"Julyeis! Get up here now, woman! Julyeis!"
Varoul's bellowing was loud enough to pass though the stone flag floors to the basement where Julyeis had her office. Luckily she was still dressed; she had been tallying the evening's takings and finalising next week's budget. She pulled a shawl over her shoulders as she went to see what her owner needed at this late hour.
He was standing in the main hallway, his craggy features dancing in the flicker of the oil lamps burning low on the walls.
"Is there a problem, Varoul?"
"That stupid bitch Zhamelle! Does she think this is some cheap hostel where she can rent a room for an hour?"
She was tired; she didn't bother to hide her yawn from him when it caught her throat.
"Quiet, Varoul! Tell me what she's done and I'll see if I can sort it out."
"Come!" he said, turning towards the main stairs leading to the upper levels. "Come and see!"
Julyeis traipsed up the stairs in Varoul's shadow, her knowledge of the Inn's twisted corridors offsetting the lack of light.
Varoul pushed open one of the guest room doors and stepped inside. With a sigh, Julyeis followed.
"See?" said Varoul. "Two cameramen, a boom operator, a Foley puller, a best boy and a gaffer. Where does the money come from for all this?"
Zhamelle stepped forward. "When we sell the rights to Cinemax and then edit in the hard-core scenes for re-sale to Spice Network, the money'll be rolling in," she said.
Julyeis suppressed a grin. Varoul worried about pennies, but it was she and Zhamelle who'd worked out a way to make real money at the Cottontail Ranch.
Opening: Rik.....Continuation: Anonymous
3 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
Voroul threw open the door and pushed Julyeis in to see.
"What's the big deal?" said Julyeis. "It looks like she's started a carnival."
--Bill Highsmith
Julyeis traipsed up the stairs in Varoul's shadow, her knowledge of the Inn's twisted corridors making up for the lack of light from the one flickering oil lap.
Varoul pushed open one of the gust room doors and stepped inside. With a sigh, Julyeis followed.
"SURPRISE!
Julyeis's eyeses sprung wide in disbelief. All of the servants were there, and the room was strewn with colorful streamers and paper balloons. The other girls threw confetti and rice creating the scene of an ice storm inside.
"What the--?" Julyeis could not believe the scene.
Varoul chuckled. "You have been my servant for ten years -- the longest ever. Your loyalty deserves recognition." Julyeis felt the prickle of warm tears and a pain in her throat. Her master placed a heavy hand upon her shoulder. "Now clean up all this mess, you feckless trollop."
--anon.
Good hook--unless what Zhamelle has done proves to be a letdown or unimportant to the plot.
I don't like "Quiet Varoul!" That's something you say to interrupt, but by inserting the yawn paragraph, it no longer feels like Varoul is speaking. Plus, Varoul owns Julyeis? She may have a position of authority among his "property," but that's a little strong. How about this order:
"Is there a problem, Varoul?" She didn't bother to hide her yawn from him when it caught her throat.
"That stupid bitch Zhamelle! Does she think this is some cheap hostel where she can rent a room for an hour?"
Julyeis sighed. "Tell me what she's done, and I'll see if I can sort it out."
"Come!" He turned toward the main stairs leading to the upper levels. "Come and see!"
Congrats, Anonymous, for an excellent continuation. Wish I'd thought of that.
Maybe I will ...
EE - thanks for the advice. There's plenty more things like that to fix in the draft before it lands on an agent's desk. Remind me not to do NaNo next year.
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