Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Guess the Plot
The Khan's Daughter
1. Feiyan is the main attraction in the city brothel, and she's loved by all the royal guards . . . literally. The buff guard in a leather mask is a prince in disguise, and he's ready to tame her.
2. Teen romance goes bad when Clarity learns she's expecting. Chaka goes ballistic, but helps her daughter make the tough decision. All seems to get better until SNL parodies Chaka's PSA for Plan B.
3. The khan's daughter discovers the king has been sacrificing children in order to protect against sorcerers. The only way to stop him is with a magic relic, But if she resorts to that, is she really any better than the sorcerers?
4. Princess Jamilah wants more from life than sitting around some seraglio, so she disguises herself as a boy and joins the army. Raez wants more from life than the army, so he disguises himself as a maid to get inside the palace. Since they apparently never meet up or even know about each other, this whole thing is a pointless waste of time.
5. On the drug-riddled streets of Atlanta, Genghis "Khan" Short is a one-man DEA, judge and executioner. The Korean mob is after him, but Genghis refuses to back down. That is, until they take his daughter.
6. Left on a deserted planet to die, Khan escapes to wreak havoc on the man who abandoned him. After reducing his archnemesis to a pool of blubbering angst, destroying the man's ship and killing his son, Khan settles down and gets married. Now, Captain Kirk's back and he will not be sated until he does . . . the Khan's daughter.
Sangar, the daughter of the khan, discovers a mass grave in the shadow of the king’s prison. [There's a king and a khan?] [Idea for a movie: a giant ape named King Khan climbs the Empire State Building.] She confronts her uncle, the king, and his chilling response stuns her – it takes sacrifice to protect against the sorcerers. [I'd put that in quotation marks so it's obvious it's his chilling response.]
She gets [understands] sacrifice. For a century, her family has provided a guard against those who wield magic, every minute of every day. [No need to specify that it's every minute of every day. We infer it's not just a couple days a month.] They protect a relic that any sorcerer would kill to find, their sacred duty – preventing its use. [You don't need anything after "find." Except perhaps what the sorcerer would do with the relic.] For the king, sacrifice means stealing children from his enemy’s palace and discarding their bodies on a mound of bones. [If someone's been stealing children from your palace for a century, it's time to install a moat.] [Also, is it sacrifice if it's your enemy's children you're killing?
Shaman: If you want a bountiful harvest you must sacrifice your daughter to the volcano.
King: I got a better idea. We'll sacrifice your daughter to the volcano and get by on a mediocre harvest.]
Sangar tries to stop the murders, eventually turning to the powerful relic her family has sworn to protect. [No sorcerer has been able to get near it for a century, but this teenaged girl has easy access to it.] If she unleashes its magic, she could depose the king. Like the last sorcerer to wield it, she might pull down the very mountain peaks, [Very mountain peaks? Did you leave out a word?] but such betrayal would be against generations of her [very] family. [This makes it sound like pulling down the mountain peaks is a good thing. Get rid of the mountains. If she unleashes its magic she could depose the king . . . but not without betraying generations of her family.] And if she actually steals the khan’s relic, she’ll have to protect it from sorcerers who are hunting it. [So what? She'll be doing that anyway; it's her family's sacred duty.]
The KHAN’S DAUGHTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 50,000 words. I’m a member of SCBWI. I’ve enclosed the first ten pages per your agency’s website. Thank you for your consideration.
How can Sangar pull down the mountain peaks if a sorcerer already pulled them down? Are they back up?
Why don't they destroy the relic?
What can sorcerers do with the relic that they can't do without it? We need to know what will happen if a sorcerer gets it. Preferably something more horrible than mountain peaks temporarily dropping.
If the king believes sacrificing children protects against sorcerers, and he's sacrificing children, why does the relic need to be guarded from sorcerers?
If a sorcerer shows up to steal the relic and you're the family member guarding it, what do you do?
Does this relic have a name or does everyone just refer to it as the relic? I recommend calling it the Lug Wrench of Rohr.
When your enemy is having their children kidnapped, murdered and thrown on a pile of bones, you don't get to claim that you "get" sacrifice just because members of your family take turns guarding a relic.
Sangar sounds more like an evil sorcerer's name than the heroine's.