Bad Analogies, Batch 3

He kissed her, expecting her lips to suck at his own like a vacuum cleaner, but when they enveloped his entire torso, and her invading tongue licked around inside him till the capillaries in his toes swelled with the squelch of slugs pumped full of jelly, he knew he should have left it till they reached the decompression chamber. --Whirl

The girl was young and pretty, the way her nanna was once young and pretty all those years ago during the war and all the soldiers who visited thought she was young and pretty and asked her to marry them but she didn't want to get married when she was so young and pretty so she turned them all down until she met the girl's grandfather and she married him. --Shell I

Understanding women is like opening a can of soup; contents should be heated and stirred. --Bill H.

She was alone and abandoned, like a meerkat that had gotten on an interurban bus by mistake and found itself in Minneapolis. --tal

As Mary Sue landed on her butt, she thought that the dance floor was slicker than the greased piglet at the country fair and much less comfortable. --Dave F.

Eating with chopsticks is like writing with your left hand . . . unless you're left-handed. --EE

His attitudes were as passé as text messaging will probably be some day when everybody carries around little two-way audio/video devices, maybe wearing them on their wrists, sort of like Dick Tracy, if anybody still remembers him. --Paul Penna

Her boyfriend was about as useful as a crocheted tractor. --Robin Jr.

His hands roamed the area between her breasts and thighs with the stealthy diligence of a moonshiner in the woods on his way to the still. --Meri

The receptionist was useless and irritating, like a handful of iron filings in your underwear. --blogless