Q & A 129 My books are too short.

My books always end up forty or fifty percent shorter than I'd like them to be. Do you or the minions have any suggestions for fleshing out a book to proper novel length?


I have the same problem. I've written three novels, all about 50,000 words. I console myself with the knowledge that Mission Earth, by L. Ron Hubbard is 1.2 million words, while Novel Deviations 3 is fewer than 30,000. Which would you rather read?

Here are some ideas I've considered applying to my own novels. Perhaps one or more will work for you:

1. Write an exciting 10,000-word story with the same main character as your novel. You can throw it into the story anywhere, since it's actually a dream. Have the MC wake up from this dream in a cold sweat. The dream should include symbolism that works with the real story. Bonus Tip: Don't open the book with the 10,000-word dream.


2. Make your MC a writer, and include some of her writings. (See The World According to Garp.)


3. Let's say your MC is a plumber. About five chapters into the book you add a scene where he goes to Miss Maxim's house to replace a dishwasher. This allows you to throw in some plumbing knowledge about flanges and saddle valves and gas cocks. Plus they have sex. To keep this from being a totally irrelevant scene, later in the book Miss Maxim is found dead, killed with the pipe wrench in the conservatory. As the pipe wrench is inscribed with the MC's name, he becomes the MS (main suspect). After five or six chapters involving a murder trial, a conviction, and a last-second phone call from the governor, the MS is freed and you pick up the novel where you left off.


4. Put two of your novels together into one book, and call it Dueling Novels. The odd pages are novel 1, and the even are novel 2. The challenge is to read it straight through keeping up with both, though wimps can do one at a time.


5. Describe everything with lengthy metaphors. Example:

Short version (17 words): Shapiro limped into the messy kitchen, put the grocery bag on the counter, and opened the refrigerator.

Long version (75 words): Walking like a duck-billed platypus with a high ankle sprain, Shapiro entered the kitchen, which looked like the aftermath of the Battle of the Ardennes--if it had been fought in a kitchen. He put the grocery bag on the counter like a flight attendant putting a baked chicken and penne dinner onto a dozing man's tray table, and then pulled open the refrigerator door as if it were the gateway to heaven itself.

Not only an extra 57 words, but much more descriptive.


6. Cut mercilessly until you're down to the 3000-word short story your book probably should be.


7. One word: footnotes.

Valentine Chat

This post is where minions may meet to chat tonight. You're welcome to go anywhere else on the blog and comment, but there's no guarantee anyone else will be there. Comment moderation is off so comments should appear right away.

Yikes

Only three more to go, but these three are pretty hot. Maybe I should hold off till the kiddies are in bed?

Face-Lift 490

Guess the Plot

Surrounded by Love

1. Tennis ace Marco Denali hits a major low point in his career, even as his romantic life takes off. Could it be that if he wants to succeed again on the pro circuit, he'll have to sacrifice his passion for ball boy Brad Boyd?

2. Some guys just can't catch a break. All Carl wanted was to die surrounded by love. Instead he's surrounded by scores of screaming passengers.

3. When Elissa lets hunky Garrett move into her house, she has no idea he's going to bring along a mysterious woman who threatens to take away everything Elissa holds dear. Now there's only one way out of this mess: marry Garrett and never have sex with him. Then she's sure to be . . . Surrounded by Love.

4. A band of rogues known as the God Squad has carried on a violent feud with their neighboring sect, the Wise Bunch, for years. When both groups suddenly lay down their weapons, they realize that an alien being is beaming strange calming energy rays at them. There's only one thing to do: they must join together to find a weapon capable of destroying the alien.

5. Annoying Jazmine Jones assaults Henri Voltaire every day with her bleary googoo-eyes, her blown kisses, her insipid giggling, her flowery poetry. Is there no escape? Will Henri be forever . . . Surrounded by Love?

6. Schoolgirl Tara is the only person unaffected by a strange virus that makes the townspeople fall in love with complete strangers. That's the good news. The bad news is that this is going to put a huge damper on her plan to raise holiday money by offering to hug complete strangers for a dollar.

Original Version

Surrounded by Love is Elissa Bellaire’s journey to find inner strength and love. Set in Austin, Texas, Elissa Bellaire [It's your novel that's set in Austin, not Elissa. ] is a woman with secret she plans to keep at all costs. And she’s wondering if she’s lost her mind agreeing to let Garret Chambers move into her big rambling house to live with her and her boys. [We need a connection between those sentences. Is she worried because she thinks Garret will learn her secret if he moves in?] He’s way to good looking and the boys adore him. [No wonder she's questioning her sanity. Why would she want this guy around?]

He’s dangerous all right. He wants her in his bed and sets about accomplishing his goal. But Elissa is resistant to his schemes and finally in desperation he proposes marriage. [Is that how he proposed? "Darling, I'm so desperate to get laid, I'm actually willing to marry you if that's what it takes?" Because I can see how she wouldn't find that very romantic.]

When Garrett [I see he's added a second "t" to his name. I predict that by the end of the query his name will be Garrettio.] causes the woman who can take everything Elissa holds dear, to show up, she is forced to accept a marriage of convenience, she thinks, but Garrett[i] has other ideas, he loves her, he wants her, and he’s going to get her. But that’s when the real problems start. Elissa can’t consummate the marriage for fear of losing everything. [Let me get this straight: she has to marry the guy to keep from losing her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection, but she can't consummate the marriage or she'll lose her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection.] With sexual tension exploding between them, [Sounds a little messy.] Elissa is forced to made a decision, hide the past or find the strength to accept love and the risks involved.

Surrounded by Love is a short contemporary set in Austin Texas [No need to tell us it's set in Austin in both the first and last paragraphs.] with a 60,000-word count. If this query piques your interest, I should be delighted to provide a partial or completed manuscript. [It's the job of the back-cover-copy author to pique the reader's interest. It's your job to make your book sound like a masterpiece of its genre, like the second coming of Christ, if Christ were coming back as a romance novel (ignore previous statement if sending query to radical fundamentalist Muslim editor). Imagine you're a new car salesman, and a customer walks into the showroom. But there are a hundred other car salesmen waiting with you. These other salesmen are trumpeting the engine size and the legroom and the fabulous cup holders and the Corinthian leather of the cars they're trying to unload. But you have your car covered up by a gigantic box. I guarantee this would pique people's interest, but how many would say, "I refuse to purchase any of these other hundred cars until I've test-driven whatever's in that box."] [Actually, this may be a bad analogy, because I suddenly realize that I, myself, would purchase the car in the box sight-unseen, at any price, just to keep someone else from getting it.]


