Dear Evil Editor,
About a year ago you kindly lambasted a query letter for my YA historical mystery, A SERPENT IN THE GARDEN. The novel and the query have been extensively revised and retitled. New title is BURY THE DEAD: in celebration of the increased body count. I'm pretty happy with the revised query letter, but now I need a 250 word synopsis for a contest. 250 words is so, so tough. Here's what I've got. I look forward to your and your minions' constructive and hilarious criticism.
Sixteen-year-old EVA VON HIRSCHBURG fears she will live and die in her family’s forbidding castle, scorned ["Ostracized" would be a stronger word here.] for sins ["Atrocities" would be a stronger word here.] her parents committed. When a woman is killed at a nearby abbey, leaving behind a newborn baby, Eva is moved by similarities between the victim and her own dead mother. She vows to find the murderer herself and convinces the kind but reluctant BROTHER CLEMENT to help. [Not clear why Clement is in the query, as he's never mentioned again.]
Her investigation is complicated by the arrival of an unexpected suitor, the charismatic LORD FRIDERICH. Drawn to Friderich’s rebellious spirit and the chance to escape her oppressive family, Eva falls in love. [Someone once offered to help me out of a bad situation. I was grateful, but I didn't fall in love with him.]
When a potential witness is stabbed to death, Eva confronts her prime suspect, the cold and arrogant BROTHER KARL. He reveals that the first victim was his sister and she was having an affair with someone in Friderich’s household. [Does that strengthen or weaken Eva's belief that Karl's the killer?] [Is he her prime suspect because he's cold and arrogant, or is there actual evidence against him?]
When Eva approaches ["Confronts" would be a stronger word here.] Friderich, he begs her to relinquish her obsession with the murdered woman before she becomes another victim. [If you don't quit obsessing over that woman, you'll become my . . . er . . . the next victim.] Later, Eva prevents Friderich's friend, RAGENARD, [Anagram: Rodney Dangerfield.] from raping a serving girl. Convinced Ragenard is the murderer, Eva implores Friderich to bring him to trial. [I see she has a new prime suspect.]
When Ragenard is found dead, Eva realizes [that she must come up with yet another prime suspect.] Friderich was the woman’s lover. [Not clear what one has to do with the other. Were Friderich and Ragenard the only possibilities? Why was Ragenard a suspect? Ragenard is described merely as Friderich's friend, not as a member of his household. Is it known that the person having the affair is also involved in the murder?] Ragenard killed her under Friderich's orders [Should I care why Friderich wanted her killed?] [I have a lot of friends, but few who would commit murder, even if I ordered them to.] then attempted to blackmail him. [Surely anyone who's willing to commit murder for you would also give you whatever you want from him without your having to blackmail him.] [What does Friderich want from Ragenard?] Suspecting he intends to kill the baby, [If he wanted the baby dead, wouldn't he have had the mother killed before she gave birth? He had nine months to get rid of both of them at once.] she races to the abbey where Friderich ambushes her. Eva fights for her life. She is losing consciousness when Brother Karl enters. Friderich tries to throw Karl from a window. Eva saves Karl, but Friderich falls to his death.
Notes
What's so oppressive about Eva's family? Her mother's dead and no other family member is mentioned.
Also, it would be cool to live in a forbidding castle.
Let's clear up the Friderich-Ragenard relationship. If one of my friends ordered me to commit murder, he wouldn't be my friend much longer. Unless he was rich.
And if someone is required to take orders from me, I don't need to blackmail him. I'll just order him to give me his money and his nineteen-year-old daughter.
Dropping Clement would be a minor improvement. How about dropping Ragenard? He's taking up a lot of space, but if he's just acting under Fred's orders, leaving him out would let us focus the query on the main villain. And eliminate a few embarrassing questions. Plus, the fewer characters, the less boring. You don't want my mind wandering while I'm reading.
