem like randomly chosen words.] [Here's a haiku I just composed using your word-string method:

Small water bear space
Very haiku horror pics
Charge tennis cow spring.

Is that what the haiku in your book are like?]

The empathetic star bear is glad to receive company and agrees to take care of the foundling. A tale reminiscent of a twining of Roald Dahl’s dark humor and Poe’s psychological distress unfolds.

[Edgar Allan Poe
And Roald Dahl entwining.
Wackiness ensues.]

On one level it is a simple story of survival. On another level it is about depression, abuse, and the betrayal of trust.

[Depression, abuse,
And the betrayal of trust.
Sounds like a downer.]

The outcome is necessarily tragic, but also a pyrrhic victory, in that the star bear’s cells serve as a fragile evolutionary bridge on earth. Panspermia is an unlikely but possible scientific theory for the sustenance of life on earth. [For those who don't want to look it up, panspermia is the theory that sperm from a star bear traveled through space until it encountered the egg of an Earth mammal, resulting in the creation of Yogi Bear.]

I wrote the book during a period of severe depression, for which it served as a kind of catharsis. I have had it edited professionally by Hat Trick Rooster, a published Xanaduian poet. [I Googled the words Xanaduian poet but Google insisted I meant Canadian poet. I guess that means they never heard of a poet from Xanadu. (Personally, I'm surprised they've heard of any poets from Canada.) Then I Googled Hat Trick Rooster and got this 1961 Australian ad for Red Rooster's Hawaiian Hat Trick box of food.] [I had no idea Australian ads were as annoying as American ads. "Chunks and chips." That sounds appetizing.] [Does a haiku author really need a haiku editor? Haiku are only about eight words long. I guess the editor can confirm that each line has the right number of syllables. And some words do have questionable syllabic totals. For instance, Xanaduian. If you pronounce it Zan a du ee an it's five syllables, but if you pronounce it Zan a du yen it's four. If I were writing a haiku, I'd go with four syllables. Otherwise it takes up the entire first line. To illustrate, compare these haiku:

Xanaduian dome
Brings pleasure to Kublai Khan
But not to students.

Xanaduian.
It describes Rooster Hat Trick,
Whoever that is.

As haiku, they're equally great, but the first one has more words. That's the point I'm trying to make.] [Wild guess: Xanaduian TV ads are less annoying than Australian TV ads.]

I am at a loss as to what type of publication (other than/self-publishing) it might appeal to. (which I won't mention) [I agree that it's a mistake to mention in a query that you believe self-publishing is your best bet.]

I am an artist and aspiring illustrator-author, an avid reader, and fascinated by the evolution of books, reading and technology. The illustrations for Star Bear are done on smooth, bleed proof paper in mixed media. The haikus are written in calligraphy as part of each illustration. I found the physical act of handwriting in itself therapeutic. [I don't even remember how to perform the physical act of handwriting.]

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Maybe this would be a hit in Japan. Or maybe it would be cool for teachers to use when covering poetry in elementary school.

Clearly you need to include sample pages so editors can judge the quality of the art, calligraphy and haiku. If they like what they see, they will probably want a lot more of the story than you provide here. The mention of horror/Poe/Dahl leads me to believe there's a plot. Are the bear and the foundling the only characters? What happens when they get here? What's this about betrayal? Summarize the story. Then add:

Haiku book, complete
With space bear illustrations.
Request manuscript?


Selected Comments

150 said...If you're going to keep querying this, my advice is to ask librarians for scary picture books and query those publishers after taking all the unprofessional hemming and hawing out of your query. But my actual advice is to scan this and publish it on the Internet for free as a webcomic. You won't make any money, but it could really find an audience (and if it does and you're desperate to feel it in your hands, that could justify a short self-published print run or just putting it onto CafePress.)

An example of an awesome dark webcomic: http://emcarroll.com/comics/faceallred/01.html


Anonymous said...As mentioned, maybe the best option would be self-publishing. However, do NOT do what 150 says until you have tried other options and found them unworkable.

