Face-Lift 759

Guess the Plot

Zombies in Love

1. High school's tough for everyone, but while other kids have to worry about locking braces when they kiss, Francie and Chad have to worry about their lips falling off.

2. After the zombie apocalypse kills us all, Marley discovers that brains taste sweeter when he's shambling alongside Dixie Adams. But then the vampires show up and ruin everything.

3. Soon after Jack starts working in Lisa's pizza parlor, romance blossoms. Should he tell her he's a zombie now, or let her find out the hard way, when customers complain that fingers weren't among the toppings they ordered?

4. Melissa has grown tired of dating men who are interested only in her body. Eventually she meets George, a man who actually wants her for her braaaaaaaaaiiins.

5. John's beloved zombie bride Marsha has been kidnapped. Can he lead his fellow rotting corpses through the city and rescue her before she ends up as fertilizer?

6. Marla Higginson falls asleep watching TV only to awaken in a Zombiefied version of her favorite soap. Will she escape Zombism or, since her lover Brendan is now undead, will she convert for him? Tune in tomorrow when…


Original Version

“I am seeking representation for my humorous paranormal romance novel, Zombies in Love, complete at 68,000 words long.

When he was alive, Jack Kershaw's laziness and untrustworthiness nearly destroyed the family business. Now that he's a zombie, Jack has two simple goals: to hold on to his new job at Lisa Alioto's pizza parlor, and to keep his murderous cousin from realizing that he's not entirely deceased. But that's before he realizes that Lisa's delicious body may be even less attractive than her generosity and integrity, [What I think you're trying to say is: But that's before he realizes that Lisa's generosity and integrity are even more attractive than her delicious body. Trust me, no woman wants her body described as "even less attractive than" . . . anything.] and he begins to wonder-- has he found the love of his life after he's already dead?

Lisa Alioto has always lived the life her parents planned out for her, supporting her family and working diligently at Alioto's Pizza. [If you're gonna plan out your kid's life, always include a section on how she should support you.] But when handsome, charming Jack comes into her life, she remembers the wild young girl she used to be. [You just said she has always lived the life her parents planned out for her. When was she a wild thing?] Could a romance with Jack be the adventure she's always wanted?

But Jack and Lisa are in serious danger. Jack's second chance at life is the inadvertent result of a lab experiment by two graduate students, and Winthrop University-- a school with plenty of sinister secrets-- will do anything to conceal that someone on its campus raised the dead. [Winthrop University is your villain? What happened to Jack's murderous cousin? Why was he even brought up if he's not the villain?] [Are you sure Winthrop is on board with you claiming they have sinister secrets? You can always make up a college name.] After Jack inadvertently infects Lisa, she is equally at risk. [Technically, don't you have to be dead before you can be a zombie?] The two of them must find strengths they never knew they had if they want to gain happiness together. [A vague and blah last sentence. What, specifically, do they have to do?]

The academic sections of this novel are partly based on my experiences earning a PhD in the History of American Civilization at Harvard University [but I used Winthrop instead of Harvard because Winthrop doesn't have a secret slush fund for having slandering alumni murdered]. As an independent historian, I have published academic essays on the American middle class [, which certainly qualifies me to write about zombies,] and on merchants in Charleston during the Revolutionary Era. I have also edited and co-written _________________. Under my fiction-writing pen name, ______________, I have published several short stories such as "_____________, and the novella_____________, available as an e-book from Drollerie Press. “

Best,


Notes

Not sure why the entire body of the letter is enclosed in quotation marks.

If someone told me they'd inadvertently made me a zombie, I probably wouldn't believe them. Until I started craving brain pizza. In any case, I don't think I'd take it well.

When you say the "academic sections" of the novel are based on Harvard, do you mean the sections in which grad students create a zombie? Or is it the part where the students come into the pizza parlor, get drunk, destroy the place, kill someone for laughs, and get off with a slap on the wrist because their parents know a Kennedy?

When you open by saying Jack nearly destroyed the family business when he was alive, I expect him to save the business as a zombie. Just like I expect more about the murderous cousin. As neither gets mentioned again, let's leave them out and open something like:

Jack Kershaw has two simple goals: to hold on to his new job at Lisa Alioto's pizza parlor, and to keep Lisa from finding out that he's a zombie.