About a year ago you kindly lambasted a query letter for my YA historical mystery, A SERPENT IN THE GARDEN. The novel and the query have been extensively revised and retitled. New title is BURY THE DEAD: in celebration of the increased body count. I'm pretty happy with the revised query letter, but now I need a 250 word synopsis for a contest. 250 words is so, so tough. Here's what I've got. I look forward to your and your minions' constructive and hilarious criticism.
Sixteen-year-old EVA VON HIRSCHBURG fears she will live and die in her family’s forbidding castle, scorned ["Ostracized" would be a stronger word here.] for sins ["Atrocities" would be a stronger word here.] her parents committed. When a woman is killed at a nearby abbey, leaving behind a newborn baby, Eva is moved by similarities between the victim and her own dead mother. She vows to find the murderer herself and convinces the kind but reluctant BROTHER CLEMENT to help. [Not clear why Clement is in the query, as he's never mentioned again.]
Her investigation is complicated by the arrival of an unexpected suitor, the charismatic LORD FRIDERICH. Drawn to Friderich’s rebellious spirit and the chance to escape her oppressive family, Eva falls in love. [Someone once offered to help me out of a bad situation. I was grateful, but I didn't fall in love with him.]
When a potential witness is stabbed to death, Eva confronts her prime suspect, the cold and arrogant BROTHER KARL. He reveals that the first victim was his sister and she was having an affair with someone in Friderich’s household. [Does that strengthen or weaken Eva's belief that Karl's the killer?] [Is he her prime suspect because he's cold and arrogant, or is there actual evidence against him?]
When Eva approaches ["Confronts" would be a stronger word here.] Friderich, he begs her to relinquish her obsession with the murdered woman before she becomes another victim. [If you don't quit obsessing over that woman, you'll become my . . . er . . . the next victim.] Later, Eva prevents Friderich's friend, RAGENARD, [Anagram: Rodney Dangerfield.] from raping a serving girl. Convinced Ragenard is the murderer, Eva implores Friderich to bring him to trial. [I see she has a new prime suspect.]
When Ragenard is found dead, Eva realizes [that she must come up with yet another prime suspect.] Friderich was the woman’s lover. [Not clear what one has to do with the other. Were Friderich and Ragenard the only possibilities? Why was Ragenard a suspect? Ragenard is described merely as Friderich's friend, not as a member of his household. Is it known that the person having the affair is also involved in the murder?] Ragenard killed her under Friderich's orders [Should I care why Friderich wanted her killed?] [I have a lot of friends, but few who would commit murder, even if I ordered them to.] then attempted to blackmail him. [Surely anyone who's willing to commit murder for you would also give you whatever you want from him without your having to blackmail him.] [What does Friderich want from Ragenard?] Suspecting he intends to kill the baby, [If he wanted the baby dead, wouldn't he have had the mother killed before she gave birth? He had nine months to get rid of both of them at once.] she races to the abbey where Friderich ambushes her. Eva fights for her life. She is losing consciousness when Brother Karl enters. Friderich tries to throw Karl from a window. Eva saves Karl, but Friderich falls to his death.
Notes
What's so oppressive about Eva's family? Her mother's dead and no other family member is mentioned.
Also, it would be cool to live in a forbidding castle.
Let's clear up the Friderich-Ragenard relationship. If one of my friends ordered me to commit murder, he wouldn't be my friend much longer. Unless he was rich.
And if someone is required to take orders from me, I don't need to blackmail him. I'll just order him to give me his money and his nineteen-year-old daughter.
Dropping Clement would be a minor improvement. How about dropping Ragenard? He's taking up a lot of space, but if he's just acting under Fred's orders, leaving him out would let us focus the query on the main villain. And eliminate a few embarrassing questions. Plus, the fewer characters, the less boring. You don't want my mind wandering while I'm reading.
5 comments:
"When Ragenard is found dead, Eva realizes Friderich was the woman’s lover."
I was confused about "the woman", since the preceding paragraph was about the attempted rape of a serving girl. I assumed serving girl = the woman. It's actually kind of a problem for me throughout -- the dead woman is referred to as: the first victim, the murdered woman, the woman, and her. Can you give the her a name? Even if it is only something Eva uses?