Do your homework on the self-publishing option, which has numerous alternatives for illustrated work that don't work very well for a prose-only project. Also, depending on how long it is, some literary magazines you can find on the duotrope site take submissions of work like this 'graphic stories' or whatever they call it and although they generally do not pay anything, they do have an audience and getting a publication credit is better than throwing your first rights away.

You can also figure out how to print and bind it yourself as a small edition, then submit it to calls for artist books, and/or places like the Minnesota Center for Book Arts. If you are in the USA, have a look at the kickstarter website and consider funding/selling it as a kickstarter art book project. Something like Amazon's createspace might also be a good option, but it probably won't get noticed there unless you have some way of promoting the book to lots of potential readers.


Laurie said...150 beat me to it - my first thought was that this should be posted on-line as a webcomic, and then, if there's enough interest, self-pub a hard copy. On-line comics artists find the free version acts as advertising for the print version and builds up an audience.

I'm not a poetry fan, or a depressing ending fan, but this actually intrigues me. If you do continue with querying it, maybe a line or two more about what actually happens might help. Good luck.


Author said...
Ah, could I but make it to the hallowed halls of the hemming= and hawingless Classics. I feel inspired instead to develop plot #5. I'm not sure that would lead to a blissful ending either. I have looked at the self-publishing options- so many, it's confusing. Thank you all for your most excellent suggestions. I enjoyed the emcarroll webcomic. Maybe I should go with a creative commons free ebook on something like smashwords. That wouldn't be the best for the artwork though, since one cannot upload files larger than 5MB. Thanks again; let the adventure continue...


Dave Fragments said...Please remove the word "Panspermia" from any mention in your query or in the picture book. I somehow think that a picture book for kids will never succeed with that word in it or as a description of what happens in it.

Children's books can be dark or (in my case there was one) controversial (I can't tell you the problems "Walter the Farting Dog" caused me, honest) but they need to be appropriate age-level language and of a single concept.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Not a hoax, then? Okay. Some form of self-publishing is for you, author. But if you decide to try the traditional route and query, look up "pyrrhic victory".


Wilkins MacQueen said...Google "Haiku publishers" for starters. There is a long list of publishers accepting submissions for you to research.


Whirlochre said...Are you sure this all fits into a 523 word story? You could easily spend 300 words detailing the small water bear space traveller's outfit — 200 if it was naked (which would leave 100 for the fur).

Your main problem is all the negativity and fluff, none of which agents will find endearing (even if they are big interstellar bear fans).

So lose the depression and the being at a loss — and the levels. With only 523 words, you can't possibly have levels.

Also, don't mention the Xanaduian poet. Makes you sound crazier than he/she/it is. That said, if this poet is a bear, a mention would add kudos.


Evil Editor said...Sample pages may be viewed at Amazon.com.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Final Clue

1. At last it is revealed: Colonel Mustard did it on the billiard table with Miss Scarlett.

2. First it was just Mr. Boddy. But now Mrs. White's disappeared, Professor Plum's got a nasty lump on his head, and Mrs. Peacock's been reduced to a quivering lump of terror. This is no game.

3. Nancy Drew has been retired for a decade, but when she receives a mysterious letter she’s on the case again. If the letter is real she may finally one-up her nemeses’, the Hardy Boys.

4. In the final showdown, it's Bugs Meany vs. Encyclopedia Brown, and this time Sally isn't there to save the random-fact-spouter's bacon.

5. Someone is leaving death-threat poems on Gina's front door. Is it the serial killer known as . . . "The Rhymester"? Maybe, but Gina hasn't rejected the possibility she has a secret admirer.

6. What really happened to Bob's pet chicken? Well, the bloody hatchet in the dishwasher is the first thing that gets Bob to thinking. But the discovery of his wife's shopping list, which includes eleven herbs and spices, is what gives him . . . the final clue.