Lisa is bored with her life, but when handsome, charming Jack comes along, she remembers the wild young girl she used to be, how she's long dreamed of having a romantic adventure . . . though admittedly with someone who was alive.


Now you have more space to give us some detail about the serious danger they're in and what they plan to do about it.

Cartoon 625

Caption: anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! ink in sidebar.

New Beginning 745

Nina read the words on the pale green card for the last time. Name: Nina Krenkel. Birthdate: 07-08-1924. Birthplace: Vienna. Hair: brown. Eyes: green. Race: JEW.
Then she opened the furnace door, and put it in. The flames flared and ate the words in long licks. It was a ghost-card of curled ash, the words still visible for a moment, slowly fluttering apart in the wind of the fire's burning. Nina watched, transfixed, as her name fell away into flakes on the glowing coals.

“Nina! You did it?”

She whirled to face her younger brother. “I promised. And you promised too.”

“But we never got the fake ones!”

“He said we had to do it anyway. We have to, Gustav. We have to do everything he says.” Her eyes burned. She stood, pulling herself up by her crutches. “You want to go up there and tell him we're not doing it? And let him die knowing that?”

“But Nina—Uncle Samuel—”

“Uncle Samuel is WRONG!” she shouted. “Did you hear what he said? He said crazy. Is he crazy, Gustav? Tell me.” She looked him in the eye. “Do you honestly think Father is crazy?”

Gustav looked at her, his brown eyes wide. “I—” He shut his mouth, and looked down at his shoes. Shoes that Father had made him. “No,” he whispered. “He's not crazy.”

“I know it's scary, Gustav. I'm scared too. But he knows.” Just look in his eyes. Did you ever wonder if dying people can see the future? It scares me, Gustav, it scares me so bad, what he looks like he knows. “He says we're safer if we go. He knows. So we're going.” She stood leaning on her crutches, looking at him; then she held out her hand. He looked back at her for a long time, put his hand in his pocket, and pulled out a pale green card. She took it, and bent again to the furnace door.

"Nina!"

She pulled her hand back from the flames and looked up toward the voice.

"Nina. What have I told you about coming down here? And Gustav, too. You should be ashamed!"

Nina stared at the floor. "Sorry, Uncle Samuel."

"Doctor Samuel, if you please. Now come back up to your rooms."

"Where is Father?" Nina asked.

"If, by Father, you are referring to Johann, he has locked himself in the ladies room again. Now come on."

The old lady pushed herself up on her crutches and headed toward the steps. Gustav, bent-backed, shuffled along behind her, the tissue boxes on his feet scratching along the cold basement floor.


Opening: Heather Munn.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 624

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 758

Guess the Plot

Voices

1. They don't stop. They drone on and on. They nitpick and complain and harangue and argue and drive Simone bonkers. Oddly enough, she's deaf. Also, a hot otologist.

2. With his homeland in chaos and the Inquisition on his tail, Ethan turns to his only weapon: his own voice as he reads his captivating poetry. As he says, A broadsword will quite often kill, but nothing's worse than listening to verse.

3. Telephone operator Doris Spellman is put out of work by a computer. When her son sends her a laptop for her fifty-eighth birthday, Doris vents her frustration on the laptop, which coughs up information on the machines' plot to destroy mankind. Can Doris save us all or will she be sent to a mental institution for hearing . . . Voices?

4. Uber-wealthy oil heiress Stephanie Barron has been deaf since infancy. But when the brilliant and handsome surgeon Karl Weidman says he'll restore her hearing if she'll marry him, she says yes... and discovers, post-surgery, that her new husband sounds like PeeWee Herman on helium.

