Face-Lift 1490

Guess the Plot

Nelsai of Nirvana

1. Nelsai accidentally finds herself in Nirvana, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it's a fractured world on the brink of collapse. Can she bring this place back to its heavenly former self? Also, a motherly pirate.

2. Nirvana, yeah, that, that place, yeah, with the smoke, yeah, it's somewhere high, yeah, with Nelsai, yeah.

3. Nelsai is dead. She knows this. That won't stop her from getting revenge on the ones who killed her. Thankfully, they joined her in Nirvana. Revenge is sweet. 

4. Nirvana was a paradise until humans turned it into a tourist trap. Now the soul of the world has manifested as Nelsai, theme parks have turned into horror houses and nature is showing the puny ape-derivatives how powerless they really are--unless Marty can make Nelsai fall in love.

5. Autobiography of Mitch Nelsai, one of five drummers who played with Nirvana before Dave Grohl joined the band. The book focuses on the three days Mitch lasted before Kurt Cobain threw him out because the 68-year-old Nelsai didn't have enough teen spirit. 

Original Version

Dear agent, 

The afterlife is broken, and Nelsai’s the only one who isn’t helping – that’s what they keep telling her.

Nobody asked for a shoddy version of heaven. When Nelsai spawns into the afterlife and a kind doctor, a motherly pirate, and a boy rescue her from the spawn site, she’s grateful, but lost. Like everyone else in Ati, she’s doomed to either fade peacefully when her regrets resolve – or dissolve in agony if she dies before then. [What is Ati? Is it Nirvana? My research reveals it's a Yoga level, and/or something to do with eastern religions. Based on the title, I would expect the afterlife in your book to be Nirvana. But Nirvana isn't mentioned at all in the query. Also, you know why they call it "afterlife"? Because you "spawn" into it when you're dead. Are any of the four characters mentioned so far dead?]

Twenty years later, [Twenty years? Is she still in the afterlife? What's she been doing? Are these people trying to get back to the beforedeath?] when the doctor proposes another mission to save a fellow spawner, Nelsai agrees because peer pressure is a hell of a thing. But the mission goes awry, and the innocent spawner perishes in a horrifying new kind of death: a blood mist. The Doves, the afterlife regime, retaliate by executing Nelsai’s family and she snaps, discovering an ability to freeze water. How exciting. [Such sarcasm is unwarranted. Are you not familiar with Iceman, Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, Ice, and Blizzard? Top of the line B-list superheroes and villains.] [Also, anyone can freeze water. That's how we get ice cubes.] [Wait, the Doves are so upset that someone they never met is dead, that they kill a bunch of other people that they never met?]

With her adoptive brother, Quinn, [the only family member who wasn't executed by the Doves, because, hey, he was only adopted,] Nelsai joins the Doves to destroy them from within. [Rules 38 and 218 of rules for Evil Overlords: If I just wiped out someone's entire family, and that someone applies to join my organization, I will immediately kill them.] Their paths cross again with Tetron, ["Their," meaning Nelsai & Quinn? Are the doctor and pirate along too? When did their paths uncross?] an arrogant, conniving man who will do anything for his blatantly secretive goals. But when Tetron unexpectedly saves her from certain death, Nelsai is forced to confront the complexity of their relationship – and that Tetron might be more worth tolerating than she wanted. [When your enemy saves you from certain death, consider whether they might be doing so because mere death is too good for you.]

Together, they [They, meaning the whole gang + Tetron? ] struggle to control a crumbling political system, a fractured world on the brink of collapse, [That world being Ati? Nirvana?] and an emerging force always steps ahead of their subpar attempts to resist it. Quinn’s growing distance and his willingness to sacrifice their friends leave Nelsai torn between loyalty and ambition. She needs allies – she wants friends – but who? Yun’s flashy lightning doesn’t do crap indoors. McClintock’s invincible and acts like it too. Luke has a nice Talent, but he’s definitely faking it. [Wait, are these the names of the doctor, pirate, and boy? Maybe throw in their names up above, instead of their adjectives (kind, motherly)] Conveniently, Tetron wants to help, though she knows his desire to win is just as fierce as her own. [Is it a bad thing to have people on your team who are invincible or have a strong desire to win?]

