Writing a Continuation

I didn't get the continuation.

In a fairly simple scene like New Beginning 140 (scroll down), there are a limited number of ways to go for the twist. A guy's been tossed into a disgusting room where there's at least one bad guy, who attacks him. The key to writing a continuation is to determine what we don't know. It would be amusing, if we didn't know what this room was, to have it turn out to be the detention hall at a junior high school. Or coach class on a Trans Air flight. But the opening author inconsiderately screwed those ideas up. Instead of just saying, As the iron-braced door slammed shut... the author wrote, As the cell's iron-braced door slammed shut. Nice going. So it's a cell.

If the person being tossed in the room were anonymous, the gag could be that it turns out to be Mark Foley. But we know his name is Telrik.

One thing we don't know is who this other guy in the cell is. Maybe it turns out to be Gollum. We also don't know why Telrik's being tossed into the most disgusting cell imaginable. The gag would have to be that his crime, though ridiculously trivial, is seen by authorities as right up there with orphanage burning. Yes, it would be nice if that crime were suggested by something earlier in the piece, but seldom does everything work out so perfectly.

Once you have your twist, it's just a matter of writing it into the story, while assuming the original author's tone.

There are a few openings posted at Evil Editor's Openings waiting for you to try your hand at writing a continuation. If writing Guess the Plots is more to your liking, visit Evil Editor's Gallimaufry. Openings may be emailed to EE.

Of course the main point of this post is that the volume of continuation submissions is falling, and we need some new blood. The volume of openings is also dwindling. Not good; the continuation authors need material to work with. We'll happily take your opening, even if it's from a book for which we've already done the query letter.

New Beginning 140

The guards shoved Telric into the darkness. One of them added a boot to send him rolling though the stink of rotting straw and sewage. As the cell's iron-braced door slammed shut on laughter, Telric tangled in his chains and banged ungracefully against something. It was softer than he'd expected, but with sharp protrusions: Bones, he realized. A person. A fury of pummeling elbows, fists and feet rained on him then. An elbow landed in his gut and the air whooshed painfully from his lungs As Telric fought to breathe, the stinking figure crouched above him, a silent menace in the gloom. The figure leaned forward, gripped Telric's hair to peer in his face. Even in the dimness Telric saw the snarl on the painfully thin features.

"Watch it," snarled his attacker in Erinasu nearly as bad as his own before flinging Telric back against the ground. Something best left unnamed squished under his cheek.

Telric pushed himself into a corner. He brought his knees up to his chin in a protective pose and rubbed his wrists where the manacles chafed.

“We don’t want any trouble from you,” the bony man said. “That there is Murkdel the murderer. Over there,” he pointed with a twig-like finger, “that’s Sudrip the defiler of nuns. Me -- I’m Bukrab, the orphanage burner.”

Not knowing what to say, Telric just grunted.

“And you?”

Telric cleared his throat. “I’m innocent,” he said.

His words brought forth a gale of laughter.

“No, really. All I said was, Isn’t October a little early to be putting up the holiday lights?”


Opening: Writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 213

Guess the Plot

When an Angel Falls

1. They didn't call him Cathetel the Klutz for nothing, but they thought if they kept him out in the garden he couldn't do any harm. However disaster looms for both Heaven and Earth when he steps on a rake and falls into some bushes where Azazel is working on creating the Nephilim.

2. Iquiem is the clumsiest Seraph ever to crash head-first into the Pearly Gates. But when the time comes for the annual Pinhead Ball, she is determined that this time, she will dance with the best of them. Even if she has to sell her soul to the devil.

3. Everyone thought Sedona was the most peaceful place on Earth, but when Saffron suggests that Amelianne's figurine of Ambriel is made of glass, all Hell breaks loose. Literally

4. In this heartwarming holiday sequel, little Zuzu Bailey thinks it's a wonderful life until a drunken Clarence loses his wings and falls through the Bailey's ceiling. Now George has another problem on his hands.

5. Felicity is only 13 but she has it all: Wealthy parents, the sweetest personality and talent. But when she slips and grazes her pretty little knee, her tantrum releases the beasts of Hell.

6. Laura the Arrogant Angel falls from grace and learns valuable life lessons as she struggles for redemption and forgiveness.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

I have written a spiritual book about a subject that appears, in varying degrees, within most religions that have been held by man throughout history. The story explores the realm of angels.

Most literature regarding the subject of angels is in the form of descriptive reference material, or events centered around the effects of an angelic presence on mortal lives. My book takes a unique and bold approach by offering the reader a glimpse into the world beyond mortality through the trials and growth of an angel. [There are numerous novels featuring angels, including fallen angels, so it's probably best to let someone else describe your approach as unique and bold.]

When an Angel Falls is a completed manuscript of 130,000 words. It is a work of religious fiction that takes place beyond our planet, encompassing the war in Heaven, and the expansion of known Universe. The story examines the life of an arrogant angel called Laura. It details her fall from grace and her struggle for redemption.

[Laura: I don't like to brag, but I have to admit I'm a damn good angel. Possibly the best angel ever. Certainly better than these other cretins.

God: I banish you to eternal torment in the lake of fire.

Laura (after ten seconds in the lake): You know, I'm probably barely in the top fifty percent of angels . . . OKAY, OKAY, I'm the worst @#&%$# angel ever. I suck. Now get me the hell outta here!]

When an Angel Falls is a story that reminds us that shame can be overcome with hope and patience, and that the path toward forgiveness does have an end. [That's your plot, your last three sentences. Replace the middle one with specific details. Why did Laura fall from grace? What's involved in her struggle for redemption? Are there any humans in the book? Who are the other important characters? In short, get rid of all the vague description of the book, and tell us what happens.]

Thank you, Mr. Evil Editor, for taking the time to read my query. I have enclosed an SASE for your response.

Sincerely,


Notes

That's an awfully short query for an awfully long book; I'm guessing you could cut it to 90,000 words without losing anything vital.

Why am I pulling my punches? Do I subconsciously fear that if I'm critical of a religious book query, I'll be struck down in mid-sentence? Surely there's no reason to wor

Face-Lift 212

Guess the Plot

Unholy Alliance

1. A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Hilarity ensues.

2. Geraldo Rivera refuses to give up his obsessive quest to expose The Pope and Osama Bin Laden as Friday night drinking buddies.

3. In the year 2017, amid an ongoing world war between Christians, Jews, and Muslims, Athiests unite in a fourth political bloc which is quickly labeled as "godless" by the other three.

4. Nik has a highly enhanced sense of smell, but will that help him when the Archpriest of the Church of Vordis contracts to have him killed?

