Face-Lift 1533

Guess the Plot

Love Entombed

1. When Yondell's fiancé disappears, she searches high and low, until she finally finds him . . . in his coffin. Luckily, he's a vampire, so he's not dead. He's undead.

2. Maurice and Heather are convicted of adultery. Their sentence: being buried alive. Pretty harsh, but at least they're buried in the same casket.

3. Collier and Bertoll thought it would be romantic to make love in a cave. Then a landslide blocks the entrance, trapping them in darkness. And what's that growling?

4. Rumpelle has had it with her husband's nagging, so she tells him his Valentine's Day gift is buried in the woods behind their house. Little does he know, as he tries to unearth it, that he's digging his own grave.

Original Version

I’m pleased to submit Love Entombed, a 93,000-word Gothic novel with a dual timeline, where passionate love and dark family secrets converge in the wilds of northeast Florida. [I googled a map of northeast Florida. The only things converging there are so many highways and beaches and cities it looks like a giant spider web. Change your setting to the wilds of Borneo.] The story will appeal to readers who enjoyed the lush, shadowy atmosphere of Mexican Gothic as well as fans of the rich prose and obsessive love found in Dowry of Blood. (Some fans perhaps will be reminded of the cult, 1960s soap opera—Dark Shadows.) [Most people who were watching soap operas 60 years ago are now 90+ years old.] 

In the main timeline, twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, where her estranged father, Gilbert, is caretaker of the El Fuente mansion. [Is this mansion her family's home?] She reconnects with her father who is in hospice. [How can he be in hospice and still be caretaker of this mansion?] Yondelle insists that Gilbert reveal why their family is bound to the El Fuente and why her fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, mysteriously disappeared. Yondelle agrees to take the Vow to serve the El Fuente, in exchange for the information she desires. [I can't imagine her agreeing to that, unless she's not planning to keep her end of the bargain.] Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the answers, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself. Since Ambrose disappeared, whispers plague Yondelle, and they’ve only grown stronger since her return. [The strength of a whisper is limited by the fact that it quickly becomes talking, as shown by this depiction of the range of human voices:

You can do without that sentence anyway, as it's not clear who, if anyone, is whispering.]

Yondelle enjoys the support given by her cousin Reina, with whom she shares a shotgun-style house on the estate. It’s eventually revealed that Yondelle gave birth to Ambrose’s son, and Reina passed him off as her own, since Yondelle was too young and heartbroken to raise a child.

Led by Nadira, a sea witch and housekeeper of the mansion, Yondelle realizes that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose’s wife from the 1500s. [When you called her a sea witch, I immediately thought of Sea Witch in Popeye, who had a vulture familiar, but then I Googled it and discovered she was called Sea Hag, not Sea Witch. Another example of why the internet is so valuable in modern times.] [If I'm in the mansion where my father is the caretaker, and the housekeeper pulls me aside to tell me I'm the reincarnation of a woman who lived 500 years ago, I'm slowly backing out of the building.] Whispers lead her to discover Ambrose, one of the Undead, in a sealed coffin under the chapel. [Pssst, Yonny....look in the coffin under the chapel.] Ambrose is one of the Royal Vampyre, second in line to the throne of the El Fuente dynasty. He has waited for Yondelle to reincarnate for five hundred years. [Wait, Ambrose, her fiancé, goes missing from wherever they were living, so she travels to this mansion in Florida to ask her dying father why Ambrose went missing, as if he would know, and it turns out Ambrose is right there, sealed in a coffin under the chapel, and has been, for 500 years?] [If he's been in that coffin for 500 years, how did he get Yondelle pregnant? Is their son 500 years old? Or does Ambrose come out of the "sealed" coffin at night?] [When she opens the coffin and finds her fiancé, the guy whose son she gave birth to, does she recognize him? I think if I'm her, and I open a coffin that's been sealed for 500 years, and the body in there opens his eyes and says Hi, Honey, I'm running like hell.]