7. Jeremy and Rachel are this close to winning the house of their dreams from magazine Cedar Rapids Today. They've solved all the puzzles, met all the requirements, and jumped through all the hoops. Now all they need is . . . The Final Clue.

8. Jim is convinced he's cracked a code hidden in the Old Testament for centuries, namely that the saga of Abraham isn't really about him, but is the story of Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten. Now Mossad, al Qaeda and the Vatican are after him.

9. Detective Clavoue knows cases remain unsolved until the final clue is found. So he ignores all the early clues in a desperate search for the final one. Will the "Clavoue Method" revolutionize criminology?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

FBI agent Gina Russo: A tenacious investigator, but a woman so scorned, she swore off men.

A career criminal presumed dead, devastated over his brother’s life incarceration: Ignites revenge.

[An aspiring author: submits query letters that don't have actual sentences/ Overconfident; invites rejection.]

An egotistical agent assigned to assist Gina, wonders what the hell he ever did that karma would bite him in the ass: Frustrated; dealing with her is more than he ever signed on for.

[An editor so evil he'd rather watch TV than read oddly punctuated fragments and run-ons: New shredder needs breaking in; works fine, just in time for Mad Men.]

She’s fueled like never before when she’s challenged to solve clues [Technically, you solve puzzles, mysteries, crimes; clues are what you gather in order to do the solving.] in the bizarre poems arriving at her front door. It’s imperative that she learns the man’s identity [What man? The career criminal? The poet? Are the poems signed? If not, how does she know it's a man?] to bring his ass down [When I write poetry to a woman, I'm generally hoping for a different reaction out of her than trying to bring my ass down.] for not only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey Zicara, the agent assigned as her partner, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone. [There are plenty of women who wouldn't mind Joey Zicara entering their . . . comfort zone.]

Gina and Joey scramble to unravel the mystery of the rhymester’s twisted vendetta against her, before time runs out. [Are you calling him a rhymester instead of a poet because you think his poems have no literary value? If so, do you feel they have no literary value because they rhyme? Because they include death threats? What makes you an authority on poetry? Here's a little test. One of the following death threat poems has the potential to become a literary classic. Which one?

1.
Death. It cometh to us all,
Bringing grief and sorrow.
And yours will surely cast a pall,
For it's happening tomorrow.

2.
I've got some bad news to impart,
So you'd better sit down, Gina.
I'm planning to rip out your heart,
And feed it to my hyena.

Not as easy as you thought, is it? Show us one of his works so we can judge for ourselves.] [Also, if you're gonna call him a rhymester, call him The Rhymester. All killers with gimmicks have cool names. Think The Joker, The Riddler, Polka Dot Man. Frankly, I think "The Poet" sounds more villainous than "The Rhymester."]

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word, character-driven suspense novel set in New York City.

I was born and raised in New Jersey then relocated to South Florida where I’ve been working in law enforcement for 23 years to present time.


Notes

I find it interesting that the query mentions both Joey Zicara's ass and the villain's ass. You might want to work in Gina's ass too, by changing "before time runs out" to "before Gina's ass is grass." In fact, you could even say: I was born and raised in New Jersey then moved my ass to South Florida.

If this is romantic suspense in which Gina and Joey fall in love in the end, say so. And by "in the end," I don't mean "in the ass."

Does anyone get killed? Is the main plot thread two FBI agents race to determine who's writing poems to one of them? I think there should be a stronger hint that lives are on the line. As it stands, the poems could be a practical joke from a fourteen-year-old.

Those first three paragraphs must go. Maybe you could open with one of the poems if they're short. Then you say: So reads the poem FBI agent Gina Russo finds nailed to her front door. She's about to write it off as a prank when she sees that it's signed by the serial killer known as . . . The Poet.

Now that the situation is set up, show us that The Poet means business, and what Gina plans to do about it.


