tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post845668718085912915..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1154Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24672049743481547312013-09-20T02:33:19.673-04:002013-09-20T02:33:19.673-04:00Here's where I'm seeing the fragment probl...Here's where I'm seeing the fragment problem:<br /><br />"Ever since Jeremiah Owens made that thrice-cursed deal he’s been running. Running in an endless loop in time trying to save the world. Running out of hope."<br /><br />Could be better phrased as:<br /><br />Ever since Jeremiah made that deal he's been running out of hope trying to save the world.<br /><br />(Although I adore the word thrice I agree with EE about leaving thrice-cursed out).)<br /><br />"She got his soul" is a sentence. "Running out of hope" is not.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6842018134940262622013-09-19T12:36:37.302-04:002013-09-19T12:36:37.302-04:00Ummm..."she got his soul" is not a fragm...Ummm..."she got his soul" is not a fragment. It's not exactly fine prose, but it's not a fragment.<br /><br />enya.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66823687204945730042013-09-19T03:16:45.411-04:002013-09-19T03:16:45.411-04:00A lifetime ago, and a week from now...
(Jeremiah ...A lifetime ago, and a week from now...<br /><br />(Jeremiah was a bullfrog)<br /><br />This sentence was too confusing for me. I agree with EE about leaving it out.<br /><br />Ley lines, necromancers (better than mages), Fate, an immortal protag, hordes of undead, and Thule all make me want to read this. Please polish.<br /><br />I am not a fan of fragments. Writers can get the same sense of urgency across with short sentences.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36709551258754173392013-09-17T22:56:25.844-04:002013-09-17T22:56:25.844-04:00Author,
You could trim a few words to allow for m...Author,<br /><br />You could trim a few words to allow for more explanation. For example, you don’t need Jeremiah’s last name and “has come to rely on” could be “relies on”. Then consider three things: <br /><br />It’s okay of Jeremiah dies in the novel but it seems like a bad idea to put it in the query.<br /><br />A few more words about ley lines would help.<br /><br />Give us some weakness Jeremiah has. For example, is he a klutz with magic? Is he absent minded? Does Fate hate him because he sings off key? <br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59349714782356789422013-09-17T16:02:29.696-04:002013-09-17T16:02:29.696-04:00A lifetime ago and a week from now....
Love it!
IM...A lifetime ago and a week from now....<br />Love it!<br />IMHO, you should start here. <br />Then explain who Jerry is and why I should care. <br />The bit about sacrificing himself to save the world needs to be clearer, and it also need to be clear if Jerry cares whether or not he lives or dies. <br />PLaFnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76579053418982422182013-09-17T13:48:23.996-04:002013-09-17T13:48:23.996-04:00I think this time is different because Fate has st...I think this time is different because Fate has stripped him of his immortality.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43914878289168642212013-09-17T13:37:04.875-04:002013-09-17T13:37:04.875-04:00The problem I'm having with this is it sounds ...The problem I'm having with this is it sounds like the MC has failed to save the world multiple times in the past and so history repeats. This removes any threat for me since if he fails this time it sounds like he'll just have to try again. If this isn't the case make it clearer, if it is the case mention why this time is different or why there's a real threat. (Too much dying in my video games lately: load game, try again, no big deal)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59706569780217314582013-09-17T12:16:22.447-04:002013-09-17T12:16:22.447-04:00Yes, I too was thrown by ley lines (which I guesse...Yes, I too was thrown by ley lines (which I guessed had something to do with 'energy' points etc) and then the notion that food and transport come from them? Huh? <br /><br />You also end the first two sentences with fragments 'She got his soul' - while the first sounded dramatic as a result, the second 'Running out of hope', loses the impact and comes off corny, IMO.<br /><br />And agreed, Fate and his immortality etc isn't clear. He can only be immortal for a certain time/until Fate collects his soul? In that case, he's not immortal, he's indestructible in a physical sense. <br /><br />Also, there's no empathy generated for a 'noble sacrificial' character. I don't even know any of Jeremiah's qualities, I don't get a sense of him that endears him to me. Is that the point? <br /><br />Finally, is this 'beat the necromancer' to Thules a repeated event? It's implied in the 'running in an endless loop in time' - that he's been trying to protect the lines several times? If so, wouldn't that just be fated over and over again? <br /><br />Hmmm...*head-scratching*<br />KJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01660362587750281673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23232828563538119582013-09-17T11:47:58.812-04:002013-09-17T11:47:58.812-04:00Well, writer, you have a good sense of the languag...Well, writer, you have a good sense of the language, which is nice to see. And I have a feeling that you also have a good sense of story, but it's not showing itself yet in this query letter.<br /><br />I had the same problem as EE re ley lines. Most fantasy readers will know what ley lines are, and they may have strong opinions on the subject. So that's a problem there. Call them something else. Diana Wynne Jones called them Greenways.<br /><br />The problem with the query as it stands is that it raises questions it doesn't answer. (Not a good thing.) It's confusing. You've done some lovely things with language, but you only get points for that if it's quite clear what your story's about.<br /><br />I'd advise rewriting this as if we were idiots. Make everything crystal clear, and put it in chronological order. Then, after that, add some flourishes.<br /><br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67449727108575936032013-09-17T11:45:27.724-04:002013-09-17T11:45:27.724-04:00It seems like there are a lot of stories with the ...It seems like there are a lot of stories with the hero(ine) trying to save the world--by killing him/herself up for query lately.. Why is this an appealing concept? Is it a Christ-complex?<br /><br />I'm confused by Fate's role. Did the world go back to normal after the soul bargain, or is this some groundhog-end-of-days vicious cycle? Like, the world's burned for the past 666 weeks in a row, but this time the necromancer got the down low and sets the zombies free...this isn't clear to me.<br /><br />So, author, it's clear to me that you can write. Unfortunately, I'm stymied by too many plot currents. Too much purple prose. <br /><br />Try paring this down to the bones of the plot and then put a bit of the meat back, avoiding all the clauses. <br /><br />Is this a multi-viewpoint story? Seems that way. <br /><br />Focus on how Jeremiah, a soulless immortal, can sacrifice a soul he does not possess in order to save a destroyed world...and you'll start understanding how this all went astray for me.<br /><br />Best of luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18815079942601107422013-09-17T11:31:17.748-04:002013-09-17T11:31:17.748-04:00Author,
If you can answer EE's questions and ...Author,<br /><br />If you can answer EE's questions and rework I think you will improve the query.<br /><br />Good luck, loved EE's sentence. Man, he just won't mind meld with me even though I am convinced I've got Vulcan blood. Darn.<br /><br />Nice try, just play with it more. Not there yet but you can do it.<br /><br />Wilkins MacQueenAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com