Nelsai of Nirvana is a 90,000-word gripping, character-driven dark fantasy that [with series potential. The novel] explores mortality, purpose of life, guilt, enemies to trauma bonding to friends to lovers, and what it means to truly know oneself. [When listing stuff, limit yourself to the top three.] It would most appeal to fans who enjoyed the dialogue driven, dual timeline storytelling from The Lies of Locke Lamora, and piecing together an intriguing world – all under a sense of impending doom – as Essun did in the Broken Earth Trilogy.

 

I’m an avid reader in this genre and write sustainability reports for a living. I used to have other hobbies until pickleball took over my life. Nelsai of Nirvana is a standalone novel with great series potential. I’d love to send you the full manuscript for your consideration. Nelsai is dying – pun intended – to meet you.                                                             

Thank you very much for your time.          

Notes

This is too long. Ten sentences of plot summary is about right to tell us who your main character is, what her current situation is, what her goal is, what obstacle stands in her way, what her plan is to overcome that obstacle, and what will happen if she fails. 

If I'm spawned into the afterlife before dying, my goal is gonna be to get out, unless the place is a lot better than the one I left. As it appears there's no way out, Nelsai needs a new goal, and chooses: destroy the afterlife regime. Pretty ambitious but maybe if you tell us what her companions are capable of, instead of denigrating their talents, we'll buy into it.

Do the pirate, doctor, and boy have a goal other than rescuing a spawner every twenty years?

I don't get much of a sense of what this place is like. What are the dead who haven't faded away or dissolved doing? Are they more like people or angels or zombies? Who put the Doves in charge? Does the doctor have patients? You don't have room in the query to build the whole world, but a little something would help.

Face-Lift 1489

Guess the Plot

Valistry

1. After writing in the wrong computer code, James enters the world of Valistry, in the role of the villain's top henchman. Chaos ensues.

2. It's a city under siege from monsters and mages, and it's up to one woman to protect the innocents. Too bad she's got her own agenda: a personal revenge tour.

3. It's time to save the world again, but all the heroes at the Valistry agency have their hands full with death (The Reapers Agency) and taxes (Big Brother Ltd.). Can intern Annie-Jay step up to the plate or will it be WWIII trenches all over again?

4. The memoir of a wannabe author who posted their novel on the web only to discover real publishers were then unwilling to publish it. Also, CliffsNotes.

5. When Sally finds the obituary of her childhood BFF Claire in the morning paper, she thinks back over the petty feuds that eventually drove them apart. Each chapter recounts a story from their past, from PTA meeting squabbles to college roommate spats to fighting over a boy in high school. So many things they should have forgiven each other for. Except that Scrabble triple-word score crap Claire tried to pull. What kind of a word is "Valistry"? Good riddance, bitch.

Original Version

Upstart guilder Shukari is sick of putting her wants below others. Risking her skin against monsters in metal forests and crooked mages in eco-cities don’t give leads to her parents’ murders. [Nitpick: If she's risking her skin against monsters and mages, "don't" should be "doesn't." If it's only the monsters she's risking her skin against, maybe add a verb in front of the mages, like "outsmarting" or "battling."] Yes, she loves protecting people, but she really joined the Guild for its networking. Tough quests paired with dead-ends are testing her patience. But without better options, what else does one do but grin and bear it? 

 

Finally, she discovers groundbreaking info about the case. The catch? It belongs to arms ring leader Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, who’s wanted dead or alive. And when Shukari tries “alive” for her own goals, she realizes Tantalus used himself as bait—and rigged the structure they’re in to collapse. Innocents and guildmates get hurt, and lucky her, she’s the scapegoat. [When you say she discovers groundbreaking info, I assume she has it or knows what it is, not that someone else has it. More likely is: When she hears that arms dealer Tantalus, proud owner of a mile-long rap sheet, has crucial info about her parents' case, she tracks down the criminal. But she quickly realizes that he used himself as bait--and . . . ]

 

One write-up [reprimand?] later, Shukari is given a choice, shape up or ship out—and risk her parents’ case staying cold. Deal. She knows capturing Tantalus is an easy path to penance. She’ll need a sharp wit to do so and a sharper spear to fight crooks invested in his success. With allies and enemies watching her every move, [This may be the path to penance, but it doesn't sound "easy" to me.] she wants to prove herself just and complete the mission of her life. But as many more innocents are threatened, Shukari must choose: those she swore to protect or the two she swore to avenge. [She'll need a spear sharper than her wit? Or sharper than the spear she uses to kill monsters? This must be a metaphorical spear. Fighting with a spear doesn't seem to belong in a world where terms like networking and rap sheets and eco-city are commonly used.]