Notes

I assume Elissa's secret is revealed in the book, so why is it being withheld from us? How can we sympathize with her if we don't understand her conflict?

When Garrett causes the mysterious unnamed woman who can cause Elissa to lose everything she holds dear to show up, is he aware she's a threat to Elissa? Does he know Elissa's secret?

Readers don't want you giving away important plot points. Publishers do. Withholding crucial information forces you to be vague. We want specific information about what's going on.

Also, too many errors. Besides the ones I've mentioned already, missing word (a) in sentence 2, to/too, made/make, colon instead of comma after "decision," and the long sentence that opens paragraph 3 needs work.

New Beginning 449

I walked into the lab just in time to see the explosion.

Dreanor stood at our bench, swirling a flask. Spell-bottles and potion phials were spread out to either side of her, and the air around her was tinged greenish. She turned as she saw me, started to smile, and then the flask blew up in her face.

“Dreanor!” I yelled, crossing the cluttered room in three steps. She fell backwards into my arms, still holding the jagged neck of the flask. Her head dropped back, and her eyes rolled to white.

The other researchers were by my side in an instant. “Lay her down,” Iris ordered, pushing empty cardboard boxes, bubble wrap, and a case of preserved lizard skins aside, trying to find some room on the floor. “Right here, put her here.” I did, cradling Dreanor’s head with my hand as I gently eased her to the floor.

“Ouch!” I pulled my hand away as quickly as I could without dropping her, then shaking it. “Her hair’s on fire!”

Funny how I hadn't noticed that. Guess I was too busy noting how her eyeballs rolled to white to notice that her hair was a blazing inferno.

"Get some water!" Iris told me, pushing aside spider remains and rodent bones.

I started to go for a bucket just as the firemen ran through the doors. "Whoa," the first one in yelled. "This looks like a charge of battery."

"I didn't do it," I said. "I told her that her face lit up when she smiled, but would she listen to me? No."

"A real live wire, eh?" the Fire Chief replied. "Douse her with foam, Johnson. This one's an electrical fire."


Opening: Shannon Page.....Continuation: Mignon/Christine Elden

Face-Lift 489

Guess the Plot

Hitting the High Notes

1. Marco knew that becoming one of the sultan's eunuchs would mean he'd never father a child. What he didn't know was that it also meant he would be cast in the role of Lauretta in Puccini's Gianni Schicchi.

2. Carl Fetterling wins a scholarship to Julliard to study voice. But his dreams of singing all the great baritone roles of opera turn upside down when his beautiful teacher presses him to become a countertenor. Hilarity ensues.

3. Unlike many "singers," Georges Jones knows she can't sing to save her life. However, she's been known to kill small animals and fish with the sound of her singing voice. Which gives her an idea. Realizing she can forever rid the world of Paula Abdul, she tries out for American Idol.

4. When failed tenor Roberto Gambini hears a gorgeous, haunting song in the woods, he's instantly enchanted. He must find the amazing singer and bring her to the stage. But how can he, when the singer is Kadrille, a young centaur?

5. Baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi, trying to recover from bad reviews, poses as a kidnapped celebrity running from the environmental kooks known as the Green Socks Gang. Will his ruse win the heart of unemployed Maggie Duncan, or is Pazzazzi singing the wrong tune?

6. Tired of playing just the bass notes, and desperate to get closer to hunky flautist Toby James, symphony tuba player Martha Carlson switches to piccolo. Will Toby fall for Martha once she starts . . . Hitting the High Notes?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Hitting The High Notes: Carl Hiaasen meets Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive).

[How do I hate thy first line? Let me count the ways.

1. It's quite likely that your query is going to be read by a twenty-year-old intern English major who's studied Milton and Keats and who reads romance in her leisurely hours, and who never heard of Carl Hiaason unless she remembers his name from the credits in the movie Strip Tease.

2. She was also two years old when Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive) came out, and if she's seen it at all, the only thing she remembers about it is the cliff dive.

3. Okay, she probably also remembers Brad Pitt.

4. Sans.

5. If she looks up the movie on the Internet, she'll find it's about an Arkansas waitress and a housewife who drive cross-country pursued by federal authorities after killing a rapist. Having looked ahead, I don't see it as the best comparison.]

South Floridian, Maggie Duncan, [Two unnecessary commas in the first four words has me worried I'll be commatose by the end of this.] is flirting with fifty. [She'd have better luck if she flirted with just one! Ba-dum-tsss.] Her hormones wreak havoc. Her job’s outsourced to India and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death when she meets by chance AWOL opera singer Lorenzo Pazzazzi who is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews To pass time during his self-imposed exile, Lorenzo cooks up a scheme to win Maggie’s sympathy, and affection. Posing as a kidnapped celebrity on the run from [How can he be both kidnapped and on the run? Also, I'm picturing this guy as built like Pavarotti, in which case if he's on the run, he'll be easy to catch.] a kooky ransom-seeking environmental group, The Green Socks Gang, the bad-boy baritone leads Maggie on quite a chase. [Is she chasing him, or running with him? In either case, why?] She figures out [exposes] his ruse, however, with help from her best friend [Ah, Louise finally shows up. I was beginning to think it should just be Carl meets Thelma.] and turns the tables, meeting “a potential keeper” along the way.

Thanks for your time and consideration of this completed 90,000 plus lady-lit with strong romantic elements. I am a member of RWA. Hitting The High Notes finaled in the adult genre category of PNWA’s 2006 Literary contest.

Sincerely


Notes

I assume the romantic elements involve Maggie and the "potential keeper." If you're selling this as lady-lit with romantic elements, you might want to tell us more about the "keeper."

I'd also like to know more about Maggie turning the tables. You've given us the set-up: an opera singer meets a bereaved, unemployed woman and, inexplicably wanting her affection, inexplicably pretends to be the target of environmental terrorists. The story we want to hear, and which you've left plenty of room to tell us, is how Maggie dumps this clown and ends up with Mr. Right. At least temporarily.

That really long sentence is bothersome. I'd start:

South Floridian Maggie Duncan is flirting with fifty. Her hormones are wreaking havoc; her job’s been outsourced to India; and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death. She and her best friend Louise spend all their time watching Nurse Betty over and over.

Bad-boy baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews. During a self-imposed exile to South Florida, he chances to meet Maggie, who is fascinated by the overwhelming number of "z"s in his name.

You can take it from there.

Is there some way to make it clear why being on the run from environmental kooks would make one seem more attractive to a woman?

New Beginning 448

Samantha shivered and wrapped her jacket tighter. The moonless night was perfect for their escape plans. Except Roland was still in solitary. The lockdown window was two feet above her head. She jumped up, but couldn’t see into the cell. “Roland?”