5. A collection of essays taken from interviews with whoever would give the author the time of day.

6. Annoyed by arguments in the apartment above her, Deb Winkler investigates, only to find the loft deserted. One night she hears a violent fight break out and cowers in her apartment . . . until she hears cries for help coming from above—in her own voice.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ethan is a poet with a rare gift. His poetry [actually rhymes.] can do more than captivate audiences: it can command thoughts, or even alter reality itself. As Ethan struggles to control his new abilities, he stumbles upon the grisly slaying of an Inquisition Operative. [We need to know what the Inquisition is, or else we're gonna think Spanish Inquisition. (If it is the Spanish Inquisition, change "operative" to God's Torture Squad.)] Sent to retrieve a dangerous artifact from a hidden shrine, the murdered agent was betrayed by his partner, and now the artifact is missing. [Actually, I'm pretty sure the partner has it, so it's not exactly "missing."] Without the artifact, Ethan's home, once a safe haven from the bustle and pollution of the city, is suddenly filled with misfortune and chaos. [Ethan's home was always without the artifact. It was in the shrine. Perhaps you mean Ethan's village or homeland. If you name his home it'll be easier to talk about it.] [Similarly, if you'd tell us what the artifact is, you wouldn't have to keep using the word "artifact." All I think of when I hear "artifact" is an old thing. Try reading the previous two sentences substituting "old thing" for "artifact": Sent to retrieve a dangerous old thing from a hidden shrine, yada yada, and now the old thing is missing. Without the old thing . . . See, it gets annoying.] At first trying to avoid trouble and stay out of the hands of the Inquisition, Ethan seeks only to further his poetry career. [You can make a career out of poetry? What kind of twisted world is this?] But with his friends kidnapped by a deranged criminal and Ethan pursued by the Inquisition, he can no longer remain uninvolved. [This seems to contradict the previous sentence to a degree. Trying to stay out of the Inquisition's hands, he focuses on poetry. But pursued by the Inquisition he can't stay uninvolved. In both cases the Inquisition is after him, so what changed?] Forced to confront his own cowardice Ethan must make a choice: continue to hide in coffee shops and gin dens, or learn to control his gift and find the stolen artifact before the home he loves is torn apart. [If you're hanging out in coffee shops, are you technically "hiding"?] [He was already struggling to control his abilities back in sentence 3, so how can you imply that only now must he decide whether to learn to control his gift?]

My novel VOICES, is a 100,000-word SteamPunk-Fantasy that will appeal to readers of both China Mielville [If you're gonna mention him, may as well spell his name right.] and Bruce Sterling.

Thank you considering my submission, the manuscript is available upon request.

Sincerely,


Notes

Your story starts when Ethan decides he must spring into action. But we get nothing about what happens after that. Less setup, more plot.

Recovering the artifact would be a bigger challenge if it were in the possession of the Inquisition rather than one guy.

Why is the Inquisition chasing a poet instead of their traitorous member? Do they think Ethan has the artifact?

It's not clear what you mean by his poetry can command thoughts and alter reality. What, exactly, can he do? Change history? Make every member of the Inquisition think, I must commit suicide immediately? How does he know his poetry has these powers?

We don't need the friends who've been kidnapped, as they're not mentioned anywhere else.

Paragraphing would help. After the 2nd sentence and after "chaos."

Maybe you should start from scratch: When the Jade Scarab is stolen from Numbville's sacred shrine, the village plunges into chaos, and only cowardly poet Ethan Milktoast can halt the descent. To do so means taking on the Inquisition, an organization dedicated to the eradication of rhyme.

Ethan's poetry can command thoughts, or even alter reality itself. But before he can use it to take down the diabolical Inquisition, he must learn to control it. He must learn when to attack with blank verse and when to defend with a rhyming couplet. He must learn the risks of reciting a Haiku and accidentally using the wrong number of syllables. And that no matter how perilous his situation, he must never, never attack with a Limerick.


That pretty much covers your setup, and still leaves room to tell us about the climactic poetry slam.

Photoplay Challenge Results

The task was to write a dialogue scene using any or all of six provided photographs. I chose the submission below to display with speech bubbles. The other two submissions are in the comments. This one is by Whirlochre:

Cartoon 623

Caption: Angie

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Fake Query 5

Face-Lift 454: Stellar


Dear Editor,

The iguana says your breath stinks, but I don’t like the iguana and so I thought it’d be a good idea to query you with my 300,000 word autobiography about Aunt Marge’s alien abduction.

