New Beginning 216

Sea spray. The brine stings in my nostrils, lays heavy on my tongue.

My mage inhales deeply, pronounces it, “Brisk.” She smiles.

The air has the taste of uncleaned fish. My stomach growls. I follow my mage up a plank that leads to the deck of a ship.

A guard challenges us. I smell his fear, but he hides it well. His voice barely quavers. “This ship is a private vessel, not for hire,” he says. “Seek passage elsewhere.”

My mage’s grin spreads slow across her face. “I’m not a passenger. I’m crew.”

The guard laughs. It is not a pleasant sound. “Is that what the captain be calling his whores now?” His thumb jerks toward me. “And what be that?”

My muscles tense, but my mage’s raised hand stays me. She flings to him her proof of contract. She is huntress here, controls his moves.

The guard catches it, looks at it, at her. His eyes are those of a cornered hart. Prey knows when it is trapped.

“Well?” Her voice has deepened. I can hear her annoyance.

The guard points over his shoulder. “Your cabin be der.”

My mage snaps her robe and stalks past him. A quick motion with her hand and the door to our cabin swings open. “Insolent buffoon,” she mutters. Her fingers trail down my arm. “You’ve been lonely since we lost Netch. Perhaps we should replace him?"

I tell her that I wish only for her long and painful death, but my words come out as chittering gibberish. She smiles and pats the fur on my face. I hop away from her and--


"Derivative drivel," I hear Miss Snark intone.

The harshness of her words falls fast upon my ears, weighs heavy in my soul. I shake my head, bare my teeth. Search for a way to prove her wrong.

Too late.

The word knows when it is written.

The sentence knows when it is read.

I feel the despair, like the crumbling of a decaying log kicked into dissolution, as my life is, thoughtless, thrown back upon the shelf.

The reader knows when he's been screwed.


Opening: Phoenix.....Continuation: Rashenbo/Anonymous

Face-Lift 274

Guess the Plot

Jumbie-mon

1. Lemme tell you mon, deh women be wakkin home let wun eev-nin, wen dat man's ghost joomped rite outta dem bushes en skaret em to death.

2. When mild-mannered Rhashan Turnbull smoken deh Jamaican weed, he behcomen superhero Joombie-mon, scoorge of deh Rastafarian crim'nools.

3. Agent Troy Davis dealen with deh Ebola-like virus, deh nuclear war, 'n' a fanat'cal coolt as he
racen deh clock to learnen the secret of . . . Joombie-mon!

4. When Bob becomen depressed wit his life as an insurance salesman, Marsha inspiren him teh flee his suboorban home 'n' try teh make it in Fairbanks, Alaska, as a Reggae droomer wit dreadlocks down to here 'n' awesome rhythm.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean a la Rastafari grooviness, circa 1974 -- featurin' deh ruthless cold war Russian spies, two oondercover George Booshes, a yoong Dick Cheney in disguise as one of Mick Jagger's groupies, Richard Nixon and a band known as deh "Jamaican Beatles."

6. Pikachu, Charizard, and all deh other Pokemon's bein' driven out of deh hearts of elementary schoolers by the Joombie-mon, who look'n like bad-assed, fire-breathin' Tele-tubbies, only worse. Wit millions in advertising dollars at stake, deh battle is on.


Original Version

Dear agent-extraordinaire,

Jumbie-mon is 123,000-word thriller that I thought you might like to review and consider for representation.

First an Ebola-like outbreak occurs on the little Caribbean island of St. John. Then eight thousand miles away, an eerily similar virus casts its deadly spell in Jammu and Muzaffarabad. Then two politicians, moderate and reasonable, are murdered in Srinagar and another disappears. Saber-rattling between India and Pakistan goes past saber-rattling and nuclear war threatens. [Here's the problem so far. You know that these places are in the same part of the world (except St. John), but the reader is thinking:

Why do these people always have to list every random thing that happens in their book? Where the hell is Jammu? Jamaica? Tanzania? Let's see, Muzaffarabad, isn't that what they called that sandwich I had in New Orleans that time? Srinagar? City in Trinidad and Tobago? Vinegar capital of Sri Lanka? Did he make up these names? Does this even take place on Earth?

For the purposes of the query, I say drop St. John and set the disease and murders and kidnaping in Kashmir, which people have heard of. Everything will have a common thread.] The State Department, distrustful of the timing, and armed with intelligence that links the outbreaks to the assignations, [What are the "assignations"?] is caught in the dilemma of all dilemmas: India is an ally, and the U.S. is determined to stand by its long-time friend, but Pakistan is necessary to the Afghan campaign, the war on terror, and the stabilization of yet another nuclear arsenal. [Actually, a nuclear war might solve all the problems at once.] But when Beijing weighs in, everything becomes even more complicated; if a conflict were to take place, China would side with Pakistan. [The Chinese. Those bastards just can't be trusted to always do what's in our best interest.]

With stakes so high that a misstep would likely plunge the region into the unthinkable, and the grim possibility of an internal intelligence leak, the State Department is forced to look to outside resources. Ames Macklin, [Anagram: mailmen sack.] a brash, but competent Undersecretary, handpicks six men and calls an emergency meeting. Their assignment: find an agent without ties to the CIA or traditional intelligence circles. This agent must be highly skilled, [At what? His own occupation, or at being an intelligence agent, even though he's never been one?] motivated to a fault, mobile, and fast thinking. His assignment: find Zulfikar Jinnah, the missing diplomat, and find him fast. [The plan is to send some guy who's never worked as an agent to Kashmir to search for this guy? Our entire military can't find bin Laden, but some guy off the street is gonna find Jinnah?]

The man they select is Troy Davis, a charismatic USAMRIID [(United States' Absurd Missions Resulting In International Disasters)] Doctor, who is already hot on the Caribbean outbreak. Watch as Davis, in a race with the clock, tries to learn who’s behind it all. Is it the Mauryan’s, a fanatical cult who are descendants of a bygone civilization? Or a South African Biotech firm who seems to be at all the right places at all the right times? Or is it Jenneke Quast, a disreputable weapons broker who this time has gone too far . . . Or, even a member of Macklin’s select committee? [Another list.] Throw into the mix a beautiful uber-environmentalist, a former flame with surprising connections, and a self-made millionaire with conflicting motivations. [I think we should all agree to hold our lists to three items, include no more than one list per query, and throw nothing "into the mix."] It all adds up to a series of sleepless nights, as the reader learns who’s really pulling the strings, and what the secret of Jumbie-mon really is. [The secret of what? If you want the reader of the query to be curious about the secret of Jumbie-mon, I strongly suggest you actually mention Jumbie-mon in the query. I Googled "Jumbie-mon" and came up with "a small place next to Donkey Diner in Coral Bay on Saint John. Interesting batik style hand painted clothing."

I Googled "Jumbie" and found these possibilities:

a stiltwalker (actually called moko jumbie)

Jumbie Bay--the only beach on St. John with an African name.

A ghost (Jumbies are said to possess humans during ceremonies called jumbie dances).

"Yo, I saw this beautiful uber-environmentalist and she gave me an instant Jumbie!" (From the Urban Dictionary).

Seems like your Jumbie-mon could be related to any of these, which means even an agent who researches the term won't know what you mean. And most editors won't put forth the effort Evil Editor did. They'll just say, "Jumbie-mon? Where did that come from? Who or what is Jumbie-mon, and why would I want to know its secret when it wasn't even worth mentioning up till now?"]

I’d be happy to send a copy of the manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Focus the Kashmir paragraph on Kashmir so it doesn't sound like a list, drop the least interesting items from your list of suspects, and bring in Jumbie-mon earlier, or not at all. Then your only problem will be convincing us that the government would entrust this mission to Troy.

Guess the Plot

National Book Award Edition

Below are the titles of the fiction nominees for the most recent National Book Award. No doubt you've read all of them, and know which plots are the real ones. Answers at bottom of post.


A. The Echo Maker

1. Lax security at the world's first human cloning facility leads to hordes of clones rampaging through the streets. When it turns out bullets can't stop them, the National Guard faces its toughest battle ever.

2. When caught in the girls' bathroom, Mikey gets sent to the principal. Can Mikey avoid punishment by claiming that he was just doing research on which bathroom has better resonance, or is he doomed to suspension?