5. Father Michael O'Malley learns what defrocking is all about with Sister Perpetua out behind the sacristy.

6. Portia Peebles' 1984 Renault Alliance, 'Chuck', is possessed by the Devil. Will a conjugal visit with Stephen King's 'Christine' put him back on the road?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Seventeen-year-old Nik is a thief blessed with an almost magical sense of smell. Abandoned by his mother as an infant, he is raised by a society of thieves, the only family he's ever known. After a theft gone wrong, Nik is barred from his home, desperately trying to steal enough to re-enter the society’s good graces. [I see where this is going already: he gives up his life of lawlessness and becomes a superhero, sniffing out criminals as . . . The Proboscis! Muzzle Man? Schnozzola? Captain Olfactory? Wait, I've got it: Odor Eater!] But his crèche brothers, jealous of his abilities, do everything they can to prevent his return. [Jealous of his abilities? Why, his abilities are a curse! Who wants to live in a community house with a bunch of smelly thieves when you have a nose like an anteater's? The guy on the other side of the room farts, and it's like the wind just shifted your way from the hog farm next door.]

As the days go by with little success, Nik takes a gamble. Ignoring the warning of his senses, he steals a large sack of gold from a temple guard. The guard, disguised as a courier, is delivering the payment for a political assassination ordered by the Archpriest of the Church of Vordis, the most powerful man in Arosa. A damning note enclosed with the gold causes the Archpriest to put a price on Nik's head and suddenly the family he trusted is now trying to kill him. [Fortunately, he can smell them coming from a mile away, for he is . . . The Snout. What kind of costume would The Snout wear? Would he look like a giant nose with legs? A normal guy with a huge beak? Maybe he'd have several elephant trunks emanating from his head in all directions, not real elephant trunks, but scientifically designed trunks that enhance his ability to smell anything in a three mile radius.]

In an effort to unravel the note's meaning and discover why he's been forced into hiding, he enlists the help of Beth, a fifteen-year-old prostitute. [Not the person I would enlist in such a quest, but perhaps he feels she'll be good to have along now and then. Hey, it's not easy finding a girlfriend when you've got a half-dozen elephant trunks sticking out of your head.] Together, they unwittingly become involved in an 'Unholy Alliance' between the Archpriest and the leader of an opposing nation intent on invading not only his home city of Lanberg, but the entire country of Arosa. [I highly suggest you change the name from Lanberg, Arosa to Limburger, Aroma.] [I'm not sure their involvement should be called unwitting, when they were specifically trying to find out what was going on.] The more Nik tries to extricate himself from danger, the more he becomes involved, pulled in by the lure of discovering his parent’s identity and the reason he was abandoned. [What makes him think his parents' identity has anything to do with the current situation?] Soon it seems the fate of the entire country rests upon the shoulders of a thief who’s little more than a boy. [Shoulders? You've totally lost track of your theme. The country's fate rests in Nik's nostrils.]

My 100,000 word fantasy novel, Unholy Alliance, is the first in a trilogy titled, Covenant of Lies. [In book 2, we meet a hero whose sense of taste is so highly developed, he has taste buds on all of his skin. Known as The Tongue, he's quite popular with the ladies.] [Book 3 features Touchy-Feelie, the superhero whose sense of touch is so powerful she screams out in pain whenever dust particles land on her skin. She's no good at fighting crime, but she adds comic relief when she teams up with The Snout and The Tongue.]

I have stories appearing in the anthologies, The Stygian Soul, Chimeraworld #2 and F/SF, as well as the upcoming anthology, A Firestorm of Dragons. I’m also a contributing author for The Complete Guide to Writing Fantasy, and the upcoming, The Complete Guide to Writing Science Fiction, due to be released early 2007, features Piers Anthony and Orson Scott Card among others. Both are Dragon Moon Press publications. [Dragon Moon Press? Again? What, does Dragon Moon Press require its authors to query EE for the free publicity?]

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Outside of a couple minor points (misplaced apostrophe in "parent's," no need for both "suddenly" and "now" in last sentence of paragraph 2), it reads well. More about the Archpriest's plot and Nik's parents' involvement could replace the prostitute, who doesn't do much of anything in the query. Also, I'm sure it comes into play in the book, but I think I'd leave the super sniffer out of the query. It sounds a bit silly.

You might want to stick in something about when and where this takes place fairly early so the reader knows what kind of book he's dealing with.

Face-Lift 211

Guess the Plot

Belladonna Dreams

1. Living next to a floodlit marshalling yard, the Whillikers find it hard to get to sleep at night. When Jean suggests to her husband they try using the night-shade, a simple miscommunication leads to tragedy.

2. Organic, all natural, but it's more than lemonade that little Timmy Leary is selling at his roadside stand, Belladonna Dreams and Coca-Delights.

3. Poisoned with deadly Nightshade by his jealous lover, Mark Rover slips into the netherworld between life and death, Can he navigate his dreams to return to the land of the living?

4. Ghosts Ellen Crosley and Doctor Edward Adams both lust after the same gardener. But so does ghostbuster Sapph Pendragon, who's out to save the gardener and eliminate her competition.

5. Belladonna Butz dreams of being a supermodel. But her weight, the four kids, and her boyfriend, Goober Joe work against her. Will a lethal dose of poison and Jennie Craig solve her problems? Or will she get them mixed up again?

6. When Norton Bupp married the beautiful Amaryllis Belladonna, he didn't know her common name was "Naked Lady." Now the firm's Christmas party is on the calendar, but Amaryllis isn't shopping for a dress.


Original Version

What do an old farmhouse, the ruins of an insane asylum and a pond with bottomless sinkholes have in common? [Wouldn't all the water drain out of a pond with bottomless sinkholes? Wouldn't it be more of a swale with bottomless sinkholes? Or a desert?] Together they hold pieces of a story that draws paranormal investigator Sapph Pendragon into a web of murder, madness and lost love that has stretched over more than a century in rural New Hampshire.

Belladonna Dreams is the first in a series of six paranormal romance novels featuring Sapph Pendragon that I am seeking representation for. Part ghost story, part romance, Dreams is an 80,000 word novel that follows Sapph as she moves through the murkiness of the Ghostlands, searching for both a killer and the person she once was. [The person the killer once was, or the person Sapph once was?]

Four years after her bodyguard and three of her best friends were killed investigating a haunted house with her, Sapph responds to a call for help from an old college friend. She and her current bodyguard [This woman goes through bodyguards like Evil Editor's minions go through keyboards.] [Is a bodyguard that useful against ghosts?] [The five most dangerous jobs in America:
5. Roofer
4. Steelworker
3. Fisherman
2. Timber cutter
1. Bodyguard to Sapph Pendragon]
Maggie head up to Springton, NH, where they discover two psychopathic ghosts hell-bent on coming through the World Walls to reclaim their mortal lives. Ellen Crosley, murdered by the ghost of her sister a hundred years ago, wants to reclaim the life and the man she feels was stolen from her. [Why has she waited a hundred years? The man is long dead now.] Dr Edward Mac Adams wants the secret to immortality.

Both Ellen and Edward are lusting after James Tucker, a handsome landscaper with no time for “psychic crap,” a strong telepathic talent he doesn’t know he has and a deep family connection to the Farm. So is Sapph. But if the ghosts succeed, Crosley Farms will be cut off from both the Ghostlands and the mortal world, trapping everyone within in a Hell with no way out. [Not clear how anyone would know in advance that two ghosts reclaiming their mortal lives would cause this.] Sapph must put aside everything she thinks she knows about ghosts and meld with the spirit of a witch to gain the strength to defeat both Ellen and Edward and free Crosley Farms and James from the shadows. [The shadows? Is that the place between the mortal world and the Ghostlands? Maybe it should be capitalized.] [And where do the insane asylum and sinkholes come in?]