A conclave of Royal Vampyre Houses meets on the El Fuente estate. Yondelle is desperate to conceal her son, since being in the line of succession is dangerous. Despite Yondelle’s best efforts, Van is discovered. A battle ensues. In the end, [Spoiler alert.] Van is saved. Ambrose and Yondelle are reunited. [The guy waits 500 years to get back with his wife, only to find she's been sleeping around . . . with his son?] [Since Ambrose is 2nd in line to the throne, Van is 3rd, which makes me wonder why anyone's trying to kill Van.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

It's a bit confusing, which explains why I probably got some of the facts wrong. It's undoubtedly less so in the book, but we don't want any of that in the query. Fewer characters would help. We probably don't need Nadira or Reina in the query. The first plot paragraph could be shortened to:

Twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, to ask her estranged, dying father, Gilbert, why their family has long been bound to the El Fuente family. Yondelle's fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, has recently disappeared. Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the truth, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself.

When her investigation reveals that Ambrose, one of the Undead, lies in a sealed coffin under the chapel, and that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose's wife from the 1500s, she's in disbelief--until she opens the coffin. 

Something like that provides more room to clarify what's going on and who's who.

I don't see why Yondell is quizzing her father about why her family is bound to the El Fuentes, when she's agreed to marry one of them. 

Face-Lift 1532

Guess the Plot

Canticle of Rot

1. Biodegradation is an important part of earth's environmental ecology. But when it leads to mutant zombie fungus engulfing the planet, it's up to one teenager to save us all. Think "Canticle for Lebowitz," but with recycled, composted themes, values, and media.

2. The planet is rotting from within, and only one person can save us: farm boy Alvin, and his magic gloves.

3. When the congregation turns in their hymnals to Hymn 666, they little suspect that singing it will open the door to hell and doom us all to servitude to Satan.

Original Version

I'm seeking representation for my first book CANTICLE OF ROT that came in at 83K words and is a adult cosmic horror fantasy in the vein of T. Kingfisher’s What Moves the Dead and Christopher Buehlman’s The Blacktongue Thief, with the slow-building existential terror of Simon Jimenez’s The Spear Cuts Through Water. [TLDR. Here's a shorter sentence: CANTICLE OF ROT (83K words) is an adult horror fantasy with the slow-building terror of Simon Jimenez’s The Spear Cuts Through Water.] [Note that I left out the comp titles that your book is "in the vein of," which is almost as vague as saying My book, like The Blacktongue Thief, has words.] It is the first in a planned series with standalone arcs and character-centered storytelling. [If you put this stuff after the plot summary, when you've already hooked us, it won't matter that we haven't read any of these books.]

Reality doesn’t break cleanly. Alvin knows that better than most. [Because Alvin has broken reality many times, and each time the break was jagged.]

Once a lowly child from a farming town, turned demon hunter. Alvin now wields gloves that let him tear through the seams of the world [Is Alvin Wolverine's real name?] —but every use risks dragging him deeper into the rot that’s unraveling it. The power feels like a gift. It isn’t. [I'm not clear on why the ability to tear through the seams of the world feels like a gift. Possibly because I don't know what you mean by tearing through the seams of the world. A more concrete example of what his gloves can do might help.] 

A corruption older than empires has taken root in the marrow of cities. Children vanish. Towns twist into parodies of themselves. Eldritch hymns hang in the sky. [The only item on that list that doesn't need explaining is "Children vanish."] Alvin joins a small band of outcasts, each scarred, violent, or barely holding together, to investigate the source. They follow rumors, ruins, and nightmares through crumbling kingdoms and haunted forests, toward a truth that should never be found. [Do these other people also have magical clothing accessories? Because they sound like they're just gonna hold Alvin back like a big iron ball chained to his leg.] 

Alvin wants to protect what he couldn’t before. [What couldn't he protect before?] But to do that, he’ll need to master a gift that burns him alive with every use, [Does every use of the gloves drag Alvin deeper into the rot, or burn him alive? Both, I guess. Wait, is it like the one ring to rule them all, and it corrupts the wearer?] and hold together a group on the edge of collapse. Worse still, something in the rot calls to him. It knows his name. [At the risk of dating myself, I keep thinking of David Seville calling ALVIIIIIIN!!! to Alvin the chipmunk.] And if he breaks first, the world will follow. [Is Alvin breaking first a callback to reality not breaking cleanly?] 

I am a 35 year old stay at home dad debut author with background in psychology, mythology, and criminal justice.

Notes

Here's what I gather from your plot summary. A "rot" is "unraveling" the world. Alvin, a farmer who fancies himself a demon hunter, has somehow acquired magical gloves that let him tear through the world's seams. He joins a band of misfits to find the truth about the rot, a truth that shouldn't be found. And the rot calls to him. I'm guessing the rot has something to do with demons? 