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...Author, I think you need to review the rules on using semi-colons, or simply to stop using them.

This could be a cool story. I like the idea of feeling threatened by poetry. Not so keen on opening with a female character who's defined by her relationships with men.

(EE, don't give up the day job to become a poet; author, consider using the 'ass is grass' line)


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Not just semicolons: Colons, too.

Speaking of colons, EE, I am LOLing. But as for the query:

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Writer, a query has two jobs. The first one, and the biggest, is to entice the agent or editor to want to read the story. You haven't done that because we're not quite sure what the story is.

The second is to convince the agent and editor that you can write in English and that you're not some kind of whack job. Now, you don't come across as a whack job, but you're making a fairly common mistake with the writing-in-English thing. You're trying to impress. You're trying to impress someone who's probably spoken to two National Book Award winners and a Nobel laureate so far this morning.

IOW, you're not going to impress her with your dazzling style. So write simple, ordinary prose. That's all you have to do.

That, and make us want to read the story.


sarahhawthorne said...We need more of the plot, and more of a hook. If all the bad guy does is leave threats on Gina's door, I don't understand why she has to solve clues in the message when it seems like just staking out the house for a week ought to reveal her bad guy. Scary, but something that ought to be pretty straightforward for a law enforcement professional to handle.

I'm also wondering why she doesn't seem to be getting more support from the FBI. Is it just her and Joey working on this? I would think the FBI would come down a lot harder on threats against one of their own.


150 said...That your story incorporates poetry, but the query doesn't give any examples of it, makes me leery. Sturgeon's Law holds true across the board, but poetry is one of those things with the potential to go especially wrong.


batgirl said...I dunno, 150, it probably wouldn't hurt the story any if the poetry was bad - Jack the Ripper's poetry wasn't that good either.


PLaF said...I like the idea of a poetic killer. It calls to mind a villain from the old TV series The Profiler who killed a woman’s husband and then sent her roses. It’s inherently disturbing to be “courted” by such a whacko. I’m concerned that we’ll never see the emotional turmoil the MC will experience. That would be fine if the killer targeted another person and the MC is the dispassionate investigator, but it would be tragic if the MC darts unfeelingly from one clue to the next.

It was impossible to tell what was going on in the first three character introductions. Worse, nothing sparked my interest until you brought up the bizarre poems threatening her life. Definitely lead with that – it’s what sets your story apart.

The MC’s relationship with her partner needs a little more clarification. What’s really fueling their dislike for one another? Does it get in the way of solving the mystery? And why should I care? If this is a character driven story, I’ll have to care.

Lastly, I would rethink calling the villain the “Rhymester”. I kept reading it as the Rhy-mester, which is not even a little scary. EE’s suggestion of “The Poet” gave me chills.


BuffySquirrel said... Maybe the villain is the Rhymer.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Good point, Buffster: -ster is actually a feminine ending, as in Brewster (female brewer) or Baxter (female baker).


Evil Editor said...Don't forget monster (female Jamaican guy).

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Face-Lift 1151

Guess the Plot

Tears of the Phoenix

1. A Phoenix's tears supposedly halt imminent death, and even restore life to the recently dead. That's all well and good, but what Gabrie'Elle really wants to know is: How can she make the bloody bird cry?

2. There are a million stories in the city. But when it's August in southern Arizona, the only one editor Claire Crissly cares about is the one delaying the air conditioner guy.

3. When Asuran's best friend is killed, he must enter The Ruins to solve the crime. But no human can survive in the stagnant magic of The Ruins, especially a blind one. Unless....With the Tears of the Phoenix, Asuran might just pull it off!

4. Jorian's baby sister suffers a mortal wound. While everyone sits around praying, Jorian leaves to climb Mt. Streppe to harness the healing power of a phoenix's tears. He meets many magical creatures on his journey.