Roland reached through the bars. “Take them and go.” He opened his fingers.

Samantha caught the rusty ring of keys. “But these are yours. You found them.” Reaching up, she twined her dirt-encrusted fingers with his. “I can’t leave you.”

“You have to, Samantha.” Roland shook off her fingers. “The Farmers pick new breeders tomorrow. Your time’s up.”

“But you’ll be alone.”

Roland chuckled. “Can you imagine those Farmers doing work? They’ll buy more slaves.”

“But…”

“No more buts,” Roland said. “It’s my fault I’m in here. Have to learn to keep my mouth shut.”

“Oh, Roland. I love that you stand up to them.” Samantha turned away.

Safely out of earshot, she flipped open her cell phone. “Jessica, I got the keys to the Ferrari . . . No, no, he’s off in some fantasy land. Roots meets The Shawshank Redemption or something. Last time he was Zorro, and he was out of it for a week . . . I know I should, but . . . he's got a Ferrari. See you in an hour and . . . PARTY!”


Opening:: Sarah.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 488

Guess the Plot

Dark is the Wrong Color of Night

1. Evan is a vampire with a problem--he can feed--and live--only by day. Unfortunately he loves Persephone, a more traditional vampire. They say opposites attract, but can these latent lovebirds overcome the barriers keeping them apart?

2. In the city of Colora, artist Tristin Periwinkle has made his name thanks to magic paint that allows his landscapes and animals to come to life. But when rival artist Orvin Brown steals the paint and creates a monster that threatens the lives of everyone else in Colora, it's up to Tristin to save the day. Also, frogs.

3. Design guru Oliver Stuart regrets taking the job decorating Lady Pertwhistle's country house. Every color he suggests is wrong, blue is so last season, and "Dark is the wrong color of night." He's ready to quit--until he meets Lord Pertwhistle. Trying to balance an impossible client and a new romance, can Oliver find the perfect hue for the drawing room? Or is pink the wrong color of butch?

4. Trudy Hench's new play about life on the bright side of the moon offends two of the lesser gods who obstruct her production with minor plagues in the form of large black spiders which are impossible to kill and intermittent bouts of irrational lust for the guy who plays "Waiter."

5. Danger and romance galore await students at Polaris Academy, the most northerly art school in the world, when a giant floe unexpectedly breaks away and the entire "solstice ice-scape" painting class heads toward the pole. Will this band of misfits and geniuses keep the igloo warm together, or will they argue over the color of ice until they freeze?

6. When Jedi master Yoda takes over the Jeopardy! franchise, questions and answers turn inside out and ratings plummet. Can the producers right the sinking ship before Yoda turns to the Dark Side to recover his place in prime-time?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Following is my query letter for Dark is the Wrong Color of Night, a humerous fantasy. [Whether you mean a funny fantasy or a fantasy about an arm bone, a typo in the first sentence is never good.] [Actually, while humorous fantasies are a dime a dozen, a humerus fantasy would be truly original. An archaeologist on a dig in Britain finds Merlin's humerus and uses it to destroy the world or to get chicks. A bullied kid finds a magical humerus and uses it to make his tormentors pay. There are a thousand ways to go. I'm considering assigning a humerus writing exercise.] The title comes from the fact that everything in the novel, people's names, the city's name, the clothes people wear, all relate in some way to a specific color. [I considered the possibility that this paragraph wasn't part of the query, and was here only to explain the title, but it's the only place that mentions the title, so we'll assume it's part of the query.]

When Merlin Tristin Periwinkle's license to practice Magic is revoked by the Magician's Union both for flubbing a spell--which exposed the Mayor's affair with his cook--and filling the courtroom with frogs during the ensuing trial, he thinks his life is over. But it's only just beginning [, for he now wields the enchanted humerus of Magenta].

Returning to his previous occupation as an artist, Tristin is certain he has an advantage. His newly amended license allows him to both purchase and use already enchanted items, such as paint. Now he's able to paint landscapes and animals that come to life. But only if the paint cooperates and he doesn't lose his voice. [Why would he lose his voice? Also, if you're not going to tell us what losing his voice has to do with it, better not to mention it at all.] [Also, if Tristin isn't the only person who can purchase magic paint, the world would be filling up with painted landscapes that would be on top of each other.] [What happens if you get a map of the Earth and paint water all over it with magic paint? Does everyone drown?

Though eventually Tristin succeeds in making a name for himself, [As an artist? If the pig you painted becomes a living pig, is the pig considered a work of art? Or a source of bacon?] not everyone rejoices at his success. One artist in particular, Orvin Brown, craves that fame for himself and will do anything to get it, including stealing the magic paint. But Orvin is ill-equipped to handle such a fickle, troublesome substance and makes some grievous errors. When he mixes Magic paint with normal paint, he creates a monster that threatens not only his life, but the lives of everyone in Colora. Unable to handle the monster himself, he turns to Tristin for help.

Now, hounded by a Magic Inspector intent on arresting him for the illegal use of Magic, Tristin and Orvin must unite to destroy the rampaging painting before Colora is destroyed for the eighth, and possibly final, time. [Should that be "arresting them"? If not, it should be, Tristin must unite with Orvin. Actually, it probably should be Orvin must unite with Tristin. Who does the inspector want to arrest? Seems to me Orvin is the one who illegally used magic.]

Notes

Explaining the title, you said the city's name related to a specific color. But Colora doesn't sound especially specific. (Unless we're talking about a specific disease.) Also, what's this about the people's clothes relating to specific colors? Do Orvin and everyone in his family wear only brown clothes? Are there people stuck wearing nothing but lime green?

Speaking of the title, must I point out the obvious, namely that dark is the right color of night?

It would help to know the intended audience. As described, it seems like a book for kids, except for the part about the mayor's affair with the cook. Will adults go for a book in which everyone's last name is a color in the city of Colora? Or will they think it's kind of lame?

On the other hand, everyone's last name is a color in the board game Clue and adults play that. Maybe you could change Brown and Periwinkle to Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum, and get some cross-over sales.

Am I the only one here who had a thing for Miss Scarlet when he was a teenager? Miss Scarlet in the billiard room with the rope. Mmmm.

Valentine Dinner 6

I had the ring in my pocket; my plan was to pop the question over dessert--if I could wait that long. And the setting was as perfect as the joy in Helen's eyes . . . until he walked in.

270 pounds of flab in a suit that looked like he'd worn it every day for two years. Wheezing from his cab-to-front-door stroll like he'd just run a marathon. Hair like an abandoned bird's nest. In retrospect, I should have asked for a new table when he was seated next to us.