250 words is tough, so you need to make sure every word is earning its keep. Anything that's not essential to telling the basics of the story. or punching up the excitement and interest level can go.
I'd try paring it down to the absolute basics. Eva is trying to solve the mystery of the murdered woman in the abbey. It means putting her dream of marrying her charismatic new suitor and exacting her family's forbidding castle, but she can't let the murder go unsolved because (x). Eva discovers (y) which points to Brother Karl as the killer. She then learns that Brother Karl was the dead woman's sister and (and other evidence that clears Brother Karl, as being related to someone is not exonerating evidence by himself.) Her interrogation of Brother Karl also reveals that the dead woman was having an affair with someone in Eva's suitor's household. Eva stops her suitor's friend from raping a serving girl. This and (other evidence) lead Eva to believe that he is the killer. The friend turns up dead and Eva realizes that her suitor is behind the murders because (z). Eva attempts to flee to the abbey for protection, is ambushed by her suitor, and rescued by former suspect Brother Karl.
Mom and Dad's undisclosed sins and Brother Clement can go. I'm wondering if you even need the baby in the short synopsis. Eva could just as easily be running to the abbey to tell the monks what she's found out or get out of the house before Friderich finds out what she knows. Right now, it's mostly just raising questions about why the baby is still alive.
I like the part about the forbidding castle and the atrocities of the parents. Overcoming the prejudice of the public regarding these two items should play into the query, indeed the plot, if you bring them up first.
Also, is there a lot of animosity between the forbidding castle inhabitants and those of the nearby abbey?
What I’m hinting at is I don’t see a lot of conflict in the query, thus little to overcome. Death and confusion certainly, but not conflict.
One useful editing pass to do would be to check the verbs you are using for your protagonist. Is she enough of an agent in her own story? I would reword where she is not. I'd also try to tie any apparently extraneous elements, such as the atrocious parents, to Eva's character arc so that is clear as well as the plot.
she acts:
vows
convinces
confronts
approaches (try: demands to know, questions)
prevents (try more specificity?)
implores (requests?)
suspecting
races
fights
saves
she is acted upon:
fears (try: is determined not to)
scorned
is moved by
drawn to
falls in love (try: initiates a love affair/starts sending him passionate letters)
realizes (well, perhaps that one is doubtful)
losing consciousness
Sixteen-year-old EVA VON HIRSCHBURG is determined to show she's not like her parents, who died committing atrocities at her family’s forbidding castle. When LADY AGATHE is killed at a nearby abbey, leaving behind a newborn baby, Eva vows to be a force for justice and find the murderer herself.
Eva's investigation is complicated by an unexpected suitor, the charismatic LORD FRIDERICH. Because marriage could be a way to escape her oppressive relatives, Eva flirts with the rebellious young lord at every opportunity, letting several chances to investigate slip by.
But when a potential witness to Agathe's murder is stabbed to death, Eva steps up and confronts her prime suspect, the cold and arrogant BROTHER KARL. She must revise her reconstruction of the crime, however, when Karl reveals that Agathe was his sister and she was having an affair with someone in Friderich’s household.
When Eva questions Friderich, he begs her to relinquish her obsession with Agathe before she becomes another victim. She won't. After Eva prevents Friderich's friend, RAGENARD, from raping a serving girl, she insists Friderich bring his friend to trial for the murder.
Then Ragenard is found dead. Realizing that Friderich was Agathe’s lover, Eva figures out that Ragenard killed Agathe under Friderich's orders, then attempted to blackmail him. Suspecting that Friderich intends to kill the baby, Eva races to the abbey where Friderich ambushes her. As they struggle, Brother Karl intervenes. As Friderich tries to throw Karl from a window, Eva saves the monk, but Friderich falls to his death.
Holy crap. Thank you for this. I've been wondering who she was. Never heard of three of them, but the Q&A section of one of them clearly gives it away. The wit is too familiar. It's like an impacted tooth has been pulled.
Fred
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