Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1458 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear [Full Name]

Sixteen-year-old Rhode pretends to be the moon princess to help her financially struggling Virginian town. She “sells” them [tourists] their fate by claiming to see it via the moon. However, dwindling tourist numbers mean measly tips instead of riches for Rhode. She’s unable to figure out her next scheme until an argument causes her tears to turn into marbles while on camera. 

After she uploads the video, her popularity skyrockets and she sees an opportunity to sell the marbles for a hefty sum. As more people flock to the town, so does trouble. Rhode’s publicity catches the attention of a rep [named Diane] from the Department of Magical Management named Diane. Now, Rhode is under investigation to determine if she’s actually magical or not.

She must convince Diane what she saw in the video is totally fake or else she’ll be brought into the capital for research, never to return home. All she has to do is hide her marbles from the public and, most importantly, not cry. But with so many people willing to pay for a chance to see her tears, it’s rather hard to say no to them when her town’s financial security is just around the corner. 

BEFORE THE MOON CALLS is an 80000-word young adult contemporary fantasy novel. It combines the magical background setting of The Charmed List by Julie Abe and the lively prose of Spell Bound by F.T. Lukens. [bio here]

Notes

This is better. I'm less concerned with the query than the plot. Most towns would crack down on those who scam tourists, but in this town you're allowed to take tourists' money only if you prove you're a fraud?

There was a time when Penn & Teller would have been burned at the stake, but today, if they had to prove their magic was fake to escape being experimented on, they'd just show the authorities how it was done. How can Rhode prove her marbles aren't magical when they are?

It's hard to see how selling her marbles can ensure the town's financial security. Does the town collect a massive income tax from street venders? Does this town have enough hotels and restaurants to accommodate hordes of people flocking in to watch marbles appear from Rhode's eyes? There's a limited number of people who can get close to her face at one time, and she can't cry constantly. What if people come, but she doesn't have anything to cry about?

I'm sure these points are addressed in the book, but the agent may not be as trusting as I am.

Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query was most recently seen here would like feedback on this, the final draft.

17-year-old Dulani just feels so honored being his town’s guardian. Really, it’s fun juggling a broken home, a part-time job, and hunting Masques, nasty soul-stealing wraiths only he can see. Luckily, he’s got a big-enough heart to suck it up and keep everybody as safe as possible. But after Masques abduct his friends to their seeming deaths, ending their threat becomes his top priority. [This suggests it wasn't already his top priority, and while the sarcasm in the first sentence implies he'd rather not have this responsibility, I have to think it gave him more satisfaction than his job or his unhappy home life, and was his top priority.]

 

His plan? Find their nest, attack it, enjoy one less problem in life. Ignore that he found jack on his last try. Things start off unexpectedly smooth [well] when he pulls off step one by following a Masque to its home realm. Except [But] he trips [falters?] on step two when he makes a startling discovery: his friends are still alive. [He can't attack the nest because his friends are alive? Are they in the nest?] They’re just trapped with countless people, used to weaken the cage around a god bent on conquering humanity. [I could conquer all of humanity...if I could just get out of this damn cage.] Saving them is a no-brainer to Dulani, but as Masques begin a manhunt for him, he soon realizes he’s in a trap. 

 

Turns out his soul, strong from him [his?] killing [of?] Masques since day one, is the last thing [all] the god needs to break free. It’s another “honor” he’ll pass up because he’d rather [Dulani just wants to] finish what he started, bring everyone home, and keep an apocalypse behind bars forever. But as the pressures of one final hunt close on him, Dulani will be forced to consider how many lives—and whose—he must lose [must be lost] for the greater good. 

MYHRUNA (90,000 words) is a YA contemporary fantasy standalone with series potential. Starring a Black protagonist, it features young heroes wrestling with grief, responsibility, and danger like [as] in LaDarrion Williams’s BLOOD AT THE ROOT, L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, and Kamilah Cole’s SO LET THEM BURN. 

Notes

Mostly nitpicking, hope some of it is useful.