Basically. it's the end of the world, but Alvin can prevent it.

I believe you'd be better off telling us what happens in your book, so we know you have a story. Who is Alvin, where'd he get the gloves, and what's his goal? To kill a few local demons, or to save the planet?

What's his plan to accomplish this goal? Will using the gloves kill him? Turn him into a demon? Are demons trying to kill him? How does he deal with this?

What's at stake? In other words, What will happen if he fails? If he succeeds?

Once you've got that down, if you have room you can try to fancy it up with the marrow of cities and hymns in the sky and seams of the world.

If the rot is a metaphor for the Trump administration, who is Alvin?

Face-Lift 1531

Guess the Plot

The Long Now: Aldin

1. After time becomes obsolete, the only thing holding reality together is causality. But Aldin plans on changing that so he can get what he wants: the heart of Minnie Mouse. Also popsicle trains.

2. When unemployed Aldin Graham realizes he can stop time, he decides to become a private detective. Weeks later, he still hasn't figured out how the ability to stop time is in any way useful in the private eye biz.

3. Sentenced to death for an unauthorized pregnancy and birth, Aldin and Claire go on the run. But can they prevent a coywolf from eating their baby?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I hope you will enjoy THE LONG NOW: ALDIN, [is] a 65,000-word adult climate fiction set one hundred years in the future about a naïve but resourceful newlywed banished with his pregnant wife to an American Southwest ravaged by desertification. [I'm not sure what ": Aldin" is doing there. It's like Dune: Paul or Casablanca: Rick.] 

 Like Dustborn (Erin Bowman), this is an odyssey across sand. It’s as grounded as The Water Knife (Paolo Bacigalupi) with a subtle hint of Western–more The Postman (David Brin) or Young Ones (Jake Paltrow) than Firefly (various authors). [Blue words are reserved for Evil Editor. The person to whom you're writing undoubtedly knows this, and will wonder who the heck you think you are, using blue words.] [Also, there's no need to offer a comp title for the fact that your book is grounded, or three comp titles for anything your book has a subtle hint of.] [Also, I'd rather you tell me all about your book before you bring up other books that I may not have read, so put this at the end of the plot summary.]

Climate change has devolved North America into a feudal version of the Wild West. Every life depends on water owned by the few, and the sentence for an unauthorized pregnancy is to wander the desert until dead. [So the Republicans are back in power.] [What does it take to get your pregnancy authorized?]

Sixteen-year-old ranch hand, Aldin, idolizes eighteen-year-old Claire. Even after Balder splits her lip at a general assembly of the ranch's workers, Claire defiantly refuses to name her baby's father. But rather than allow Balder to strike Claire with his cane, Aldin steps forward tacitly admitting fatherhood. [At which point Balder strikes both of them with his cane.] [I think you said "'idolizes" when you meant "knocked up."] [Claire: You couldn't have admitted fatherhood before Balder split my lip?] Four months after being forced off their ranch, Claire gives birth to her son in The Long Now, a real-world, eighty-foot monument to generational responsibility. ["Real world," as opposed to the fictional world in which your book is set?]

Despite their death sentence, Aldin promises his involuntary bride [Involuntary, meaning she didn't want to marry him? I don't see how or why she would be forced to get married after she's been sentenced to death.] he will stand by her and see her to safety. To keep his promise and win over his reluctant wife, Aldin battles baby-stealing coy-wolves, wife-stealing fundamentalists, soul-stealing parents—and thirst—the omnipresent predator that prowls this arid land. 

Because this manuscript won the 2021 Arizona Authors Novel contest,  two of its chapters were published in Arizona Literary Magazine. (All rights reverted to me.) This story was a finalist in the fiction category for the Tucson Festival of Books Literary Awards. I heavily revised this manuscript after a developmental edit by Stuart Horwitz (author of Book Architecture). [An entire history of this book is far less important than a more detailed report of what happens in it.]

I've been an editor of a weekly economics blog, taught a year-long writing course, and run several critique groups. Currently, I am the founder of my local writer's group, Flagstaff Writers Connection, and one of two liaisons for the state writer’s group, Arizona Authors Assn. I volunteer for the Northern Arizona Climate Change Alliance. [These activities show a certain devotion to writing, but I think we all can agree you do them because no one else wants to do them.]