3. Frances decides not to climb the mountain known locally as "The Widow Maker," opting instead for the more genially monikered "The Echo Maker." What she doesn't realize is that this mountain's sounds emanate not from its geography, but from the cries of the souls who perished there.

4. After a highway accident, Mark Schluter is left in a coma. When he awakens, he has developed a rare condition in which he believes all his loved ones are actually look-alike actors and robots who sound just like the people they're posing as.

5. Born in the noisome and noisy slums of fifteenth-century Paris, Jacques Rienne was nearly deaf from birth, and needed everything repeated to him. As an adult he becomes one of the pioneers of sound technology, inventing a mechanical repeater that he patents and markets under the name, The Echo Maker. Alas, the machine proves to be of no use to anyone else, and he dies penniless.

6. As erosion and climate change increase the porosity of the walls of Whitworth Gorge, the rangers are left with a difficult problem as the county’s one tourist attraction slowly loses its unique appeal. In desperation, they hire Vasclov Bejkvel to shout back the tourists’ proclamations. The plan backfires, however, when it transpires that Bejkvel speaks limited English, and has Tourette’s.


B. Only Revolutions

1. A dizzy blonde wants to be a record star -- until somebody finally tells her LP's went out of style twenty years ago. Hilarity ensues.

2. The Earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the Sun. When evil scientist Eric Maloscuro stops the rotations, half the world goes permanently dark. Can Cindy Timares overcome Maloscuro and stop the plummeting real estate prices in her dark neighborhood, or will she change careers and become a Lady of the Night?

3. On the planet Lorgan a rebellion is brewing to remove the tri-sexual dictator Muffy. Civil disobedience has failed. The legislature disbanded. Now Merton, the mild mannered hero of professional wrestling, must step forward as leader of the rebels for ONLY REVOLUTION can free the Lorgans.

4. Two accounts of the same trip. You have to turn the book over and start from the back to read one of them. Plus, in the margins you get a timeline of history. And the page numbers, when you riff them like a flip book, revolve. An architectural marvel. Also, a novel.

5. The world champion of beef barbecue gets himself elected leader of the national gardening society, a position that he parlays into a political career that ignites the fires of revolution through the heartland.

6. After two weeks circling the planet in the space shuttle, a female astronaut returns to Earth pregnant. In an effort to secure child support, she demands a paternity test--from each of the other six astronauts who were aboard.


C. A Disorder Peculiar to the Country

1. News media from around the world gather as social researcher Watson Troy prepares to reveal the results of his study and name the one country that has the most butt scratchers, nose pickers and writer wannabes per capita.

2. Max Bling wants to spend a quiet weekend away from the busy city. He finds, however, that a sleepy upstate New York village is populated by a group of people with an odd speech impediment . . . and a common history tied to a shallow grave and a woman known only as "Bibibibilanoo."

3. Joyce and Marshall have been fighting a bitter divorce battle in the courts. When Joyce watches the World Trade Center crumble, she feels a great gladness, because Marshall works on the 86th floor. One can only imagine her pain when she finds he has survived to fight another day.

4. Brick Hoffersman is a successful cosmetic orthodontist living in LA, yet he finds his life lacks fulfillment. Then, one day, he receives a courier package containing an attorney’s letter. His great uncle has died, leaving him a country estate. Nothing, however, can prepare Brick for the horrors and challenges he faces in his new life in Britain as he applies his skills to the salvation of an entire nation, and a love that he can’t bring himself to kiss.

5. Bill and Marie have been eating more and exercising less for years, until they now weigh twice what they did in college. As they travel the country, they discover they aren't the only ones.

6. When McDonalds sues Russ Wilkins for eating at Burger King, he decides litigiousness has gone way too far, and sets out to blow up as many McDonalds restaurants as he can.


D. Eat the Document

1. Mark thought he was instructing his secretary to "edit the document." But his faulty experimental speech recognition software has her chewing it up with her cottage cheese and grapefruit for lunch. Hilarity ensues until the two fall in love--she with his quirky instructions, and he with her zany behavior.

2. Deep in the heart of the White House, executive chef Marco Balsamico comes up with a plan to both protect the President’s name and also introduce more fiber into his diet: by using official documents as an ingredient. Success is short-lived, however. It soon becomes clear the President can barely stomach the truth and, despite the extra roughage, he is still full of shit.

3. The true story of a sentient laser printer that feeds on hapless authors' manuscripts. When promising author Joe Hill discovers the truth, he is eaten.

4. Follow the lives of Mary and Bobby, Vietnam War activists in the 70s, now scornful of wussy 90s activists who plot to dub messages onto Blockbuster tapes or to put fake barcodes on products in chain grocery stores. Hell, next they'll probably steal the Constitution and eat it.

5. Priscilla held the love letter from Jeffy in her hand. "What if my mom finds it?" she said. "What will we do, Jeffy?" Jeffy looked up, warming his hands in front of the fireplace. "Priscilla, I know exactly how we can keep your mother from finding that." She looked at him with interest. Standing up, Jeffy threw his cup of coffee on the fire and it sizzled and went up in smoke. "Eat the Document."

6. When yet another creditor knocks on his door, and asks Sam to sign a piece of paper, Sam forces the guy at gunpoint to eat the document. When Sam ends up in jail, his family ends up on the street.


E. The Zero

1. Admiral Dewey plows through stormy seas in his schooner Decimal in search of the dreaded Roman. Will he find him without a placeholder? Or will the wily warrior find Corporal Zip.

2. It's 1941 meets Connecticut Yankee meets Ran as a Japanese fighter plane from World War II slips through a time warp and lands amid a Samurai war in fourth century Japan.

3. A heartwarming coming-of-age tale in which a Mayan boy struggling with his lessons starts a mathematics revolution. Also, a feathered serpent.

4. When the boss stiffed me on the pay, I just added another zero. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a new career.

5. He was a handsome Confederate general, she a daring Northern spy. He held her in his arms and whispered, “Nothing can divide us.” Turns out that wasn’t true.

6. It's a week after 9/11, and everyone's out to make a buck, from firemen, who shill for First Responder cereal, to cop Brian Remy, who gives guided tours of Ground Zero to celebrities.




Answers


Below


Keep Going




A. 4*; B. 4; C. 3; D.4; E. 6


* winner

New Beginning 215

Laura Evans pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezed her eyes shut and willed her mother to shut up. "Mom, I love you. I'd do anything for you. But not this."

"You have to! I don't have anyone else!"

"Get Bridget to watch the store." Laura jerked open the freezer and grabbed a bag of peas, then walked to the living room, falling back onto her couch and placing the frozen veggies on her forehead. The headache didn't care.

"The last time Bridget watched the store, I ended up missing a full case of cherry-flavored condoms! Can you imagine? A case!"

So much wrong with that sentence, Laura almost laughed. First of all, one's mother shouldn't own an adult store. Secondly, Bridget flirted with seventy if she was a day.

"She says that Old Clancy, since he retired from accounting, likes for her to—"

"Mother! Stop!"

Too late. The visuals flooded her brain.


When Laura arrived at the store, Bridget was waiting outside. "Heard your ma's out of town," she said. "Thought you might need some help."

Looking at Bridget's face, softly creased with age, eyes bright as a toy panda, Laura couldn't imagine the shenanigans her mom had suggested. "Okay," she said reluctantly as she unlocked the door. "I guess I could use some company."

Bridget and Laura chatted amiably as Laura prepared for opening. Having Bridget around was almost like having her grandmother back.

"Just make some tea, shall I?" Bridget asked while Laura did a quick check of the merchandise.

Laura smiled. That would be nice.

"Oh, by the way . . . " Bridget leant in closer, confiding a secret. "Last month when I minded for your ma, I threw out a whole box of that cherry gum. Sure, it lasts forever and blows great bubbles, but it tasted like crap."

It was all Laura could do not to burst out laughing. "I'll let mom know not to order more," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Y'know," Bridget went on, "you just can't beat a good old stick of Wrigley's to take away the taste of a man's juices."


Opening: Brenda Bradshaw.....Continuation: ril

New Beginning 214

"Um, what was in Beaker 3E again?"

It was the last thing he'd ever hoped to hear in his lab. The last thing any scientist wanted to hear anywhere, really. And Dr. Bart Baker hoped with all his heart that his assistant hadn't done anything remotely close to what his imagination conjured.

