Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1476  (just below this post) would like feedback on the following revision:

Dear [agent], 

I am writing to seek representation of my novel SALTFIRE, a 90,000-word Fantasy novel, which follows the alternating perspectives of Isolde and her painfully naive and hot-headed younger sister Noa.  

Life is bleak in West Vestia. War is looming, a violent theocracy has taken over the country, and Isolde Kylman cannot pay her rent. 

After her older brother dies, a nineteen-year-old Isolde is left to raise her three younger siblings, Noa, Eli, and Lilah. Isolde’s first priority is to either find a way to pay the rent or escape before they are separated in state-run shelters. Isolde, who has already resorted to prostitution, attempts to make one last desperate deal with her most powerful client in order to secure their housing. But her plan goes awry when he takes offence [offense, if you're in the USA]  to her offer and his resulting rage leaves Isolde injured and on the brink of death. A seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, allows Isolde and her siblings to reach safety in his neighboring lands. 

Recovered from her injuries and suspicious of Cassian’s generosity, Isolde wants to continue their journey, fleeing over the mountains; but Noa, who's been taking sword fighting lessons with Cassian, wants to follow him into battle. She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, but not (to his annoyance) by Cassian--or any other man, for that matter.  

Isolde is not willing to leave her seventeen-year-old sister behind, especially after she learns of Cassian's plans when he comes of age and becomes King. Despite his moral opinion of the clergy and the Kylman’s family’s plight, Cassian intends to side with West Vestia in their war against the Southern nations in order to secure a lucrative trade deal for his kingdom and a piece of the disputed lands they’re fighting over. As Cassian’s birthday approaches and the war becomes more imminent, Isolde learns of a conspiracy to stop Cassian from joining the war. Unable to change her sister’s mind about leaving, Isolde must decide whether to get Eli and Lilah to safety, or to join the conspiracy [conspirators] and keep the war as far away from her sister [Noa] as possible.   

SALTFIRE  is the first entry in a planned duology, though it could function as a standalone work. It will appeal to fans of T. Kingfisher's "Nettle and Bone" and Hannah Whitten's "For the Wolf.” 

[bio] This is my first novel.  

I believe SALTFIRE would be an excellent addition to your list, as your [agent specific] indicates a preference for [agent specific]-- all of which my novel offers.  

 Thank you for your consideration.  

Best,

Notes

It's a big improvement. It's still longer than ideal. I think the threat that the kids will be separated (not to mention the war and and violent theocracy) is sufficient motive for the flight from West Vestia, so we don't need the prostitution/ enraged client in the query. Just say Isolde gets injured before they can cross the border. That, plus eliminating the red words would get it to the preferred length. (Not that anyone is likely to reject it solely for this reason.)

Does this world have magic or supernatural elements or fantastical creatures or whatever makes a fantasy a fantasy? If you changed the place names to countries in medieval Europe, would you call it a fantasy, or historical fiction? Just asking.