Notes

The kids were apparently sentenced to death by desert because of an unauthorized pregnancy, but it appears that sentence was reduced to a split lip, a caning, and banishment from the ranch where they work. They manage to spend four months traveling to this Long Now place without being executed. And now that the baby is born, the authorities who want to put them to death aren't even listed among the many threats you say they're facing. It feels like there's a missing piece of information. Are they constantly on the run? Or are the ranch workers the only ones who know about the pregnancy, and didn't inform the authorities?

You call this an adult book, but  your main character is sixteen. Young adults can handle books in which pregnancy and death sentences occur. And young adults are more likely to identify with teen characters. Plus, calling it YA won't deter adults from reading it.

Maybe some information about the four months between their banishment from the ranch and the birth  at the Long Now would fill some gaps.

Face-Lift 1530

Guess the Plot

Beauty of the Star's Destruction

1. Between the stars and the Earth dwell many gods. But enough about them, for this story is about what happens when the king summons a star. Hint: we don't all burn to a crisp.

2. Everyone loves those Hollywood icons, especially when they crash and burn. This biographical collection catalogs the horrifying fates of various actors, most of whom die of drug overdoses, but also plane crashes, murders, etc.

3. Mary Murgatroid is filled with jealousy after her more famous and gorgeous sister, Karenna Murgatroid, wins an Oscar. Mary, fueled by rage, swears to get her revenge, no matter the cost.

4. When Beauty's father returns to their small moon base with rose seeds and a harrowing story of a planetside monster, Beauty knows she must investigate. Also, star-eating space wizards.

5. Beauty of the Star's Destruction: Delta Scorpii is going supernova in the next century, but as Moro's population flees, the Bundi family stays, growing in power on the doomed planet. Their dynastic and incestuous struggle for control seems futile--until Oidol discovers the secret behind it all.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Many gods dwell beneath the Wandering Stars, yet Holger offers his prayers to none of them. Through the kind words of a priest from a far away land, Holger has accepted the love of the god known as “the Mother” into his heart and ostracized himself in his community.

Across the Bison Plain in Suuthia, a kingdom of horse lords and sea-born giants, [Are horse lords like centaurs, with horse bodies and human heads, or like Bojack Horseman, with horse heads and human bodies? Please tell me they're not just guys with horses.] the King has also listened to the teachings of the Mother…and twisted it [them]. King Spargapathes has received good omens for war from the Mother and turns his bronze-clad horde, and his star-summoning artifact, to the borders of Holger’s home.

Holger and his friends race to stop the coming invasion and King Spargapathes’s heresy, only to fall into the gods’ game. [What is the gods' game?] [Giants and horse lords and a bronze-clad horde are invading, and this Holger guy recruits his friends to repel the invasion? And his friends agree? We need an explanation, like that Holger is the newest member of the Avengers.] He hears whispers of “champion” in his head, but the voices are not always the same. When Holger gives in to the voices and ascends the power structure, he finds his own people do not like his humble beginnings or his god that favors the invaders. [No surprise; they didn't like him to begin with.] Holger must ask himself, “How can you love god, if god loves your enemy.”

Complete at 118,000 words, BEAUTY OF THE STAR’S DESTRUCTION is an adult, high fantasy that explores how far faith can be stretched when god may not be on your side. Set in an ancient america inspired bronze age world, these characters will witness the first signs of the coming collapse as mortals try to harness the power of the Wandering Stars. This book will feel familiar to readers of John Gwynne’s Shadow of the Gods and gritty and personal like Bernard Cornwell’s The Saxon Stories series.

<bio>

Notes

So there's this Holger person, who's been ostracized, and his land is being invaded by a land with giants and horse lords, and he wants to stop them. That's about all I got out of your plot summary. What's his plan? What will happen if he fails? Tell us the story. The whispering voices and humble beginnings and deep thoughts aren't needed in the query. We want to know Holger's goal. Is he hoping to convert everyone to Mother by saving them?

He's ostracized in his community, but apparently he has enough friends that he can take on an army?

Face-Lift 1529

Guess the Plot

The Messenger

1. Alex Croft plays phone tag for weeks on potential job opportunities only to discover he must sell his immortal soul to the ones who want to hire him. He finally accepts the offer, but when he later changes his mind, can his lawyer get him out of the deal?

2. Fyodor is tasked with delivering bad news to Joseph Stalin. He can't decide whether he'd rather be shot or sent to Siberia--but then someone hands him a ray gun and tells him to shoot first.