The staff was all over him like he was some hotshot movie star. Orson Wells, only bigger and more full of himself. "No menu," he said. "Bring me Scotch, a whole bottle. Tomato bisque. And a deep-fried leg of lamb." He moaned loudly as the waiter ran off. Then he looked at me and said, "What are you looking at, loser?" To Helen he said, "You can do a lot better than this fuck, honey."

Mercifully, his bottle of Scotch arrived, distracting him. He chugged a quarter of the bottle and then grunted like a rutting water buffalo. Helen was looking at him with pure disgust, like he was some mutant hog who'd just climbed out of a vat of raw sewage.

The gargantuan slob took another swig and howled like a wolf as his soup arrived. He groaned and fell face-forward into the tomato bisque and came up looking like the angry sunburned ass of a Hamadryas baboon. I glanced at Helen. She was heaving like a dog preparing to puke up the roadkill possum it ate two days ago.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a devastatingly handsome gentleman with muttonchops came up, forcibly escorted the bloated ox-creature out of the restaurant, and returned, taking his table. Then, as if I weren't even there, he turned to Helen and said, "I'm Evil Editor. I know of a more romantic place, if you'd care to join me?"

The nerve of the guy! And she went with him! I couldn't believe it. I sat there in a stupor, feeling angry and deceived and screwed . . . and yet at the same time, feeling wildly jealous . . . of Helen.

--EE

Face-Lift 487

Guess the Plot

Calendula Witch

1. Sinister "accidents" are happening at the Lofton Estates. Only Manuel, the under-gardener, suspects the truth about those innocent-looking yellow flowers near the gate. Armed with only courage, weedkiller and pruning shears, can Manuel fight the power of . . . the Calendula Witch?

2. To sort through his emotions after learning he's adopted, Jeremy decides to sail his little catamaran, the Calendula Witch, across the Atlantic. But there's more to the Witch than he knew--she's really an Alluvimarr, shape-changed into a boat to guide Jeremy to his heritage in time to save his home world from destruction.

3. When her assistant at the magical research laboratory is injured and hospitalized, Calendula investigates, discovering that the hospital is a locus of pure evil. The good news is that Calendula rescues her assistant. The bad news is that Calendula's closest friends kidnap her baby daughter. Is Callie witch enough to defeat the forces aligned against her?

4. Ace homicide detective Zack Martinez sneezes halfway through telling Sgt. Shamrock they need a "calendar witch" who can alter time if they ever want a day off, and presto! A magical hippie chick appears, contaminating the crime scene with flower petals and enchanted glitter dust. She is horrified to see a corpse lying there with an ice pick in his head and quickly re-animates it. Trouble ensues.

5. Enid Whiffleton was the sorriest teenager in Littleville until she ate a basketful of calendula blossoms and acquired magical powers of canine bewitchment. Now she's the proud owner of the Twelve Dog Flying Trapeze Circus. But will she complete her destiny by finding love in the arms of her arch-rival, lion-tamer Thor Jones?

6. When her parents die in a car crash, twelve year old Mary Gold will do anything to keep her siblings from going into foster care . . . even witchcraft. But she's not very good at it, and when a love potion goes terribly wrong in the school cafeteria, hilarity ensues. Can Mary learn enough witchcraft to keep Child Services from splitting up her family?


Original Version

Dear [name]

When her assistant Dreanor is injured in a mysterious lab accident, San Francisco witch Calendula Isadora (Callie) investigates. It’s not the first time strange things have happened in CORP [--which stands for Paranormal and Occult Research Center, but they got so much ridicule for calling themselves PORC that they scrambled the letters--], the magical research laboratory where witches and warlocks study the science behind their spells. [Sample questions on the standardized test for admittance to PORC CORP:

Turning a human male into a horned toad is an example of

a. a chemical reaction
b. blind luck
c. evolution
d. Einstein's relativity theory
e. utter hilarity


Which is more likely to improve the flavor of witch's brew?

a. Eye of newt
b. MSG
c. Urine of Brad Pitt
d. Egg of a hen that's been on an oregano-only diet
e. Contents of a large pustule]

The trail goes cold, however, as Dreanor begins to heal, and Callie is distracted by the joy of her own growing pregnancy.

Callie continues to search for the cause of the accident, even as she hires a temp to fill in for her assistant,

[Calendula: Thanks for coming, I'll need you for about two weeks.

Temp Assistant: The agency didn't actually tell me what my duties would be.

Calendula: Let's see, you'll be scrubbing out the cauldrons, injecting poison into apples, luring plump children to my home in the woods, and gathering organs and extremities from small animals.

Temp Assistant: Oh well, it's gotta be better than my last job, waxing Rosie O'Donnell's back.]

fulfils her duties as a member of her coven, and inadvertently creates a most peculiar golem. [She hacks up a phlegmball in the shape of a tiny man, and it does a soft shoe dance. Most peculiar.] Then, just before her baby is to be born, Callie discovers that the hospital itself is a locus of evil. She rescues Dreanor and brings her back to the coven house.

On Samhain, the holiest night of the witch calendar, Callie gives birth to Valeriana. Then, in a shocking betrayal, those closest to Callie drug her and take her newborn daughter. Now she must rely on her own power, and the help of two humans, to defeat the forces united against her and reclaim her child.

CALENDULA WITCH, an urban fantasy, is complete at 85,000 words. The novel stands on its own, but is also envisioned to be the first in a series. I’ve enclosed _________. May I send you more of the manuscript?

Kind regards,


Notes

It's not clear why we're spending so much time on the assistant and the lab accident. Is it just because it gets Callie to the hospital where she discovers the evil locus? I'm not sure we need that, either. Why not begin:

On Samhain, the holiest night of the witch calendar, Calendula Isadora gives birth to a baby girl. Then, in a shocking betrayal, those closest to Callie drug her and take her newborn daughter.

Now fill us in on who she is and how she handles the situation. That's your story, isn't it?

Update

You may recall (from the previous post) that an external auditor at the Bank of East Asia Ltd. in Singapore recently contacted Evil Editor. Actually, you won't recall those specifics, as I replaced them with the more interesting "yada yada yada," but I now reveal them. Scroll down to the previous post to get up to speed on where I stood with Mr. Wang Kee as of yesterday. Or simply click here and pray I'm not phishing for your personal information to steal your identity. (Don't worry; As I am Evil Editor and you are you, can you honestly believe I would want your identity?)

