Random Thoughts of a Teenage Axe Murderer
1. Should I chop up my boyfriend and eat his body parts? I hate writing my thoughts in this crappy journal. If I kill all my co-workers, maybe I'll get promoted out of my lousy entry-level job. I'm in love with my shrink; maybe I'll kill him with an axe. Or maybe I should have him over for dinner . . . as the main course!
2. She's cute. Math homework is so unfair. Got to beat my GTA3 high score. Wonder if the new Blindside album is out? Look at the boombah's on her. Die, Die, Die, you scum-sucking parasite. I hate mayonnaise.
3. Mmm, cookies. I wonder if I should ask Tina to the Winter Formal. Double-bladed looks cool, but a hachet is a lot more practical. Are there walnuts in these? If there are walnuts in these, someone is going to have to die. Would it look suspicious if I rented a woodchipper?
4. Will this fake I.D. work to get some beer? Can I get that cute girl in History to notice me? Will my skin clear up in time for the dance? Will my Dad loan me the car and an axe Friday night? Who you lookin' at?
5. I wonder if I was on the verge of getting my license before I chopped the driving instructor into tiny pieces. How do so many kids buy this Red Riding Hood story? I mean, if you can't tell your grandmother from a wolf, you need your eyes examined. Think I'll go hang out at the mall. Better bring my axe in case some cop gives me trouble.
6. So I hacked up a few people. Was that any reason to put me in here with all these crazies? Look at that guy, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. Where's an axe when I need one? Doesn't that TV get anything but Brady Bunch reruns? Wait a minute, is that an axe behind the glass in the fire extinguisher cabinet?
Original Version
All Mighty Evil One,
Therese Randle just turned nineteen and she thinks she's falling in love. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but Therese has a small tendency to kill and eat her boyfriends. Well, she eats part of them; other parts give her indigestion. [The liver is good with Chianti and fava beans, but she stays away from the brains, possibly because her nickname for him was "shit for brains."]
Therese's problem is that her brain is incapable of remembering happy thoughts. [It's a psychosis known as elationesia.] So when something pleasant happens, she reacts to that foreign emotion by removing the cause of it. [For instance, if her boss praises her, she responds with an axe blade to the forehead. If a waitress gives her exceptional service, she responds with an axe blade to the forehead . . .] She sees nothing wrong with this less than accepted form of emotion management and is able to look at the death she causes in a matter of fact way. [The difference between Therese and normal people is that when normal people dole out an axe blade to the forehead, it's to someone who gave them unpleasant feelings.] This allows her to calculate her moves before she makes them in order to escape blame. [In other words, premeditated murder is the best kind because there's no blame involved?]
When she kills her boyfriend, Bucky, in the middle of sex in the middle of a forest,
[Bucky: Not to ruin the mood, but out of curiosity, why do you have an axe?
Therese: If a tree falls on us and pins us while we're making love--
Bucky: Ah. Say no more.]
[If a tree falls in the woods, and the only people there to hear it are moaning and screaming, "Yes, oh yes, harder, baby," could you even hear it if the tree made a sound?] Therese claims to have witnessed the whole thing as a victim. ["Hey, I'm the victim here. I actually had to watch as Bucky was chopped up with an axe."] With a rash of [axe] killings sweeping through the area, everyone is more than willing to believe her. Months later, when she uses unnecessary violence against a cop who pulls her over for speeding, [She hacks him up with an axe.] [I thought it was only pleasant feelings that made her respond with violence.] Therese is sent to a psychiatric ward claiming emotional trauma from witnessing her boyfriend's death. Her shrink, Dr. Brian (a cute novice straight out of college) takes her on as his pet project and a year after her arrival gets her out of the ward and into a halfway house for nut jobs [Is that the pc term they're using these days?] with no knowledge of what's really wrong with her. With her new "apartment" and the low entry job she must take as part of her reintroduction into society, Therese makes friends that she must desperately try not to kill. [For if she kills her co-workers, she'll surely get the axe.]
Dr. Brian encourages Therese to write her daily events in a journal- a boring tedious task to her that inevitably becomes an eye opener. As she writes and rereads her entries, she realizes that good things do happen and she really wants to understand why she doesn't remember them and to try and overcome her violent urges. When Dr. Brian falls for Therese, and Therese for him, she knows exactly what kind of danger he's in even if he doesn't. So the question is, does she tell him the truth, or invite him over for dinner?
Random Thoughts of a Teenage Axe Murderer is my first novel. [Good, I was worried it was your autobiography.] [Any editor who thinks Therese might be based on you will reject this rather than give you a pleasant request for pages.] The complete, 88000 word manuscript is ready at your request. Thank you for your valuable time.