 

VALISTRY (105,000 words) is Norse Science Fantasy. An Adult standalone with series potential and a diverse ensemble cast, it will appeal to fans of the setting in John Gwynne’s THE SHADOW OF THE GODS shaped by magic and science like M.L. Wang’s BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN. 

Notes

It's not clear why she must choose between protecting innocents and avenging her parents. Especially if those attacking the innocents are the murderers. She can protect innocents when they're being attacked, and work her parents' case during lulls in the attacks. 

I'm not sure what an upstart guilder is, even after reading this. Apparently there's this guild whose members are given death-defying quests in order to protect people from those who would attack them for no obvious reason. Do monsters and mages only attack innocents? 

Here's a slightly more succinct first paragraph:

Shukari doesn't mind risking her skin to protect people from the monsters and crooked mages in her eco-city, but the main reason she joined the Protection Guild was to get leads that would help solve her parents' murder. Now death-defying missions paired with dead-end leads are testing her patience. But without better options, what does one do but grin and bear it? 

This read okay to begin with, so feel free to ignore my suggestions. Most people do.

Feedback Request

 

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1485 would like feedback on the following revision:

Dear [Full Name]

Seventeen-year-old Ruyi should work on better distancing herself from her imprisoned, occult-obsessed, serial killer dad. Instead, she’s using his spellbook to resurrect her girlfriend Manon, who mysteriously drowned. The resurrection goes awry when Ruyi botches a pronunciation and summons Syx, an injured entity from outer space. And it’s trapped inside Manon’s body, unable to leave. 

A desperate Ruyi makes a deal with Syx: she’ll help heal it in exchange for Manon’s resurrection. [How can Syx provide Manon's resurrection?] In the meantime, Ruyi will feed Syx whenever it needs to be fed while making sure no one in their boarding school thinks something is off. If Ruyi can handle pulling all-nighters then she can absolutely handle Syx’s requests for fresh meat.

But when a sleep-deprived Ruyi accidentally kills another student with her car, she panics and turns to Syx for help with getting rid of the body. What she doesn’t expect is Syx’[s] demands for more human flesh while refusing to eat anything else. Now, Ruyi wonders if she’s willing to sacrifice her morals and murder people like her dad once did. Or, if she should give up [on?] Manon’s resurrection and let her corpse be permanently controlled by a dangerous creature. 

CORPSEBORNE is an (est. 80000)-word YA horror. It combines the eldritch horror of I Feed Her To The Beast And The Beast Is Me by Jamison Shea and the dark yet intimate vibes of Don’t Let The Forest In by C.G. Drews. [bio here] Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

This is a big improvement, but it leads me to ask questions about the plot that may be answered in the book:

As I understand it, the spell book includes a spell that will resurrect a dead person, and this spell is almost exactly the same as a spell that will summon an entity from outer space. Why would there even be a spell that can summon an entity from outer space? Was this entity in orbit around Earth or just somewhere in the galaxy? I think it would be better if the spell did something similar to the resurrection Ruyi wants, like summoning a malignant spirit from hell.

Unless Ruyi is going to be getting fresh meat from a grocery store, I'm not convinced that keeping Syx fed is going to be as easy as pulling an all-nighter.

If there's a spell that'll send an entity back into outer space, Ruyi should use it to get rid of Syx, then do the resurrection herself, this time without botching the pronunciation. And if there isn't a spell to send Syx back into space, Syx is going to stay in Manon's body and start killing people as soon as it's healthy. As far as I can tell, murdering people serves only to keep Syx alive, and does nothing for Ruyi or Manon.

Even if these points are covered in the book, if they cause the agent to balk at requesting the manuscript, you might want to cover them in the query or edit out the parts that inspire the questions.

Face-Lift 1488

Guess the Plot

Blades of Bratva

1. Two 15-year-old boys competing in the World Figure Skating competition, must balance their training regimen against the fact that each of their fathers is co-head of the Russian Mafia.

2. The Immortal Beast of Bratva has been terrorizing the country for the past year. Can Alanic find the legendary Blades of Bratva to slay the beast before his home is destroyed next?

3. Sergei's knife shop in Novosibirsk is a front for his family's protection racket and a lucrative murder-for-hire business. But when he falls for Ekaterina, a circus knife thrower, will he give it all up?