Thanks to the remarkable speed of Internet communications, I have now completed a few additional rounds of correspondence with Mr. Kee. Or possibly it's Mr. Wang. I should ask him about that in my next letter. In any case, allow me to get you up to date:


Evil Editor:

I am most pleasing to receive your prompt response to my letter concerning the 12.5 million dollrs we are holding. It was in actuality a secretarial employee who typed the original letter suggesting that we should receive 7.5m, and the person in questionable has been dealt with severely. Meanwhile, your offer of $5000 is acceptable. There is the small matter of the withdrawal fee, which will require a good-faith payment of $950 US. In the interest of transactional alacrity, please forward a bank account number from which we may electronically wire the fee. A prompt response will assure that we will have this matter "out of our Hairs" expediently.

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

Thank you for your prompt response to my letter regarding my 12.5 million dollars which you have been kindly holding for me for three years, and are now desperately attempting to return to its rightful owner, namely me. As most of my capital is currently tied up in long-term municipal bonds, K-1 partnerships and passthroughs, and Iraqi real estate, I propose that you be so kind as to scrape together the $950 withdrawal fee, in return for which I will increase your share of the 12.5m from $5000 to $6045. I calculate that this nets you an extra $95, a 10% increase on your $950 investment in a very short time period. Awaiting your reply.

EE


Mr. EE:

I am gratified to inform you that I have in acceptance of your offer obtained the 12.5m US and while tempted to simply deposit in my own account, have decided to ethicly conclude our arrangement. If you would forward your bank account number at your convenience I will wire the funds into it and we will be concluded. Again my condolences on the loss of your loved one or the person who has your same last name.

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

If you would be so kind as to Fed-Ex a cashier's check for the 12+ m? On second thought, I think we can save a little money if you make it USPS Global Priority. Thanks.

EE

P.S. I noticed upon Googling your name that you are apparently attempting to reach other people whose money is being held in your bank. For ten thousand dollars US I will edit your letter so that if you happen to locate another account's owner you will sound more like a bank employee and less like a semi-literate Nigerian scammer.


EE:

While my skills with your language are admittedly lacking, my ability to hack into your computer and get your address you would find most impressive. Shall I have my boys deliver your 12.5 million?

Wang Kee


Wang Kee:

I've decided, upon further consideration, that you are deserving of the full 12.5m. Please enjoy it with my blessing, and may I have the pleasure of doing business with you again some day.

EE


EE:

There's still the small matter of the withdrawal fee. $950 US.

Wang Kee


Wang:

Yes, if you would send me your bank account number, I'll wire you the funds right away.

EE

I'm Rich

No Face-Lift today, because I haven't received five fake plots for any of the current titles. However, I thought I might share my good fortune. I just got this through email:


Now that we have found you, let us work hand in hand to actualize this deal. A family member of yours ( or perhaps just a person having the same last name with you died Three years ago in Tsunami tragedy Indonesia leaving behind an estate/capital of (USD12.5 Million with interest accrued till date) in the Bank of East Asia Ltd,

Yada yada yada

I urge you to come forward since I can provide you with the details you will need to claim the estate/capital and also work with you till the final remittance of the funds to the account you will nominate for us, at the end of this transaction the $12,500,000.00 will now be shared between us as follows.$5,000,000.00 for you and $7,500,000.00 for me/

Yada yada yada

Yours Sincerely,

Wang Kee


I know this is legit because:

1. It didn't come from Nigeria or Sierra Leone.
2. If it were a fraud they would have split it 50/50 or given me the higher amount.
3. If you're trying to convince someone you're legit, you don't sign your letter Wang Kee. Unless it's your real name.

Anyway, I emailed back and said, You gotta be kidding me, pal. You, whose sole role in this transaction has been to send me an email, get 7.5 million, while I, whose relative (or person with my last name) died a horrible death, get a measly 5 million? I don't think so.

I told him he could send me $12,495,000, and keep the change. Wing Kee may want to negotiate some more. I'll keep you informed.

Success Story

Lori Lapekes (Garceau) , author of For a Short Time (Face-Lift 464), reports that the novel will be published by LBF Books.

New Beginning 447

"What the hell is this?" Kate's sister, Chloe, stared straight ahead at the huge house in front of them. Arrogance mixed with disgust radiated off of her like waves. Whenever Chloe came back from college, it took a couple of days to beat the sorority out of her and find her little sister again.

"This is my new house." Kate looked down at the file filled with documents in her hand, proving she now owned the old house and all one hundred prime ranching acres it sat on. "Kinda."

"This is the 'great steal'?" Chloe sniffed. "It stinks out there."

"It's called fresh air," Kate said, stepping out of the car as Chloe rolled her eyes. "And you're doing the redesign." Kate grabbed her bag out of the backseat as Chloe's hand froze on the ignition like it'd been slapped.

"Whoa... what?"

"That's right." Kate tapped her fingers against the file. "It's all right here. Co-Director and Design Associate, Chloe--"

"But . . . I don't know anything about--"

"How hard can it be? The place isn't in bad shape. I mean, I -- well the bank -- wouldn't pay five point two million for a dump." Kate pulled Chloe's door open. "Take a look around. It's a good business. Already has a huge customer list. Maybe need to hire a couple extra staff is all."

Chloe rested her forehead on the steering wheel. "When you said you bought a chicken ranch, I--"

"But you love animals. And eggs. This'll be--"

"Kate! This isn't a chicken ranch. It's the Chicken Ranch. You just borrowed 5.2 mill to buy a whorehouse!"

Kate gaped at her little sister for a few seconds. "Oh." Then she brightened up. "So, you bring anything else to wear?"


Opening: Brenda Bradshaw.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 486

Guess the Plot

Death and Taxes

1. All work and no pay. A penny saved is a penny earned. Just do it. Another day older and deeper in debt. The sky is falling. Another day, another dollar. Farmer Bob Jones deconstructs popular economic theories as he drives his combine across Kansas.

2. Jim "the butcher" Takamini has the Yakuza horning in on his sushi business. But when the IRS decides to do an audit, he learns there's one thing even more inevitable than death and taxes: the wrath of his mother-in-law.

3. Tax collector Ryan Conner doesn't know why no one in Colmera Springs ever pays taxes, but he's going to put a stop to it, even if it means throwing the whole town into jail. Maybe Conner would have thought twice if he'd known the truth: that the residents of Colmera Springs are all . . . zombies!

4. A glamrock tribute band from Des Moines gets attacked by a skinhead mob in the reptile house of the Amsterdam zoo. When they flee through the red light district, a chance encounter with an IRS agent and a Puerto Rican undertaker becomes their only hope of getting safely back to Des Moines.

5. Desperate for revenue, the federal government pushes through legislation that makes "you can't take it with you" legally binding. Souls are not allowed to pass on until all taxes are settled in full. But Harry Needleman would rather spend eternity in limbo than let the government get its hands on his last fifty dollars.

