Guess the Plot
1. Poison fail. Spear fail. Horsemen fail. Prayer fail. Ship sink. Prince dead. Egon no go home. Find new life. Get laid. Be happy.
2. Didn't kiss his wife, didn't brush his teeth, didn't bring his briefcase . . . But those all pale next to blind Barney Briggs trying to fly a 737 while drunk.
3. When the hero dies in chapter 2, a bunch of secondary characters are stranded in an epic fantasy with no protagonist. Can they save their world by eating mystical banana nut muffins?
4. After the Iliad and the Odyssey, Homer's career seems to be taking off. But when his new poem gets panned by the critics, Homer embarks on a midlife crisis of, well, epic proportions.
5. Mary, June, and Amber do their very best to prepare for Mrs. Brown’s English test. They’re only halfway through Beowulf, with all of the Aurthurian legends to go, and it’s two in the morning. Will they resort to desperate measures???
6. Cavemen roast too many wildebeest and overheat the world, making arctic glaciers melt and cover the coastal plains etc., but they think it's just a local problem and go north looking for new girlfriends and cool caves.
Dear Evil Editor:
Redshirtism: some people are just doomed to die. [What is this, a dictionary? Get rid of that.]
Kelsey and Bobbin Baik, a pair of overtrained but woefully inexperienced town guardsmen, find themselves on a business trip to a remote valley of the Inaccessible Mountains. They think they’re going to have an easy mission: pick up a 15-year-old kid from Hero Training Camp so he can save their hometown from being destroyed by a kraken. Little do they know that their native guide, Tenzin, is supposed to get killed off. When Kelsey inadvertently saves his life, she sets off a chain of events that leads to banana nut muffins being infused with mystical powers and, ultimately, the Hero’s demise. In the second chapter. [I'd change that period after "demise" to an ellipsis.] What are a bunch of secondary characters to do when they’re left stranded in an epic fantasy with no protagonist?
Tenzin has become a walking accident magnet as the space-time continuum tries to put itself to rights by offing him. Helping Kelsey and Bobbin seems his best chance of surviving, besides, they’re utterly incompetent and somebody has to look after them. Their abortive efforts at hero-revivification only make matters worse. The trio gets kidnapped by a secret society that claims to hold a monopoly on the powers of the banana nut muffins. The two guards learn how to really use polearms, that mead is not beer, and that native guides are not as dumb as they’ve been brought up to believe. [Get rid of that sentence and the one before it, and start the one before those with "But." Also, semicolon after "surviving."] Is the only way to save their home to let Tenzin die? There might be another way, if the three of them take over the hero’s job. But none of them have been through Hero Training Camp…
Epic Fail is a parody containing a good deal of DnD jokes, [According to Wikipedia, that can stand for any of the following, and more:
- Drag and Drop, clicking on an object and dragging it to a different location
- Department of National Defense (Canada or Philippines)
- US District Court for the District of North Dakota
- Do Not Disturb
- Drunk and Disorderly
- Dundee Airport, IATA airport code
- Dunkin' Donuts
The plot sounds delightful. You had me--until you got me worried you'd written up one of the DnD adventures you played with your hilarious stoner buddies.
I feel certain it's no accident that you've given your mountain guide almost the same name as the most famous mountain guide ever, but unless this is a vital plot point, I'd find another name.
The title sounds weird. Why not Epic Failure?