4. The swords created by Bratva, the world-renowned blacksmith, have appeared in Hollywood productions from Spartacus to Gladiator. But now there's a new blacksmith underselling Bratva, and stealing his business. This means war, mano a mano, with swords at dawn.

5. When Bratva, Russia's Gillette, nears bankruptcy, due to Russian men all having beards, the CEO switches production from razor blades to straight razors, the weapon of choice for slitting the throats of people who criticize the government. 

6. A poetry collection like Leaves of Grass, only this is about blades of grass, which makes more sense, as grass comes in blades and trees come in leaves. Includes 200 pages of illustrations, musings, and photos.

7. Russian mobsters have been fighting territorial battles in the streets of Moscow for ages, but with guns becoming harder to acquire, they've resorted to using only weapons of Roman gladiators. Finally, big guys like Grigor have an advantage again.

8. Jerome led the team of military brats in the Veterans' Association Junior Fencing League (aka Bratva) to victory in nationals, but when the international competition is caught in the path of an undead swordsmen mercenary unit can he rally the Italians and Japanese?

Original Version

Dear [Agent’s First Name, Last Name],

BLADES OF BRATVA (82,000 words) is a YA novel about generational trauma, brotherly bonds, and the world of ice skating. My book would appeal to catharsis-hungry readers of After Life by Gayle Forman, the raw introspection of You'd Be Home Now by Kathleen Glasgow, the search for identity in This Place is Still Beautiful by XiXi Tian, and, of course, those of us obsessed with the Winter Olympics. [Usually when I look for my next book to read, I'm not after catharsis, introspection, or identity. I just want entertainment . . . and, luckily for you, as much Winter Olympics as possible.] [Putting this information after the plot summary is best, especially in this case, where you have nothing else at the end of the plot summary.]

Fifteen-year-old ice skating cousins Sasha and Alexei are about to achieve their lifelong dream: winning gold in the Men’s Singles Division at the 2015 World Figure Skating Championship. [How can they both be about to achieve this lifelong dream? Only one can get the gold. The other is about to have his lifelong dream crushed. And neither can be sure of winning, so I'd just say their dream is competing in the World Championships.] [Research shows that the 2015 World Championships were held in Shanghai, and no one named Sasha or Alexei performed, which suggests to me that this is . . . fiction! Specifically, alternate history.]

Well, it’s Alexei’s dream to take home gold. Sasha’s dream is to die…and to take the ghost of his mother with him. [Is Sasha's dream to die in the competition?]

        With Sasha having spent the year following his mother’s death in the incestuous claws of Alexei’s father, who dressed Sasha in her image, Sasha wants nothing more than to cut her out of his life forever. [Her? Or him? How old was he when this started? Why isn't it Alexei's father that Sasha want to cut out of his life forever?] It’s quite the task, considering she is one of Russia’s most beloved skating icons and he is essentially smearing her name on the ice. Skating her final program, wearing the dress she died in—he’s quickly earning his place on the public’s most wanted list. [So he's been doing this at every competition leading up to the World Championships?]

       It’s not like Alexei’s life is any easier, of course. His own mother won’t look at him, and he doesn’t even know why. She should be grateful; he’s trying to bring home the gold for her, after all. He only hopes it’s enough to earn her love. [It sounds to me like Alexei's life is somewhat easier.]

Their cloying coaches/foster parents keep Sasha and Alexei out of trouble, but having family in the mafia also doesn’t hurt. Sasha and Alexei’s fathers are the respective heads of the Two-Headed Eagle, a sprawling mafia network knit across Russia’s largest cities. 

The competition will be held in two days in their hometown of St. Petersburg, so the boys know they are safe to galavant as they please. [They should be practicing their quads, not galavanting.] Alexei’s father is far away in Moscow, unable to engage in his obsession with Sasha, but something has changed in St. Petersburg.

The leaders of the Eagle have swapped cities, and Alexei’s father is back in town.

Now, the boys must struggle to keep their friendship, their careers, and their lives intact…while still performing to win. 

Notes

This is too long. It would seem shorter if there weren't so many skipped lines, which can be fixed by combining or eliminating paragraphs. There's no need to tell us Alexei's dad was away in Moscow, and now he's back. Just say he's in town. No need to tell us Sasha's dream is gold if it isn't, just tell us it's to die on the ice in front of a TV audience of millions.