6. Jacqueline poisons her husband, Jerome, to collect on his $100,000 insurance policy. But getting away with murder isn't all it's cracked up to be when it turns out Jerome owes over $200,000 in back taxes. Not only that, it turns out the IRS is more irritating than Jerome ever was.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to offer my manuscript, Death and Taxes, complete at 55,000 words, to you for review and consideration for representation.

No one in the forgotten town of Colmera Springs has paid taxes in 160 years. [160 years ago, no one in any U.S. town was paying taxes. The income tax became constitutional in 1913. There were brief periods of income tax from 1862 - 68, and 1894- 95. Internal taxes on tobacco and alcohol existed in various periods, but 160 years ago, government was financed by tariffs on imported goods.] No one has ever come to collect, and no one there ever bothers to file. Toby, Danita and the other residents would rather just play a game of Eats with whoever happens by.

Ryan Conner is a tax collector. Armed with rubber stamp, ballpoint pen, and his new secretary Clarice, he greatly enjoys serving notices and seizing assets. The fact that his newest target – Colmera Springs – is inhabited by zombies makes no difference. [Or does it? If you died last year you have to pay taxes on last year, but if you died 160 years ago, I think you're clear.] They didn't even bother to file an extension! [Of course zombies don't file; the tax laws for zombies are too strict. For instance, to take the deduction for business meals, a zombie is required to obtain a receipt from the person whose brains he eats. And don't get me started on Schedule Z, Depreciation of Body Parts.] At the first sight of Toby, Clarice is more than ready to leave the mountain town, go home and find a new job. Her boss however, never backs down, and he has the keys to the car.

Ryan ends up infected [Zombiefied. If you don't use the technical terminology you look like a hack.], Clarice and her boyfriend Nick are taken for questioning when the government steps in, and most of the zombies are shot in the head. Everyone is taken underground to the Tau Seven Research Facility.

Observations and testing quickly commence using everything from samples, [Samples of what?] to parfaits,

[Sir, we've captured a zombie. Shall we begin testing to determine how he was able to reanimate?

Later. First let's observe his reaction to a strawberry parfait.]

to ballpoint pens that attract zombies. Clarice and Nick attempt an escape that results in a cascade of system failures – effectively letting Toby and Danita out of their cells. The last survivors of Colmera Springs repopulate their numbers utilizing research personnel.

With new freedom, Toby seeks out his own ballpoint pen while Danita quickly organizes a new game of Eats. Clarice and Nick must now try and escape the facility while playing fetch for the surviving scientists who want data tapes and the UCK (Universe Creation Kit). [You're losing me.] Soon however, everyone involved – human and living dead alike – must deal with Ryan. He has succumbed to his infection, but retained his identity. As he is now both Death and Taxes, nothing stops him.

For over a decade I have paid taxes, and am well familiar with how annoying they are. I have even used ballpoint pens when needed, and the occasional rubber stamp. During my three years as a chaplain, I have also been around a number of corpses (though none have [has] walked, yet). [As a chaplain you should know enough to call them vitality-challenged beings, rather than corpses. I mean, would you speak to a group at a viewing by saying, Joe was a wonderful man and it would please him greatly to know so many of you have turned out to see his corpse.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send a copy of the completed manuscript for your review. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It should be shortened. I would ditch the part about being held captive for experiments and escaping. After the long Ryan paragraph you can say something like:

The government steps in to help clean up Colmera Springs, but for every zombie they kill, Toby and Danita manage to zombiefy two government agents. When Taxman Ryan is himself zombiefied, both humans and undead are in trouble, for Ryan is now the most unstoppable force on the planet: Death and Taxes. Can Toby and Danita somehow destroy Ryan and salvage their freedom from taxation?

Of course that Death and Taxes line is basically just a gag, but I get the impression it's a gag in the book as well. On the other hand it's pretty lame, so maybe you sould at least ditch it from the query.

The part about government experiments has a more serious tone than the opening. It seems to have switched from a comedy to a thriller. Possibly you can pull that off in the book, but I'd stick with one genre in the query.

New Beginning 446

The clock radio blasted a noise that sounded like a submarine Klaxon. Troy wanted to stand up and yell - Dive, Dive, Dive! But Nick, his lover, still lay sleeping. They celebrated their second anniversary last night and not only did the Tequila Sunrises flow, something called a Prancing Fairy concocted of wine, bourbon and malt whiskey left a minty aftertaste when he puked it all over the bar. Troy grimaced with his eyes wide open as he remembered -- everything.

The clock radio blared again. This time, like a foghorn on crack -- Fa-Wooooooo-Pa! Fa-Wooooooo-Pa! Nick woke and smacked the radio. His big guns wrapped around Troy's torso and pulled him tight. Troy snuggled into Nick's furry chest. Their bodies touched, trading heat.

"I dreamed about you lover-boy. You were wrecked last night..." Nick's voice trailed off as he nibbled Troy's ear. Troy felt his already tumescent man-pole stiffen against Nick's hard abs.

"Christ was I drunk last night. I can't remember a damn thing."

"Don't you remember that gay boy in leather jumping out of a cheesecake?" Nick knew the memory game, too.

Something clattered outside. Ka-pa-ka! Troy winced at the noise and held Nick tighter.

His electric conscience prodded him again: Ba-wooop-Wa! Ba-wooop-Wa! Troy rubbed at his temple as the whole room pitched and yawed.

A tinny, mechanical voice from the corner of the room interrupted the if-onlys running through his mind. "Captain Troy, to the bridge. Under attack. Depth charges."

Finally it all came back to him.

"You'd better go," Nick said, reaching for his uniform.

Probably just another frigging exercise. Jesus. He didn't join the navy for this bullshit.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anonymous

New Beginning 445

Using the bed to steady himself, the bandy-legged soldier stepped from his duds, then leaned out the top of the hog pen and looked left and right again. Lila noticed his hands shook as he fumbled the buttons of his shirt. Somewhere in age between grass and hay, he seemed fresh enough to be embarrassed of what he had to offer. She hoped.

The less war he’d fought, the less he’d want to vent his frustration on her body. But plenty of boys had fought in the war and couldn’t find the line between sex and combat. She’d screwed both sides: the Union boys who came to the fort to fight Indians and the Confederate prisoners who joined that fight rather than kill their own. North, South; made no difference when it came to sympathy for her.

Finally. He stood naked before her on the dirt floor that had had its beginning in manure. It didn’t smell so; it just smelled dry. The good think about scorching heat was how quickly it rendered rot to dust.

Lila watched the trembling boy with amusement for a few moments before approaching him. "Hello, soldier," she said. "A little nervous?"

"I guess so, ma'am. Ain't been with a woman since before the war."

