Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query was most recently seen here would like feedback on this, the final draft.

17-year-old Dulani just feels so honored being his town’s guardian. Really, it’s fun juggling a broken home, a part-time job, and hunting Masques, nasty soul-stealing wraiths only he can see. Luckily, he’s got a big-enough heart to suck it up and keep everybody as safe as possible. But after Masques abduct his friends to their seeming deaths, ending their threat becomes his top priority. [This suggests it wasn't already his top priority, and while the sarcasm in the first sentence implies he'd rather not have this responsibility, I have to think it gave him more satisfaction than his job or his unhappy home life, and was his top priority.]

 

His plan? Find their nest, attack it, enjoy one less problem in life. Ignore that he found jack on his last try. Things start off unexpectedly smooth [well] when he pulls off step one by following a Masque to its home realm. Except [But] he trips [falters?] on step two when he makes a startling discovery: his friends are still alive. [He can't attack the nest because his friends are alive? Are they in the nest?] They’re just trapped with countless people, used to weaken the cage around a god bent on conquering humanity. [I could conquer all of humanity...if I could just get out of this damn cage.] Saving them is a no-brainer to Dulani, but as Masques begin a manhunt for him, he soon realizes he’s in a trap. 

 

Turns out his soul, strong from him [his?] killing [of?] Masques since day one, is the last thing [all] the god needs to break free. It’s another “honor” he’ll pass up because he’d rather [Dulani just wants to] finish what he started, bring everyone home, and keep an apocalypse behind bars forever. But as the pressures of one final hunt close on him, Dulani will be forced to consider how many lives—and whose—he must lose [must be lost] for the greater good. 

MYHRUNA (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. Starring a Black protagonist, it features young heroes wrestling with grief, responsibility, and danger like [as] in LaDarrion Williams’s BLOOD AT THE ROOT, L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, and Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN. 

Notes

Mostly nitpicking, hope some of it is useful.