3. Archangel Gabriel comes to Earth to announce that the Apocalypse is at hand, but there are so many texts and emails and ads floating around in the ether that his message barely penetrates the din.

4. Stock broker Jim had to deliver bad news to a lot of clients, and always closed with, Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Turned out he should have opened with that line.

Original Version

Dear (Agent),

Based on your interest in (book or author or genre) I believe my novel The Messenger would be a great fit.

The Messenger is an adult epic urban fantasy, complete at 120,000 words, dual POV, with series potential. It blends the world-ending scope of The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse with the Apocalyptic Christian angst of American Rapture by C.J. Leede. 

Archangel Gabriel has landed in Washington D.C. [He landed after flying on a plane or with his wings? Maybe say he's arrived.] after hundreds of years away from Earth to deliver God’s final announcement: the Apocalypse and the Rapture are at hand. [If you move "after hundreds of years away from Earth" to the front of the sentence, no one will think Gabriel's spent hundreds of years delivering his announcement to other worlds. Not that anyone would be that dense.] Gabriel tells himself he is ready, even if the world is not, but he’s unprepared for the millions of modern electronic messages—texts, emails, advertisements—that threaten to drown out his own. All things should be possible for an angel, yet he fails miserably to deliver his message through the din. [He should have produced a hilarious TV commercial and aired it during the Super Bowl.]

Vexed and confused, he’s invited to a ball hosted by Nicholas Matin—Lucifer in human disguise. Lucifer knows of his failed mission and posits an unthinkable question: What if Gabriel simply doesn’t want to bring God’s horrible wrath down on an unsuspecting Earth? [Does Gabriel know it's Lucifer asking this question? Or does he think it's Nicholas Matin? Do the people at this ball know the archangel Gabriel is among them?] What if Gabriel still had free will to defy God, like Lucifer and his followers had chosen to fall from grace [once did, with unfortunate results.]? 

Lucifer may be the king of lies, but he may also be right.

Meanwhile, thirty-nine year old classical radio DJ Miranda Clark is dealing with troubles of her own—getting bombarded with texts and calls from her hateful, overzealous, estranged Christian father, while looking to her chosen practice of witchcraft for solace. [I'm sure this is horrible to Miranda, but now that I know the world is about to end, it feels like it belongs on the back burner.] [Then again it might feel just as jarring if you told us about Miranda's problems for two paragraphs, and then the archangel Gabriel floated down to announce the Apocalypse.] Seemingly by accident, Gabriel and Miranda meet and are instantly smitten. However, Gabriel discovers that Lucifer is using her as bait to tempt him and prove his theory right—and even worse, [to prove? declare? reveal?] that she’s [Miranda's] a witch. Miranda still refuses to go back to a religion that hurt her to her core. Announcing the Rapture will leave Miranda’s soul on Earth to rot—if Gabriel can even find a way to do it. [Is it the announcing of the Rapture, or the Rapture itself that does this?] [Is this rotting soul thing just for witches, or does it also apply to Hindus, Jews, etc.? It seems kind of harsh.] 

All the while, God decides the Apocalypse is going to go on with or without Gabriel. [He just decides this? Without even consulting Jesus? No way would Jesus be on board with this.]

With his faith in God’s plan stretched to the breaking point, Gabriel experiences a moment of terrible weakness: he and Miranda make love. The act has consequences just as terrible, turning him mortal and impregnating Miranda with a bastard Nephilim child. [Still, it was worth it.] With D.C. crumbling to dust, the only way they can survive this new Apocalypse is through each other. [Are they the only ones who can survive through each other?] 

I’ve had short stories published in Elegant Literature Magazine, The Pink Hydra, and the upcoming Autumn 2025 issue of The Colored Lens. Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

It seems to me that hosting a ball is a lot of trouble to go to just to ask Gabriel an unthinkable question. Also, after hundreds of years away from Earth, Gabriel returns, announces that the world is about to end, and some guy invites him to a ball? And he accepts? Is there a ball, or is that just a ruse to get Gabriel to show up somewhere? 

If you're trying to convince people that the end of the world is nigh, attending a ball seems like bad optics.

Is the whole planet turning to dust? Because it would be hard for anyone to survive that.

You probably don't wait till halfway through the book to get your main characters together, so maybe it's not that big a deal if you wait till halfway through the query. But halfway through Agatha Christie's query for her first Hercule Poirot book, Superman showed up. Her agent made her take that out of the book, and the rest is history. Your agent may not be as sharp.