I think the iguana is really an alien, but I don’t know for sure. It’s a really good liar. We always thought Aunt Marge was the liar, always cracking these jokes about a talking lizard in her backyard and a spaceship in her barn. It turns out she kept a straight face because she wasn’t joking.

When she disappeared, I flew out to Orlando to see if I could find anything. I’ve always been good about finding things, but finding Aunt Marge has been hard. I haven’t found her yet, but I figured I’d write this all down better if I did it right away. So there’ll be a sequel once I find her.

It could be the aliens who her, because of the spaceship in her barn and the oil stains on the grass. But the iguana says it wasn’t the aliens. I think either the aliens that left the spaceship got her or the iguana ate her. So, when you call me up with an offer, I’d like some advice: if I eat the iguana, is it cannibalism?

Sincerely,

Todd

--_*rachel*_

Fake Query 4

Face-Lift 366: Mysteries and Cemeteries


When ace homicide detective Bob Bungle discovers that everyone in the Eternal Rest cemetery is dead, he knows two things: there must be a crazed serial killer on the loose, and he won't need to stop at the florist shop to bring his wife flowers tonight. Bungle has one clue: the killer is an anal organization freak, having taken the trouble of labeling each corpse, putting their names and dates of death on stone tablets like butterflies in a display box.

In an obvious effort to taunt Bungle, the killer also buried each of his victims under several feet of earth. Bungle hires a night work crew to dig up the bodies and bust open the boxes in which the killer concealed them. Unfortunately, most of the victims have been dead several decades, leaving behind little or no forensic evidence, like when a body is burned and the ashes are thrown into sulfuric acid, but not that bad.

Bob Bungle specializes in digging into cold cases, and this one's spent ages buried in the homicide vaults like pirate booty. But when Bungle discovers that Eternal Rest isn't the only killing field, that they're spread all over town like Starbucks but without WiFi, he realizes he may finally be in over his head.

Mysteries and Cemeteries is the fifth in a series of unpublished Bob Bungle mysteries. Thank you.

--Evil Editor

Fake Query 3

Face Lift 168: Over Their Heads


OVER THEIR HEADS is a 100K novel about a couple searching for acceptance in a cold, cruel dystopia that rejects its past as politically incorrect.

Hearkening back to big game hunters of the Nineteenth century Carol and Tim invite their friends to share in the bounty of the beasts they've killed in an ambience worthy of the great hunters; Tarzan, Mandingo, Wily Coyote and Zulu. As Tim says; me like game, me like big gun: boom-boom, bang-bang. But there is a catch, while most people bury their dead relatives in the cemetery or keep the ashes in urns on mantles, Carol and Tim shrink and mount their dead relative's heads to display in the dining room for the admiration of their guests. As Carol says -- aren't our relatives as exciting as your stamp collection, or a fine piece of art, or bronzed baby shoes, or prized bull semen.

When Carol and Ted unveil their B&B in the bucolic community of Deadhorse, Alaska, they struggle with their friends, their neighbors, the local police, the FBI, the CIA, Interpol. They have that hopey-changey thing going and they can see Grandpa Horace from their porch, but can they convince their dinner guests that deceased relatives deserve a place of honor? Or will they be doomed to eat alone in dark, dank prison cells? Will this query pass muster with EE or will it die in giggling terror; mocked, escoffiered, scorned and defenestrated? Inquiring minds want to know.

Thank you,

Bob and Alice

--Dave F.

Fake Query 2

Facelift 14: Trevor's Song


What happens when a boy who is as awkward as a drunken giraffe on roller skates accidentally sets the heart of a lonely lady on fire?

Trevor is 12, socially inept, pimply, and basically failing his way through 7th grade. Not academically failing, mind you--just failing in every way that society deems worse than falling off the Empire State Building with a bag of pianos. Girls ignore him, jocks stomp him, and his only friend is his dog. And even she bites sometimes.

But beneath his thick glasses & nerd clothes the heart of a poet beats true. He crafts a sonnet, a paean to passion, and like a true hero in an internet novella he spams it to the world. Maybe, he hopes, someone won't kick in his door and beat him like a baby seal.