Despite the title, I suspect anyone reading this will find the sudden entrance of the Russian Mafia halfway through the query somewhat jarring. Everyone expects conflict between cousins who want the same thing. No one expects the Russian mafia.

Does the mafia get involved in the skating competition? Like, does one father have the other father's kid Gilloolied? Or does the mafia threaten the judges to ensure their kids win?

Face-Lift 1487

Guess the Plot

Children of Nemia

1. They aren't really children, and don't actually belong to Nemia, but it's not worth explaining camouflaged aliens investigating Earth when a new reality show about single mothers raising families is about to hold auditions.

2. Returning home on Nemia, after reaching adulthood, Van hopes to prove himself to his father. But nothing has prepared him to face off against . . .Cosmic Horrors from Other Worlds!

3. After returning from the wardrobe, the children . . .  Wait, wrong book.

4. A mysterious plague has killed off everyone who has reached maturity. Can Branch, Missy, and Shorty find a cure before they grow up? Or is this another Children of the Corn situation?

5. Nemia’s estranged daughter, Amy, returns home for the reading of her cold-hearted mother's will. Chaos erupts when another child is named in the will: an illegitimate son named John, from before Nemia’s loveless marriage. With ownership of the family home, the asset portfolio, and the riverside farmland ripe for development at stake, Amy devises a plan to oust John. But John has no intention of being Amy’s victim. Which of the children of Nemia will be her true heir?

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Van's been honing his skills all his life in anticipation of the pilgrimage, but nothing could prepare him to face off against cosmic horrors from other worlds, and the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love, which sometimes go hand in hand. [It's not clear whether you're saying that uninvited awkwardness goes hand in hand with adolescent love, or the uninvited awkwardness of adolescent love goes hand in hand with cosmic horrors from other worlds. Either way, you can fix this by putting the love part first and the horrors second. And you don't need the hand in hand part.]

Returning home from the Journey of Patronage marks the beginning of adulthood for all members of the tribe, and for years Van has dreamed of proving himself to his father the chieftain, and his oldest friend the tribe's First Ranger. As he travels the lands of his people he'll confront old mysteries with grave implications about what he was raised to believe, and in order to survive and save lives he'll need to learn who to trust and what that trust means. [That last sentence is vague. Give specific examples of this stuff.] [Wait, was that the end of the plot summary? What about the adolescent love? WHAT ABOUT THE COSMIC HORRORS FROM OTHER WORLDS?! The cosmic horrors are the most interesting part of the plot, and you drop it like an anvil from the sky.] [Oh, well, as you managed to describe your plot in three sentences, I'll assume it's a really short book, so maybe I'll take a look, just to find out about the cosmic horrors.] 

A story that introduces a world, CHILDREN OF NEMIA is a 216,000 word [WTF?!! That's two or three books. Admittedly, it's only 28% of the length of the Bible, but the Bible is 66 books. You can't expect an agent, and each of the editors they send your book to, to read 216,000 words in hopes that the cosmic horrors aren't a total letdown. How many forests would have to be chopped down to provide the paper for a few thousand copies? There's a reason the first Harry Potter book was the shortest one. You'll need to find a place near the 80,000 word mark to end this book, and make the rest of it book 2.] high fantasy adventure and will be the debut novel of my chronology and setting. [According to the internet, the "setting" is the time, place, and duration of a story, so no need to specify your "chronology."] In researching your agency's recent deals and publication catalog I felt you might be interested in the kinds of stories I'm hoping to tell.

I'm an aspiring American writer living in Bloomington, Indiana. I grew up inspired by masters of fantasy and sci-fi like Garth Nix and Philip K. Dick, [Neither of whom ever published a novel close to the length of yours, even after they were established stars.] beloved RPG titles like Final Fantasy and Mass Effect, and lifelong friendships built playing Dungeons & Dragons after school. I am and always will be in love with storytelling. 

Thanks for your time and consideration,

Notes

Is the whole book based around Van trying to prove himself to the chieftain and First Ranger? You haven't provided examples of anything Van does to prove himself. Things like battling cosmic horrors from outer space and asking his crush out on a date. Also, you'd think if First Ranger gets capitalized, so would chieftain.

You might mention the First Ranger's name, unless it's just as boring as Van.

Mostly, we want to know what happens. Surely something happens in those 216,000 words. Who doesn't want Van to succeed in whatever his goal is, and what's Van's plan to succeed anyway? What will happen if he fails? 

