Face-Lift #229, FireHouse
When right-wing petroleum tycoons from the Amazon threaten to incinerate all of New Jersey with their "Firehouse" bio weapon, only fashion designer Alara Bouzenbottom stands in their way.
Upstart fashion designer Alara Bouzenbottom's on fire--her line of edible prom dresses won first place in the Hackensack Mall "shoppers' choice" competition, and she just got a letter saying she may already be a winner. But her luck turns sour when she's mistaken for the Brazilian ambassador and is abducted by corporate terrorists from the Amazon. See a list of diplomats at the Consulate General of Brazil in New York. When an ill-timed hand gesture, a labradoodle with Lyme disease, and an albino midget with a speech impediment combine to cause an unfortunate misunderstanding, the terrorists come to believe that Alara is actually a molecular biologist, See the complete list of Ig Nobel Prize Winners and they insist she make them a new doomsday weapon. To save her own life, she must use all her culinary skills and fashion acumen to give them what they want. When she finds they mean to use the new weapon to incinerate her home town along with the rest of New Jersey, however, the choice she makes could change the face of the world. Get information on starting a new career with the California Culinary Academy. For ever.
I have published one short story in the literary journal "I Could Spit," and my poem "edible outerwear" won honorable mention in my high school's greeting card contest. I made and wore my own edible prom dress, and although I've never invented a doomsday weapon, my little brother knows how. I've given him your address.
Thank you for your time, and if you're interested, I'll send the full manuscript and tell my little brother to pick a different target.
--pjd
7 comments:
Well done, pjd, I was laughing from the gut on this one! Excellent url conversions (they sound enticing!)and I loved the personal info at the end!!
Meri
"Edible Prom Dresses" -- I hear the colors peach and magnolia cause cancer. And with that, I'll rein in my thoughts. A cross between haute cuisine and haute couture. Delightful.
This was wonderful and I love the inaptness of the links.
I laughed all the way through.
although I've never invented a doomsday weapon, my little brother knows how. I've given him your address. Now there's a way to gain acceptance of one's work!
Good stuff, Pete!
This was great! And I've always loved the Ig Nobels.
my poem "edible outerwear" won honorable mention in my high school's greeting card contest
I know what I'm going to be thinking about all day.
I love the "almost but not quite relevantness" of the links. Perfect.
Thanks, y'all. But I must give credit... EE provided the text for the links and in fact substituted the Ig Nobels link for what I'd put in that spot. I don't remember what it was, but it certainly was not nearly as clever or appropriate.
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