Belladonna Dreams is my second novel. My first novel, Not Your Father’s Horseman, was published by Dragon Moon Press in July 2005 and is currently a finalist for ForeWord Magazine’s Book of the Year in the Science Fiction/Fantasy category. It is into its third print run [Unless you announce the size of the print runs, this is meaningless.] and Dragon Moon has optioned the following two books in the series. I also have co-edited The Fantasy Writer’s Companion and have a chapter in The Complete Guide to Writing Fantasy, both from Dragon Moon Press. [I'm querying you because just once I'd like to get something published by someone--anyone--other than Dragon Moon Press.] Both have also been nominated for the Book of the Year award in 2005 and 2004, respectively. The first three chapters and a complete chapter outline are available upon request.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Belladonna Dreams is the first in a series of novels featuring paranormal investigator Sapph Pendragon. Part ghost story, part romance, Dreams follows Sapph into a web of murder, madness and lost love that has stretched over more than a century in rural New Hampshire.

Four years after her bodyguard and three of her best friends were killed investigating a haunted house with her, Sapph responds to a call for help from an old college friend. She and her current bodyguard, Maggie, head up to the Crosley Farm, in Springton, NH, where they discover two psychopathic ghosts hell-bent on coming through the World Walls from the Ghostlands. Ellen Crosley, murdered by the ghost of her sister a hundred years ago, wants to reclaim her life and the man she feels was stolen from her. Dr Edward Mac Adams wants the secret to immortality.

James Tucker, the handsome landscaper at the farm, has no time for "psychic crap," but his untapped telepathic talent may well be the key to stopping Ellen and Edward. If the ghosts succeed, Crosley Farm will be cut off from both the Ghostlands and the mortal world, trapping its occupants in a Hell with no escape. Sapph must put aside everything she thinks she knows about ghosts and meld with the spirit of a witch to defeat Ellen and Edward and free Crosley Farm and James from unimaginable peril.

Belladonna Dreams is my second novel. My first, Not Your Father’s Horseman, was published by Dragon Moon Press in July 2005. I also have co-edited The Fantasy Writer’s Companion and have a chapter in The Complete Guide to Writing Fantasy. The manuscript is complete at 80,000 words, and available upon request. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Who is the killer Sapph is searching for? The ghost who killed Ellen? I can't tell if Ellen is supposed to be a sympathetic character or the scourge of Crosley Farm. And I have no idea why the other ghost is involved. Does Edward have a connection with Crosley Farm, or is it just a coincidence that he's trying to come through the World Wall here?

Aleister Crowley's first novel, Diary of a Drug Fiend (1922) was about a character named Peter Pendragon. And Crowley's real first name was Edward, and he had a daughter who had Sappho as part of her name. Crosley/Crowley? Coincidence? I don't think so. Homage to the man dubbed "The Wickedest Man In the World?" Maybe. Or is there a connection between Crowley and this book?

There's also a Pendragon fantasy series already, by D.J. MacHale, starring Bobby Pendragon.

Q & A 88 Should I lie about how long my book is?

I have written, re-written, and polished my urban fantasy novel. The problem is that, according to MS Word, it runs a little over 62,000 words (350 pages). It is the first in a series. When I query I don't want to seem like a novice because I do realize that most fantasy is at least 80,000. Should I count it differently?

Standard policy is to multiply the total word count MS Word gives you by 1.2903225, which is known as the Literary Augmentation Factor, or LAF.

By the way, what font size are you using? Your figures work out to 177 words per page. I was under the impression 250 words was reasonable for a page.

Seriously, it doesn't matter what most fantasy is, it matters what range the publisher you're targeting accepts. Check submission guidelines and find a publisher that takes 62,000.

New Beginning 139

Miriel awoke with a start and opened her eyes to a dim red haze. Her head throbbed behind her eyes and at the base of her skull. Her stomach didn’t feel too good either. She closed her eyes again and hoped she’d fall back asleep. But the longer she stayed awake, the more pains she discovered. Her shoulders ached, and there was a fiery burn in her wrists. She moaned and opened her eyes once again.

There wasn’t much to see. She was lying on her right side, inches from a metal wall. She tried to roll over, but the pain in her shoulders redoubled until she thought she would pass out. Then the pain returned to a manageable level and she could think again. A tentative stretch told her that her arms were tied behind her back; judging from the pain, they had been, for quite a long time.

Slowly, fighting waves of nausea, Miriel twisted herself around. Darrel lay unconscious on the floor; he had taken the brunt of the rage. His wrists and feet were bound with parcel tape, and a lamp was in pieces next to him.

A key turned in the lock and the door opened, letting a painful arc of light swing across the room. Darrel moaned; he was starting to come around. Miriel’s eyes focused on the silhouette in the doorway.

“Well?” the shadow said confidently.

“You win,” Miriel acquiesced. “ You can have a Playstation 3. But definitely no more violent games.”


Opening: Jenna Black.....Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 210

Guess the Plot

Less than Mighty

1. When Herbert swings the hammer at the State Fair, he not only doesn't ring the bell, he gets his money back.

2. During two weeks in drug rehab, Mediocre Mouse comes to realize that he does not need to live up to his older brother's reputation in order to find true love.

3. After six years in the superhero academy, Mortimer Minniman is finally ready to receive his superpower. But a clerical error leaves him with something less than he was hoping for, and now he must fight crime as... Minty Man.

4. When ER physician Dragan Sakic proves that several recent "deaths from natural causes" were actually poisonings, the cops immediately assume (mainly because of his scary-sounding name) that Sakic must be the killer.

5. When strongman circus performer Mighty Mike Murphy is crushed during his elephant bench press act, dung shoveler Lester Wilson feels, for the first time in his life, it’s better to be Les than Mighty.

6. Detective Mike Portis is staring down the nasty end of a 12-gauge shotgun, laughing his ass off. Having to deal with gun-wielding thugs is part of Detective Portis’s job. But being strapped with a rookie who just pissed his pants is going to make life real tough or real short.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil ,

I am seeking representation for Less Than Mighty, a 90,000-word mystery, distinctive in its use of natural poisons for murder.

