Monday, September 03, 2012

Guess the Title

Below are seven descriptions of books about parenting/ relationships, and other crap like that, taken from their write-ups at Barnes and Noble dot com. Your job is to guess which of the given titles is the book's actual title.

1. The author can spell, do math, and run faster than your kids—and he is here to show you just how inferior your kids are. Why reward weakness and mediocrity with gold stars? No child is safe from the scrutiny and critical gaze of the world’s foremost authority on children’s crappy artwork.

What’s wrong with American kids?
I Am Better Than Your Kids
Why Your Kids Suck: A Manifesto
My Kid’s Okay; Your Kid Sucks
Your Kid is Worse at Art than Jackson Pollack

2. What kind of mother feeds her kids dinosaur chicken nuggets . . . three times a week? What kind of mother lets hand washing slide after using the toilet, as long as it was just Number One?

Parenting: Filth, Fat and…Ah, Who Gives a Shit.
How to raise a CEO.
When Did I Get Like This?
Rules for Redneck Mothers
Screw It: They'll Probably Turn Out OK

3. A hilarious take on that age-old problem: getting the beloved child to go to sleep.

Go the F*#K to Sleep.
Go To Sleep Or Spongebob Dies
Chloroform: The New Wonder Drug
Improved Parenting through the Wonders of Sedatives
Why Don't They Make Flintstones Sleeping Pills?

4. This amusing shower or new baby gift celebrates the ups and downs of breastfeeding and gives the rapidly growing number of breastfeeding moms something they can really use-a good laugh!

Milk Duds
You’re not alone – breastfeeding Does Suck.
Got Breast Milk?
Your Rack: More than a Man Magnet
If These Boobs Could Talk

5. Once the zigzagging hormones and endless, bleary-eyed exhaustion of the first year have worn off, you're left with the startling realization that your tiny, immobile bundle has become a rampaging toddler, complete with his or her very own, very forceful personality.

What to Expect When Your Toddlers Take Over
Adoption Agencies: It's Never too Late
Naptime is the New Happy Hour
Yes! Someone Will Still Adopt Him!
Why Isn't Daycare 24-7?

6. The Guy's Survival Guide to Getting Engaged and Married

Writing the Ironclad Prenup
Life Sentence
Yes, Dear
Hey, Let's Elope!
How to Get a Free Maid and Save Money on Dating

7. For all those who make an annual ritual of avoiding spring cleaning, liberation is at hand! Instead of arranging the stuff in your house to improve your inner harmony, let everything go to hell-and learn how to feel good about it.

Feng Sh*t
Mrs. V's Handy Household Hints
The Lazy Woman’s Guide to Insurance and Arson
The Tao of Housework
When You're Dead, No One Cares Whether You Dusted

Answers Below

Fake titles were submitted by Mister Furkles, Khazar-khum, Evil Editor, Anonymous, and Rachel6.

The actual titles are:

I Am Better Than Your Kids
When Did I Get Like This?
Go the F*#K to Sleep.
If These Boobs Could Talk
Naptime is the New Happy Hour
Life Sentence
Feng Sh*t


T.K. Marnell said...

I remember seeing Go the Fuck to Sleep on was a children's picture book for adults, and it looked hilarious. It had those classic full-page illustrations of landscapes and cute animals and a sappy sing-song poem with verses like, "The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest, and the creatures who crawl, run, and creep. I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying. Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep." It's pretty much how I envision the internal monologue of my parents as they read me stories when I was small....

Jo Antareau said...


Kudos to all who contributed a title.

Go The F*ck to Sleep is a classic!

And I think Feng Sh*t aptly summarizes my approach to housework.

khazar-khum said...

I Am Better Than Your Kids has to be from Maddox, author of The Encyclopedia of Manliness.