"Gale, tell me you didn't do anything . . . taxing."

"I didn't do anything taxing."

Bart sighed, wondering why he didn't feel relieved. He methodically finished measuring the hydrochloric acid. No sense screwing up two experiments. When finished, he turned to study the expression on his current graduate assistant's face. The worried frown there failed to reassure him. "All right. What did you do?"

The girl's pretty face paled further. "Nothing, Dr. Baker." She gulped, her blue eyes too wide. "I just sorta . . . lost it."

He blinked very slowly. "Gale . . . " He didn't know why he paused; he just couldn't seem to think of anything else to say.

He walked over to the window of the lab. The view over the city always helped clear his mind.

“Dr. Baker, I . . . ” Gale’s voice started to crack. Bart closed his eyes, praying she wasn’t going to cry. “I remember I had it in the kitchen this morning--”

Bart’s eyes flicked open. “You took it home?” Unbelievable. “That was a highly concentrated sample. Months of effort. And you took it home? On the subway?”

“I was behind in my notes. Anyway, I had it this morning. It was on the kitchen counter, right next to . . . my husband’s travel mug . . . uh oh.”

Something caught Bart’s eye, over by the Rocklyn Center. No: in the Rocklyn Center. A huge, pale monolith -- like something from Kubrick’s 2001--was rising over the city, casting shadows across the neighboring buildings; an enormous, pale obelisk; a massive . . .

“Gale, does your husband, by any chance, work near the Rocklyn Center?”

“He works for Rocklyn Aggregates, why?”

Bart smiled and let out his breath. There was more work to do, but it looked like the new ED drug would soon have Viagra's market share drooping.


Opening: Gutterball.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 273

Guess the Plot

One Small Night

1. It was just one small night, out of 365 that year, but June 18th, when a herd of zombie cows came through Butte, seemed like it would last forever.

2. Smedrick the Sorcerer congealed the entire year's nights into marbles to impress the object of his affections, Princess Plubea. She couldn't have cared less, until he lost one: her sixteenth birthday. Now she'll never be old enough to drive, and oh! is she pissed.

3. Sentenced to dig trenches from dusk till dawn, serial killer Joe Ogilvie figures he's gotten off easy--until he learns his sentence will be served at the south pole, where one night lasts six months.

4. Madeline Jones wakes up one night to find that she's only six inches tall. Any other time, it would have been okay, but if she can't return to normal before dawn today, she'll miss the first day of school.

5. Noreen had been looking forward with anticipation to the junior prom. Now she's looking forward with trepidation to the results of her pregnancy test.

6. The tale of Sir Enneth, a diny night from Denmar, and the sneay warloc who idnaped all the letter 's.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Waking up in the middle of the night to discover you’ve been shrunk to one-tenth your normal height would be disturbing. [Let's examine that claim:

Advantages of being tiny

Lower food, clothing and housing costs.
Easy to sneak into movie theater.
Elevator never so full you can't squeeze in.
Chihuahua rides.
Able to hide in bowl of mixed nuts.

Disadvantages of being tiny

Farsighted hairstylist could cut your head off.
Cats.
Can't lift bowling ball.
Too short to ride roller coaster.
Lawnmowers.]

Learning you may be stuck that way forever would be devastating. But realizing you’re going to miss the first day of school? Catastrophic on an epic scale. [You can't miss school if you've been shrunk. Is anyone gonna buy this: Please excuse Madeline for missing school yesterday; she was only six inches tall, so she couldn't climb the steps of the school bus.]

Madeline Jones, a twelve-year-old girl who loves school, marshmallows, and toe socks, [Evil Editor likes to put a mini-marshmallow in each toe of his toe socks. It cushions the blow when I kick authors out of my office. Plus my toes end up smelling--and tasting--sweet.] wakes up one night to discover she’s only six inches tall. To blame is a kindly, absent-minded sleep gnome named Jerry, who, between tearful outbursts, tells her he doesn’t know how to fix her.

One Small Night is a middle grade novel filled with mythical creatures, magic, and conspiracy. With the help of a cranky elf named Frank, his hyperactive sister Doris, and a beautiful but conflicted fairy named Ingrid, Maddie and Jerry race against the waning night and a group of power-hungry fairies to find a way to return Maddie to her normal size in time to start seventh grade the next morning. In the process, they discover a truth that has been hidden from the magical world since the time of Eden.

With its light, humorous tone and quirky, lovable characters, One Small Night is a delightful, slightly off-the-wall read that will appeal to boys and girls ages eight to twelve. At approximately 42,500 words, this novel is complete.

While at college, I tossed away a promising career as a veterinarian in order to become a creative writing major, much to my parents’ dismay. [Next time, listen to your parents.]

[A Veterinarian's Life

Make animals feel better.
Make pet owners feel better.
Cash huge paycheck every week.

A Writer's Life

Try to think of something to write.
Wait for inevitable rejection.
Cash puny check every six months.]

I now work as an editorial assistant for a division of Random House. [See if anyone there wants to publish Novel Deviations 2, will you?] Though presently unpublished, I plan to base my career—and life—on the craft of words. [Considering what they're paying you, the least Random House should do is publish your book. Think what laughingstocks they'd be if their own employee wrote the next Harry Potter, and it got published by Scholastic. They can't afford to take that risk. Make sure you point that out to them when you submit it.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Clearly written and sounds cute. I'd probably leave off the word "delightful." The idea is to convince the reader that the book is delightful without actually declaring it as fact. As for the part about switching from veterinary school to creative writing, are you trying to convince the reader you're insane?

If this book is to appeal to boys in 6th and 7th grade, you might want to elaborate on the conspiracy or make the bad guys power-hungry dwarfs. Fairies aren't gonna cut it as villains for 12-year-old boys now that they've seen orcs.

New Beginning 213

England
August 25th, 1485

Catherine didn't think the man lying on the dusty ground outside the kitchen was dead, but he did not look healthy, either. Outside the dented breastplate of his armor, bloodstained tatters of clothing barely covered his huddled form and his hair was so matted with filth she could not discern its color. His right leg bent at an odd angle. She could not imagine how painful it must have been for him to drag himself here with a broken leg.

He looked like a man who had just been through a war, which of course he must have. Several soldiers had passed by Redbourne Manor on their ways home, or perhaps to the docks and attempted escape from the country. Yes, the man lying on the dirt at her feet must be another survivor of the recently fought battle. The only question was, for whom had he fought?

She gathered up her skirts and squatted beside him. "Gentle knight, you are hurt."

The man groaned and muttered something that sounded like the word "water."

Catherine raised her voice. "Mab, bring water for this poor soldier."

Fat Mab waddled out of the kitchen, her three chins hidden behind a none-too-clean wimple. She carried a jug of water, recently drawn from the well. The knight's eyes lit up, and he struggled to sit.

Catherine helped him. "There you go, good sir." She accepted the jug from Mab. "I must know," she said. "What news? For whom did you fight?"

"For Richard," the knight gasped through cracked lips. "For the rightful Plantagenet king."

"Ah," Catherine said, withholding the jug and letting him tumble back into the dust. "Wrong answer. My husband is Duke Henry's man."

She handed the jug back to the servant and turned toward the door. "Mab," she said, "isn't it time milord's hunting dogs had their exercise? Let them into the yard, won't you?"


Opening: December Quinn.....Continuation: Marissa Doyle

Q & A 95

What I am trying to understand in reading the critiques of all these queries is the difference between query material and synopsis. EE and minions seem to ask for more plot, more detail, more, more, more -- but keep it all under 200 words.

One agent, Nathan Bransfeld on his blog, asked to see a full "in ten seconds flat" based on the following. This is the first half of the letter. The rest of the letter is competition and poetry pub credits and a demonstration the writer researched the agent's site. So based on 3 sentences about the story, and a little flattery, the agent bit.

"Sixteen-year-old Hannah's faith was seriously injured by the accident that killed her sister, so when her chance at popularity – senior Will Raditz – moves into the basement, she sets aside following God to fit in with boys, friends, and fashion trends. Eventually, she must decide: is it time to pull the plug on faith? The 67,500 words of my inspirational young adult novel The Boy in the Basement follow Hannah's unique and often humorous journey to the answer of this question."