Cora is a lonely, plump, forty-three year old secretary who has never known the joy of love. Oh, she's had flings, but those ended faster than a bad tweet. Something about all her cats. Anyway, one fateful day as she dispiritedly opens her increasingly pointless email, she discovers Trevor's sonnet.

Someone Cares. And that someone knows her well enough to tell her story in verse, painting a loving picture of the woman she is inside.

Can Cora and Trevor ever meet? Will it all collapse into a domino pile of misunderstanding, pain and heartache? Will she be arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor? Or can these two crazy outcasts find true, real love in an increasingly cynical and soulless world?

Trevor's Song is complete at 256,879 words. I am a journalism major at West Des Moines College of the Woods at Raccoon River. I look forward to hearing from you.

--Khazar-khum

Fake Query 1

Face-Lift 184: The Naked World


Dear Evil Editor,

Attached you will find the entirety of my zero-word, 500-page fiction novel, THE NAKED WORLD. This groundbreaking new novel is an exact re-telling of “The Emperor Wears No Clothes” except instead of being exactly the same it’s all modernized and the Emperor is really the President and the protagonist is also the antagonist, a guy named Mr. Lillian who convinces the President to go around the world naked (hence the title).

But here’s the catch that will make this an instant classic: there are no words in the novel! What better way to illustrate the main theme of the story? Don’t stress yourself out trying to answer that, it’s a rhetorical question. There isn’t a better way to illustrate the point.

All we need is one good review, and then people will read the book and rave about it, even though it has no words in it! It’s like eating a meal of pure air, but with less chewing. It would be like an emperor walking around naked, thinking he was all decked out! Get it? We’re lucky George Lucas didn’t think of that first, he had an awesome Emperor character. Oh well, his loss.

Cheers, to our never-ending success and countless riches,

--Rick Daley

Saturday Film Series

Writing Exercise

Step 1. Use this random number generator to get one integer between 1 and 756.

Step 2. Search the blog for the Face-Lift with that number. That gets you your title.

Step 3. Choose one of the fake plots and write a query letter for a book with that plot.

Extra credit for including three bad analogies in your plot summary.

Deadline: Sunday, 10 AM eastern. 250 words max.

Photoplay Challenge

Below are six photographs. Create a scene by putting the photos in any order and providing dialogue for as many characters as you wish in each scene. You do not need to use all six photos. Submit the photo number and identify the people as she, he-G, and he-NG, (Glasses/No Glasses)

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.

Face-Lift 757

Guess the Plot

Embers

1. The story of Basil the Foolhardy, the world's least successful dragon slayer.

2. When Karla LeMerrick's job takes her across the globe, she assumes she has seen the last of her arrogant lover. But when he shows up on her doorstep in Istanbul, embers turn to flames. Will grease fire ensue?

3. Lenka Pelakova has a secret: by night she transforms into an enormous burning phoenix, engaging in fiery rampages that leave the town in embers. She'd like to rein in her bird side, but if she does, she'll have no defense against other strange women who can transform into other legendary birds.

4. David Taylor is a high school student, a vampire, and a pyromaniac. He plots a fiery death for his classmates, but a chance encounter with Lucy Ballentine sets his cold heart smoldering. Will Lucy fan his flames of desire or will the whole school end up . . . Embers?

5. Smokey the Bear's son Embers acts out his resentment of his father's pressure to follow in his footsteps by starting a series of forest fires. Eventually, Smokey realizes he must accept Embers and respect his choices. In a touching closing scene, father and son, arm in arm, contemplate the smoldering remains of Yosemite National Park.

6. When Hollywood dance club Embers is firebombed, killing dozens, Homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the name was a little too ironic, and if he doesn't bring home some blackened catfish from Gumbo Street, his wife will be burning mad.



Original Version

Dear Agent:

A machinist’s apprentice in the mountain town of Inavael, Lenka Pelakova has been hiding a secret from those around her: she transforms into an enormous, burning phoenix on a regular basis and paints the night sky with colour and beauty. [I guess that's okay, although the part about the sky being painted isn't a secret, so maybe the secret should be: she is the enormous burning phoenix that's been painting the night sky with colour and beauty.]