Regards,
Notes
"Random thoughts" doesn't give the impression we're dealing with a cohesive novel. Maybe "Confessions" would be better.
You make it sound like killing is a regular occurrence with Therese. Is she that good at getting away with murder?
It seems like if you're planning in advance to kill people, you'd settle on a less-conspicuous weapon than an axe. Plus, even if the person isn't alarmed by the fact that you happen to have an axe, and there's been a rash of axe murders in the area lately, anyone with good reflexes could duck or run in less time than it takes to swing an axe. Of course, you don't actually mention an axe anywhere except the title, so perhaps she doesn't always use an axe.
What you really need if you're trying to sell a book about a killer is a weapon that hasn't been done to death in the movies. Thus I'm providing a list of weapons you might use to fill in the blank in your title, Confessions of a Teenage ______ Murderer.
1. Hoe
2. Tuning Fork
3. Dipstick
4. Baton
5. Turkey Baster
6. Corkscrew
7. Corn Holder
8. Waffle Iron
9. Clarinet
10. Pie
Selected Comments
acd said...I haven't even read the query yet. I just want to say these are the six best guess-the-plots in history.
writtenwyrdd said..."The Waffle Iron Murders" is a good title for a comedy mystery. Now, how to kill off people in a variety of amusingly original ways...
1. the obvious: Waffle ironed to death. Griddle marks everywhere.
2. Clouted over head with blunt object (waffle iron).
3. Drowned in butter and syrup with a waffle chaser stuffed down the throat.
4. Strangled by the electric cord.
Well, it's a limited repertoire but amusing.
Inkmandoo said...I smell a contest.
Pooper scooper
Thigh Master
Golf umbrella
Hoover
Ice cream scoop
dowsing rod
curtain rod
electric wok
acd said...Back! And...that was one of the funniest query critiques in history, too.
The central plot point sounds like hooey--so if it's not, author, you should include the clinical name of the condition, maybe a line or two about its history or discovery.
Kate Thornton said...Writtenwyrd! Waffle Ironed to Death - too funny!
The Waffle Iron Murders:
Chapter 1. My Griddle is Too Tight
Chapter 2. Do I Want to Brain Him? Or Don't I? Or Do I?
Chapter 3. It Looks Just Like Mickey!
Chapter 4. Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker Step In
Chapter 5. Pancake Make Up
Daisy said..."Confessions of a Teenage Hoe Murderer" sounds like it might be an entirely different kind of book.
Not bad, mind you, just different.
ello said...Perhaps I have a sick sense of humor, but I thought the premise of this book sounded fascinating and if I read it as a blurb (with the caveat that there would be no axes, but something more subtle and clever as the murder weapon) I would definitely be intrigue enough to pick it up and read it.
I don't really like the title and the axe is problematic, but otherwise, I think this is clever and interesting.
jfxock said...EE, did you forget wire whisk and eggbeater, or did I miss those novels? The eggbeater murders, right up there with the waffle iron murders. All part of a series called "The Kitchen Utensil Murders," or "Death At Williams-Sonoma."
My next novel is about what happens when someone develops a chemical they inject into the water supply of Atlanta that makes everyone deathly allergic to peanuts. Is it terrorists? Or is it an unknown investor who just bought up the majority of stock in the companies that manufacture and distribute Epi-pens?
As to the query... the title needs a change. I can't imagine myself EVER wanting to read a book with a title that contains both "random thoughts" and "teenage".
I suppose the plot seems maybe a little interesting, but the shrink falling for the 19-year-old nut job seems a bit cliched and predictable. I thought this was going the way of Girl, Interrupted, and I thought the aspect of self-discovery through journaling had potential, but the cheap romance sort of ruins it for me.
whitemouse said...Um...why would I want to read about this woman? Why would I want to spend any time at all inside her head?
Does she have any redeeming qualities?
If so, you need to put them front and centre, because there's nothing in the query letter to make me want to pick up this book.
I can't sympathise with Therese based on what I've read here. I'm too stunned by the horror of what she does to care if there's any humour or entertainment to be had from this book.
The timing of this is interesting, however. I just got done reading Miss Snark's blog, where she has some flap copy listed for Darkly Dreaming Dexter, which is about a likeable serial killer. The thing to sympathise with in Dexter's case is that he only kills "bad" people. The urge to punish "bad" people has just enough resonance with me that I'm interested in seeing what goes on in Dexter's head, even though he's a murderer.
I'd suggest you think carefully about what sort of things could make the reader like Therese. What does she struggle with that is a universal-enough issue that we can emphathise with her? Try to weave those elements into your query, because your book is stillborn if the agent/editor thinks readers will never be able to relate to the main character.