Less Than Mighty is the story of Dragan Sakic, a troubled emergency room physician whose faint memory of his childhood molestation eats away at him when he agrees to have a baby with his partner, Nina Jensen. His world begins to fall apart when he exposes, with the help of Chester Davis, homicide detective, that the death of Salt Lake City’s District Attorney was not of natural causes. [He was poisoned. By three of his eleven wives.] In providing an ailing investigation impetus by revealing more suspicious deaths for what they really are—elaborate poisonings—Dragan draws the wrath of those lurking in its shadow. When Nina is found near death, and evidence discovered at their home implicates Dragan in the DA’s murder, [Nina killed the DA, planted the evidence, and made it look like she'd been attacked, thinking this would throw suspicion off of her, not realizing that this would actually make her the number one suspect, simply because it's been done in thousands of mystery novels already.] [Of course a character named Nina betrayed the main character on 24, so I recommend you either change her name or change the plot.] [Thinking Dragan was also the name of a 24 villain, the one played by Dennis Hopper, I Googled the name. Turns out the villain was Victor Drazen. But here's the interesting part: Googling Dragan turned up Dragan Milicic, a mathematician from . . . Salt Lake City, and author of numerous E-prints, including Twisted Harish-Chandra sheaves and Whittaker Modules: The non-degenerate case. I don't think it's much of a stretch to guess that you based Dragan Sakic on Dragan Milicic, who gave you an "F" in math, and who you've been slowly poisoning ever since you became his pharmacist, just like the pharmacist on Desperate Housewives poisoned Bree's husband.] [Actual dialogue from Desperate Housewives:

Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?"
Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too . . . conservative for me."

The Salt Lake City/Desperate Housewives/Dragan Sakic connection comes full circle; I believe I've made my case.] [Dragan Milicic: if you Google your name and find this article, I beg you, switch pharmacies.]

he becomes the prime suspect of the investigation, and in Nina’s attack. [An ER doctor had the motive and opportunity to poison the DA? And after getting away with it, was stupid enough to demonstrate that the death was from poisoning?] Framed for murders he did not commit, and faced with the loss of the person most dear to him, Dragan is thrust into a shady world of power, revenge and religious zealotry where only the rousing of an unfathomable betrayal buried deep in the recesses of his mind can set him free.

I am a pharmacist [Aha! So you admit you're a pharmacist!] with over ten years as a certified specialist in poison information. [Then maybe you can tell me what to take for this rank acid-gas I've been experiencing lately. Or is it a coincidence that rank acid-gas is an anagram for Dragan Sakic? Why else would you use such a ridiculous name?] The full manuscript of Less Than Mighty is available upon request. An SASE is enclosed for your reply. Thank you.


Notes

I'd turn that long paragraph into two paragraphs.

The language is a bit over-dramatic in places (Dragan is thrust into a shady world of power, revenge and religious zealotry where only the rousing of an unfathomable betrayal buried deep in the recesses of his mind . . . ; Dragan draws the wrath of those lurking in its shadow).

You might consider leaving out the molestation and giving us more about the natural poisons. No need to go into detail, but a couple sentences about the method would help. It's a mystery, after all, and if the poison is what makes it distinctive, as you claim, and if that's your area of expertise, it's a strong selling point.

New Beginning 138

"Is it true he is handsome, this contract of yours?"

Arbelle was combing her sister's hair: long, slow, steady strokes bringing the night tangles to the surface where she could tease them free. Her sister already wore her morning dress and was putting together her face before breakfast. It was a good morning ritual, the brushing of the hair; a time for sibling gossip before facing the rest of the family, and the world that insisted on invading their home.

"I have a picture of him in my safe-room," said Delaem. She put her hand on the brush to stop her sister's work, turned round and smiled. "He appears reasonably handsome."

They both giggled, no care for decorum. "Pictures can be doctored, you know," said Arbelle. "Mother whispered to me one night that Father's picture was at least ten years out of date when she came to compare it to the flesh!"

"Indeed," Dalaem said, "but I sent a maid to verify his likeness. His skin is smooth and taut as a nectarine's."

They laughed wantonly at this. "But skin can be tighted," said Arbelle. "Father told me Aunt Constance's face was so stretched she could but grin like an imbecile."

"Oh, but he can be no more than twenty-five, for his teeth are perfectly white." Dalaem stretched her lips to show her own teeth, and they giggled again like infants.

"But teeth can be whitened. Grandmother told me how Uncle Thorgood had every tooth replaced with pearl." Arbelle smiled coquettishly. "He is strong and virile, though? I shall quickly have a niece or nephew?"

"I asked the maid her opinion." Dalaem flushed as she continued. "She told me by the way he fills his britches he puts a horse to shame."

They laughed uncontrollably, and then Arbelle said, "But do you not remember the surgery that cousin Silas took?" The color drained from Dalaem's face as she recalled it.


Continuation: ril

Face-Lift 209

Guess the Plot

A Matter of Faith

1. Dan Strummer is engaged to his boss’s daughter, who he loves dearly--or at least he thought he did, until he met Faith, his boss's wife.

2. Gifted research historian Brent Rasmussen uncovers irrefutable proof of the existence - and identity - of the one true God. The world's religious leaders have mixed reactions to the evidence that they were all wrong.

3. Faith Moreno, music director at her church, is suspected of murdering the organist. Will she save herself by admitting that she was in the bed of Father Pat at the time, thus ruining his career?

4. A new high school football coach is the only one in town who believes that freshman cheerleader Faith Caldwell can quarterback the football team to the state championship.

5. Hope and Charity have uncovered the evil plot in the physics lab, where their sister's mentor has created anti-matter. Can the girls rescue Faith before her matter is converted into a force that will destroy our planet?

6. Faith Boodle has always listened to Father O'Malley. But his definition of "good girl" changed when she turned sixteen. And his idea of communion was, well, disgusting. Will the new altar boy save her from her doubts? Or at least get Father O'Malley out of her hair?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

On January 1, 2006, a wealthy Marshfield businessman is found shot dead at the Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania. [For those who are familiar only with the Grand Canyon of Arizona, don't be fooled. The Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania is a small ditch on the side of the Schuylkill Expressway.] The investigation stalls. Four months later, frustrated Sheriff Anna Wells laments, "Only divine intervention can move this case forward." She only has to wait another week. [At which time the case will be turned over to The Saint.]

Earthly and spiritual mysteries become linked, and their answers [Questions have answers; mysteries have solutions.] rest with the fate of sheltered Faith Moreno, the 25-year-old parish music director at St. Mary's Roman Catholic Church. [The solutions to linked spiritual and earthly mysteries rest with Faith's fate? I have no idea what that means.] On Easter Sunday, Faith's father dies unexpectedly out-of-grace. His death intensifies pressures on Faith, as she struggles with doubts about herself, her church, and now, her God. Adrift, she questions God's plan while pursuing Father Pat, a handsome priest newly returned to town with whom she shares a special bond from their past. [Pursuing romantically? A priest? Okay, admittedly a handsome priest, but isn't there someone she could pursue who's available? Say, a detective?]

Meanwhile, Detective Roger Stark balances new fatherhood [I meant an unmarried detective.] while investigating two cases. Who is stalking Faith with increasing menace? Who killed the substitute organist inside St. Mary's, for which Faith is a suspect? [What idiot thinks Faith killed the substitute organist, and why?] [It was clearly Father Pat.] Wells and Stark unravel the mysteries, but God extracts a high cost. [Never mind those mysteries; what about the guy who got shot in the Grand Canyon? You haven't shown that that has anything to do with your plot. Connect it.]