5. Televangelist Jimmy Phoenix crashes and burns while leaving the beer store. Affording plastic surgery isn't a problem, considering the donations from the Faithful he's been raking in. Forgiveness could be. He can only pray that a tearful televised repentance will put him in the telecongregation's good graces yet again.

6. The last phoenix's rise from the ashes was prevented due to excessive lacrimal exudate. The resultant imbalance in magical power set a comet on a collision course with Earth. Good thing DJ Shazam packs a hair dryer.



Original Version

I am seeking representation for [a] completed, 117,000 word, fantasy/scifi novel. The Dark Masters: the Tears of the Phoenix is the first book series where humans are no longer the dominant species. [I assume you mean the first book in a series where... You can't possibly believe humans are the dominant species in every book series ever written.] [Besides which, your statement implies that humans are the dominant species when in fact it's the Borg.]

Asuran Stein [Anagram: Satan's Risen!] and Felicia-Maria are Lancers of the Elite, the military might of the world and the sword of the Matriarch. [WHA--? Okay, what you're saying is that these two characters are Lancers of the Elite, whatever that means, and the Lancers of the Elite are the sword of the Matriarch, whatever that means. Got it.] Or, they will be. [WHA--? Okay, what you're now saying is that these two characters are not Lancers of the Elite, whatever that means. Should I trust you that the Lancers of the Elite are still the sword of the Matriarch, whatever that means?] Right now, they're just first year cadets at the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy. [If you call it the Weapons Hocus-pocus Academy its acronym will be WHA--?] There are only two rules: stay out of the ruins and stay alive. In that order. [I find it inconceivable that something called the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy would have only those two rules. There have to be rules against using weapons or sorcery to kill your fellow students. And against cheating on your necromancy test. And let's not forget the first rule of the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy: You do not talk about the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy.]

When his best friend shows up dead, [I'd go with "turns up dead" or "shows up undead." "Shows up dead" sounds like he's arriving somewhere. Wait, is that what they mean by the phrase "Dead On Arrival"?] Stein must battle his festering sorrow to uncover the killer. [You're saying that at the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy, when someone is murdered it's up to a first-year cadet to solve the crime?] His biggest problems? He's human, [Not clear why that's a problem.] he's blind, [Crystal clear why that's a problem.] and the Sovereign don't believe in murder. [The Sovereign? Who are the Sovereign? And whaddaya mean they don't believe in murder? They don't believe it happens? Or they don't accept it as a means of solving all one's problems the way humans do?] [If this book doesn't go anywhere, I recommend starting a mystery series about a blind detective. He's worthless in the field, but his "Watson" brings him evidence with which he solves crimes thanks to his heightened other senses. For instance, "Watson" brings him a sea shell and he feels it and smells it and tastes it and puts it up to his ear to hear the ocean and then announces that the murderer is Spongebob Squarepants.] [Hold everything. Just to make sure someone else hadn't already come up with this idea, I Googled "blind detective" and it turns out there's a Japanese movie by that title soon to be released. Here's the trailer.] [Okay, but I have another idea. This one's for a board game. It's Clue, but in the ocean. The six suspects are Spongebob, Captain Nemo, Prince Namor, Aquaman, Ariel, and Jacques Cousteau. The weapons are spear gun, trident, fishing pole, torpedo, oil spill and trained shark. And the rooms are famous ships that sank. I accuse Aquaman in the Titanic with the spear gun.] [If there can be an Alaska Iditerod version of Monopoly, why not an underwater Clue?]

