17-year-old Dulani is stuck in hell, and it’s his own fault. Desperate to escape a broken home, he flees into an alternate world that manifests humanity’s myths—from dazzling El Dorado to gorgeous Elysium. Greatness and power he’s coveted, now his to claim. But he overlooked that there's always a catch. Everything, mainly demons, wants him dead. He must now think as fast as he can run from death, alone—until he meets Milliana, a girl with a chip on her shoulder.
16-year-old Milliana’s brain is too big a target for the bullets flying around her neighborhood. It’s not the sort of excitement she craves, so she escapes into a realm only “Visitors” like her can enter. She finally feels safe—until her soul starts attracting hyper-persistent demons that want it. While hiding, she encounters a young man as dog-tired as she is. Dulani’s reticent, but a good listener and (almost) as smart. Since they can’t run or hide forever, she suggests a daring idea: use the enhanced abilities and mysterious powers that come with being Visitors and fight back.
They trap and kill a demon leader, whose death purifies some of the realm so it’s slightly less hostile. At last, a breakthrough. But the demons won’t rest until they have a Visitor soul so they can cross over to Earth and devour humanity. Dulani appreciates getting to control his fate for once, while Milliana relishes a challenge for her intellect. But as they learn more about the realm, and each other, fighting back could mean playing into the hands of gods more sinister than mere demons.
MEMORANDUM (90,000 words) is a YA fantasy standalone with series potential. It combines the otherworldly danger in L.L. McKinney’s Nightmare-Verse trilogy, the grief-processing in Jessica Kara’s DON’T ASK IF I’M OKAY, and the tense adventure of Marc J. Gregson's SKY'S END.
Like Dulani, I’m Black, and I channel my experiences with “othering” into his and the cast’s stories. As a Research Assistant with a MS in Engineering, I find new solutions to strange problems while shouldering a lot of responsibility—just like the heroes of this story.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Desperate to escape a broken home, 17-year-old Dulani enters an alternate world that manifests humanity’s myths—from dazzling El Dorado to gorgeous Elysium. Dulani appreciates controlling his fate for a change--but there's more to mythology than just beauty, love, and honor, as he discovers when he finds himself fleeing demons that want him dead.
The bullets flying around her neighborhood aren't the sort of excitement 16-year-old Milliana craves, so she escapes into a realm only “Visitors” like her can enter. Here, she finally feels safe—until her soul starts attracting hyper-persistent demons that need it in order to cross to Earth and devour humanity. While hiding from the demons, Melliana encounters a young man as dog-tired as she is: Dulani.
The two teens can’t run or hide forever, but they can use the enhanced abilities and mysterious powers that come with being Visitors to fight back. They trap and kill a demon leader, whose death slightly purifies the realm. At last, a hopeful breakthrough. But as they learn more about the realm, and each other, they realize fighting back could be playing into the hands of gods more sinister than mere demons.
If you want to focus more on the fight against treacherous powers, you could combine the first two paragraphs something like this:
Desperate to escape broken homes, 17-year-old Dulani and 16-year-old Milliana escape to an alternate world that manifests humanity’s myths—from dazzling El Dorado to gorgeous Elysium. But there's more to mythology than beauty, love, and honor, as the teens discover when they find themselves fleeing demons that need their souls in order to cross to Earth and devour humanity.
That gives you two paragraphs instead of one to talk about their plan and what's at stake.
1 comment:
Hey author, this is an improvement, but look at EE's versions for examples which reduce much of the repetition.
More focus on what makes this portal fantasy unique/different/ ***needing*** a portal should help with the normal knee-jerk reaction to "portal fantasy."
For more focus on the treacherous powers that be, I'd suggest including more information about them, their plans, and where they intersect with the MCs. e.g.:
We know there are demons who want to devour humanity (for some unknown reason). These two kids are a potential way to do so (because their souls are special? clarity would help) (also, makes me wonder why it hasn't happened before, but probably not room for that in the query).
We know there are sinister gods the MCs may be unintentionally aiding, but nothing about them or what they're trying to accomplish. Again, clarity would help.
Hope this helps,
Good luck.
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