Friday, July 08, 2011

New Beginning 867

Once upon a time bodies lay thick on the ground. Most were dead but there were a few who were soon to be made so. Postules filled with blood and pus, then burst. The mixture burned the skin of the living and dead alike.

I am Death. I have sinned. This is my confession.

"Death, you say?" I tugged on my collar and swallowed. "Well, let's see . . . This is most unusual, and I'm a bit new at this, but . . . you're going to need to say twelve million Hail Marys and thirty-five thousand Our Fathers. Yes, I think that should be about right.

Opening: D Jason Cooper.....Continuation: Eric

9 comments:

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

The second paragraph would make a great opening paragraph.

The first paragraph doesn't.

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:


Yes. I, Death—who once upon a time was a one-size-fits-all sort of being—confess: I’m an Anglophile. I wrote “pustules” as “postules” to convince you of my exceeding British-ness. Can’t stop. I try to, then words burst forth, spelled the faux British way or soon to be made so

--Dixon


Plus!

- Birth Certificate Revelation: Obama is from outer space!
- Prince William's Secret GaGa Love Tryst!
- Evil Editor's Cancun Vacation Voodoo Sex-Fest Revealed!

All in this week's National Enquirer!!

--anon.


* * *

"Well done Geraldine from Pawlawney, you got it right! Our final guest is indeed, The Grim Reaper, and that makes you this week's What's My Line champion! Well done, Ger-- Geraldine?"

* * *

Sorry. my bad.

--anon


Yes, really.

--anon.

Evil Editor said...

I expect Death to be less wordy:

Once bodies lay thick on the ground. Most were dead; the rest would soon be so.

I, too, would prefer the second paragraph as the first, especially if he's going to continue talking about the bodies.

Dave said...

I agree with EE.

I also think that the words "Once upon a time" are too light for a story about Death when you incarnate Death and make he/she/it a character. Death is always fearful, solemn or statesmanlike unless you're writing Hogfather by Prachett.

I've used Death in stories and no mater how cheery and fun you make him, or how romantic you make him, he still comes back when someone dies to judge and guide the person to one fate or the other. That always make s the character of Death a fearsome character.

150 said...

Most were dead but there were a few who were soon to be made so.

I think I could teach a forty-minute class on different ways to write this sentence. I'm lazy, though, so I'd just go with "Most were dead. The rest would be soon." Try out a few variations. Just don't leave it the way it is.

batgirl said...

I think I posted a comment, but I don't see it. Am I delusional? The word ver is batright, which I will take as a sign that I am in my right mind.

Evil Editor said...

I see no evidence in old mail.

Evil Editor said...

Unless you posted to the wrong post.

batgirl said...

Or blogspot may have eaten it. I hear that happens. I'm sure it was immensely witty and helpful, too.

Oh. Yeah. I thought the contents of the pustules probably didn't need to be specified as pus. I wondered about the mechanics of pustules filling with corrosive material - would pustules form when the material burnt the skin? or just erupt right away? And I wondered how pustules were forming when most of the prostrate people were dead already.

So, not witty or helpful, but possibly setting a record for repetition of the word pustules.