"Long time." She took his hand. "North or South?"

He cleared his throat and stared at the dirt on the ground. "Gee, ma'am . . . I was just hoping for straight missionary-style, first. But we can try that kinky stuff later on."


Opening: Kristen F. .....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 485

Guess the Plot

Shut Up and Ride

1. Katie doesn't like the merry-go-round. She screams at the sight of the Ferris Wheel. Her daddy paid good money to take her to the amusement park, and he's getting really, really mad. Will Katie disappoint her father yet again when he tries to convince her to board the roller coaster know as The Viper? Or will she just . . . Shut Up and Ride?

2. When cowboy bandit Blue Bart kidnaps Miss Kitty from the OK Saloon and forces her to ride through the desert toward Nebraska he has dreams of living happily ever after in a cozy little home on the prairie. But they're actually galloping through a cursed arroyo that's 200 years long -- to 21st century Tucson.

3. Mr. Ed's memoirs, covering his adult life from rebellious young Mustang to smart-mouthed TV star to cranky old nag. Includes his scandalous affair with Connie Hines, who played Wilbur's wife Carol, as well as his emotional trip to the site of the Wilmore Glue Factory.

4. Tiffany signs up for the cattle drive to prove to her hunky new boyfriend that she isn't just a pretty face. Every time she yoo-hoos to him across the herd, though, the cattle spook and her horse takes off, which doesn't help her hairdo. Plus, there's no place to plug in her curling iron. Will she ever learn to just . . . Shut Up and Ride?

5. The true story of Shadrach Jackson, hijacker of the 4:27 express bus from 125th Street to Downtown, with complete explanation of the reasoning behind his actions and his sincere apologies for their terrible consequences, especially to Tiffy Swanson and her poodle, Fluffkins.

6. Kate is fixing up her home to sell it, but her neighbor, Eric, has converted his property into a motocross course. That's gonna narrow down the prospective buyers to Hell's Angels and the deaf. Can Kate work up the nerve to complain, or will she fall under hunky Eric's spell when he tells her to just . . . Shut Up and Ride?


Original Version

Kate Ferguson never takes unnecessary risks, not even in the financial world, where she's known for her careful yet confident portfolio suggestions that make her a top analyst in the investment world. When a ranch hits the market outside of Dallas, she jumps at the real estate opportunity, planning to "flip" it, update it thanks to the talent her eccentric and out-going little sister with a new interior designing degree, then turn around and sell it for a large, lovely profit.

Unfortunately, that "steal" of property came at a higher price than she ever imagined. [Rule #1 in buying real estate: count the number of zeros in the asking price at least twice.] The property next to her is owned by Eric Hutchinson, a distraction Kate does not have time for, even if he's funny, sexy and tends to swoop in and save her more times than her stubborn mind cares to admit. Worse than his ability to see through her guarded walls and false bravado, worse than the fact that she turns into a bumbling girl instead of the confident, successful business woman she's become, all of that is overshadowed by the horrible fact that his land is used for Motorcross practices, not cattle, and Kate realizes the chances plummet of selling her one hundred acres of prime real estate to any serious rancher and could cause her to face real financial ruin. [A 100-acre cattle ranch? In Texas? I thought everything was bigger in Texas.]

Kate has a mere month of vacation to get this house in condition to sell and distractions are not on the agenda. She should have realized it was all over the moment she met the rattlesnake her first day in the new house. [How did Eric get into her house?] Throw in a rooster with an attitude who thinks she's his hen, add her sister getting a "real" job and making Kate face the redesigning herself – regardless that she doesn't have a creative cell in her entire DNA [Actually, I think the DNA is in the cells.] - and her damned attraction to the man who ruined all her brilliant plans, Kate faces a sharp reality: one simply can't plan for everything, and sometimes dangerous risks have the best rewards in the end. [Meaning, Kate quits her investment analysis career and becomes a champion Motocross racer, and lives happily ever after with Eric?] [You're giving us the right information, and the right tone, but it's wordy and unpolished. It needs to be clear and organized, with a smooth and logical progression.]

SHUT UP AND RIDE is available for review. I am a member of RWA, and shockingly, live on a farm – with a rooster. [Shockingly? No, after only one paragraph I was pretty sure you had access to at least one cock.] I'm also immersed in the Motocross world more than I care to admit, and feel all these aspects come into play to make SHUT UP AND RIDE something the readers of Jennifer Crusie and Susan Elizabeth Phillips would enjoy as well.

Thank you for your time.


Revised Version

Kate Ferguson never takes unnecessary risks, not even in the financial world, where she's known as a top investment analyst. But when an underpriced ranch hits the market outside of Dallas, she jumps at the opportunity, planning to "flip" it with the help of her eccentric interior designer sister, turning a large, lovely profit.

Unfortunately, her new ranch isn't quite the steal Kate imagines.

The property next to her is owned by Eric Hutchinson, a distraction Kate does not have time for, even if he is funny and sexy and tends to swoop in and save her more times than her stubborn mind cares to admit. It's not his ability to see through her guarded walls and false bravado that bothers her; and it's not the way she turns into a bumbling schoolgirl whenever he's around; it's the horrible fact that his land is used for Motocross practices! Suddenly Kate's list of prospective buyers has dwindled to Hell's Angels and the deaf, and she's facing financial ruin.

What keeps her going after she finds the rattlesnake in her bedroom? And when the rooster decides that Kate's his hen? And when her sister gets a "real" job, forcing Kate to handle the designing herself--never mind that she hasn't a creative gene in her entire DNA? Maybe it's desperation. Maybe it's sheer stubbornness. Or maybe . . . it's her damned attraction to the man who ruined her brilliant plan. Hey, sometimes the biggest risks lead to the best rewards.

SHUT UP AND RIDE is available for review. I am a member of RWA, and live on a farm – with a rooster. I'm also immersed in the Motocross world more than I care to admit, and feel all these elements come into play to make SHUT UP AND RIDE realistic, and a story the fans of Jennifer Crusie and Susan Elizabeth Phillips would enjoy.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

I once found myself in Myrtle Beach during Motorcycle Week, with about a million motorcycles constantly roaring up and down the streets. And I did see lots of women riding on the backs of their men's hogs (though I didn't see any of them reading romance novels). But no doubt there are plenty of women who fantasize about leather-jacketed fat guys with Harleys and beards and tattoos.

Hey, I'm just joking; motocross riders are athletes, with hard chiseled bodies, and who could blame you for falling for one of them, even if, in retrospect, it was the second-worst mistake you ever made?