I have lots of plot and motivation questions after reading that, but it's being held up as an exemplary query. So how much should the query include, and how much should be left for the synopsis to handle? Is querying an agent different from querying an editor? Or, is it all simply a crapshoot anyway?


Evil Editor decided to take a look at the query in question. He Googled Nathan Bransfeld, but Google never heard of him. It asked if I meant Nathan Brandfield. I said, "Umm, maybe."

It said, "Nyaah nyaah, he doesn't exist either. Would you like to try Nathan Hale?"

I said, "No." After shooting in the dark with Branflakes, Brando and Brainfart, I finally struck gold with Bransford.

There's a bit more about the book than those three sentences. There's also: Emily Ever After is similar to my writing in that it represents a Christian who makes mistakes as she struggles to follow her beliefs in a world where it is easier to join the crowd.

Oh, and there's also: You can read the first chapter of The Boy in the Basement on my website, _______________ .

Good luck convincing me the agent requested the full manuscript in ten seconds without a peek at that chapter. (Though I must confess that if I peeked at that chapter, I'd have taken fewer than ten seconds to turn thumbs down--simply because I wouldn't want to slog through a novel written in present tense.)

It is, of course, a crapshoot. If an agent hears that a certain publisher is seeking inspirational teen novels, and this query arrives later that day, it's going to sound more attractive than it would have if he'd just heard that publishers had so many inspirational teen novels lined up, they wouldn't be buying more until 2044.

The query letter is the first sample of your writing that the agent sees. It should demonstrate that you can write effectively, and it should make the agent want to read the book. If you can make someone want to read your book with three sentences, go for it. Odds are against you with EE, but not with everyone. Most of the early queries in the archives include revised versions; you might take a look at a few. Here's a query in which the plot was described in two sentences. EE revised it by adding specificity, but not length. Maybe it would make you want to read the book.

If you're sending a synopsis with your query letter, a brief description of the book is fine. No point in saying the same thing twice. But if you can boil your synopsis down to fit in the body of the query, that's fine too. In fact, it's better. Given the choice between reading one page about your book or two, I think you can guess which way EE would lean.

Face-Lift 272

Guess the Plot

Spoil of War

1. After enslaving Elsbeth's people, murdering Elsbeth's beloved father, and burning down Elsbeth's house, King Leo tries to win the heart of . . . Elsbeth.

2. People are dying left and right, but Toto has a more immediate concern on his mind. How to camouflage the green spots on the hamburgers.

3. Raiding pirates discover the legendary spoils of Figueira da Foz just aren't rich enough to be plural. They then sue the town for false advertising. Also, an angry homosexual duck.

4. After a 47-day stint without cheesecake or bananas, sergeant Luke Winkle designs and builds the world's first armored freezer unit and tows it behind his tank on the battlefields of Iraq.

5. Two countries war for six centuries, each fighting to win a coveted object they believe the other to possess, only to discover that neither country has the object, that the object does not exist . . . and never existed.

6. Jean Volerie invents tinned beef for Napoleon's army--but is he loyal to L'Empereur or is he Wellington's spy, intent on decimating the French army with botulism?


Original Version

Attn:

Set in Southern England during the early 5th century, SPOIL OF WAR is a highly sensual historical romance that dovetails with the popular Arthurian Romance Cycle -- differing from most related works because it doesn’t try to retell any of the established legends; instead, it builds upon them, expanding the genealogy of the Arthurian family tree.

Eighteen-year-old Elsbeth, daughter of a duke of the Old Blood, sees her beloved father slain, her people felled or slaved, and her home torched by order of a young Roman-Christian king, Leodegrance. [However, as Leo is rather hunky, all is forgiven.]

Leodegrance, besotted by Elsbeth’s Northern spirit, claims her as a spoil and steals her away to Cameliard, his home. [Which got its name because it smells like a camel yard.] There, the king, a man of studied conscience when not pressed by rank or oath, undertakes to win her love. No matter their differences in heritage or religion. No matter that duty forced him to take her father’s lands and life. [Forced him? He's the king. He can't exactly say, "Sorry hon, I was just following orders.] And no matter the wife he has already wed to unite two kingdoms.

[Leodegrance: Darling, I realize I enslaved your people, murdered your father and torched your house, but if you could set that aside a moment . . . Will you marry me?

Elsbeth: You gotta be kiddin', pal.

Leo: Seriously, I thought those were someone else's father, people and house. Imagine my embarrassment when I found out they were yours.

Elsbeth: You're already married anyway, idiot.

Leo: Hey, I'm the king. Wives come and go in this business.

Elsbeth: Then if I agree to marry you, you'll agree to renounce your heritage and religion, kill your wife, and set my people free?

Leo: Consider her dead.]

Only the knight errant who arrives wounded to the castle and forces his advances upon Elsbeth can turn Leodegrance from his desire. [Wait a minute. You've been wounded in battle. You somehow manage to drag yourself twenty miles without bleeding to death, and as you're about to collapse, you spot a castle. With the last of your strength you swim across the moat, climb the wall and bang on the castle gate. The king is kind enough to give you sanctuary. And before he's even shown you around the place, you're out of your cuisses and braies, forcing yourself on his babe?] [As I recall, the last time I was wounded, I didn't feel much like a roll in the hay. Especially with an unwilling partner.] Jealousy and distrust kindled, Leodegrance drives Elsbeth from him [From him . . . self? Or the knight? "Drives Elsbeth away" would be more clear.] -- and into the chains of an enemy duke’s prison. [Why would the king's enemy imprison Elsbeth?]

Now, if Elsbeth can’t find a way to escape the duke’s designs, find her tangled way to forgiveness with Leodegrance, and become queen to Leodegrance’s king, then the babe destined to surpass her mother and become queen over a united Briton will never be conceived, never be born, and never carry the name Guinevere throughout the ages... [An effective surprise ending to the query, but what about in the book? Are the last two paragraphs:

"She has your eyes, sweetheart," Leodegrance said. "What shall we call her?"

Elsbeth smiled at her husband, the man she had grown to love despite his having enslaved her people, murdered her beloved father, and torched her home, and replied, "Guinevere."]

[I can find no evidence that the country was ever spelled "Briton"; that seems to refer to a person, or to be an adjective. Of course, my research consists entirely of Wikipedia, so . . . ]

SPOIL OF WAR is my first effort in the historical romance genre, although several of my fantasy/science fiction short stories have been published in various paperback anthologies and for-pay magazines. This is a multiple submission. ____________ at Kensington is currently reviewing the full manuscript at her request [but if I can sell it to you before she finishes reading it, it would be like you pulled the rug out from under one of your most hated competitors].

Thank you for considering the completed, 110,000-word SPOIL OF WAR for your own review.

Kind regards,


Notes

You've given me no reason to believe that if Elsbeth escaped the duke she would want to return to Leo (You don't mind if I call him Leo, do you?) What's he ever done for her? I mean besides enslave her people, kill her father, burn down her home, and drive her into the duke's dungeon?

Although you call it highly sensual, it's not clear (except from our knowledge that there is a Guinevere in the Arthurian legends) where the sensual part comes in.

The big problem is going to be convincing anyone that Elsbeth will ever want anything to do with Leo. Maybe he should just imprison her father, and drive her people off their land. He wouldn't seem so bad, and he could later release her father. I'm sure he must have some good qualities in the book, but if you don't show them in the query, it'll be hard for anyone to buy a romance between these two.

Novel Deviations 2

...will probably exist eventually. At the moment, I could use about 25 more pieces, but that assumes that all the opening authors listed below want to be included, which is unlikely. I emailed those who declined to be in volume 1 in hopes that they'd come to their senses, but they stubbornly continue to believe this would be a disastrous career move.

Anyway, continuation authors now automatically agree to inclusion in a book when they submit. Listed below are most of the opening authors I would include in ND2 (many of whom would be represented by multiple openings). It would be helpful if each of you would respond by stating whether you are willing to have your openings (along with their continuations) included in ND2. If you aren't willing, just say so; if you are willing, your email should be phrased as follows:

I, Jo Jo Smedley, grant permission for Evil Editor to use anything I've submitted to his blog in a book, and I wish to be credited in that book as follows: Lulu Forbush.

