On that first day I woke up to arguing between some of my brothers and sisters. For some reason I'd been sleeping on the floor in the middle of my bedroom. Plants surrounded me in a large ring. Wrapping around each other slowly growing more and more intertwined, they formed a deathly wreath of red poppies, belladonna, and purple irises. My hand was outstretched to the wreath's edge, and there clasping it was my brother Bran, who lay on the floor just outside the ring. Eyes watering, he smiled at me and his voice filled my thoughts.
Welcome back.
Bran and I shared the same empathic powers, and more often than not we communicated with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions rather than spoken words. His body rang with joy, and he sent me his ebullience through our clasping hands.
Our siblings must have noticed the change in his mood because their bickering ceased, and they all came to stand around the wreath. Even though they held smiles on their faces, an underlying sense of doubt emanated from them all except Bran. His was the only true smile.
We called him "Bran" because he, like I, was a vegetarian. The others, clearly with mixed feelings on my revival, were resigning themselves to another night of macaroni.
Opening: Xiexie.....Continuation: Anon.
8 comments:
Unchosen continuations (The continuation was chosen by a vote of the minions. Seven votes were cast with the winner receiving three of them):
I looked at Bran's sheepish expression and knew what he was up to. This was confirmed by the chalcedony knife in his hand.
"Bran, you weren't going to sacrifice your little sister to the goddess, were you?"
"Martha's not eligible since summer camp."
"Bran!"
"We were going to bring you back to life, honest!"
--Bill H.
I tried to get up, but found myself struggling against the weight of the my deep sleep. At some point I slipped falling face forward into the wreath of belladonna and poppies. When I finally got up again I realized I'd crushed several of the belladonna berries against my chest and arms. My favorite shirt was ruined, covered from top to bottom with berry juice.
The others just snickered. But, of course, it was Bran who reached out instantly and took my hand. Once I seemed to have regained my cool again over the shirt he whispered gently in my ear, "I feel your stain, girl. I really do."
wendy
"Okay, kids." I heard dad's voice and, as he stepped forward, saw him towering over the others. "Looks like Korn pulled through -- you're going to have to give him his stuff back. Ma," Dad shouted, "don't put that ad on craigslist; we gonna still need that room."
--anon.
It's lovely that you're back, darling, Bran thought at me, his enthusiasm twinkling like stars. The others simply don't have the right touch for a serious goth floral display, and the Halloween party is tomorrow night!
--batgirl
We called him "Bran" because he, like I, was a vegetarian. The others, though, with mixed feelings on my revival, were clearly resigning themselves to another night of macaroni.
--anon.
The door opened.
It was Mom.
'Keep the friggin' noise down, you guys. 'Me and your Pop are trying to have sex.'
--wo
The first sentence begins, "On that first day..." which I take to mean the story is being told not as it happens, but after it has happened. But if that's true, why, in the second sentence, does the narrator not know why he was sleeping on the floor? Possibly this is no problem, though if it's a bit of a shift in POV it's easily remedied by removing "On that first day."
You describe the situation well without giving me a clue as to what is going on, e.g. why the heck is everyone standing there, why the plants are there, what is most important or odd about this situation.
Also, put the mental thoughts in either italics or set them off somehow. It's sort of a standard to use italics, but it can be done in other ways.
Writtenwyrdd is right. I think at least one sentence could be used to give a hint where this is going.
Quite like this, but get rid of the explainy paragraph.
I liked it. I'd continue reading. The flow was easy, the voice interesting. I'm interested in knowing what would happen next.
Bran's watering eyes, the "welcome back" are enough to raise the question of "where has the narrator been?" And the depth of Bran's excitement at the narrator waking up suggests that wherever the narrator's been, it's a huge relief that s/he has returned.
But EE is right; "for some reason" in the 2nd sentence implies the narrator doesn't know where s/he's been.
I know little about empaths, but the sentence "he sent me his ebullience through our clasping hands" seemed a bit off. Perhaps it's the verb "to send," since it means the brother sent and emotion. Can one do that? The recipient can feel, appreciate, etc, the emotion. The caveat here is that this isn't a genre I read.
Are the plants moving?
Now this is an image. A creepy image. (Is it supposed to be creepy?)But an original image nonetheless.
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