New Beginning 444

The summer of '84 might have been the best of times for a few people, the guy who lived in the bat cave for instance, or that weird troll-like fellow who lived under the bridge, but for the rest of us, the summer of the 'Rampaging Paintings' was the worst in recorded history, surpassing even the 'Balloon Explosion' of '56 and the 'Pineapple Incident' of '21.

It all began the day I exposed the Mayor's affair with the cook to about a dozen or so assorted bystanders, a carpenter, two electricians, a painter, three kids on bikes, a contractor, an apprentice Magician, two women walking their dogs, said Mayor's wife--and me.

I have to admit, the incident was my fault. Just as I raised the last brick into place, Susie Hyacinth walked by and I got distracted. Can you blame me? She's enough to distract any man with two eyes and a nose.

It was meant to be an auspicious occasion; a celebration. We were putting the finishing touches to the new library, and as the architect, I'd been asked to place the ceremonial last brick and say a few words. I'd rehearsed for a couple of days, so I had it all down pat. I opened with a joke, gave a brief history of the project, and lifted the stone.

As I placed it, I intended to say, "And this will be the perfect place for the mayor to hang out next time he fancies reading a book." Well, damned if that wasn't the exact moment Susie waddled past--face like a slapped arse and smell like a chicken shed. Who wouldn't be distracted? Any man might have slipped up and said, " . . . the perfect place for the mayor to hang out next time he fancies screwing the cook."

The rest of the day didn't go well, either.


Opening: Michele Acker.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 484

Guess the Plot

Mission to Zulaire

1. It's Kama Sutra meets Eyewitness to History as hundreds of sexual positions are described in pages torn from personal journals. Starting with a Franciscan monk detailing his "Mission" with an altar boy, the book finishes with a British soldier's raucous encounter with an entire Zulu war party.

2. Zulaire--fabled land of the ancients, where the towers are made of precious metals and the legendary Jala plant grows wild. The legends say poison from the Jala plant is the only way to stop the marauding raiders, and Cameron is the unlucky one sent to Zulaire to find some. He finds more than that--he finds true love.

3. Three outworlders and a blue-scaled lizard with a computer for a brain. Can this unlikely trio make their way through the starways to Zulaire in time for the Imperial Galactic Wedding?

4. Sister Rosemary has a drinking problem. She embarks on a Mission To Zulaire, a dry region where whiskey is unknown, to teach organic chemistry and save souls. Hilarity ensues when she demonstrates fermentation and the boiling point of alcohol, inadvertently introducing moonshine to a grateful populace. But how can she explain the sudden surge in converts when Bishop Casey drops in to find out the secret to her success?

5. Special Forces captain Tom Deverane is looking forward to retirement when HQ sends him on one final mission, rescuing a civilian from some backwater hole. Little does he know that failure will lead to a massive bloodbath that will destroy the entire planet--and possibly the rest of the galaxy.

6. After 'borrowing' his Dad's space-cruiser one night, Lenny crash-lands on the dock at Grimmet. Fortunately, there's a flight back to Zulaire leaving in twenty minutes. Unfortunately, it's been hijacked by a deranged priest who, dismayed at the ungodliness of the space age, wants to fly them all to heaven--the short way.

7. Space Captain Bazzor and his Intergalactic Commandos cross the galaxy to the frozen planet of Zulaire to rescue a stranded ship of space colonists! But the evil giant space worm Granat fights them! And just when they're going to get away, the vicious space meerkats attack! And lovely Darla falls in love with Space Captain Bazzor!


Original Version

Dear Benevolent Editor:

Captain Tom Deverane thought his hitch in the Special Forces was all but over, and now he could figure out what to do with his retirement bonus. That was before HQ decided to send him on one last mission to some backwater hole to rescue a civilian. The woman is stranded in the middle of nowhere on a planet that is days away from erupting into a violent civil war. Someone has pulled some serious strings to get this one woman plucked out of the hot zone by Deverane and his team. Bracing himself for some rich, air-headed party girl, instead Deverane gets tough and intelligent Andrianda Markriss.

Andi isn’t about to run off and insult her host family on Zulaire just because of Deverane’s orders, though. Deverane’s never met anyone as hard-headed as Andi is- or as appealing. Just as he manages to persuade her to leave with him, rebel fighters infiltrate the village to brutalize and massacre everyone. Andi, Deverane, his team, and two other survivors escape and are forced to hike through dense forest and enemy territory to get to the relative safety of the capitol. [If you mean the city, rather than a building, you mean "capital."] On their frantic journey through the mountains they discover evidence that Zulaire’s so-called civil war is just the first strike in a terrifying alien race's attempt to subjugate the entire Sector. ["Assimilate." It is the Borg, right?]

Deverane, busily falling in love with Andi, fights his way across half of Zulaire, trying to protect her at all costs from rebel fighters and the dangers of the planet’s untamed wilderness. He only hopes he can get his people to the capitol in time to stop the whole planet from being consumed in a massive bloodbath that would destroy all of Zulaire, and maybe take the rest of the galaxy with it. [If you're a terrifying alien race whose goal is to subjugate an entire sector, and your first step is to destroy a backwater hole called Zulaire, and one Special Forces team can thwart you, I'm thinking you were overreaching. True, Gimlet, Lego and Arrogant managed to hold off six million orcs, but if the orcs had had the firepower of the Death Star it might have been a different story. When a dozen Borg cubes are in orbit over the Earth, we'll need more than Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian to get us out of this one.]

Mission to Zulaire is a 100,000 word military science fiction novel set against the beginnings of a violent and devastating civil war on the alien planet of Zulaire. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript, and thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

I think this could be tightened up a bit. For instance:


Special Forces Captain Tom Deverane has just started thinking about how to spend his retirement bonus when HQ assigns him one last mission: rescue a civilian woman stranded on a planet on the verge of violent civil war. Someone has pulled some serious strings to get this one woman plucked out of the hot zone by Deverane and his team.

Andrianda Markriss isn’t about to pack up and leave Zulaire just because of Deverane’s orders, though. Deverane’s never met anyone so hard-headed--or so appealing. And just as Deverane finally does persuade Andi to leave . . .


That's fewer words and not much less information.

Even if your goal is to take over Zulaire, rather than the entire sector, I wouldn't think you'd bother sending your forces in to massacre a village. You'd go after the capital. When the Borg attack Earth, their opening salvo isn't going to be the destruction of Oulu, Finland.

For some reason I expect major war in military science fiction (perhaps I shouldn't?), and here I get the impression that Deverane's team may prevent war entirely. How many aliens are on Zulaire, who are they, what kind of weapons do they have, and is there more military action than Deverane's team being chased through the woods? A little more about the war would help us see how the action on Zulaire could affect the whole galaxy.