A Matter of Faith is a completed 90,000 word mystery set in Marshfield, a fictitious mid-sized Pennsylvania city. This is my third complete novel, and the second one set in Marshfield with Detective Stark. A fourth novel, also set in Marshfield, will be completed by mid-2007. I've published several Internet articles on writing and received the Gary Provost Scholarship for the 2006 Writers Retreat Workshop.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Does this book have a main character? I can't tell if it's Faith, Stark or Wells. If it's Stark or Wells, you might concentrate more on that person.

Why not mention what the special bond between Faith and Father Pat is?

What does Faith see as God's plan? Pursuing the priest, or not pursuing the priest? She questions His plan, but it's not clear what that means.

What is this high cost God exacts for the unraveling of the mysteries? Is God playing an active role here? God's intervention leads to the solving of the Grand Canyon murder? I'm not sure mystery readers would go for God solving the crime. Although it's better than the detective proving God committed the crime.

New Beginning 137

It was my mother who told me.

"Jennifer, I mean, Thuy, is back from Yale for spring break, Jacob."

One day when Thuy was ten, she had decided her new name would be Jennifer – the name of Loni Anderson's character on WKRP re-reruns. I argued for something like Thea that would be at least close to Thuy. For the fifteenth time that day, she ignored me, and so only her family and I were left using her original name. At least she hadn't gone with Smurfette.

"That's cool," I replied as I stuck my hand in the chip bag.

"When's the last time you saw her?"

"Uhh... I guess last summer. The Nguyens all went on that skiing trip over her winter break."

"That's a long time for you two."

"Yah. But we message each other some during the semester, so I know what's up."

Truth was, we didn't message as much as we used to. Nowadays, it was like a month delay, six hours of talking, and then another month off. It had been five weeks since the last marathon session broken up by Veejay knocking on the door to go to breakfast. I'd wasted the time since then moving furniture around Arkansas and trying to understand some equations on Fourier transforms. I only got paid for one of those tasks though.

Although I acted indifferent, I was pleased to hear Thuy was back in town. When I got home, I flipped open my iBook and fired it up. Once the program launched I tapped in my name and the necessary string of numbers, and then Thuy’s details.

After a few seconds, the main screen popped up. It said there was a 0.95 probability that Thuy would call and a 0.86 probability she’d want to meet up (0.89 if I picked a restaurant with tablecloths). There was a 0.77 probability she’d go for a drink afterwards resulting in a 0.81 probability of her coming round to my apartment with a 0.85 chance she’d want to stay. There was only a 0.12 likelihood of VeeJay interrupting this time.

Cool. Hauling furniture pays the bills, sure, but you can’t beat a continuous Fourier transform if you’re looking to get laid.


Opening: anonymous.....Continuation: ril

New Beginning 136

Nathaniel had been hoping that it would happen in a much cooler way, like getting stung by a radioactive scorpion or zapped by a machine at the laboratory where his parents both worked. Or during an eclipse or a meteor shower. Or after a nuclear accident. At the very least, it could have happened at a better time. There was nothing exciting or impressive about getting super powers because of a food fight in the school cafeteria.

Well, except for the "getting super powers" part.

The cool September morning had held little promise. Nathaniel and his best friend Mark rode their bikes to school, along the flat desert road, squinting into the weak yellow rays of the morning sun. English class was normal. Math class was normal. There was a quiz in Biology, which was not normal, and Mr. Macmillan, who taught science to the entire seventh grade, was abnormally displeased with their results. So displeased, in fact, he felt constrained to lecture for twenty minutes on the importance of biology to everyday living.

Mr. Mcmillan would have done better to devote attention to biological matters in the cafeteria that day. After the food fight, one hundred and fourteen kids lay dead, along with seven teachers, all thanks to Nathaniel's new ability to kill with his farts. God only knew what the lunch lady put in the chili that day.


Opening: acd.....Continuation: kis

Face-Lift 208

Guess the Plot

The Vanguard

1. While on tour, all of Creed’s band equipment is stolen- again- and Scott is demoted from playing the drums to watching over the tour van. Or is he promoted?

2. A geologist, a mercenary, and a genetic engineer are three members of The Vanguard, a group trying to prevent an evil overlord from gaining dominion over all of Toronto.

3. Derek Melsmith's life has hit rock-bottom, what with the divorce, losing a toe, and the incident with the percolator. But then he lands a job working parking-lot security for the local PTA, and a chance encounter with a Chrysler Voyager gives him new hope.

4. Meghan, Kylie and Caitlyn set the fashion trends at Wilmer Lobb Middle School. But newcomer Darleen Butz is about to turn heads with her cutting edge Daisy Dukes.

5. Jazz singer Carrie Bravo has finally gotten her big break: a gig at one of New York's most famous venues. But when marauding zombies attack during her set, will her need to perform outweigh her pacifist principles?

6. Maurice Snoggs has had a promotion at work. Now he has to expand the KrummKorp Inc. empire into new territory - but is Billings, Montana ready for made-to-measure latex bodyclamp slimming aids? More to the point, is Maurice ready for Jesus?

Original Version

Dear Agent

I am seeking representation for my post-apocalyptic science fiction book, The Vanguard, which is complete at 110,000 words.

A geologist, a marketing executive, a genetic engineer, a university student and a mercenary [walk into a bar.] are all that stands between the remaining citizens of Toronto and the despotic subjugation of a fierce new enemy, the Prince, after the civilization-destroying event called the Reckoning.

[Geologist: Civilization is destroyed.
Engineer: The Prince is trying to take over the city of Toronto. What do we do?
Mercenary: We should form an army and attack his legions.
Marketer: We should talk him into taking over Montreal instead.
Student: Let him have it. It's Toronto, for God's sake.]

These five people belong to a small band of survivors, called the Vanguard, who are dedicated to the return of a rational and civilized society. When a series of barbaric acts reveal the Prince's desire to rule Toronto, the Vanguard become rebels against his dominion. [I don't care how big his army is, it's impossible for an evil overlord to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies once he declares that his ultimate goal is dominion over Toronto.]

The Vanguard covers one of the most pivotal junctures in the group's existence. [What does that mean? What group?] A betrayal by one of their own destroys the Vanguard's hideout, and causes most of their number to be captured by the Prince. [I'm guessing the traitor was the marketing executive.]

They face a decision: succumb to the Prince's nefarious plans, or fight back with seriously depleted numbers. [Can't they just move to Saskatchewan?] Despite secrets that threaten to cause strife between the remaining leaders, they decide that anything, even their lives, is worth sacrificing to destroy the Prince. [I can't see an evil overlord calling himself the Prince. I realize princes are guys, but it still sounds effeminate. Go with the Monarch, the Prime Minister, the Kingpin.]

I have a graduate certificate in creative writing from Humber College, and I am a member of the Romance Writers of America, as well as the Toronto Romance Writers. [You're ditching romance for science fiction? Don't you want to get paid?] In addition, a significant part of my job involves writing articles that appear in professional association publications and websites.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's a bit brief, which is good, because I think we need more info about the Prince. A desire to rule Toronto doesn't make it so. What are his resources? Who are his followers, and why? How many people are left? What was the Reckoning?