Also, having Therese kill and eat her boyfriends does sound like a rip-off of Silence of the Lambs. You might want to leave that out of the query letter.
December Quinn said...If she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions, A)she's a sociopath, and Dr. Brian must be spectacularly bad at his job, and B) why wouldn't she confess to them? "Yeah, I chopped him up, so what? Is that a crime or something?"
kis said...Melon baller?
Cookie cutter?
Ice cube tray?
Crevice tool for my Hoover?
CD rack?
The average home abounds with murderous possibilities.
judy said...This is the funniest thing I've read all week. I'd read this book because I love the absurd and this definitely falls into that category. And macabre humor is just fine with me, too.
Daisy said...Glue Stick?
Eyelash Curler?
Slipcover?
Air Freshener?
writtenwyrdd said...The Kleenex Killer?
The Toilet Tissue Torturer?
Talia, Centre for Emotional Well-Being said...That has to be the best critique and 6 potential plot lines I've read. EE you really outdid yourself. And the comments are a scream too - especially Kate's chapter analysis.
Yep the turkey baster got me.
As to the query itself, I would read it, on the proviso it wasn't a teenager and that she used something other than an axe. I mean c'mon she'd have to be an amazon to kill people with an axe. Have you ever tried chopping wood? It's darn hard work, and an amazonian teenager would stick out.
Having said that I like the premise. It sounds like a fun tongue in cheek idea. Echoing the comments on Darkly Dreaming Dexter the plot doesn't give you any reason to like the teenage killer so that needs to be resolved.
The rest is fine. If you're talking about people not remembering happy times - quite simply that's just extreme depression. It distorts your cognitions and skews your memory so you only focus on the negative etc etc. That aspect is believable but I would expect violence to be a result of a situation that is stressful, and stress would be when someone makes demands on you or annoys you. Happiness leading to killing isn't a consistent characterisation as you've explained it, but it could be if you said that the emotion is so foreign that the killer doesn't know how to react, etc etc.
Overall I thought it was a well written query, altho EE's comments were even better. This should go in EE's hall of fame. It's the best critique and plot lines yet!!!
pacatrue said...I bet if done well there are a bunch of people who would like this book, even though it's not my thing. The main thing to concentrate on is whether or not the query truly captures the tone of the book. I'm guessing the book has a serious sense of humor about it, as well as a fondness for the absurd and macabre. But I'm not quite getting that yet from the query. Yes, the whole plot is absurd, but that's in content right now, not quite in tone. Perhaps there is a way to inject a little more of the spirit of the book into it. Then, as they say, query widely.
"What did you say? Oh no, you did not. Don't make me get out my turkey baster."
Writerious said...Wait, wait... wait. This starts out as a promising horror plot about a teenage psychopath, then turns into -- what? First a turn into an introspective literary bit, and then -- a romance??? Wait... WHO is the psychopath here? The teenager or her terminally naive psychoanalyst?
While the story got off to a bang, it flounders where it turns completely unrealistic. If she's really an axe murderer (supposing that 1. she's able to tote a very sharp axe everywhere and no one notices and 2. has the upper body strength to wield it with deadly force, and we're already down two strikes with those two assumptions), the crime scenes should be so bloody awful messy that the foresic lab shouldn't have any problem figuring out who did it.
An axe murderer, even if legally "insane" (that being a legal term, not a diagnosis), would not be allowed into a halfway house. She'd be locked up for life.
As for alternative murder weapons, there are a few items that are so frequently misused that I've sometimes been tempted to bludgeon, strangle, or choke people with them, including:
1. cell phones of all kinds;
2. portable music devices with earphones turned up so loud that everyone around can hear them clearly;
3. bottles of perfume that some women drench themselves in until the air around them tastes bitter;
4. wads of gum that people pop and crack with their mouths flapping open, like a herd of lobotomized cows;
5. cars that go BOOM THUMPF THUMPF BOOM!
6. lit cigarette butts tossed out a car window or on the ground -- like they just vanish or something?
aardvark.novelista@gmail.com said...DAMN YOU, E.E! BEVERAGE WARNINGS!
You owe me a new keyboard. :-P
Anonymous said...
Neat query though it felt a little long, but I'm not convinced enough by the events in it to suspend my disbelief. But I love this line: "So the question is, does she tell him the truth, or invite him over for dinner?" and I think the fact that the axe murderer is a female is a great twist. But another thing I wondered was, why does she eat them? To dispose of the evidence? That'd be an awful lot of evidence to dispose of.
writtenwyrdd said...That'd be an awful lot of evidence to dispose of.
Okay, I'll be the one to say it: Axe-wielding, psycho-killer, bulemic cannibalistic teenaged girl
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