If you were to submit the above email, but your opening was published on the blog anonymously, or under another name, let me know which one(s) are yours.

As you may have gathered, if your opening came to me anonymously, or you requested anonymity on the blog, I'd still like to hear from you regarding the book. ("Anonymous" and pen names and blogger names were not uncommon in volume 1.) Some people on the list had openings in volume 1, and have already submitted contracts. You might still respond letting me know you still want the same name used.

Amourpays.....Ann Onymous.....Crystal Charee

I'll remove names from the list as I hear from people.

New Beginning 212

Here are the things he loves about this world: The slow disappearance of his brush strokes into paint smoothing and rearranging itself as though it has always been here, on this wall, on this house. The way he feels the rumble of thunder down to his soles, so much that sometimes he thinks it could be his doing. The sudden moment of silence that captures the teeming steam-liners when the vastness of the water gives way to the exquisite beauty and filth of New York. The bitter shreds of tea leaves that stick to his tongue when he swallows the last of the cup.

Finding just the right word in English to describe a color or a smell or a song.

The swell of the tulips that grow in the village garden. The Brooklyn Ferry.

Robert wonders whether he will miss these things, after Jesus comes to take him to Heaven.


Here are the things he hates about this world: The awful color of not-quite-puce that his wife chose and his brush has smoothed onto the wall, and will always be there, until she chooses another nauseating shade. The way the thunder emanates from his wife's nether regions, so often that he thinks she must have swallowed a Gatling gun. The sudden moment of silence that captures his ears when the vastness of his wife gives way to the exquisite silence of her departure. The way the leaves stick between his teeth when his wife forgets to strain the tea yet again.

Finding just the right word in English to describe the color of her scabs, the smell of her armpits, the croak of her voice.

The horror that he lives with. As big as the Brooklyn Ferry.

Robert wonders if his wife will miss these things after Satan comes to take her to Hell.


Opening: Miss Havisham.....Continuation: McKoala

New Beginning 211

My first encounter with Cincinnati had been a family affair. This was the city where, at the age of thirteen, I had first seen an operatic performance of Romeo and Juliet with my parents. My brother and I had been told we were expanding our horizons, and we were expected to enjoy it. So, in overdrive pretend mode, a skill utterly necessary for psychic survival in my family, we had driven up north, up to see an evening amphitheatre production in the Cincinnati Zoo, and by God, we were happy and grateful to do it.

My second encounter with Cincinnati was an interview with the Playboy Club on my twenty-first birthday. I ended up with a name change and propped-up pantyhose boobs.

I had arrived there at the suggestion of Hoof-Lamp Man. A man with the basic instincts and needs of Neanderthal Man - if Neanderthal Man had instinctually needed to ski in the Rockies, grow his own weed, drink Chivas Regal, and bed Bunnies.

My final encounter with Cincinnati came when I was mugged and shot twice by three members of the Cincinnati Bengals. I had received a ticket to their football game from webbed foot-futon man, and though I'd heard about the Bengals' criminal tendencies, I hardly expected them to attack me while the game was in progress. And they definitely got off easy with that fifteen-yard unnecessary roughness penalty.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. If I hadn't been shot, I never would have met the surgeon I married: big toe-probe and retractor man.


Opening: Robin Sinnott.....Continuation: EE

Why You Don't Get Published

I've seen the proofs, and today I'll give the okay to print, so this book should be available in two or three weeks. I'm printing fewer copies than I did with Novel Deviations, and this book is longer, both of which contribute to a higher per-book cost from the printer. But although I've given the book a higher cover price, to keep from losing money on bookstore sales, I'm selling for the same price as Novel Deviations to those who buy it directly from CCNow (which gouges me for 9% instead of the 55% Amazon takes). Pre-orders may be placed now, at EvilEditor.net and will be the first ones shipped when the book is ready. Shipping outside the U.S. is airmail, so you don't have to wait six months for a mail schooner/dog sled to reach you in Nepal.

New Beginning 210

An unknown figure, cloaked in late night shadows, crept down the hallway towards the entrance to Monk’s Abbey, just to the right of the Cathedral’s pommel. It was here that all the highest-ranking monks, including the Archpriest himself, slept.

Four main buildings were attached to the Church purlieu, Monk’s Abbey, Prelate Hall where lived the lower ranked monks, including the novices, Servant’s Alley and the Dungeon. The dungeon, situated at the tip of the sword-shaped cathedral, was built underground to protect the faithful of Vordis from the sight and sound of evil in the form of the condemned. But the evil being done this night did not confine itself to the dungeon.

Upon reaching the entrance, the figure spoke a word and the door opened silently. Unlike the other buildings, Monk’s Abbey was attached to the Cathedral by a short wooden walkway completely sealed and paved over with clay tiles to match the roof.

Entering the Archpriest’s chambers, the figure bowed diffidently and presented a parchment. "Read it," the Archpriest commanded.

The figure broke the seal and unfolded the parchment. "It is from the Archbishop, your grace. He indicates that your pommel bears resemblance to the impotent testicle of a mangy dog and is inferior in every way to the great spire of his Cathedral."

The Archpriest rose red-faced to his feet. "What effrontery is this?"

"I am but a messenger, your grace," the figure said in hushed tones, and bowed again.

"Then return this message whence it came, and with it take these words: Your gargoyles cling to the entrance of your shed like the crabs to a country whore."

"As you will, your grace." The messenger bowed once more, and left the room. Proceeding back along the covered walkway, he smiled to himself. Their vanity would escalate this quickly. Soon the Presbyterians would have control of Vordis and all its purlieus.


Opening: Michele Acker.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 271

Guess the Plot

The Search for Mr. Lincoln: and the Encounter with Cornbread and the Three Eyed Man

1. When celebrity chef and Yaqui shaman Don Mescalo visits Illinois, he meets the adolescent Mary Todd. Mary spends hours in the kitchen mastering Mescalo’s culinary techniques and developing a fondness for his little cactus buttons. The rest, as they say, is alternate history.

2. After their teacher Mr. Lincoln disappears, three students set out on a cross-country road trip to find him. But someone is chasing them, too, two ruthless criminals with a total of five eyes. Also, exploding cows.

3. In the run-up to the 1964 World’s Fair, the Disney-created animatronic Abraham Lincoln has gone missing, and it’s up to bumbling security guard Gopher Miles to find him, or else there won’t be any Great Moments come opening day. After a series of bizarre, near fatal encounters, Gopher decides Mr. Lincoln is definitely not in the Monsanto pavilion. (Book 1 of the 12-part Unisphere series

4. When American Idol holds auditions in Lincoln, they get lots of great female voices but can't find "Mr. Lincoln"--the one male voice who could make it to the finals. Instead, Paula generates controversy with a contestant named "Cornbread" while Simon is accosted by the Three Eyed Man.

5. When President Lincoln goes missing the night he's scheduled to attend Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater, he is finally located eating cornbread with a mysterious three-eyed man in the White House kitchen. The three-eyed man begs Abe to stay, but Abe's handlers insist that if he refuses to go out in public, the South has won.

6. Her neighbor, Mr. Lincoln, invited Amy over for cookies. But when she finishes eating, he's nowhere to be seen. As she searches his house, Amy encounters a three-eyed man, a giant duck named Lulabelle, and Cornbread Maxwell. All she really wants is to find some more of those intoxicatingly delicious cookies.


Original Version

Dear agent-like creature:

I would like to invite you to consider representing my 50,000 word young adult novel, The Search for Mr. Lincoln: and the Encounter with Cornbread and the Three Eyed Man. [If a man has three eyes, and you're talking to him, is it rude to constantly look at the third eye, even if that eye is looking at you?] [No matter how strange the guy looks, the only thing you'd see is his third eye. Sort of like, despite all the weird things in this book title, I can't help looking at that colon, and thinking, What's that doing there?]

Mr. Lincoln is Mae Be’s favorite teacher. Well, he’s not just her favorite teacher; she is actually obsessed with him. He is more intelligent, unique and interesting than any of the students at Paul Rueben High School could ever hope to be. [That's spelled "Reubens" if you were going for the guy known as Pee Wee Herman. And if you weren't, I'd change it.]