But her phoenix half is as cruel and vain as it is beautiful, and has begun to resent its subservience to a mere human. [I find it insulting that the word "human" is almost always preceded by the word "mere."] [Humans are second only to sharks on the food chain, and second only to squirrels in intelligence. And while we rank low in likability by other species, we do rate higher than ticks.] As it steadily asserts control over Lenka’s will, Lenka finds herself unable--and to her own horror, sometimes unwilling--to control her transformations and the phoenix’s subsequent fiery rampages. Realising she is a threat to everyone around her, Lenka hitches a ride with two merchants to the kingdom’s grand halls of learning in the hopes that the wizards there will be able to rein in the phoenix’s madness. [If your conscience is bothering you because you're a threat to everyone around you, maybe you shouldn't be asking a couple merchants to take you on a long journey.]

But it isn’t that easy. A strange woman tails Lenka’s every step, intent on bringing Lenka to justice for the death and sorrow she has unwillingly sown. She, too, can transform into a bird of legend-- [Foghorn Leghorn--] and is backed by another purpose, one stronger than Lenka could ever imagine…

…For the only way to release this woman’s dearest friend from undeath is to destroy the phoenix--and Lenka along with it. [Undeath? Is she a zombie? Vampire? Does getting released from undeath make you dead or alive?] [How come this woman knows what killing the phoenix will do for her friend, but Lenka could never imagine it?]

At 92,000 words, EMBERS is a fantasy novel with traces of steampunk. I am a student at the National University of Singapore studying chemical engineering.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

It's amazing what a high percentage of characters in this book are able to transform into birds of legend.

Most of this is the situation. Woman with split personality struggling to keep her other self, who happens to be an enormous burning bird, from becoming dominant. I assume the plot is mainly the part with the other woman and the wizards, so if we could have more of that while condensing the setup, we'd have a better idea of what happens in the book.

Cartoon 622

Caption: John

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 756

Guess the Plot

A Vampire's Silent Genes

1. In the war between the werewolves and the vampires the vamps have one great advantage. With all that howling and jaw chomping the wolves can't sneak up on ANYBODY, while silently the Vampires slink through the darkness, their jeans-clad thighs making no whisk-whisk sound.

2. Sammy's mother was bitten by a vampire while pregnant with Sammy. At least, that's Sammy's excuse for not liking garlic, having fangs, and wanting to be a hemotologist.

3. A brilliant scientist fuses the DNA of two vampires and a jaguar with a human embryo, creating the world's first human with vampire genes and spots. But the creature longs to be a normal human, so he looks into stem cell research for the answer.

4. Tom Fraser has problems. He's unpopular at high school, his parents have split up, he can't talk and he's a vampire. As Twilight mania sweeps his school, Tom hatches a plan to turn his vampirism into popularity. Tom works on his dark moody look and buffs up a little, but when he tells everyone he's a vampire he's still unpopular.

5. Vlad the Ruthless has a secret. Though by night he terrorizes New York, by day he does genetic research at Sloan Kettering...and he just may have discovered a cure for cancer. But will vampire hunter/nurse Michelle stop him before he can make the discovery known?

6. 400 years of respectable human children--and then wham! vampire. Ella's dad blames her mom's questionable ancestry--but it takes two to make the recessive gene appear, which spells out a family feud for Ella. Now Papa's out for Great-great-great-grandpa's blood via stake--and vice versa via fangs.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Dr. Kyle Montach is cursed. Time is ticking and he’s fated to become what he fears the most, one of his kin, a vampire. [It sounds like you mean he's fated to become one of his relatives. It also sounds like you're saying he fears vampires, rather than becoming a vampire. The easiest fix is to dump the entire sentence and start the next sentence: Unless he can halt his . . . ] Unless he finds a cure to halt his vampire transformation, his soul, along with his humanity, will be lost forever. In this 120,500 word paranormal epic romance novel, A Vampire’s Silent Genes, [Now that you've gotten us interested in the plot, don't interrupt with the title, word count and genre; move those to the last paragraph. And get rid of "epic."] life for Kyle and his soul mate, Sarah Whitaker, revolves around stem cells; only the controversy doesn’t end there. [Dump the entire sentence. Sarah and stem cells can come in later.]