We don't need to know the occupations of the five unless you're going to talk about them some more. What is it about these five that separates them from the full Vanguard?

Face-Lift 207

Guess the Plot

Four Seasons

1. Summer Lindt has led an introspective and self-destructive life since the acrimonious divorce of her parents when she was fifteen. Her journey from a bright and promising child to a cold and bitter old woman is told through the metaphor of the passing seasons.

2. John Johnson is on a mission: he's collected the autographs of three of the Miss Seasons topless calendar models, but if he wants to complete the set he's going to have to track down Miss Winter's kidnapper.

3. Frankie Valli meets his manager over pizza at a luxury hotel to discuss his idea for a new musical based on the life and works of Vivaldi. Relationships are strained and old wounds re-opened as they struggle to come up with inspiration for the show's title.

4. Four women have their friendship tested when one of them has an affair and vanishes during one of the four seasons.

5. In the mid 25th century, weather control is a reality, and all of the continental US has a year-round climate like San Diego's. But a group of meteorological Luddites are lobbying for a return to having something to chat about in grocery store lines.

6. Chef Emeril's latest cookbook shows how to make authentic Southern dishes using only salt, sugar, grease and preservatives.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

FOUR SEASONS is a novel that explores the different forms of fidelity: romantic relationships, friendship, family and memories of loved ones passed.

Best friends for fifteen years, Katherine, Annabel, Naomi and Stace have a bond of friendship as strong as titanium. But even titanium can corrode. When a scandal develops, the cozy foursome is blown apart. Will they be able to overcome their individual challenges and come together to save one of their own?

Katherine the Predictable longs for a bit of mess in her life. Her friends think she’s talking about not vacuuming six days a week. Little do they know what is about to transpire. Annabel [the Immoral] continuously dates men who won’t commit. [How can she be sure they won't commit before she dates them?] It’s a safe bet. After all, she’s secretly lusting after her ideal man, who just happens to be Katherine’s husband, Mark. [Lusting after your best friend's husband. Titanium.] Naomi [the Silent] stopped talking to her mother when she decided to marry a man twenty years her junior. She thinks her mother is cheating on her recently deceased father. Plus, she’s feeling guilty about being friends with Katherine. [They have a 15-year tatanium-bonded friendship, yet she feels guilty about it? Why?] Naomi’s not a fan, but it’s hard not to be friends with someone who’s saved your life. [Naomi's not a fan of whom? Katherine? And yet the two are part of this 15-year tatanium bonded friendship?] Then there’s Stace [the Seditious], a fair-weather friend who has a habit of magically disappearing when there’s a crisis. [And yet she's a part of this 15-year titanium bonded friendship?] [Let's face it, these women all hate each other. It's a seething hatred that's been festering for fifteen years. At least Katherine had the sense to get out before the killing started.] Her loyalty is often questioned, and this time, her taking off could endanger Katherine’s life. [I don't mind the occasional question or plot point thrown in to generate interest, but there's too much in that paragraph that's either unclear or unanswered. I'm not sure we even need the paragraph; it's raising more questions than it's answering.]

Katherine has an affair and ends it when the lover turns violent. She willingly puts her entire future in jeopardy and strains friendships to breaking point. Soon after she finds out she’s pregnant, Katherine disappears. Her indiscretion rocks Naomi, Bel and Stace and pushes them into confronting issues of fidelity in their own lives. Will Annabel use Katherine’s affair as a stepping-stone to seduce Mark? Can the staunch monogamist Naomi forgive her mother and Katherine? Will Stace jump the friendship boat [The friendship boat? I take it that's like The Love Boat, but for couples who are just friends?] [Is jumping the friendship boat the same as jumping off the friendship boat? Because jumping a train means jumping on.] and flee to Argentina and escape dealing with another crisis? [When you said she disappeared at times of crisis, I didn't think you meant to Argentina. Couldn't she just stop answering her phone?]

The women need to unite and discover if Katherine has disappeared to start a new life, or if there is there a more sinister, underlying motive to her disappearance. [If no one knows where Katherine is, how does anyone know that if Stace goes to Argentina it puts Katherine's life in danger?] Four friends. Four betrayals. Four seasons. [Four seasons? Explain.]

I am pursuing a career in writing fiction full time and have previously worked as a freelance travel writer. I’ve travelled the world and like to weave foreign destinations into my novels. [For instance, from out of nowhere, one of my characters could suddenly up and leave for, oh, Argentina.] Currently I am working on an Adventure/Mystery manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

FOUR SEASONS is a ?0,000-word novel that explores fidelity in romantic relationships, friendship and family. Katherine, Annabel, Naomi and Stace have a bond of friendship as strong as titanium. But even titanium can corrode. When a scandal develops, the fifteen-year friendship is tested. Can they overcome their individual challenges and come together to save one of their own?

When Katherine has an affair, she puts her future in jeopardy and strains friendships to their breaking point. Her indiscretion rocks her best friends, Naomi, Bel and Stace, pushing them into confronting issues of fidelity in their own lives. Will Annabel use Katherine’s affair as a stepping-stone to seduce Katherine's husband Mark? Can the staunch monogamist Naomi forgive Katherine? Will Stace leave town, as usual, to avoid dealing with another crisis?

And where is Katherine? Soon after learning she was pregnant, she seems to have disappeared. Is she trying to start a new life for herself, or is she the victim of foul play? Four friends. Four betrayals. Four . . . seasons?

In my capacity as a freelance travel writer, I’ve traveled the world and often weave foreign destinations I've visited into my fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

There's only one paragraph that has plot details, and half of that one is questions. You're supposed to be telling us what happens in your book, not asking us. Admittedly, the revised version is all questions as well, but I have an excuse: I don't know the answers. You don't need to take out every question, but try to provide more information about what happens.

New Beginning Update

A few people have written to say that they can't submit written permission to be in the book because mailing from Upper Volta is too expensive, or they have no printer, etc. I'm willing to entertain excuses from those who have good ones and have provided email permission, and have doubly assured me that I have their permission. If you're merelybeing lazy, how about taking a moment to send it in. It'll cover you for volume 2, if there is one.

After the recent call for new continuations to some openings that otherwise weren't going to make the book, I've replaced two of them. Though I liked the continuation to New Beginning 29, the author hadn't come forward. And the continuation to New Beginning 40 was dependent on previous items on the blog for its humor. The new versions are posted, though if you want a couple surprises in the book, you can always wait.

New Beginning 135

Lorelei got her name from her mother, who had heard it on a TV show. She hated it and made everyone call her Lorie. She had tried making everyone call her Veronica Samantha Bliss, but that didn't work; so she was Lorie, and nobody ever spelled her name right the first time.

Her mother was disappointed with the nickname, but Lorie wouldn't budge. Besides, her father approved. He teased that it was easier to remember.

"You're the worst father ever," she informed him.

"I'll bet you say that to all the boys," he grinned back.

