“Why do you look to the north?”
Esmerelda flinched at the voice from so close behind her. She would never get used to Henrick’s penchant for appearing and disappearing silently. Could not magicians use doors to enter and exit, like everybody else?
“These are my private chambers,” she said, turning to face him. “It would be polite to knock.”
His twisted smile told her, as if she did not already know, that politeness was not much of a concern for him.
“You have golden fields to the east, lush green hills to the south, and a verdant forest to the west,” he said, pointing to the high windows on each side of her top-of-tower room. “Why would you insist on looking in the one direction where the view is so spoiled?”
Esmerelda turned to the north-facing windows again. The ground, so very far down below in the valley at the base of the cliff on which her castle was perched, was withered and black. The trees were thick with gnarled branches outstretched like grasping claws, but no limb sported so much as a single leaf. Patches of limp dead grass floated like islands amid pools of oily mud. Even the northern air seemed still and gray, catching none of the breeze and very little of the sunlight that danced at the other points of the compass.
“You know why,” she mumbled.
“I’m sorry, Princess Esmerelda, I couldn’t quite hear that.”
“It’s just Esmerelda,” she snapped. “I am no one’s princess.”
His twisted smile told her, as if she did not already know, that politeness was not much of a concern for him.
"Sorry, sorry," he whimpered.
"Never mind. Now, tell me--when are they setting up the drilling rigs? I want to get the crude moving to China while OPEC's still imploding."
Opening: JRMosher.....Continuation: Khazar-khum
7 comments:
Unchosen continuation:
"Sure, sure, Esmi," Henrick snickered." Looking pensive, rejecting your royal upbringing - it's all your prerogative. But I say, your prince is dead, buried in the Fiery Forest, and short of magick, he is not coming back."
"Oh, he'll be coming back. He'll be coming 'round the mountain when he comes." Esmeralda's promise rang true. Henrick started to wonder if Esmi had stopped taking the medicine from the Weasly Witch.
--Anonymous
The ground, so very far down below in the valley at the base of the cliff on which her castle was perched, was withered and black. can be reduced in many ways, but I'd get rid of it entirely. It's mostly described again by: limp dead grass floated like islands amid pools of oily mud. (You can work in the cliff somewhere else.)
Finding someone looking north when you appear in her room doesn't necessarily mean she insists on looking north. Besides, based on your description of the view from all four directions, who wouldn't choose to look north? It sounds much more interesting. Not that I can't see this dialogue taking place if he's goading her, but maybe it would be better if you moved paragraph 6 to the top. Otherwise it feels like she's looking out the window again just so you can describe what's out there. She doesn't need to look out the window to answer his question. And I don't think she'd want to turn her back on him.
Aside from EE suggestions, it could do with some trimming.
For example: “Why do you look to the north?” could be “Why do you look north?” or “Why are you always looking north?”
Then P2 could simply start “Esmerelda flinched.”
More to the point, this seems like a dull beginning to a fantasy. You describe the grounds around a castle which the reader has no reason to care about. You do establish Henrick's special abilities, which has some value. You work the relationship between the two, but the reader has no reason to care yet. Maybe start with an action scene and come back to this later.
This may be more effective as a chapter opening. Or maybe it is.
Henrick doesn't sound like someone you'd want to turn your back on. He reminds me of Grima Wormtongue.
I was going to say that my only source of concern was this sentence: The ground, so very far down below in the valley at the base of the cliff on which her castle was perched, was withered and black.
That, isn't smooth language for a look from a high tower down to the land below. I think that it's too long to get to the description of the North Lands. However, I can't suggest alternatives without going to the next few hundred words.
Don't feel bad. I've rewritten the beginning of my current story four times so far.
The ground, so very far down below in the valley at the base of the cliff on which her castle was perched, was withered and black. The trees were thick with gnarled branches outstretched like grasping claws, but no limb sported so much as a single leaf.
In the valley, far below the cliff where her castle perched, convulsing trees' gnarled branches grasped for their missing leaves above the withered land destroyed by Evil Editor.
Or something not quite so melodramatic ^^;? Anyways, would suggest fixing the weak 'was' verbs to something more dynamic. Also, might be worth bringing up in this sentence what the cause of the wither and blackness is, if you can make it flow (can't really see a reason not to bring it up soon if it's what the book's about, more or less).
First off, sorry for not responding sooner to these great comments. Busy, busy, busy time of year.
Seems like everyone is in agreement about the too-long sentence looking down the cliff. I have to agree; I've written it a few times over and it always clunks. There are some good suggestions here about what to do with it, so thank you. Frankly, I didn't think it was ready to share, but the queue was empty, so I tossed it out there.
I can't really state the reason for the desolation to the north here, because of the way the book is laid out. Or maybe I can. Will have to think about it. The book is two stories in one, told from the perspective of two young women who are leading very, very different lives. The thing that happened to the north is what allows their stories to merge, so there's a bit of mystery at first about exactly what happened and what it means.
You're also correct in that Henrick is not the kind of person one would usually turn their back on, but she knows very well that he dares not harm her (or rather, he has already harmed her as much as he dares.) It's too much for the first 250 words, but I think it makes a good story.
All good comments, except the one about this being a dull opening. I'll have to chew on that one for a while, and think about opening somewhere else.
Thank you all for your comments, and have a happy and safe holiday season!
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