Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Update

You may recall that Evil Editor has been getting a lot of email from bank employees trying to help me get my hands on unclaimed fortunes gathering dust in third world banks--in return for which I'm expected to cut my benefactors in on the loot. Lately most of the requests for my assistance have come from Ivory Coast, a small African country named after two brands of soap. Assuming all these emails are legit, the amount of money languishing in Ivory Coast banks, in accounts owned by dead people with no living relatives, would be sufficient to feed all the starving children in America for a decade.

Just when I was thinking these emails might be scams, I get one yesterday that's a completely different twist:

You may not understand why this mail came to you.But if you do not remember me, you might have receive an email from me in the past regarding a multi-million-dollar business proposal which we never concluded. I am using this opportunity to inform you that this multi-million-dollar business has been concluded with the assistance of another partner from Paraguay who financed the transaction to a logical conclusion. I thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the fund out of my bank to my new partner's account in Paraguay that was capable of assisting me in this great venture.
Apparently this guy emailed me, and when I failed to respond, emailed someone in Paraguay who decided to help him procure the money. I don't understand why I was informed of this, unless it was a common courtesy to prevent me from responding tardily to the original email. Or maybe the writer wanted to let me know that if I'd only trusted him, I'd be a wealthy man but instead some guy in Paraguay is wealthy and I'm not, and nyaah nyaah nyaah.

But here's the interesting part, which comes in the following paragraph:

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness you shown during the course of the transaction. I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of US$950,000.00. I have left a certified international bank draft for you worth of US$950,000.00 cashable anywhere in the world
This is followed by details on how I may obtain the bank draft. Apparently, in return for having done absolutely nothing, I am to be rewarded with 950,000 dollars. I should be happy, but for some reason I now keep thinking of the poor schmuck in Paraguay. He took all the risk, and yet I am now getting a hefty chunk of the reward.

Yesterday I was kicking myself for not answering the original email, and letting the Paraguayan guy get the money. Today I'm thinking, hell, even if I'd answered the original email, this Ivory Coast bastard would be giving some Paraguayan bum 950 large of my money. Where does he get off?

I've made up my mind that I'm going to do the right thing. When I get my $950,000 I'm going to give half of it to the guy in Paraguay, if I can find out who he is . . . . Make that a third of it.

12 comments:

paraguay guy said...

You're doing the right thing. Really. I take Visa, Mastercard, Amex and pristine copies of Novel Deviations 1, 2 or 3 (please contact me for the current exchange rate).

Anonymous said...

'ello. My name ees Juana. Juana Valdeez. An' I am de one who ees par'ners wit de Ivry Coast guy. Click de link, send me dis bank info an' weel be rich toogedder.

kitty said...

Steve Graham (retired attorney) turned the tables on these scammers and wrote a funny book called The Good the Spam and the Ugly.

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ChristineEldin said...

named after two brands of soap That's a scream!!! LOL!

I'm curious why you don't try to peddle, er, I mean sell, the Novel Deviations to these rich people all over the world? Just imagine the orders.....

Dave F. said...

Gee, you sound so bitter. Perhaps you should enlist a military strike by McCain or get Hillary's drinking buddies to slam those evil, nasty Paraguayan immigrants. Maybe Bush can give you tax relief? Maybe Oprah will hear your story and take pity.

{Somebody spank me, I'm hot today!}
;)

kitty said...

Dave likes to be spanked. LOL Oooo, you naughty boy ;~)

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BuffySquirrel said...

An editor with a conscience?

C'mon!

Khazar-khum said...

I'm Hispanic! And I can be flexible! I'm not going to rip you off-- I don't need credit card numbers. A few books and a signed contract to publish are all I need, and we're in business.

stick and move said...

He obviously meant Paraguay, Florida, which is where I live. I'm the Ivory Coast dude's partner. His name is Clik Clik *clucking sound three times quick* which translates to Bubba in English. Your original offer of half the $950,000 is fair. I'll email the address for the check, and I admire your integrity.

Robin S. said...

I'm with Chirs- loved the two brands of soap bit.

Lately I've been getting emails from women with weird, stupid, misspelled lame names telling me "they nice girls" and they wanna talk to me. Isn't that nice of them? Dumb fucks.

talpianna said...

Since everyone knows that the entire population of Paraguay consists of Nazi war criminals in disguise, I'm wondering why EE turns up on the same mailing list as one of them?

EE, what are your plans for the minions here? I mean, I know why I have the moles--we're going to invade Tierra del Fuego--but what is OUR mission statement?

And if you're planning to set up as the new Führer, may I remind you that the moles are even führrier than you are, despite the dundrearies?

Nancy Beck said...

Lately I've been getting emails from women with weird, stupid, misspelled lame names telling me "they nice girls" and they wanna talk to me. Isn't that nice of them? Dumb fucks.

Robin, you just made my day. :-)