So when the normally reliable Mr. Lincoln misses three days of class in a row, Mae Be panics. She enlists the help of her best friends Amber, the pretty and popular pseudo-socialite, and Stuff, the brilliant but mildly schizophrenic loner, [Bad move. Bringing Amber and Stuff together is like mixing matter and anti-matter.] to help her find out what happened.

Eventually, a search of Mr. Lincoln’s house and interrogations of the odd stable of teachers at the school, yield a cryptic note and a lead. The clues direct Mae Be and her friends on a cross country road trip in search of a bar named the Yellow Rose, a criminal rumored to have three eyes, and his lackey Cornbread.

On the way, the friends get distracted by a genetically altered lab mouse, bizarre roadside tourist attractions, exploding cows, a raisin throwing old lady on a Rascal, a sexy hitchhiker, and their own insecurities. [The longer a list goes on, the more boring it becomes. I'd trim the hitchhiker, the insecurities and the roadside attractions. If it's vital to convey that it's more than three, you can say "numerous bizarre characters, including . . . ] When they finally get to the Yellow Rose and uncover the dark secrets within, their road trip becomes a frantic attempt to escape as the three friends are mercilessly stalked by the dangerous, charismatic three eyed man and his dim partner Cornbread. [Charisma is important when you're running for president, but no matter how charismatic he was, I think a three-eyed man would have trouble getting elected.] [Not sure I'd refer to Cornbread as a partner when you've already called him a lackey.] [I'd leave out "dangerous, charismatic" as well; we already know the three-eyed man is a criminal and is mercilessly stalking them.]

I am a recent college graduate with a degree in History Education. The first chapter of my next novel, a dark comedy titled Sunshine Kids Make Money, [Either you stole that title from the guy who wrote the last query we did, or this is one incredible coincidence.] has recently been published in the online journal edifice Wrecked.

Thank you kindly for taking the time to read my letter. If you would you like to read part of my novel(s) please contact me at______________ or _________. Good luck with your current clients and projects.

Sincerely,


Notes

The names have been changed, but this is the plot of the movie Nurse Betty. Which is a good thing.

This may be as quirky as the Sunshine Kids, but thanks to the plot thread of the search, it sounds like a story, rather than just the (eventually tiresome) ramblings of a character.

Don't let the book lose its focus on the search by including too many side-tracking stops. Dorothy stopped several times on the way to the Emerald City, but she brought the odd characters along with her and they became part of the main storyline. If it feels like the search is being interrupted just to inflate the word count, it might not go over well.

Does the three-eyed man look like this guy, from the pilot episode of The Twilight Zone?

I still say if man had a third eye, it should be on the back of his head. In fact, the strongest piece of evidence creationists have against Darwin's theories is that man didn't evolve an eye on the back of his head.

New Beginning 209

Wiley decided against pulling the knife out of his stomach. Best left to the ER surgeon. It hurt, but wasn't bleeding bad. Missed the liver. Getting to the ER in time might be a problem. His first shot missed, and the bullet hit the elevator controls sticking the damn thing between floors. His second shot killed his assailant, but now Tony "The Whale" Colivito's substantial bulk lay across his legs. Not that wiggling free would do any good anyway. Might even cause the blade in his belly to cut something important. Still, being able to stand would get him a little ways away from The Whale. Tony's soul wasn't the only thing that left his body when he died. The stench brought tears to his eyes.

Wiley winced as the elevator jerked into motion. Then he smiled. At least he had an excuse to miss his daughter's first violin recital.

The elevator slowed to a stop at the ground floor and the doors slid open. Someone screamed and the families gathered in the lobby of the Elviston Heights Comfort Inn all turned to look at the carnage. The small crowd gasped as one and took a step back as Tony’s last “breath” escaped its confines; but as the stench dissipated, a ripple of applause broke out. Wiley smiled faintly. “Could use a little help here,” he said.

The Elviston Junior High Father-Daughter Talent Contest was always a brutal affair, and maybe Vince Wiley’s piano playing wasn’t all that hot, but hey, they didn’t call Tony Colivito "The Whale" because of his weight. No one had been looking forward to Mister and Marietta Colivito wailing their way through "That’s Amore" yet again.


Opening: Inkmandoo.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 270

Guess the Plot

Sunshine Kids Make Money

1. Ten-year-old Sam and his nine-year-old sister Trixie are sick of lemonade stands and dog-sitting. They need some real dough to support their gummy worm habit. Good thing their mom doesn't know about the fake panel in the basement wall--the one that hides their printing press.

2. Although he's an adult, Ivan signs up for a door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids, to try to make some extra money. But when his sales route leads him to a dead body, he decides solving the mystery would be even more fun.

3. A gang of nocturnal art students, the "Sunshine Kids" figure how to make money. Lots of it. They design fabulous bills and print as needed. This works great because no one knows what real money is supposed to look like anymore and Sunshine bills are a lot more attractive than what the Treasury makes. Can Special Agent Dunbar put a stop to it?

4. Julia Pettigrew says the sun shines out of her kid's nose. Boris Llewellyn says he'd pay to see that. Hilarity ensues.

5. After courageously unmasking the 911 widows as the opportunistic whores they are, Ann Coulter is back with a new hard-hitting investigation into the seedy corruption of this “non-profit” organization for child cancer patients. Find out how the Sunshine Kids are raising your taxes, destroying your liberties, and why it’s mostly the fault of the terminal children themselves.

6. Three enterprising children set up a stand on the beach, selling SPF 43 sun screen at a 200% markup. They make a killing and retire millionaires at the age of nine.


Original Version

Dear Agent Thingy:

I would like to invite you to consider representing my darkly comedic novel SUNSHINE KIDS MAKE MONEY. The book is rather difficult to describe, but here's my best shot: (In pitch form, of course.)

The nameless twenty-something narrator doesn’t really like people. He doesn’t like cars, either. He hates fish and likes to smell everything. He has a subscription to EQUESTRIAN DREAMS, but doesn’t own a horse. [So far you're describing Evil Editor.] He hates Tuesdays and loves Wednesdays. His grandpa left him a house when he died. His grandpa was killed by a lawnmower. He has no idea what alcohol is and he hates small talk. Coca cola commercials frighten him and he talks to his toaster.

[Nameless Twenty-something Narrator: This English muffin isn't even lightly browned! I set you on dark, and this is what you give me? I should have gone with the toaster oven. Sure, it was more expensive, but I'll bet it could have toasted an English muffin. Two at once, in fact. You do this on purpose. Wednesday's my favorite day, and YOU'VE RUINED IT! THIS ISN'T EVEN WARM ENOUGH TO MELT BUTTER!! Was it something I did? Okay, I haven't emptied your crumb tray in ages, and you're probably feeling a little scummy. And there was the time I put a bagel in you and it got stuck. Hey, it's not like my life is without minor irritations. You don't know what I have to put up with. Like pedestrians at crosswalks who amble across the street when they don't have the WALK sign, preventing me from going right on red. If they're in such a big hurry they can't wait for the light to change, WHY AREN'T THEY RUNNING?! HURRY UP! Either you're in a hurry or you aren't, MAKE UP YOUR MIND! People get shot in traffic arguments in California, so don't think I won't run you down, and I'm not kidding!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'm gonna give you another shot at toasting this muffin, because I know they take longer than regular bread. I don't know why they take longer, it's one of the unsolved mysteries of the universe, that and why my car keys ARE ALWAYS IN THE POCKET ON THE SAME SIDE AS THE HAND I'M HOLDING THE GROCERY BAG WITH!!! Another thing I have to put up with: people who get the good seats up front at the basketball game and stand up whenever anything mildly exciting happens, forcing everyone behind them to stand up. SIT DOWN!! What's the matter, CAN'T YOU SEE?!!! ARE YOU BLIND?!! YOU WEREN'T HAVING ANY TROUBLE SEEING A MINUTE AGO! Somewhere behind you is someone with a broken leg or a sleeping baby or in a wheelchair who can't jump up EVERY TEN SECONDS!! YOU PAID FOR YOUR SEAT, SIT IN IT! What's that smell? Smells like fish. Disgusting. Have you been toasting fish?!! Did Grandpa put fish in you? That senile old bastard. No, wait, he's dead. I killed him with the lawnmower. Hey, it was an accident. SHUT UP, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! Oh, and do I have to bring up people at rock concerts who yell and whistle in the middle of songs? The performers are surrounded by powerhouse speakers, with blinding lights in their faces. They can't hear or see you, SO SHUT UP!! Sit down, shut your face, and show some appreciation for the hours of rehearsing the performers put in just so they could put on a quality show. I didn't pay seventy bucks for a ticket to listen to you, WHISTLING AND SCREAMING RIGHT BEHIND ME!! See what I mean? You don't have to put up with that kind of crap. No, you just sit motionless on the kitchen counter, like the big glass jar with grandpa's head in it. You don't even do the one thing I got you for. And after I freed you from the cardboard box that you'd probably still be trapped inside if I hadn't come along. Maybe if you had to watch Coca Cola commercials, or put up with some of these drivers who can't make a right turn into a driveway without practically coming to a complete stop, so that I, who was a half mile behind them when they started slowing down to turn, end up slamming on my brakes or swerving to keep from ramming them, you'd appreciate me more. GET YOUR CAR OUTTA THE ROAD!!! MOVE IT! STEP ON THE GAS PEDAL!! For Christ's sake, where's the ding? Where's the pop-up? WHERE'S MY FRIGGIN' MUFFIN?!!!

