She woke up, so sorry that happened, her waking up. The disbelief, the agony. How do you continue after your beautiful daughter has passed into eternity? Waking up to face that horror every living day. How do you bear it? She didn't know. This day was not easier than the days that ran before. Excruciating. Life, bitter as green crab apples and vinegar
Wanting to go where her daughter went but unable to. Shaking a fist against her God wasn't enough. Starting to hate Him helped for a little while. Then she started to hate Him more.
Time doesn't heal, it festers she decided.
And that is what changed her. The maleficence of life. The idiocy of it. She turned mean in so many ways and much softer in a multitude of others. The thirty year old heart break of Tianana - whatever. The horrid Polpo - whatever So many deaths, so needless, so - whatever. She couldn't bear thinking about her single loss because at the end of days so many had lost so many more.
So she went on to...
She made tea, so sorry that happened, her making tea. The disarray, the irony. How do you stomach this crap after so many years drinking beautiful coffee in the mornings? Starbucks out of business? Waking up to face that horror every living day. How do you bear it? She took a sip. This cup was no better than all the cups that came before. Tea, bitter as arugula and bitter melon.
Maybe it was time to switch to bourbon.
Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: JRMosher
5 comments:
Too many words, too much repetition, not enough happening. And, it's all reaction, before the reader knows anything about this person or what happened or has any reason to care.
The first paragraph sounds like this death is something recent that the narrator still hasn't quite come to terms with. The fourth sounds like decades after the event. If there isn't some bizarre time jump happening, it might help to see the recent event that re-opened this internal wound or a few events-in-the-life if the narrator's been constantly picking at it for the past three decades.
This was probably a better writing excercise than it is an opening. Is Tianana the daughter? Who or what is Polpo?
We really don't know what's happening.
Try starting with a scene setting- a place- or something happening.
Thanks,
Great continuation.
This was about a loss of a child, during the 30th anniversary year of the Tienanmen Square massacure. The mc, in mourning for her recently deceased daughter, remembers T Sq. and the Mothers of T Sq. who have organized. She also remembers the horrors of Pol Pot, head of the Khmer Rouge who savaged the people of Cambodia during a dreadful time.
I have lived in Asia for over a decade and study the history of the countries I have lived and worked in.
I tried to give a blousy, sort of Ambien approach to this as a mother tries to comes to grips with the loss of a wonderful child. Yes, maybe a writing exercise, thanks for that.
The thoughts of the other mothers comes to the mc in the twilight zone of half asleep half awake. I thought of adding Anna Frank's father in, what horror he had to live with after his wife and daughters died in the WWII camps and he survived. A bit too much I decided.
I am struck that no one got the Tian Sq. or Pol Pot references. Fairly recent history, all so very sad.
Appreciate the comments, btw way when in Cambodia I stayed at a guest hour right across from the most infamous torture prison that had been had been a school in happier times. I couldn't go inside it nor could I visit the Killing Fields.
When I was there, there was no over aged 50, all wiped out by Pol Pot. Very sad country. My driver told me stories no one would believe until you looked into his eyes. He told me the truth.
Thanks, appreciate the comments.
Well, If you'd spelled "Tienanmen" or "PolPot," yeah, I would have gotten it. I remember the Tienanmen square massacre. I was a kid but I saw it on tv.
Instead, you wrote, "Tianana-whatever" and "Polpo-whatever" which was quite frankly not enough clues. They sound a bit like fantasy story names.
Keep in mind we have no idea where this is set, no idea who this person is, where they live, etc. so the clues don't work. This could be set on a space station or an island in the Pacific.
Nobody sees what's going on in your head until you actually right it down on the page.
Good luck with it.
Thank you for commenting. I wrote it that way on purpose. No firm time line or where it was set or who the person is. Mission accomplished!
The mixing of then. hard history and the mc's reality today, which I hope shows the mc's retreating into lots of thought of those who have suffered such losses and more as she struggles with her new now as reality smacks her every moment as she tries to cope in her early days of shock and stun.
I left the clues rather clueless deliberately. I hoped to arouse reader curiosity. leading them to read on. Frankly, who really wants to read on about a mother's struggle coping with the death of a child. Pretty grim,(spoiler)hard sledding ahead.
This is an uneven subject, the death of a child. There is huge conflict, guilt, endless grief, memory loss, other earlier memory recalled, simple tasks are impossible in the first days of darkness.
Not exactly a fun, light read.
It is a resurrection tale, can the mc find new meaning in life after the unthinkable happens? Death isn't the opposite of life, it is the opposite of birth. And that thought is what the mc discovers in time.
I appreciate the comment very much. I doubt if it great writing and the subject is awful but your comments were spot on and I achieved my goal.
Warmest for reading and your thoughts.
WM
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