Monday, September 17, 2012
Guess the Plot
1. The Hunger Games meets Steel Magnolias as one spunky girl gets stranded in post-apocalyptic Queens, New York with two dozen Guatemalan lesbians.
2. After years of abuse and humiliation, a mattress at a seedy motel tells its story in its own wo-- [Insert Another Quarter To Continue]
3. Spunk is the worst band in Liverpool. Maybe that's because they've got a musical imbalance: three drummer guys, one guitar chick, and that kilted bagpiper. Whatever. The 19th Battle of the Bands is still a good excuse to spend an intoxicated week in London.
4. New ]ork model Davendra Fetlock inherits her uncle Spud's Kentucky farm. Once a top Thoroughbred breeding facility, the farm now has only one stallion, swaybacked old Hunk o' Love. But Hunk harbors the rare Man-o-War gene, and Davendra seizes the chance to restore the farm to its former glory — by selling Spud's old stud Hunk's spunk.
5. A major furniture company, buys 5000 acres of Alleghany Valley’s cherry tree forest. They begin clear cutting. Spunk, a porcupine, organizes a resistance movement. They fail to stop the timbering but strike back at the retail outlets. After dark, Spunk’s porcupine patrols break into stores and chew up their finest furniture. It’s a prickly situation.
6. When class brain Maria got stuck with class clown Travarious for their Science Fair project, she knew it was going to be a long weekend. And when he came up with the idea of analyzing spermatozoa, she knew they were in for a rough go--until he demonstrated his technique. Now she can't wait for their presentation on Monday.
7. The knowledge that Todd thinks she's no good for him does nothing to dissuade Tiffany's pursuit of his love. She is a cute spunky witch and she loves a challenge. When all else fails, will she wear that magical miniskirt?
Dear Evil Editor:
If you're the sort of person your blog indicates that you are, then you are the perfect person to entrust with negotiating my six-figure publishing deals. [The sort of person I am will gladly see that you get published if you're willing to fork over six figures.] I know people; and I like you.
Me? That's easy.
I'm the sort of person who, after a career publishing educational books and rhyming poetry for children, would write a post-apocalyptic, dystopian fantasy and call it Spunk. (Yes. That kind of spunk.) [Yes, which kind of spunk?]
Sex, cannibalism, infanticide, and boozing it up are all comme il faut [Not everyone is up on their French, so you might want to go with de rigueur.] in the world in which our heroine, Senga, finds herself stranded, along with a troop of Girl Scouts, some lapsed Catholic peace demonstrators, and two dozen Guatemalan lesbians. [This list sounds comedic. Does it have to be in the same sentence as the one that describes a world where cannibalism and infanticide are acceptable?] Senga and the Abbess, her nemesis, engage readers in a classic confrontation between good and evil, [I'm guessing they engage each other in this confrontation, rather than readers.] [Although it might be cool to be confronted by some characters in a book you're reading, especially if you read erotic romance novels and not dystopian novels about marauding gangs of serial killers.] set among the survivors of a global cataclysm in one small pocket of Queens, New York in the 1970s and 80s. Black humor and brutal violence coexist in this story, along with explicit sex and a poetic narrative lyricism. [I predict bestseller. You've got the big three: brutal violence, explicit sex and poetic lyricism.] Think of it as The Hunger Games meets Steel Magnolias. [I have to confess I wouldn't mind seeing the women from Steel Magnolias participate in a death match. I see Daryl Hannah and Sally Field getting killed in the opening melee at the cornucopia. Olympia Dukakis would take out Dolly Parton with an ax to the head, but would then be bludgeoned to death by the Julia Roberts/Shirley MacLaine alliance. The winner would be Julia because she has the most spunk. Also because it's my blog so I get to choose.]
We need to know something about what happens in your book. We know Senga's situation: She's stranded in Queens with Girl Scouts and lesbians. Now we need to know her goal and what happens if she doesn't reach it and how she plans to defeat . . . The Abbess. Tell us the story.
Possibly you should call this alternate history if it's set in New York after a global cataclysm in the 1970s. Of course, I was a little out of it in the 70's, so maybe I missed the apocalypse.