The moon shone bright on the Allwyn Keep; in the hall, a heavy tread, the scrabbling of claws on the wide plank floor. The tang of fresh blood that bloomed suddenly in the night air.
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention back to the manuscript she and her childhood teacher, Collen, studied by lamp light. He knew from long ago how much she hated the nights of the full moon, and often joined her vigil at those times, bringing books and herbs for tea, and best of all, his company.
Elyria was the Keeper of the Were, but these nights reminded her she had little control over her unholy family. She 'kept' the Were, she thought cynically, in the sense that a serving maid might 'Keep' the castle. Clean up the messes, sweep aside the debris, make sure the etiquette of horror was observed. See to it that the needs of the wolfen were met; that their encroachments on the humans in their territories were kept to a minimum; that the Noble Accord was honored.
She was quite certain Virginia Woolf and Jane Austen had endured no such trials, and she often wondered cynically whether, had she been born in a different time, she would have needed to work such a god-awful job to support herself until she was published.
Opening: debhoag.....Continuation: freddie
24 comments:
"Bad Rolin. No!" She pulled out a rolled up paper she always kept on hand, and batted him, rather hard, on the nose.
Would her cousin never learn to stop eating people?~
rofl
1st paragraph is very lyrical but a bit hard to follow. 2nd paragraph is not as lyrical and a little less hard to parse, but still a bit awkward. 3rd paragraph has me hooked - very nice.
I'd like this beginning. It introduces THE Allwyn Keep, Colleen and Elyria.
I'd like it better if it didn't cause motion sickness. Let me explain that. It's a POV thing.
It's like those Bourne movies with Matt Damon acting so cute and adorable as he rips heads off people and blows up buildings and wrecks lotsa cars with all the zooming, wiggling cameras and fast cuts. It's like "Cloverfield" from that awful shaky handheld camera that they gave to the idiot in the script. Or those grandly introspective nose shots from that dark "Blair Witch Project" where the characters monologue into the camera about their fears. I was never so thrilled by shaky images of nose hairs in my many lives and reincarnations. (No reflection on the current beginning.)
We start way high up at the moon shining on Allwyn Keep and zoom down, in our mind's eye, to inside a room in the keep where (quick shot) claws scrape the floor menacingly, blood treats our taste buds (eeeeuuuwww) and then we relax in the night air (are we still inside or outside? I don't know) to study a textbook with a maybe boyfriend. All in the space of two deep breaths.
At least THE Allwyn Keep has wood floors and not dirt floors. I'm not sure why wide planking is preferred over narrow planking.
Take your time and use a few more words to set the scene. Focus it on Elyria and her boyfriend Collen (I almost spelled it Colleen again) and on her family of werewolves who have need for bloodsport once a month. Must be like having relatives in those Ultimate Fighting shows - part circus, lots of pit smells and Mumsie with fangs.
You start getting to money lines in P3 with Elyria cleaning up after her family. This paragraph may be where you want to start the novel. But be careful, "Clean the messes" give me images of werewolf dung in heaps on the floor.
I'm not a fan of werewolf stories but this interests me.
The 3rd paragraph list is long. I might dup the messes and the etiquette of horror, depending on what the latter means. You'll still have an intriguing list.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I have to agree that the third paragraph is the charm. I don't object to the first two, but streamline if you want to keep them.
An intriguing start and what appears to be a uniquely constructed world.
I liked the first few words and the images evoked. I was dismayed, however to note the lack of a verb in the second clause of the first sentence and in the second sentence of the opening paragraph. I have a difficult time discerning action when there's no verb in a sentence. But I read on. When I finished para 3, I noticed that the final sentence has no subject. I would not read on.
ME
You had me at "scrabbling of claws".
I would suggest extending p2. To introduce both Elyria and Collen in the first sentence, and then give us exposition about Collen's intimate, historic knowledge of Elyria in the next, seems rushed and explanatory. That seems like the perfect sort of intimacy to show through monologue and subtle character (re)actions over time.
I am a fan of werewolf stories, so I hope to read more!
I really like this. There are some minor nits already mentioned, but after those are fixed I think you really have something here.
I haven't read too many werewolf stories myself, so I'd read on.
Freddie, I'll give you Jane Austen; but what makes you so sure Virginia Woolf didn't have to do this?
I love the idea of the Keeper of the Were and I really liked the first para; very atmospheric. Then at the start of the second you lost me from 'childhood teacher' onwards. I felt that I didn't need to be told these things at this stage; just Collen would have been fine - or perhaps have him redirect her to the manuscript, showing he was the teacher. Similarly, in the third para you start by simply telling us her positon - that could be conveyed at least partially by showing. Great scenario, though. Awful job. Werewolf poop. Ick.
On the whole, I'm taken by this, but there are a couple of lines that bug me.
Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention...
This doesn't work for me at all — the allowing and the forcing seem unecessary verb constructs that cloud the issue.
The noise outside is clearly a distraction — in which case Elyria might well respond with a shudder. But surely it would be involuntary? The way it's written, it sounds like an afterthought — she affords herself the luxury of a shudder (because, of course, there is work to be done and there is no time to be distracted by the sound of hooves — however well described in para 1).
Surely she shudders, then presses on?
Elyria shuddered, then pressed on/carried on reading/resumed etc — or something like that.
Then there's this line...
She 'kept' the Were, she thought cynically, in the sense that a serving maid might 'Keep' the castle.
I know what you're saying, but it reads very awkwardly in context. It's the quote marks and the overt cynicism, I think.
How about "She kept them only in the sense that a serving maid..."
But that's it — and it's only me being nit-picky.
I'd read on.
All I know about Virginia Woolf is what I learned from watching The Hours. I pulled out a name of a nineteenth century female writer out of my head for the joke. Shoulda gone with Emily Dickenson.
Virginia Woolf: 1883-1941. NOT a 19th century writer, lol.
Oh. Obviously I was not an English major.
This one kind of made me feel akin to having my fly unzipped in public or something.
Freddie, please tell me you're feeling unzipped due to the Virginia Woolf/19th century issue, not because of the book opening. ;)
Yep, I was referring to my little gaffe. I liked the opening.
Cool. Although, I do have some romantic fiction that could get your zipper zipping . . .
Bucket of cold water needed over here...
Freddie, I was not referring to the date problem, which I didn't even notice, but to the fact that she was, after all, a WOOLF!
I like this. A lot.
I do not normally read werewolf fiction.
Yeah, but this is VIRGINIA Werewoolf fiction!
Unchosen Continuation:
The new arrival padded to her side, and dropped something at her feet. She noticed, with considerable annoyance, that it was a human hand.
"Bad Rolin. No!" She pulled out a rolled up paper she always kept on hand, and batted him, rather hard, on the nose.
Would her cousin never learn to stop eating people?
--Melissa
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