Meanwhile, Felicia-Maria struggles to understand why they chose her, a maid-of-all-work. [WHA--? Who chose her? The Sovereign? The Academy? The sword of the Matriarch? The Lancers?] When a seemingly innocuous list of medical supplies that could resurrect the illegal science of genetic engineering crosses her desk, she must overcome her desire to wash pots and scrub floors [I think I've solved the mystery of why they chose her. They needed someone to wash pots and scrub floors.] [Although it seems to me a first-year cadet at WHA would have more important duties.] [Even for a maid-of-all-work, I wouldn't think the desire to wash pots and scrub floors would be so strong that overcoming it would be a struggle.] and delve deeper into the murky world of brokering information and secrets. [If a maid can look at this list of medical supplies and determine that it could resurrect the illegal science of genetic engineering, I don't see how the list can be described as "seemingly innocuous." Unless... Is there a post-it note on the front of the document that says: "Bob--here's that list of stuff we need to start our cloning operation."?]

When their searches point them towards the ruins and one another, they must question if the answers they seek are really worth the consequences. Can a human survive in the world of the Sovereign [Is the ruins the world of the Sovereign?] and what place does a maid really have among the Elite? [Maids have always had a place among the elite. As their maids.]

Sincerely,


Note: Since the Query doesn't give it away, the Dark Masters are the only legendary Elite who survived the ruins, while the Tears of the Phoenix are [is] a magic spell that can dispel the stagnant magic of the ruins. [That clears it up. Except for the part about what are the ruins?]


Notes

I'm in favor of hiring those with disabilities, and I realize that Daredevil gets by quite well without being able to see, but would an organization that bills itself as the military might of the world" recruit a blind guy?

Even if a pot-washing floor-scrubbing maid-of-all-work realized the significance of an innocuous list of medical supplies, wouldn't she bring it to the attention of someone higher up the chain of command rather than delving into the murky world of brokering information and secrets?

We don't need to introduce four different (or not different) organizations in the query. One is plenty.

Nearly every sentence in the query inspires questions that aren't answered. Start over. Your setup seems to be this: First-year cadet Asuran Stein must enter the Ruins to solve the murder of his best friend. And fellow cadet Felicia-Maria must enter the Ruins to prevent the resurrection of an illegal genetic engineering program. There's just one problem: The first rule of the Academy is Stay out of the Ruins.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what happens when they team up and enter the Ruins, who tries to stop them, how they plan to get around this, what will happen if they fail.

Note that I capitalized "Ruins." I don't know exactly what they are, but they sound like they've earned a capital "R."

Face-Lift 1150

Guess the Plot

Please Laugh at My Funeral

1. Oh, I will. Believe me, I will.

2. Two years into clown college, Balletina still can't fashion a balloon poodle. Desperate to ace Sight Gags 101, she plans the biggest prank ever. Unfortunately, she tapped the hydrogen tank, instead of helium. Also, angels.

3. Steve plans to kill himself, but to give the people who attend his funeral some hilarious stories to tell about him, he puts off his suicide for a month and does crazy stuff involving homeless guys and penguins.

4. After decades of failure, would-be comedian Eddy Marsh has taken his own life. Five comedians are invited to the wake - only to discover that Eddy has left a few last practical jokes. Deadly jokes.

5. When Crenshaw Comedy Club regular Mickey Mass is found dead holding a suicide note that reads "Please laugh at my funeral," homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Mickey wouldn't have killed himself right before filming his HBO special. And two, he would never have signed his suicide note "Bonzo The Clown."

 6. Manfred is immortal, bloodthirsty, and unashamed, but he wants humans to know he has a soul too. He forms a folk band with a clever name (Please Laugh at my Funeral), but how can he resist biting his adorable bandmates?

7. John is dying. Not in the figurative way that living creatures are dying, but with a brain tumor. Considered the most morose man in the world, John's tumor has tickled his funny bone. After leaving his jobs at the sewer plant and the crematory he started a career in standup comedy. Now, he has one last gig before he slays everyone at the funeral parlor. They will die laughing.



Original Version

Steve is going to kill himself in 30 days. [There has to be a faster way.]

“Please Laugh at my Funeral” is a modern fiction, complete at 51,000 words, [If you put this at the beginning or the end instead of right after you've gotten my attention, you won't have to worry that I'll forget all about ... Whatshisname.] where each chapter is one day in Steve’s life as he desperately tries to ‘feel alive’ before he ends it all. [Usually it's people who desperately want to not feel alive who kill themselves.]