Apart from the name, and issues regarding curfews, parties, and boys, Lorie and her parents got along just fine. They didn't understand her determination to grow up and be a geologist, but she figured they would grow into that.

She was thirteen, still gangly, with bushy red hair and scars on her elbows from long years of softball practice. Boys interested her. Dogs and sports and Japanese animation interested her. Rocks interested her--hence, the geology--and tattoos interested her, which was beginning to make her parents nervous. She disliked insects and people with negative attitudes. She wanted to be liked.

So she decided to post a profile on Date.org. Lorie realized that her profile, stressing her love of NASCAR, alternative music and According to Jim, was perfect, sure to attract just the kind of boy she was looking for: one with a skull thicker than a rock.

Her parents wouldn't understand, of course, but how else was a beginning geologist supposed to gain experience? Lorie smiled as she sharpened her pickaxe.


Opening: acd.....Continuation: Rebecca

Face-Lift 206

Guess the Plot

Resurrection

1. The devout are confused with the undead as zombies bent on world domination rise up at the same time as The Rapture. Will anyone get out alive?

2. A psychotic drug kingpin who is also the son of a U.S. senator and the leader of a religious cult that practices human sacrifice, kidnaps the daughter of a policewoman in order to sacrifice her on Easter morning.

3. Carolina Moops has twenty-four hours to jump-start her dead-end wardrobe. Will a crash makeover on a TV show breathe life into the corpse of her couture?

4. The Rolling Stones refuse to allow Death to get in the way of performing a final concert tour. The plan? Exhume Keith, hook him up to the amplifier, and wait for lightning to strike.

5. Jack knew he could get in trouble for emptying his bladder in a cemetery, but he never expected his urine to wake the dead.

6. Mary Magdalene's place in history is made more controversial by the discovery of papers showing that a life insurance company sued her for fraud after the stone was rolled back to reveal that Jesus wasn't dead.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I offer you RESURRECTION, a completed psychological thriller of 125,000 words that plunges the reader into the extreme mind control found in the worlds of Palo Mayombe and Santería, occult religions rampant in South Texas. There are no supernatural events here, no spirit beasts, or things that go bump in the night; just the power of mental manipulation that leads to horrible crimes.

The novel is the story of LUKE OEDING, a rangy minister with a dark secret, [He's rangy? Meaning he:
is inclined to rove?
has long slender limbs?
has excellent range when he sings opera or plays shortstop?] and NANCY NEFF, a deputy sheriff. [Who, apparently, isn't rangy.] The two fight to save her teenage daughter from the occult manipulations of JUAN OTERO,a psychotic crime leader who kidnaps her, and is the son of a U.S. senator..

I suspect readers of Dean Koontz and James Patterson might find this topic of interest.
My research does not find any novel using Palo Mayombe as a central theme, while Santería is featured in THE RELIGION, a novel published more than ten years ago. This book was the basis for The Believers, a motion picture starring Martin Sheen. [Santería is also featured in the film When the Spirits Dance Mambo.] [Interestingly, the author of The Religion doesn't make it into the query, but Martin Sheen does.] [My own research into Santería finds that there are millions of practitioners, so maybe this cult in Texas isn't indicative of the norm. Also, I learned that Santería, perhaps in an effort to one-up Christianity, has eleven commandments. Their extra one is Thou shalt not eat human flesh. I'm not sure which is more alarming: that the Christian God didn't command that people not eat human flesh, or that the Santería God felt the need to.]

In one documented case in South Texas a college student on spring break was kidnapped and sacrificed by a drug cult a few weeks before Easter. This was a story I covered for People magazine, and it sparked my interest in the machinations of the real occult world, not one of supernatural beasts and make believe.

I’m a seasoned journalist and published author of four non-fiction books ranging from biography to true crime. [In short, you're rangy.] One was a Literary Guild alternate selection, and another was a True Crime Book of the Month. My fiction work has been for stage and television. I have had two plays produced, and I’ve written for television as well as served as associate producer on a mini-series nominated for an Emmy. I have worked for Time, Life, and People, as well as the Dallas Times Herald and the San Antonio Light. [Let me know if your connections will get Novel Deviations reviewed in Time and People; I'll up the print run.]

I hope you find this proposal not only of interest, but groundbreaking, and thank you for taking the time to read this query and accompanying synopsis..

Cordially,


Revised Version

RESURRECTION is a 125,000-word psychological thriller that thrusts the reader into the extreme mind control found in the worlds of Palo Mayombe and Santería, occult religions rampant in South Texas. There are no supernatural events here, no spirit beasts, or things that go bump in the night; just the power of mental manipulation, leading to horrible crimes.

When a drug-addled teenager turns the annual Alamo Day Parade into a bloodbath, the tragedy plunges minister LUKE OEDING and deputy sheriff NANCY NEFF into a deadly race to save Nancy's daughter, CINDI, from the South Texas drug cult to which she belongs. Cindi, photographed blood-covered and screaming beside the body of a dead classmate, has become the media symbol of the tragedy--and the object of cult leader JUAN OTERO’s obsession. Frustrated when his impotent magic potions do not draw Cindi to him, Otero kidnaps her, sending Luke and Nancy into a race to find her--a race made all the more urgent because in a few hours it will be Easter morning, the traditional time for the Palo Mayombe ritual of human sacrifice.

My interest in the machinations of the occult world was sparked when I covered (for People magazine) a 19__ case in which a college student on spring break was kidnapped and sacrificed by a drug cult at Easter. I’m a seasoned journalist and published author of four non-fiction books ranging from biography to true crime. One was a Literary Guild alternate selection, and another was a True Crime Book of the Month. I have had two plays produced, and I’ve written for television as well as served as associate producer on a mini-series nominated for an Emmy. I have worked for Time, Life, the Dallas Times Herald and the San Antonio Light.

I hope you find this proposal of interest.

Cordially,


Notes

The query didn't have enough plot, no doubt because it was accompanied by a synopsis. I didn't find the synopsis clear enough, and lifted some of it for use in the query.

New Beginning 134

The eerie clown face spray-painted on the rock drifted in and out of focus in the shadows thirty feet below. Christi wasn’t too concerned about falling off of the bridge’s wooden railing as she stared down at the face in fascination. At last she looked away and took a deep breath to fill her lungs with the heady scent of the surrounding woods. She stretched, lifting her golden-brown hair with her hands, fanning it beneath her fingers to let the cool night air sweep across her neck. Then she bent her knees and jounced the rail. It shuddered slightly, sending vibrations through her legs. Seemed sturdy enough. Christi tipped her head and looked toward the star-swept sky, as if questioning the gods.

Could she still do a back-walkover?

She hadn’t performed one since her twelfth grade balance beam routine, eight years ago. Would she still have the skill, the balance? Would she fall? Did it really even matter on an anniversary such as this? Probably not. They’d say it was just another dopey “Christi-Bell, who can tell,” kind of thing to do. Couldn’t let them down, not today.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and without thinking performed an exquisite back-walkover. Perfect. She smiled with satisfaction. Next she tried a punch front followed by a layout step-out. Faultless. She turned her gaze upward once again with another question for the gods.