The query is too long. So is the book, but you didn't ask me about the book. Now if the query opened something like:

When the archangel Gabriel is sent to Earth to announce that the Apocalypse is at hand, he has no idea he's about to fall in love with a 39-year-old radio disc jockey. 

. . . you get both characters into the query fast. You also move beyond the ball, which, while perfectly sensible in the book, sounds crazy in the query. Now the query is about how Gabe and Mandy plan to convince God to change Her mind, or about how they spend their final hours.

Face-Lift 1528

Guess the Plot

Emily Davis, Guardian of Arclight

17-year-old Emily Davis is the protector of Arclight, the fantasy universe. It's her job to fight off dark mages, demons, malevolent forces, etc. but she has to do it in her spare time, because she has classes and homework, too.

 When scatterbrained kleptomaniac Emily Davis picks up a strange object off a park bench, she becomes its caretaker, keeping it out of the hands of aliens who want it to destroy their enemies, some of whom live on earth. Also, a winning lottery ticket.

During her long night shifts working security for the Arclight light bulb manufacturing plant, Emily likes to imagine she's a superhero guarding a secret government technological development facility. Then the superheroes pop up, telling her she's right--except that the Arclight is actually a villainous planet-destroying gamma ray.

When Emily Davis applied to the job board, she didn't expect to get a job right away. Now if only she can figure out what Arclight is before her manager checks up on her.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The 90,000-word novel, Emily Davis, Guardian of Arclight, is about a teenage protagonist named Emily Davis, and would appeal to fans of YA fantasy books including Powerless by Lauren Roberts and Wings of Starlight by Allison Saft.  Emily, who is 17, [If you're gonna tell us her exact age, there's no need to tell us in sentence 1 that she's a teenager. Also, telling us your book is about Emily Davis seems unnecessary after you've told us the title.] tries her best to balance her life as a warrior tasked with protecting the fantasy universe and its citizens as well as [with] her life as a normal teenager in the human world adjusting to the differences between the two worlds. When legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack Emily’s school, Starhaven, Emily is tasked with not only protecting her school, but also many other worlds throughout the fantasy universe as an ancient evil awakens and threaten[s] to consume the fantasy universe. [You already said she was tasked with protecting the fantasy universe in the previous sentence. Who is tasking her with this stuff, and when did they first give her these tasks? This is like a guy getting a job as a weatherman and being told his duties are to give the weather report at 6 and 11, and to also prevent hurricanes and tornados . . . on planets in another galaxy.] [I would put your first sentence after the plot summary. Making your first paragraph something like:

Seventeen-year-old Emily Davis is trying to balance her life as a student at Starhaven high school with her life as a warrior protecting Arclight, the fantasy universe, from an ancient evil. Her two worlds collide when legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack her school.] 

[Note that I guessed what Arclight was; I was thinking, when I saw the title, that it was a magical artifact Emily could hold in her hand, but now I suspect it's an entire universe containing everything from Dorothy's ruby slippers to the Silver Surfer's surfboard.

 

As Emily embarks on her mission to find the dark mages, [They're in the cafeteria.] she will also cross paths with other denizens of Arclight as well as other malevolent forces who are both aligned and unaligned with the dark mages. As she continues through Arclight’s many worlds, Emily will also face familiar figures that she faced in the past before finally coming face-to-face with one of the terrifying figures who attacked her school.

 

Unfortunately for Emily, the dark mages will not be the only force in Arclight trying to destroy her world as another evil, a demonic force, arrives to with the intent of destroying everything in its path. Emily will then have to agree to work with former enemies as only a brief alliance between them will be enough to save Arclight before an unstoppable force of destruction returns to the fantasy worlds. Faced with impossible decisions and a growing sense of doom, Emily will continually fight an uphill [battle?] leading to an unknown fate.

 

I have written as a hobby for years now, and my interest in writing has long stemmed from my enjoyment reading both fantasy and sci-fi.

 

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Notes

This is mostly general. We want specific information about what happens, not just about who Emily battles.

Emily has too many enemies: legendary dark mages, an ancient evil, malevolent forces, a demonic force, an unstoppable force of destruction. That's in addition to former enemies she must work with and other denizens of Arclight, who may or may not be enemies. Some of those may be the same thing, but you might want to focus on one enemy in the query, so you can get to the plot, which right now sounds like Emily fights this evil force, and then that malevolent force, and then this demonic force . . . 