Face-Lift 1486

Guess the Plot

Mattie and the Milkweed Egg

1. Jane went to a witch to find a cure for her mother. But to finish the potion, she needs a milkweed egg. Will her morals get in the way when she realizes she needs one of the last monarch butterfly eggs?

2. Mattie finds an egg on the milkweed plant in her backyard. She schedules an auction, since monarch butterflies are nigh extinct, unknowingly setting herself up for investigation by homeland security, bashing by the wildlife conservation society, and alien abduction.

3. One year after Mattie rallied her third grade class to fight off a hoard of sentient milkweeds, she's ousted from her throne of popularity by new kid Cindy. But Mattie's been keeping a secret: a shiny egg she found among the ruins of the milkweed's lair. Should she hatch it and become an evil mastermind? Or frame up Cindy instead? Decisions, decisions.

4. In this sequel to How to Make a Butterfly Fly, an injured Monarch Butterfly named Mattie manages to deposit an egg on a milkweed plant. But will she live long enough to see her child soar through the air?

5. The milkweed egg Mattie was supposed to guard has hatched, and its caterpillar has disappeared, and if Mattie is going to find it, she'll have to take her mother’s lessons to heart to find her own strengths. Also, she'll probably need a good magnifying glass.

Original Version

Dear First Name of Agent, [First name? Who are you writing to, your BFF? In the future, when your books are putting money in your agent's wallet, you'll be on a first-name basis, but for now, this agent is Ms. Wizard of Oz, and you are the Scarecrow. No, that's not strong enough. This agent is Sauron, and you are not even Pippin. You are one of the nameless Hobbits dancing around the maypole, totally oblivious to the perils that lurk in the real world.]

I am querying MATTIE AND THE MILKWEED EGG, a chapter book at 9.4k words. It will appeal to kids who love the magical adventures, fairy friends, and school settings of series like Unicorn Academy, The Never Girls, and Diary of an Accidental Witch. With a setting that grounds the reader in the outdoors, magic is always rooted in the reality of nature in this story. [This paragraph can come after the plot summary.] 

Nine-year-old Mattie wants to succeed on her first day of [Fairy] school—or at least not be the worst. Fairy school is full of challenges, from using magic to kids that don’t get along with her or each other.

Mattie [, where she] and her classmates are meant to learn how [taught] to watch over and protect nature. Their first assignment is to take care of the creature that will hatch from a mysterious egg. When the caterpillar that emerges won’t eat any of the leaves they have collected, Mattie is the one who finally recognizes the milkweed it needs. But the caterpillar goes missing the next day. [You had one job!!!] Mattie will need to take her mother’s lessons to heart to find her own strengths—and find the caterpillar. [Were the students told the caterpillar needed milkweed, and what milkweed looked like, and Mattie was the one who spotted a milkweed plant? In which case, why were they collecting all these other leaves? Or were they told nothing, and Mattie brilliantly recognized it was milkweed that was needed, after Googling it?]

While MATTIE AND THE MILKWEED EGG stands alone, I have drafts of the second and third books in a planned series. Each book has a plot connected to an organism, ecological relationship, or other interesting aspect of nature. 

I have drawn on my knowledge of and love for the outdoors, as a botanist [who specializes in milkweed,] and hiker [who occasionally spots a butterfly], in writing this story. 

Thank you for your consideration.

Kind regards,

Notes

[We just had a query about a caterpillar/butterfly a few weeks ago. That was a picture book, this is a chapter book. Next week I expect a YA novel about a high school student aspiring to be a lepidopterist, and then: 

According to my research, the egg in question would be the size of a pinhead, and glued to the bottom of a milkweed leaf. Getting it off the leaf without damaging it would be difficult. Was the egg attached to a leaf when the students got it? 

Reminds me of the old joke, How many fairies does it take to protect an endangered butterfly's egg? Twelve. One to hide the egg in its pocket, and eleven to fight off the billionaire who thinks it's an aphrodisiac. 

It would be good for your story if finding a caterpillar that can't crawl much more than a foot per hour actually required inner strength and mother's life lessons, but it mainly requires looking for it without stepping on it.

This sounds more like a picture book title and plot. Is there a villain who snatched the caterpillar to sell it on the black market? Are the other fairies blaming Mattie because the caterpillar disappeared during her shift? What will happen if the caterpillar isn't found? Did an evil hummingbird eat the caterpillar? You've summarized the story in five sentences. Expand that to ten with some intriguing specific information.