Is it really so wrong to wear white after labor day?

Her confidence growing, she did a masterful switch leap. The railing shuddered and creaked as she landed, but she regained her balance, arching her back with her arms elegantly stretched above her shoulders. She struggled to glance once more at the stars, with one final question for the ages:

Was “golden brown” the best hair color to have gone with?

She breathed deeply and tried an Omelianchik for the first time. Effortless. She wondered if she could still handle her old parallel bar routine as well.

Pleased with her performance, she tried one last flip; this time the railing gave way, splitting in two. As Christy plummeted toward the clown face, she heard a voice from high above: "Christi-Bell, for the love of God, Go to Hell!"

The Gods really don’t like to be questioned.


Opening: Lori Garceau.....Continuation: ril/Allison Morin

Face-Lift 205

Guess the Plot

The Seventh Treasure

1. One-eyed Hank and his pirate crew are tired of hiding their ill-gained booty on deserted Caribbean atolls and having them found by geeky kids with metal detectors. So this time, they're setting sail for the banking mecca of Grand Cayman--NO ONE'S gonna get their paws on THIS treasure.

2. Deborah Henning discovers the plans for a Doomsday device built with the world's most valuable artifacts. The construction is nearing completion. She now has to race the villains to reach... The Seventh Treasure.

3. Treasures one through six were meant to make Joanie Silsby fall in love with Felipe Lundt. But the seventh one has a different purpose.

4. Ginny Cloober loves the Easter Egg hunt every year. But this time the seventh egg contains more than a chocolate candy center. It contains the key to the universe. Too bad she's only four years old.

5. Grumpy knew there were enough treasures for all of them. He just didn't want to share. It was easy to kill Sneezy, Dopey, Happy, Bashful and Sleepy. But Doc was going to give him trouble.

6. The first six treasures were easy enough, but Finnegan Edwards isn't sure he wants to go after the seventh. According to his map, it's buried in the local cemetery.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Finnegan Edwards had big plans for the summer before his seventh grade year, plans which included hanging out with his friends, visiting the beach, and spending hours sprawled out in front of the TV. Then his dad got a new job and the family moved from Ohio to Beacon, South Carolina, and Finn’s plans accidentally became a lot more interesting- and much more dangerous. [Mainly because the beaches in South Carolina have sharks. In Ohio, the beach is . . . wait, there is no beach in Ohio.] [Okay, Lake Erie? I guess swimming in Lake Erie can be dangerous--you could die in an oil fire.]

While weeding the back yard garden, Finn unearths an old shoebox containing a diamond necklace and a decades-old map. Accompanied by his annoying little brother, Caden; his skull-collecting neighbor, Alex; and Idona, a teenaged girl with purple hair and a temper, Finn hunts down the remaining treasures. The journey leads him around his new neighborhood and into a baffling mystery.

The first three treasures are obviously expensive: a diamond and pearl necklace, an emerald ring, and a jeweled brooch. Then Finn and his friends find a broken watch and what appears to be a human hand, and they realize that some treasures may have more than just monetary value. [Wrong realization. What they should realize is that the watch broke when the sword came down on the pirate's wrist, cutting off his hand as he was hiding the fourth treasure. The pirate ran off, while the swordsman stole the fourth and fifth treasures, replacing them with the watch (which could have been used to determine the time of death, except the pirate didn't die) and the hand (which should be nothing but bone by now, as its location was on the decades-old map, so obviously it isn't really a human hand, but a leaf from a maple tree, a California buckeye tree, or a hand fern. The sixth treasure, by the way, holds the key--literally. It's a small metal box containing a figurine of a goose. Inside the ceramic figurine is a mysterious key which will be needed to access the seventh treasure.] [While it was easy for Evil Editor to guess where the plot was going, the book is for middle grade kids, who will never see any of this coming.] But who buried the stolen items and why? [Are we sure they were stolen? My Aunt Lois used to bury her jewelry all around the neighborhood.] Are they being followed by a mysterious blonde-haired woman or is Finn just imagining things? Finally, what will they do once all of the treasures have been collected?

Avoiding a suspicious neighbor, secretly digging up back yards, and making sure they aren’t being followed are just a few of the challenges the four kids must face. What worries them most is the last location on the map. The seventh treasure is buried in the local cemetery, and Finn isn’t sure that he wants to know what it is. Someone else does, though, and the four treasure hunters are forced to surrender what they have found - and dig up the resting place of the map’s strange author.

The Seventh Treasure is a completed 30,000-word middle grade novel. I would be happy to send a synopsis and sample chapters. Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Finnegan Edwards had big plans for the summer before his seventh grade year, plans that included hanging out with his friends, visiting the beach, and spending hours sprawled in front of the TV. Then his dad got a new job and the family moved from Ohio to Beacon, South Carolina, and Finn’s summer became more interesting - and more dangerous.

While weeding the back yard garden, Finn unearths a shoebox containing a diamond necklace and a map showing the locations of six other treasures. He hunts down the treasures, accompanied by his annoying little brother, Caden; his skull-collecting neighbor, Alex; and Idona, a teenaged girl with purple hair and a temper. The search leads Finn around his new neighborhood and into a baffling mystery.

Avoiding a suspicious neighbor, secretly digging up back yards, and making sure they aren’t being followed are just a few of the challenges the four kids face. What worries them most is the last location on the map. The seventh treasure is buried in the local cemetery, and Finn isn’t sure he wants to know what it is. Someone else does, though, and the four treasure hunters are forced to surrender what they have found, and dig up the resting place of the map’s strange author.

The Seventh Treasure is a completed 30,000-word middle grade novel. I would be happy to send a synopsis and sample chapters. Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Well done. Good specifics, enough characters and plot. It was a bit long, and the third paragraph wasn't carrying much weight, so out it went.

I'm not sure why we need any of it to take place in Ohio. Can it start after the move?

Speaking of hands being cut off, what's the deal with this guy?

New Beginning 133

For some time now, John Burrows had been living a fairly normal life. He had rather come to enjoy the idea. Other people went on adventures and had strange, exciting things happen to them, but not John Burrows. If John Burrows wanted adventure, he could read about it in a book or watch it in a movie. And really, he thought, he was perfectly fine with that. Adventures weren't exactly his cup of tea.

Which meant, of course, that John Burrows, like it or not, would soon be having an adventure.

But enough with the foreshadowing. In order to realize just how truly fantastic things were about to become, it is important to see just how truly mundane things were before.

John Burrows was middle class, middle aged, and of average appearance. The only thing that had really changed since his childhood was this: he had not always been middle aged. In fact only a few years ago he had been not middle-aged, but almost middle-aged. Before that he might have been called young, but that was probably assuming too much, and John Burrows was too careful a person to assume anything like that.

But enough with the backstory. In order to realize just how average things had been, it is important to see how truly exciting things were about to become.

What John Burrows, our middle-class, middle-aged man did not know that morning, was that his compelling chronicle was about to commence.

But enough with the alliteration.


Opening: mrd.....Continuation: Judy Gregerson/McKoala