tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post597012024171690572..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 512Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18518574566412093462008-07-08T09:11:00.000-04:002008-07-08T09:11:00.000-04:00Unchosen Continuation:The new arrival padded to he...Unchosen Continuation:<BR/><BR/>The new arrival padded to her side, and dropped something at her feet. She noticed, with considerable annoyance, that it was a human hand.<BR/><BR/>"Bad Rolin. No!" She pulled out a rolled up paper she always kept on hand, and batted him, rather hard, on the nose.<BR/><BR/>Would her cousin never learn to stop eating people?<BR/><BR/>--MelissaEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70997607363075680312008-06-10T16:40:00.000-04:002008-06-10T16:40:00.000-04:00Yeah, but this is VIRGINIA Werewoolf fiction!Yeah, but this is VIRGINIA Werewoolf fiction!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73298388580049697522008-06-10T12:50:00.000-04:002008-06-10T12:50:00.000-04:00I like this. A lot. I do not normally read werew...I like this. A lot. <BR/><BR/>I do not normally read werewolf fiction.Bonniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07895569211498067204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25323206197178898982008-06-08T22:30:00.000-04:002008-06-08T22:30:00.000-04:00Freddie, I was not referring to the date problem, ...Freddie, I was not referring to the date problem, which I didn't even notice, but to the fact that she was, after all, a WOOLF!talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72536879309087739082008-06-08T19:50:00.000-04:002008-06-08T19:50:00.000-04:00Bucket of cold water needed over here...Bucket of cold water needed over here...McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71833593577542569742008-06-08T17:18:00.000-04:002008-06-08T17:18:00.000-04:00Cool. Although, I do have some romantic fiction th...Cool. Although, I do have some romantic fiction that could get your zipper zipping . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61080362428991878902008-06-08T15:29:00.000-04:002008-06-08T15:29:00.000-04:00Yep, I was referring to my little gaffe. I liked t...Yep, I was referring to my little gaffe. I liked the opening.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3212674768798719642008-06-08T14:53:00.000-04:002008-06-08T14:53:00.000-04:00Freddie, please tell me you're feeling unzipped du...Freddie, please tell me you're feeling unzipped due to the Virginia Woolf/19th century issue, not because of the book opening. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63486965651707176062008-06-08T14:00:00.000-04:002008-06-08T14:00:00.000-04:00This one kind of made me feel akin to having my fl...This one kind of made me feel akin to having my fly unzipped in public or something.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25479850975937527392008-06-08T10:00:00.000-04:002008-06-08T10:00:00.000-04:00Oh. Obviously I was not an English major.Oh. Obviously I was not an English major.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38285642827833673842008-06-08T09:18:00.000-04:002008-06-08T09:18:00.000-04:00Virginia Woolf: 1883-1941. NOT a 19th century wri...Virginia Woolf: 1883-1941. NOT a 19th century writer, lol.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42536533588250248542008-06-08T08:12:00.000-04:002008-06-08T08:12:00.000-04:00All I know about Virginia Woolf is what I learned ...All I know about Virginia Woolf is what I learned from watching <I>The Hours.</I> I pulled out a name of a nineteenth century female writer out of my head for the joke. Shoulda gone with Emily Dickenson.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12851392553978071362008-06-08T06:29:00.000-04:002008-06-08T06:29:00.000-04:00On the whole, I'm taken by this, but there are a c...On the whole, I'm taken by this, but there are a couple of lines that bug me.<BR/><BR/><I>Elyria allowed herself a shudder, then forced her attention...</I><BR/><BR/>This doesn't work for me at all — the allowing and the forcing seem unecessary verb constructs that cloud the issue.<BR/><BR/>The noise outside is clearly a distraction — in which case Elyria might well respond with a shudder. But surely it would be involuntary? The way it's written, it sounds like an afterthought — she affords herself the luxury of a shudder (because, of course, there is work to be done and there is no time to be distracted by the sound of hooves — however well described in para 1).<BR/><BR/>Surely she shudders, then presses on?<BR/><BR/><I>Elyria shuddered, then pressed on/carried on reading/resumed etc</I> — or something like that.<BR/><BR/>Then there's this line...<BR/><BR/><I>She 'kept' the Were, she thought cynically, in the sense that a serving maid might 'Keep' the castle.</I><BR/><BR/>I know what you're saying, but it reads very awkwardly in context. It's the quote marks and the overt cynicism, I think.<BR/><BR/>How about "She kept them only in the sense that a serving maid..."<BR/><BR/>But that's it — and it's only me being nit-picky.<BR/><BR/>I'd read on.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73920635367394896362008-06-08T01:08:00.000-04:002008-06-08T01:08:00.000-04:00I love the idea of the Keeper of the Were and I re...I love the idea of the Keeper of the Were and I really liked the first para; very atmospheric. Then at the start of the second you lost me from 'childhood teacher' onwards. I felt that I didn't need to be told these things at this stage; just Collen would have been fine - or perhaps have him redirect her to the manuscript, showing he was the teacher. Similarly, in the third para you start by simply telling us her positon - that could be conveyed at least partially by showing. Great scenario, though. Awful job. Werewolf poop. Ick.McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16374131224213290122008-06-07T21:12:00.000-04:002008-06-07T21:12:00.000-04:00Freddie, I'll give you Jane Austen; but what makes...Freddie, I'll give you Jane Austen; but what makes you so sure Virginia Woolf didn't have to do this?talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56118836313833905452008-06-07T16:25:00.000-04:002008-06-07T16:25:00.000-04:00I really like this. There are some minor nits alre...I really like this. There are some minor nits already mentioned, but after those are fixed I think you really have something here.