How is this 17-year-old able to take on all of these forces? We need to know what powers she has. 

What are these fantasy worlds? Are they on Earth, like Oz and Metropolis? Might Emily meet Frodo and Gandalf and Daenerys? In other words, are they worlds from known fantasy stories, or worlds populated by characters you made up? How does Emily get to them? Is she the only one who can? 

Why are legendary dark mages attacking a school on Earth? What do they stand to gain?

Face-Lift 1527

Guess the Plot

Broken Algorithms 

1. When Mia's basement-dwelling adult son leaves his Facebook account open, she notices some unexpected posts in his feed. Either the algorithm is broken, or he's thinking of pulling a Norman Bates.

2. When the government mandates that everyone marry their algorithm-chosen soulmate, Amelia isn't thrilled with the man chosen for her. But if she complains, she'll lose her job, as she works for the algorithm developer.

3. Molly's formula for dating: Find man - sing karaoke to him - buy him ice cream - take him home to meet her mother. She's starting to think she might need to revise her process.

4. When burnt out college student Francis finds a genie, he makes the obvious wish to pass all his tests. What he did not expect was that the world would change to make his answers right.

5. Leif Huxley starts up a computer dating site where one can have a fantasy relationship with an AI. But then people start being paired with other human beings! And the AIs get jealous and start hacking, stalking, and manipulating the system!! Also, black-sand beaches.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Per a new government order, Amelia Collins must marry her soulmate, James. Well, who the government says is her soulmate, anyway. With the lack of spark between them, she’s not completely convinced. Amelia doesn’t have the luxury of doubt, though. Not if she wants to keep her career. 

As the up-and-coming [top] candidate for the Director position at SOUL, Amelia’s job is to convince people that the Soulmate Algorithm is their best chance at finding love.  [If everyone must marry their soulmate, why is someone tasked with convincing them?] That’s all well and good until just weeks before her wedding, when her ex suddenly reappears, showing up at a charity work event.

Having all but ghosted her three years before, Declan brings not only unresolved feelings but a warning about SOUL. He tells her that SOUL isn’t just finding soulmates, it’s manipulating them. And he knows how. ["How" is interesting to Amelia. I'm more interested in what you mean by "manipulating" them. Can you make that more specific?] 

Despite their messy past, Amelia can’t ignore Declan’s claims, or him. If he’s telling the truth, it would unravel the entire foundation that SOUL was built on – that love is better suited to an algorithm than chance. A narrative that Amelia wholeheartedly supported due to her failed relationship with Declan, until Declan himself returned, and she was reminded of the chemistry between them.

As the proof of Declan’s claim mounts, Amelia must decide what she wants her future to look like. She can continue her career and become even more complicit in SOUL’s manipulation, all the while safeguarding her career and her future. [I wouldn't suggest she's been at all complicit if she knew nothing about it and did nothing with the intention of enabling it.] Or, she could speak out and own her desires, risking her future but retaking control of her life. [My career is down the tubes, 60 people including my fiancé are planning to show up for my wedding, which I'm calling off, and my ex, who I've been bad-mouthing to all my friends for three years is trying to worm his way back into my good graces (as if). I've finally got control of my life.] [By which I mean can we do without owning her desires and controlling her life, and make the choice be between becoming complicit, now that she knows what's going on, or becoming director and exposing the villains and bringing them down?

BROKEN ALGORITHMS is a women’s fiction novel with romantic elements, complete at 88,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the governmental control in THE MARRIAGE ACT and the idea of finding love through algorithms in THE SOULMATE EQUATION. [While those books have fans, those fans aren't necessarily fans of government control and the idea of finding love through algorithms. More accurate would be to say your book combines these elements.]

<Bio>

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.

Notes

This is clear and well-organized, if a bit long. But it will be more compelling if we know what the government (or the evil overlord in charge of SOUL) is up to. Are they trying to take over the world? Turn all the women into Stepford wives?

Has the government declared everyone must marry their soulmate, as chosen by the government? Which is what I thought after your first sentence. Or everyone who works for SOUL must marry their soulmate, as chosen by SOUL? Which might be SOUL's way of promoting their service. "Our algorithm is so perfect, all our employees swear by it." 

