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Guess the Plot

Where the Lines Begin

1. They call him the man in black, but Johnny knows all he has to do is sing the blues. Now he has fame, and cash, but a vindictive cop named Sue has it in for John. After a few too many beers, Folsom prison is calling his name. All he has to do is walk the line, if only he could find...

2. Photographic guide to the world's Apple stores. Also available as an app and an Instagram gal-- just a second, I have to take this... Hello?
 
3. The bank. The grocery. The ladies' room. This non-fiction treatise examines the origin of queuing and how it saved Damascus in 1654.

4. A hot day, three surly kids, no beer, $100 on refreshments down the tubes, and Mark still has no idea where the line for the 'Monsters Inc' ride begins.

5. Jeremiah Owens discovers that all of the lines mankind relies on for food and transportation originate beneath the ancient city of Thule. He is convinced that if he goes there and commits suicide, he'll save the world. Whether he's right or wrong, it looks like there won't be a sequel.

6. Jenny Aberdeen wants to break out of her life as a reporter for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. She pitches a show to Discovery Channel about the very first lane markers in the US. If she plays her cards right, she'll get a TV gig and a book deal and someone else will pay for her 'workation'. Best seller list, here she comes!



Original Version

Dear most Evil Editor, 

The world burned, the mages died, and Jeremiah Owens survived by making a deal with Fate. He got endless chances to save the world and immortality. She got his soul.

Ever since Jeremiah Owens made that thrice-cursed deal he’s been running. Running in an endless loop in time trying to save the world. Running out of hope.

A lifetime ago, and a week from now, a necromancer absorbed [/will absorb] the ley lines mankind has come to rely on for food and transportation. With their power he will unleash a horde of the undead, and they’ll pour across the earth. 

After dying more times than [an immortal guy should have to, or than] he cares to remember, Jeremiah has discovered the ancient city of Thule holds the key to saving the world. [Keys are always in the last place you look.] [If you want to cut 20,000 words, have Jeremiah check out Thule before he tries Cimmeria and Aquilonia and Stygia.] [Does he discover Thule is the key in an ancient book, or is it basically process of elimination: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, even if it's Thule, must be the key."--Sherlock Holmes]

Jeremiah must reach Thule before the necromancer breaches the wards protecting it, and brave the horrors that were left behind when the city was abandoned. The ley lines start deep beneath the ancient city. A life freely given there will ensure the lines are protected, but the sacrifice’s soul will be destroyed. [How is this known?]

Only, his soul belongs to Fate, and no one gets out of a deal with her. She moves to collect, [Collect his soul? I thought she already got his soul. (See the last sentence of paragraph 1.)] [If she doesn't get his soul till he dies permanently, why would she give him immortality?] stripping him of the immortality he has damned himself for, and sends her soldiers to hound him on his trek to Thule. [No one gets out of a deal with Fate, but Fate can just renege on her part of the deal? In my opinion if she strips him of his immortality she doesn't get his soul. A deal's a deal.]

The question is, can he kill himself before Fate, or Thule does it for him? [So the readers are supposed to root for the main character to kill himself?] [Wouldn't it be easier to kill the necromancer than to fight (and dig) his way deep beneath Thule to kill himself?]

Where the Lines Begin is a complete 100,000-word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely.


Notes

If Fate were the one who was threatening to unleash zombies, or if the necromancer were the one who granted Jerry immortality, we could focus on one villain. Are Fate and the necromancer in cahoots? Normally I would expect Fate to have a broader agenda than a necromancer, yet here the necromancer wants to pour zombies across the earth, while Fate wants to hang onto one soul. Fate is above this fray. She should cause the necromancer to get run over by a bus. Didn't she get enough souls when the world burned?

Is Jeremiah a mage or just some guy?

When the world burned/will burn, did/will everyone except Jeremiah die? Or did/will just the mages die? What's the difference between a necromancer and a mage?

According to Wikipedia, the term "ley lines" was coined in 1921. Is the term used in the book? When is the book set? Ley lines don't strike me as things that can be absorbed. Is it their mystical energy the necromancer absorbs?

I think if you could get this sentence: A lifetime ago, and a week from now, a necromancer absorbed the ley lines mankind has come to rely on for food and transportation. out of the query you'd be better off. Maybe in the query you can refer to some kind of power source rather than the beginning point of the ley lines, especially as you describe the lines' food and transportation aspect rather than their supposed mystical qualities.