Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not exactly what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city.
But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?
Maybe it’s because Cody’s from the surface, and outsiders are absolutely not allowed. Or maybe it’s because everyone else down there has awesome paranormal abilities like reading minds and levitating objects.
Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay. [Why should a 12-year-old kid who's unfamiliar with this place be able to find the Detectors when the people with awesome paranormal powers who live there can't?]
Whatever the reason, Ratman has already pushed Cody down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roasted him with a hot crystal, and tried to drown him in the river. But since Cody is the only one who ever sees the giant rat, no one else believes Ratman even exists.
Now Cody’s determined to hunt down Ratman in order to find the Detectors and save the city from whatever this whiskered weirdo is plotting--or at least before Ratman’s next attack actually kills him.
Notes
Not clear why Cody wants to stay in a place where he's absolutely not allowed to be and where he's already been attacked three times by a creature that wants him dead.
In any case, this is mostly setup. We know Cody's situation and his goal but how does he plan to achieve this goal? What goes wrong when he puts his plan into action? If he's choosing to be here instead of going home, why? What will happen if he fails to find the Detectors?
If you trim your query down to:
Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city whose residents all have awesome paranormal powers.
But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?
Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay, instead of sending him back to his horrible abusive parents.
... you'll have room to tell us something that happens. For instance:
Cody figures the Detectors are being held captive by Ratman. If he can follow the creature, to his lair, he might be able to free them, but so far he almost dies every time he gets near Ratman. Obviously he's gonna need help from . . . who else? Batman!
If the other people are also looking for the Detectors, why is Ratman only attacking Cody? If they aren't looking for the Detectors, why not?
5 comments:
What exactly WAS Cody expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city?
"Why should a 12-year-old kid who's unfamiliar with this place be able to find the Detectors when the people with awesome paranormal powers who live there can't?"
Ditto.
Why would he choose to stay in constant peril instead of his home with a bed, food, family, friends, pets...
He's only twelve. I'm going to need a more compelling reason or a better set up. Like, his family is dead, or he is extremely unhappy at home. Or maybe he thinks he can't get back or doesn't know how.
He doesn't seem to have any attachment to this city. Any kid would want to be the hero of his home town. His family would be proud of him and friends jealous. Who wouldn't want that? But a city full of strangers nobody at home even knows about? Why risk your life?
Thanks so much for your comment. I appreciate the feedback.
Actually, Cody did run away from home because of divorced parents, friends gone to camp, he's all alone, etc. And he takes his dog with him when he goes down below. I guess it was hard for me to figure out what to put in the query.
That explanation helps.
Maybe you should put a line or two in the beginning.
When you first say Ratman is on the loose, it's a good hook, but then I need to revise because he's not one the loose in the normal world. This may just be me.
How is Cody in the city if he's absolutely not allowed? Is he dodging the truant officers or is everyone just giving him dirty looks and telling him to go away?
'No one else believes' meaning who exactly, and why does it matter if they believe?
Does Cody have any evidence Ratman has something to do with the detectors other than almost being killed? Considering he's somewhere he's not supposed to be, I'd probably assume that was the reason he was being attacked.
You don't need to answer these questions if you rewrite so they don't arise. Good Luck!
I love the voice in this! I agree that adding some backstory will help root us in the world. Maybe something like:
Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not exactly what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city.
Two weeks ago, Cody was stuck in the middle of his parents' messy divorce, and he just wanted an escape. When he started reading about (name of underground city), a city that runs directly beneath his own, he assumed it was a myth. That was before he found the entrance to (said city), and discovered the giant rat with mind control abilities.
But why is that freaky fur-face only attacking him? And why are the Defenders--supernatural soldiers who protect the city from invading beasts--all going missing? If Cody can find out, he might make a permanent home for himself in the city that forbids visitors. But to do that, he'll have to survive Ratman's attempts to push him down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roast him with a hot crystal, and drown him in the river.
It's time to go on the offensive. But how do you take down a whiskered wierdo that nobody else can see?
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