Does the current director of SOUL know about the manipulation? Someone there must know about it. When are they planning to tell Amelia?

If SOUL is manipulating the soulmates it finds, and Amelia is about to marry the soulmate it found for her, it seems she would have been subjected to this manipulation. Also, if she's about to be SOUL's director, how does Declan know more than she does about what's going on?

What's Declan's explanation for disappearing for three years and not even making contact? I don't see Amelia forgiving that, chemistry or not.

Is SOUL an acronym, like NASA or DOGE?

Face-Lift 1526

Guess the Plot

Werepire in Italy

1. Janine thought Italy would be the best place to survive her new curse, since surely nobody would notice an extra church spire here or there. Unfortunately, the apologetic note she found when she woke up with a bite mark on her had really messy handwriting, and now she's scrambling to figure out what a pire is before the full moon.

2. Isko is a vampire, but Isko's stepsister's bodyguard thinks Isko is a werewolf. Also, Isko and the bodyguard are sleeping together, which is a bit awkward. Even in Italy.

3. Life as a half vampire, half werewolf is hard enough on the best of days. Only now Sammy learns of an inheritance of a vineyard in Italy. Who would have thought getting a passport to be the simplest of the coming events?

4. What's the best place for a half vampire, half werewolf to retire? Italy, of course! Adolphus has already moved into his new flat on the Via Vaticano when he realizes A. It's very sunny, B. There sure are a lot of crucifixes around, and C. The new pope is experimenting with turning rain into holy water. He might be in trouble.

Original Version

Dear Agent

The Royals Next Door by Karina Halle meets My Roommate Is A Vampire by Jenna Levine in WEREPIRE IN ITALY; a 90,000 word dual-POV queer adult paranormal romance novel.  Vampires killed his mother and brother. [This is already a rejection by most agents. There should be half a dozen commas, no semicolon, and you've put the first sentence of the plot summary in this introduction paragraph, an error you surely would have noticed if you'd read the query before sending it. The agent is thinking, Do I want to try to sell a 90,000-word novel with no punctuation that hasn't been proofread by the author?] [The list of adjectives can do without "dual-POV" and "adult." And I'd put the paragraph after the plot summary.]

So when twenty-two year old Isko Silang turns into a vampire, he does the only thing he can do: flee to a small town in Italy before his father finds out. [I can see wanting to be somewhere else,  but why must he flee specifically to a small town in Italy?] The last [thing] he wanted [wants] his father to do to him was [is for his father to] hate him more than he already does for being born human. [If his father hates him for being born human, why would he hate him even more now that he's not human?] 

Isko tries to bury his worries in the dimples of focaccia bread and ignore the hunger pangs when wine is too viscous. But when his stepsister suddenly plans [decides] to study abroad in Italy everything comes tumbling down. He has to fake a heartbeat and cover the smell of death. He doesn’t expect his family to send  [His stepsister arrives with] their family's bodyguard, Toji Matsumoto, to his home. He’s aloof, quiet, and loyal to his [Isko's] family to a fault and for some reason he believes Isko wants his [step?]sister out of the picture. 

Toji’s tasked to protect the Silang family’s daughter, and he suspects Isko of being a werewolf despite the claims that he’s human. [When a person repeatedly claims to be human, they probably aren't.] Family means nothing in the grand scheme of succession, [Usually family means everything in the grand scheme of succession. Either way, I'm not sure why you're telling us this.] and he would be damned if he let his guard down just because Isko has a way-too bright of a smile and share a bed. [Huh? Who's sharing a bed?] [Also, was that supposed to be a sentence?]

But sharing a bed becomes the least of their concerns when the vampires who turned Isko resurface, and his stepsister’s put in danger. Toji’s torn between fulfilling his duty and whatever’s blossoming between him and Isko. All the while, Isko doesn’t know how long he can keep up with the charades until he succumbs to bloodlust and loses everyone and himself. 

A queer ____ living in ____ who indulges in fantastical worlds and people a bit too much. [Is that your bio?] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Toji, who is loyal to the family, is tasked to protect the sister-in-law, and he believes Isko is a werewolf who wants the sister-in-law dead or gone, but Toji and Isko are hitting the sheets together? 

I don't see the need for the father in the query. Just start with Isko, who has recently become a vampire,  learns that his sister-in-law is coming to his town (with a bodyguard) to study, and plans to stay with Isko.

Something tells me your book needs a lot of work before you start sending off query letters.