<BR/><BR/>I haven't read too many werewolf stories myself, so I'd read on.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25257313290217040022008-06-07T13:30:00.000-04:002008-06-07T13:30:00.000-04:00You had me at "scrabbling of claws".I would sugges...You had me at "scrabbling of claws".<BR/><BR/>I would suggest extending p2. To introduce both Elyria and Collen in the first sentence, and then give us exposition about Collen's intimate, historic knowledge of Elyria in the next, seems rushed and explanatory. That seems like the perfect sort of intimacy to show through monologue and subtle character (re)actions over time.<BR/><BR/>I <B>am</B> a fan of werewolf stories, so I hope to read more!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89163817029889691102008-06-07T12:55:00.000-04:002008-06-07T12:55:00.000-04:00I liked the first few words and the images evoked....I liked the first few words and the images evoked. I was dismayed, however to note the lack of a verb in the second clause of the first sentence <I>and</I> in the second sentence of the opening paragraph. I have a difficult time discerning action when there's no verb in a sentence. But I read on. When I finished para 3, I noticed that the final sentence has no subject. I would not read on.<BR/><BR/>MEAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42784701335812931102008-06-07T12:10:00.000-04:002008-06-07T12:10:00.000-04:00I have to agree that the third paragraph is the ch...I have to agree that the third paragraph is the charm. I don't object to the first two, but streamline if you want to keep them.<BR/><BR/>An intriguing start and what appears to be a uniquely constructed world.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42888074024249654222008-06-07T12:04:00.000-04:002008-06-07T12:04:00.000-04:00Thank you, thank you, thank you!Thank you, thank you, thank you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38112859491725862622008-06-07T11:28:00.000-04:002008-06-07T11:28:00.000-04:00The 3rd paragraph list is long. I might dup the me...The 3rd paragraph list is long. I might dup the messes and the etiquette of horror, depending on what the latter means. You'll still have an intriguing list.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56934894740550222008-06-07T11:03:00.000-04:002008-06-07T11:03:00.000-04:00I'd like this beginning. It introduces THE Allwyn ...I'd like this beginning. It introduces THE Allwyn Keep, Colleen and Elyria.<BR/> <BR/>I'd like it better if it didn't cause motion sickness. Let me explain that. It's a POV thing. <BR/><BR/>It's like those Bourne movies with Matt Damon acting so cute and adorable as he rips heads off people and blows up buildings and wrecks lotsa cars with all the zooming, wiggling cameras and fast cuts. It's like "Cloverfield" from that awful shaky handheld camera that they gave to the idiot in the script. Or those grandly introspective nose shots from that dark "Blair Witch Project" where the characters monologue into the camera about their fears. I was never so thrilled by shaky images of nose hairs in my many lives and reincarnations. (No reflection on the current beginning.)<BR/><BR/>We start way high up at the moon shining on Allwyn Keep and zoom down, in our mind's eye, to inside a room in the keep where (quick shot) claws scrape the floor menacingly, blood treats our taste buds (eeeeuuuwww) and then we relax in the night air (are we still inside or outside? I don't know) to study a textbook with a maybe boyfriend. All in the space of two deep breaths. <BR/><BR/>At least THE Allwyn Keep has wood floors and not dirt floors. I'm not sure why wide planking is preferred over narrow planking. <BR/><BR/><B>Take your time and use a few more words to set the scene.</B> Focus it on Elyria and her boyfriend Collen (I almost spelled it Colleen again) and on her family of werewolves who have need for bloodsport once a month. Must be like having relatives in those Ultimate Fighting shows - part circus, lots of pit smells and Mumsie with fangs. <BR/><BR/>You start getting to money lines in P3 with Elyria cleaning up after her family. <B>This paragraph may be where you want to start the novel.</B> But be careful, "Clean the messes" give me images of werewolf dung in heaps on the floor. <BR/><BR/>I'm not a fan of werewolf stories but this interests me.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55415719618189837922008-06-07T10:39:00.000-04:002008-06-07T10:39:00.000-04:001st paragraph is very lyrical but a bit hard to fo...1st paragraph is very lyrical but a bit hard to follow. 2nd paragraph is not as lyrical and a little less hard to parse, but still a bit awkward. 3rd paragraph has me hooked - very nice.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34401328741740952592008-06-07T10:31:00.000-04:002008-06-07T10:31:00.000-04:00"Bad Rolin. No!" She pulled out a rolled up paper ..."Bad Rolin. No!" She pulled out a rolled up paper she always kept on hand, and batted him, rather hard, on the nose.<BR/><BR/>Would her cousin never learn to stop eating people?~<BR/><BR/>roflJulie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.com