Unknown to humans, Kyle is a cybrid; a three dimensional being created to evolve over time. [Excellent. You have no idea how dull it is reading about two dimensional beings. They're such flat characters.] [Dump the entire sentence. Everyone is three-dimensional and evolves over time, and you work in your pet word "cybrid" in the next paragraph (put quotation marks around it there.)]

He’s a scientific anomaly; one damned by his mother, Margaret Montach. She’s a powerful vampire and brilliant scientist, who for centuries wanted to be a mother in the flesh, not just in blood. After thousands of attempts, she formulated a cybrid by taking a human embryo and fusing hers and her husband’s, Oswin, [husband Oswin's] vampire DNA, and for divinity purposes, the DNA of a jaguar. [You gotta have that jaguar DNA. It's the secret ingredient, the honey in the barbecue sauce.] [What does "for divinity purposes" mean? If it means what I think it does, how do I get some jaguar DNA?] Becoming obsessed with her maternal quest, she invoked a Mayan god of the Underworld to bless her creation. [You gotta have that invocation of a Mayan god of the Underworld's blessing. It's the vanilla in the tapioca pudding.] [By the way, the Mayan god of the Underworld was originally known as Ah Puch, but this led to some embarrassing typos, so he changed his name to Yum Cimil. Trivia you can use.] And the result was Kyle, the first ever [cross between a werejaguar and a] human born with vampire genes. [After mixing the DNA of the embryo's mother and father with her own DNA and Oswin's DNA and a jaguar's DNA, Marge is lucky Kyle wasn't the creature from the black lagoon.] [I'm sure the jaguar and Ah Phuch . . . oops . . . work fine in the book, but in the query they sound wacko. Dump them.]

Fifty five years later, Kyle, not looking a day over thirty and grasping onto what little humanity he has left, leaves his vampire family compound in London and relocates to Florida. As an avid researcher, he believes that stem cells are the key to unlocking the mystery behind silencing his vampire genes. [We know what keys do; just say stem cells are the key to silencing his vampire genes.] In the midst of his personal discovery, Kyle meets widow and mother, Sarah, and undergoes insurmountable changes, unlike anything he ever expected. He learns about life, love and finds the strength to pursue a human life with Sarah, the woman of his dreams. [It doesn't sound like his changes were insurmountable. What did you mean by that?] [I think we've cut enough that you now have room to tell us a bit more about Sarah and what happens with the stem cells. Is that what caused his changes? It sounded like they were caused by meeting Sarah.]

This is my first novel. Although I’ve never been published, I’ve been in marketing and communications for the last 14 years, and most recently worked for a stem cell company. [If I paid you to get me some stem cells, would I be able to clone myself? I'm thinking I could have my clone do the blog while I lie on the couch watching TV.] Thank you in advance for your consideration.


Notes

Wouldn't a brilliant scientist need a scientific basis for trying jaguar DNA and a Mayan god's blessing in any formula? Does she just think, What the hell, I've tried everything else, might as well try invoking the blessing of a Mayan god and putting some jaguar DNA in this embryo I stole? It could work.

Invoking the blessing of a god sounds more like something you'd do for divinity purposes than using jaguar DNA, which sounds like it would screw up the experiment.

"Cybrid" makes me think there's something robotic about Kyle. Why is the word "hybrid" not applicable?

Cartoon 621

Caption: Stacy

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Query Revisions

Because many writers resend their queries, and because Evil Editor usually just posts the revisions in the comments without actually commenting on them, I've entered into an experimental partnership with Phoenix, whose new blog is devoted to queries on Wednesdays, and possibly sometimes on Mondays, and possibly other days if she can squeeze it in to her schedule.

Phoenix often comments on revised queries on this blog, sometimes rewriting them so brilliantly you'd think she knows more about the book than the author.

So if, after reading Evil Editor's comments and those of his minions, and then revising your query, you still don't feel confident it's fully risen from the ashes, you may send it to Phoenix's blog or send it here and I'll forward it. Evil Minions will no doubt want to visit Phoenix's blog to comment on the revised versions.