To do this he breaks into the penguin enclosure at the zoo, [That won't make him feel alive; it'll make him feel like an idiot, especially when his friends read the news report.] tries drugs for the first time, [It's better the 2nd time.] blackmails his former boss, [He should kill his former boss. If you're gonna kill yourself, you don't need money. You need the satisfaction of taking someone with you.] sleeps in a homeless commune, [Sleeping with Penelope Cruz would be more life-affirming.] explores religion, [Preferably not one that says eternity in a burning lake is the penalty for suicide.] love, death [He explores death?] and more. [Basically, he's put off his bucket list so long that he has to cram it all into one month, but in his case it's not because his doctor gave him one month to live; it's because he gave it to himself.] [In any case, the key word is "list." Lists are boring, and the longer the list the more boring it gets. This list seems to be a three-word summary of each chapter. Perhaps something like: "To do this he becomes a thrill-seeker (he skydives on meth), a criminal (he kidnaps a penguin and kills a homeless guy), and finally . . .  a philosopher."  . . .would satisfy your need to list stuff while more quickly moving us along to day 30, when something actually happens.]

It all starts to catch up to him as the police begin searching for him and a cult like group called ‘Live with Steve’ start obsessing over his plan. [This cult is the most interesting part of the story. Get rid of the police and expand on the cult (in the book too, if necessary). How do they know about his "plan." Is he blogging his way through the month? Are they eagerly anticipating his death or trying to stop him? Does he meet with them? Are they in most of the chapters or just the last few?]

Quick Biography:

I have written for magazines, newspapers and have written full time for broadcasting companies (including both television and radio.) [I wouldn't call that a biography, but the good news is it was quick.]

Some Publishing Credits: [What's with this sudden trend of labeling the parts of a query letter? I half-expect the next query to start Salutation: Dear Agent,]

Print:
Sharp Magazine
The Bulletin

Broadcast:
Peace River Broadcasting
Vista Radio
Chorus Broadcasting

Online:
Consumerist
Problogger
Techvibes
Tech

[If you have credits that are relevant (published fiction), stick with those. And limit your list to two or three items. Also, listing vertically doesn't make the query seem longer. It just highlights the white space to the right of the list.]


Notes

Is Steve killing himself in 30 days even if his attempt to "feel alive" succeeds? If so, why? If not, then he could change his mind after day 1? For instance, if he goes on the Spiderman ride at Islands of Adventure on day 1, he could develop a renewed will to live. Or if he goes on It's a Small World at Disney World he could off himself before the ride ends. What I'm saying is, Is his goal to find a reason to live or is it to feel alive as much as possible in the 30 days before he kills himself?

Is calling this "a modern fiction" a way of avoiding the criticism that it doesn't hold together as a novel? If there's a logical progression through the 30 days, with Steve learning something about life and himself, tell us about it. If the first 25 days/chapters could be rearranged in any order, it's not a cohesive story.

Once you cut the bio/credits to a couple sentences you'll have plenty of room to tell us what happens in your book, focusing on Steve's character arc rather than listing stuff he does.

Face-Lift 1149

Guess the Plot

A Not So Quiet Hostage

1. After witnessing a murder, Alice Platinum is taken hostage by the murderer. But only for one month. That's as much of Alice as he can stand.

2. It was a simple plan. Kidnap one of the king's daughters, collect the ransom, retire to the tropics. But the princess that bandits Fenton and Bock grab has a terrible secret: she snores. Also, she wants to join their gang.

3. Gwen, drunk and wandering, encounters a real centaur in Adirondack Park. He throws her over his back and ties her up on his bed. They engage in the most interesting acts for weeks until Gwen's abusive husband beats on the door with his rifle.