Toaster: Hey DIMWIT, did you ever consider shuttin' up for five seconds, and PLUGGIN' ME IN?!!!!!]

No one knows what’s wrong with him, because he’s never been to the doctor.

It could be the result of being raised by his insane, senile grandfather. [Is this a query letter or a psychiatric evaluation? Stop listing stuff about the narrator, and get to the plot. Does anything happen in this book? So far we know nothing (although the talking toaster was cool.)]

Maybe he’s just nuts.

Maybe not.

See the world through his eyes as he becomes obsessed with an immoral door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids. During his quest to become a top sales person and win a mountain bike, he discovers a dead body in an alley near his house. He shifts his focus and becomes determined to discover the killer and solve the mystery. (Didn’t I mention that he loves mysteries?) [Amazingly, no; the one character trait you failed to mention is the one relevant character trait he has.]

The world he occupies is offensive, sick, dark, complex and maybe a little crazy. Okay, maybe it’s very crazy.

The first chapter has recently been published in an issue of the online journal EDIFICE WRECKED. I am a recent college graduate with a degree in History Education. My brother and co-author, ___________, is a professional actor/comedian in the Minneapolis area. He is also the In-Arena Game Host for the Minnesota Timberwolves. You can learn more about him at _____________. [If I contact him, will he tell me the plot?] I would be delighted to have you represent me. If you would like to read a sample of my novel please contact me at your earliest convenience at ________________. Thank you kindly for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. [The credits paragraph is too long, considering it has little info an editor or agent will care about.]

Sincerely,


Notes

As one of the Guess the Plotters points out, there is an organization called Sunshine Kids, presumably not immoral, so you might need a new name for your own group.

J.D. Salinger revealed to me not long ago that the only reason he gave Holden Caulfield a name in The Catcher in the Rye was so he could start his query, "Holden Caulfield doesn't really like people," instead of "The nameless teen-aged narrator doesn't really like people." Also, when book reviewers describe your plot, they prefer to use the character's name rather than "the nameless narrator," which gets annoying after the third or fourth time. Guess the Plot writers also need names. Would it kill you to give the guy a name?

If you condense your opening into something like

Ivan Gotaname doesn't like people, fish, Coke commercials, or Tuesdays (maybe it's the result of being raised by his insane, senile grandfather, the one who got killed by the lawnmower). But he does love a good mystery.

Obsessed with winning a mountain bike in an immoral door-to-door sales program called The Sunshine Kids, Ivan stumbles upon a dead body. He drops everything, determined to solve the case.

That's as much of the plot as I know, but you know the main storyline, and now you have plenty of room to describe it.

My version makes it sound like Ivan is a kid. Of course, what's a twenty-something guy doing trying to win a bike? Why doesn't he just buy a bike? What's he doing in a program called The Sunshine Kids? Maybe Ivan should be a kid.

New Beginning 208

The only time Alexis stopped reading was when we were hiking up to the camp site for the overnight. We all knew what that meant. If she wasn’t reading, she was talking, babbling. Asking us if we knew that the clouds actually were flat on the bottom. Picking flowers to count the petals and muttering about a “Figaratchi” sequence. It was so bad that Evelyn, who normally wanted us to all walk farther back, away from the teachers, told us to speed up.

“Ugh, she’s such a freak,” Evelyn said. Evelyn had decided we should go on the overnight, even though normally she hated the outdoors. “We don’t want to get stuck behind with the losers whose parents didn’t let them come,” she had said.

The teachers told us to pick tentmates on the hike up. I knew Evelyn would pick me, but I still felt relieved when she motioned me over at the top of the hill. She had also picked Brianna and Jessica to join us. I hated them. Their parents let them paint their nails and stay out until 9:30pm. It was hard to make sure Evelyn liked me best when they were around. Or even liked me at all.

I hated being at this school. I hated the cliques and the constant popularity contests and trying to hook up with the right people. That night, when everyone was supposed to be sleeping, I awoke from a fitful dream to find a shadow leaning over me. It was Alexis. Everyone else was still asleep. “Jesus, Alex,” I whispered, not wanting the others to wake and catch me talking to her. “What?”

“The Great Bear,” she said. “Ursa Major. You can see it as clear as anything. It’s incredible. Come and look.”

“It’s the middle of the night. Like, who’s interested? Show me in the morning. Go back to your tent, and stop being such a geek.”

“Sorry, dad,” she said, and slinked away. That was the last straw. I was done being a teaching auxiliary. I’d been happier when I was a professional assassin.


Gridofsky barely had time to flinch as my bullet entered his left eye, ripped through his brain and blew his skull out at the back. This felt good: satisfaction in a job well done. Gridofsky had given his last algebra pop quiz, and it only cost the Phillips kid a week’s lunch money.

Now, where were Brianna and Jessica? This next hit was on me.


Opening: Leah.....Continuation: Anonymous

Q & A 94 Jarring Question

I was recently fortunate enough to receive a free, detailed critique from an editor who took a look at the first fifty pages of my manuscript.

Now, this editor told me that my prose was smooth and well put together, however, he was "jarred" by a place in the text where a dragon appeared. I was a bit surprised--this editor was familiar with the fantasy and science fiction genre. Apparently, he didn't like how the dragon came in at the twenty-fifth page, because it was too unexpected.

Now, here's my question. As an editor, would you immediately reject anything that "jarred" you? Or can jarring be a good thing? In your opinion, what's the issue with being "jarred" anyway?


You've reached the climax of a 200-page cozy mystery. The detective has called the suspects together. She announces that the killer was Miss Scarlet in the library with the revolver. It's jarring because you were almost certain it was Mr. Green. That's good jarring.

The detective has called the suspects together. She announces that the killer was Thor, god of thunder, with his hammer in the billiard room. It's jarring because Thor had no motive. Also because, up to now, he wasn't in the book. That's bad jarring.

Page 25 is a bit early to be jarred by the appearance of a dragon if the reader is aware that this is a world in which dragons might exist. Like, there've been castles and knights and burned corpses strewn about. If it's been an average day in downtown Peoria for 25 pages, I might consider a dragon jarring.

On the other hand, if it's been an average day in Peoria for 25 pages, you might need a dragon to keep me from tossing the book aside and picking up a better one.

Oscar Awards Guess the Plot 1

Little Miss Sunshine

1. In the early 1990s, entrepreneur Roger Brisbane, embarrassed by the widely publicized scandals of the coke-snorting, sex tape-making whores who usually win his beauty contests, quits the adult pageant business and decides to try the pre-teen pageant circuit in peaceful Boulder, Colorado. After a few months of resettling, life is good. Sure, those Ramseys are a pain in the ass, but it’s not like they cause any real trouble.

2. When a terrorist band in Afghanistan happens upon a war-orphaned six-year-old, they bring her back to their cave and raise her as their own, eventually seeing the error of their ways as the child brings love and meaning into their lives.

3. HD 142022 has grown accustomed to her humdrum life: rotate every 12.5 days, maintain her heliosheath, the usual. But when a class A9 IV swings into her neighborhood, will opposites attract, or is that 7,390 kelvin surface temperature only corona-deep?