4. Aid worker Petra is taken hostage by insurgents, beaten daily and threatened with beheading. Her situation seems hopeless until she realizes she can project her thoughts to one of the captors. Can she persuade him to release her? Or will he accuse her of witchcraft, guaranteeing her death?

5. Ax'nat'Henes has seized the Earth as hostage until the Sun returns those comets stolen when the solar system first formed. Since the comets were runaways and not stolen, the Sun has no intention of returning them. And so another 10.9 hits Los Angeles while Earth fights for freedom.

6. Elf twins Talien and Glorian have a great plan for world peace: Capture Dwarf Prince Maggar and hold him hostage. But when the Prince turns out to be a spoiled, petulant drag queen, will they give in to the Dwarf King's demands? Or will they find a way to return the Prince?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A terrible past has haunted a twenty-four year old young lady named Alice Platinum for nearly six years, but when she moved far away to shut away all the lies and gossips, her worst nightmare arose from the blue.

A horrifying death of a young go-go dancer was witnessed by Alice’s eyes, but the guy who killed her was no other than, Jason Hampton; [,] a past high school rival. He had figured out who saw him, [;] before everything becomes exposed he kidnapped Alice and kept her hostage for a month. [Pluperfect, present and past verb forms in one sentence. Impressive.] Now to prevent her from exposing him, Alice was forced to join Jason on his dreadful mission without turning back. Not only is the truth of Jason’s deadly murder [All murders are deadly. Maybe it should be deadly mission and dreadful murder instead of vice versa.] being exposed, [Who is exposing it?] but his luck and faith lies with Alice. [

While the whole world assumes she knows a top secret code; a seven letter word which would open a safe that contains one tiny piece of paper, [Great scenes inspired by that clause:

1. A billionaire, having purchased an impregnable safe in which to keep his bearer bonds, writes the combination on a piece of paper because he's afraid he'll forget it, and then, afraid some criminal will find the piece of paper, locks it in the safe. 

2. Ruthless criminals torture a billionaire for hours until he finally reveals the combination to his safe; they open the safe and there's nothing inside except a slip of paper on which is written the combination.] multiple criminals are after it, [Is the seven-letter word "dolphin"?] [I have no reason to believe it is, but think how amazed the author would be if I got it right.] [....did I?] but one in particular is only after her; Mr. Stollen a massive criminal. [Maybe if he laid off the Stollen he wouldn't be so massive.]

Six Massive Criminals

Fat Tony (The Simpsons)

The Penguin (Batman)

 Mr. Stollen (A Not-so-Quiet Hostage)

Violator (Spawn)

The Slug (Capt. America)

Jabba the Hutt (Star Wars)

Don Corleone (The Godfather)

Now that her past stopped haunting her, Alice’s future lies under Jason’s hand. Alice tries to force her mind to trust him, but all the evidence provided proved her wrong because she is afraid of--- finding out the truth. While an ugly secret becomes exposed, not only about Stollen and Jason’s past rival, but about Alice’s disappearance and taunting past. Now to stop her past from taking over her future, Alice has to figure out what to do, all alone and to listen to all the unbarring truth which has to be revealed. [Possibly the vaguest four-sentence paragraph ever to appear on this blog.]



A Not So Quiet Hostage is a 50,00 word count, mystery novel. [Mystery? What's the mystery? Jason is the murderer and Alice's eyes witnessed it.]


Notes

I get it. Writing is in your blood, and for some reason you've decided to write this book in English. But you don't have the idioms and the punctuation and the word usage down yet. And once you've mastered the conventions, you'll still need to choose specific information that captures our interest, and organize it in a coherent, cohesive summary of your story.

A summary that might address some of the following:

Why is Stollen interested in Alice?

If Alice saw Jason commit murder, wouldn't he flee the country or silence her forever, rather than hold her hostage for one month?

Why does the whole world think Alice knows a top secret code? I don't see why anyone would think that. Who is she?

What is Jason's "mission"?