4. Ever jealous of the Fantastic Four, four evildoers decide to create their own group of superpowers. When Hard Mr. Rain, Loud Mr. Thunder, Big Mr. Hurricane and Fast Mr. Tornado get together, only Little Miss Sunshine stands between them and world destruction.

5. Mutant zombie cows from the planet Maybley invade the tiny village of Sunshine, Nebraska on the day that Emmeline, daughter of the Mish-Nand king, dies. Do they bring resurrection or merely salvation?

6. A teenager gets more than she bargains for when she starts an Internet porn web site, calling herself "Little Miss Sunshine." How could she have expected the vampire Mortada to be so intrigued by a lady of the night with such a name?

7. A gay Proust scholar, a drug addict, a Nietzsche follower, a chain smoker and an inept motivational speaker cram into a VW bus to transport little Olive cross-country to the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant. Hilarity ensues.

8. Between bone-crushing car crashes and rampaging, undead zombies and sex-crazed alpacas, Little Miss Sunshine auditions for the role of Gabriel before co-directors God and Satan. Will she lead the angelic host through the buttery golden gates or tap dance the boogie-woogie over hot coals?

9. In a burst of brilliant pink petticoats, Amelia blooms into the world of fashion, fashionistas and vampires. Can she save her date, Raoul the goat boy, or must they share a dark life together subsisting on anorexic models and aged semi-dames who rule the fashion world?


Babel

1. Gnis kree bloknok glubglub waagi, glubglub waagi baagi boo. Gnis baagi-tragi bleggi-degi plobglub Snarkling knick? Kree glubglub Barbara Bauer joojub koodoo?

2. Nayeeda and Ashia, brothers of the Panther Moonlet, gamble the royal mishnik at the new nightclub Babel where no one speaks the same language.

3. Naruntin gribbles the wmorf-art onto velvet, while zitoinga ornionicates the marple. Sneeple gleeps jingle in absolute terror.

4. Jen digs Brad. Brad digs Jen. Brad marries Jen. Brad divorces Jen. Angie digs Brad. Brad knocks Angie up. Jen seduces Brad. Brad gets caught by Angie. Angie’s pissed at Brad. Jen’s pissed at Brad. There’s only one thing Brad can do.

5. A Moroccan family acquires a rifle to protect their goats. Wait, it gets better. One of them shoots someone. The press screams Terrorism. Disaster follows, mainly in Mexico. And Japan. Not clear what happens to the goats.

6. Big Jimmy Johnson is going to build the best skyscraper on Fifth Avenue--one so high that it might even reach God. But when all his foremen start speaking in different languages, how is he ever going to finish the project and come in under budget?

7. After the success of 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' another Flemish painter gets the Hollywood treatment. After a childhood accident damages his hearing, Pieter Breughel descends into a world of silence. Regaining his hearing as an adult is a mixed blessing. Tortured by the high-pitched voices of his maidservants, he creates his ultimate masterpiece . . . Babel.

8. A sprightly love story of star-crossed lovers. He is the prince of Aldebaran and holder of the golden crown. He is the duke of Betelgeuse and guardian of the sacred stones. They meet on the Man-Tastic satellite and fall in love. But he’s a Capricorn and he’s a Taurus and that’s a match definitely not made in heaven.

9. Five hundred languages at deafening levels. That's what UN translator Darla Wyatt had to endure the day that WWIII broke out. Could she translate for the peace talks between the Iranians and the North Koreans? Would she save the world from nuclear holocaust, or would the fate of the planet be doomed due to . . . Babel?


The Departed

1. The second movie in the macabre DON'T FLY trilogy. It comes after Terminal and before Crash.

2. The experience of a long-distance train journey is paralleled with the experience of death. Both involve tunnels, darkness and, ultimately, arrival--but arrival where? A twist ending where you would least expect it.

3. Hilary Swank plays a mousy librarian looking for love in all the wrong places--especially in the Viagracon, a long lost book about erotic ghosts. When she finds the book, it conjures up the man of her dreams. It also turns her into a lesbian. Also: Patrick Swayze as Botox, the friendly ghost.

4. It's Waiting for Godot for a modern audience: two men in a bus station discuss the remarkable physical, psychological, and spiritual makeup of their companion who just left.

5. Rookie travel agent, Alister McBride, discovers that the cruises his boss books for clients are not sailing to Barbados, but directly into the bowels of Hell. When Alister wins a complimentary Employee of the Month trip to Disney World, can he convince his boss he’d rather go on the cruise?

6. When the dead return to the town of Tindervale with pale skin and a lust for brains, Kate Dunn does what any sensible housewife would do: gather them into an army to conquer Des Moines.

7. Airplanes have been taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport... but they've not been landing anywhere. Can NTSB agent Carrie Munson discover what has happened to... The Departed?

8. Three priests, five family members, and forty friends stand around talking about the recently-deceased Daisy Pushups. For two hours.

9. When a gangster infiltrates the Boston police force, and a police officer infiltrates the gang, it can lead only to hilarity--or to lots of guys getting shot in the head. Maybe both.


Letters from Iwo Jima

1. Dear Ma: Set up a U.S. flag on a pile of rubble today, but some jackhole photographer made us take it down and do it again. Please send clean socks and Wonderbread. Love, Joey.

2. A Japanese general finds a letter home in the pocket of a dead American on Iwo Jima. After reading it, he realizes that maybe all Americans aren't mindless brutal killers after all. Just most of them.

3. Susannah has just buried her father, a veteran wounded early in World War II. Cleaning out his attic, she comes across letters from his platoon buddy Ralph. She does not expect them to be love letters, however.

4. Every war has its unsung heros. One of these is Corporal Hank Simmons, who when asked to help raise the flag at Iwo Jima, declined on the grounds that he was writing a letter to his mother. In a fit of pique, his colleagues raised the flag on top of his letter, piercing it and pinning it to the ground. The movie covers Corporal Simmons' one-man decades-long campaign to have his letter incorporated in the world-famous sculpture.

5. In this adaptation of Dan Brown’s 25th Robert Langdon novel, the ninety year-old symbologist convinces his nursing home companions that the location of Atlantis (the town where Jesus had sex) is encrypted within anagrams of famous Japanese islands. While his companions ponder this, Langdon steals their pudding.

6. She's a lower case 'e' who was just dumped by the word "nuclear" for another 'u'. He's a thirteen-stroke kanji, on a quest to figure out why he contains the radical for "pig." Will it be love at first sight, or will they just butcher each other's languages?

7. Kitty doesn't understand why literary agents don't respond to her queries. Only when she joins her ex-Marine father on a journey to Iwo Jima will she learn where the Post Office maintains the dead letter office for SASEs that lack a return address in the upper left corner.

8. A set of interconnected stories about the soldiers from the famous photo and their girls back home. No one makes it out alive because that's how war movies work.

9. When cleaning out her parents' house after their deaths in an automobile accident, Harriet discovers a box of letters in the attic. Love letters, postmarked Iwo Jima, unsigned. But her father hadn't been there for the battle; he hadn't been on the island at all during the War, so far as she knew.


The Queen

1. The high-heeled version of STOMP! A joyous celebration of dance with spiked heels.

2. This human comedy speculates on what might have taken place in Buckingham Palace in between the death and funeral of Princess Diana. Also, Tony Blair.

3. A fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the Fifth International Drag Queen competition in beautiful downtown Burnank.

4. The starving hive was abuzz: a new drone just arrived, dancing directions to the Promised Field. But when a worker stings him to death, reeking of royal jelly, investigator Buzz Flores uncovers sheets of hidden honeycomb and a coup plot ready to unfold.

5. Hoping to reinvigorate their stalled careers, Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze, and John Leguizamo return for this highly unoriginal sequel of To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

6. The inimitable Freddy Mercury's life story. Bring a hankie.

7. Not even San Francisco is ready for an entertainer who looks like George Foreman in drag and sings like Pee Wee Herman. But will "The Queen" make it on American Idol?

8. Balls said the Queen, if I had two, I could be King. And therein lies the happy romance of the first female electro-ejaculator in the veterinary business and her boss, the head castrator of the animal kingdom. Just wait until she gets done with him!

9. Yet another Dame Judy Dench vehicle, in which the actress plays yet another British queen, Victoria or Kathryn Howard or whomever.



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